JBaby3412 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Ok, I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years (going on 5 this August). We've been together through difficult times. He was deployed to Iraq when we were only dating for 3 months. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with the fact that someone I love is gone, but I managed pretty well. He was gone for 16 months and during those 16 months I managed to remain faithful and loyal to him. I was busy with school, work, homework, working out, and going out with my friends to even think about cheating. He came home twice for his R&R, which was the most amazing time I've ever spent with someone in my life. Well he came home in August of 2004, his whole block, family, and I threw him a Welcome Home party. It was so much fun! Since then we've spent a lot of time together, which I enjoy a lot! It's just when he goes out with the guys, I'm always scared and thinking he is cheating. Or if some girl at school needs help I think something is happening. He went out with a group of his friends for a "guys" night. Well later to find out he invited his ex to come meet up with them. I thought that was a low-blow. That just made me upset and unwanted as a girlfriend. I just want my jealousy to end, because deep down inside I know he's not doing anything wrong or anything to hurt me. I really need to stop thinking this way. Can anyone help me? Link to post Share on other sites
Madea Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 He asked his ex-girlfriend to meet up with him on a guy's night out? That does sound a bit odd. Does he hang out with her on a regular basis? Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I think most feelings thought of as negative are very closely tied to fear. Jealousy is a fear of losing someone in the most basic form. Did your BF tell you of the call to the ex or did you hear that from somebody else? If he initiated the call and does not hang out with his ex often, that was not very considerate of the fact that she is his ex for a reason and you are his girlfriend. If they talk often, and she called him, he answered, and there was conversation whereby she ended up where he was that's a little different. If the night out is designated as guy's night out, it sounds suspicious, thus causing you to feel jealousy. Jealousy is not always a bad emotion. It's your radar, often ,that is telling you that something is not right. It's directly related to trust. If you are simply jealous most of the time, regardless of the partner and the commitment, that would be something to work on, because then it is more of an insecurity. I usually feel jealous a bit until I am convinced that the relationship is solid. My boyfriend could go out with a dozen women alone and I would not feel jealous. Then again he wouldn't do that because he feels that would be disrespectful of our relationship. I trust him implicitly, but he has earned that trust. Good luck figuring this out. More information might help to get better responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 He went out with a group of his friends for a "guys" night. Well later to find out he invited his ex to come meet up with them. I thought that was a low-blow. That just made me upset and unwanted as a girlfriend. I just want my jealousy to end, because deep down inside I know he's not doing anything wrong or anything to hurt me. I really need to stop thinking this way. Can anyone help me? But he is giving you a reason to be jealous. Inviting an ex of his to meet up with them on a "guys night out"?? That is unaccepatable. If it is a guys night out, then thats what it should be...not "guy's night out and any other women except for their significant others" night out. Sorry, but he just showed you some major disrespect. I couldn't even imagine me inviting an ex to meet us somewhere if I was out with the guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBaby3412 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 No he doesn't hang out with her on a regular basis Madea. He speaks to her every so often. She is a club promoter downtown at some clubs, but I don't know. I know we'vee been together for such a long time that I shouldn't worry, but the jealousy is still there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBaby3412 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Dropdeadlegs, Yes, I think that is the thing. I think he needs to tell me things more often, like: you are so beautiful, I'm such a lucky guy to be with you, etc. I always tell him stuff like that. I know I shouldn't be jealous though...I've never been the jealous type! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBaby3412 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Salicious Crumb, I know I told him how would he like it if I had a "girls" night out and invited my ex? I told him its just not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Salicious Crumb, I know I told him how would he like it if I had a "girls" night out and invited my ex? I told him its just not right. And what did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBaby3412 Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 Salicious Crumb, He didn't say much, because I know if that were to happen he would have gotten angry at me. It just seems like every time I try to tell him how I'm feeling it always turns into him saying, "why are you so paranoid?" Him telling me I have nothing to worry about, that he loves me and that's it. Some times I just get even more upset, because I feel like I spent time to tell you how I was feeling and it just blew up in my face. I am not a person to show their emotions or talk about their problems to anyone. I am a person who keeps everything inside...which isn't good, because when I get to the last point of frustration, I blow up and cry. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
thatmatt Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 It sounds like a small communication gap, but something that can definitly be worked out. I think in a relationship, understanding someone is not just listening to them, it's being able to put yourself in their shoes, and thats how compromises get made. It sounds like all you want is for him to be able to say, "if things were reversed, I would feel the same way" about you meeting up with an ex boyfriend." He could be afraid of you being controlling, but from reading your posts, you have done nothing but support him!! You threw him a party, you supported him for 16 months while he was away!! You're not asking for anything unreasonable at all, you're not using what you've done for him as leverage to get something you want. I see no reason why he can't put himself in your shoes for 10 seconds and contemplate how he would feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Salicious Crumb, He didn't say much, because I know if that were to happen he would have gotten angry at me. Well then maybe you should go out with the girls and make it a point to have one of your ex's present....see how he likes it. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Seriously, turnabout and retaliation will not accomplish anything. Communication and boundaries are what is needed. Once boundaries are set, then you have to make a decision if they are crossed. Sometimes the boundaries seem like they shouldn't have to be stated, but unfortunately they often do. What makes one person uncomfortable isn't always seen as a problem by another. Link to post Share on other sites
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