witabix Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Was not sure where to post this. So put it here.... Have not been around for a while..... Some of you may know me, most probably won't. I have been contemplating dying. Thinking how peaceful it would be. Depressed? I truly do not think so. I have nothing to be depressed about. I should be really happy. There is a......feeling, perhaps, .....nothing more than that. A feeling of impending mortality, as though I am about to die. I have spent the last few months tying up all the loose ends in my life. Making amends. An odd feeling, a requirement almost, to ensure that no one thinks too badly of me. I smile and laugh when others are around me, and I am happy, but alone with my thoughts I feel as though I have done enough. Lived enough 'lives'. More than most have. I am in pain. Not physical, more a soul pain, why? I honestly do not know. I know my talents and good points.....it is not me....I also know my bad points. I am tired. tired of living. Soul tired, heart tired, life tired. This NOT a suicide note. I wonder if any one else can understand this, thats all........... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 i get it. but then me, ms. cynical, thinks.... but i would never REALLY be like i think. sure, it may be peaceful, and even awe inspiring , for your soul. But what about everyone else? that is the biggest thing for me.... who will take of my pets, like I do? i would feel sooo horrible for my dad, my parents..... my sisters, my friends. i would just hate for anyone to feel pain. i am quasicurious just to see who all would be effected by my death, but not Morbidly so. Enjoy living, because who knows if you will enjoy Death. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 dude you've got clinical depression....go see a shrink Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 Yea, Alpha, you could be right..... But there just ain't no reason for it.... Maybe a shrink could help, but this is not America, thats not so cool here. Cultural bull****, I know, I jave taken a few crappy online tests and they all agree with your synopsis. That is just so hard to accept for me. I do not make decisions like that..... But thanks any way man, I appreciate your post, could be a good point..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 i get it. but then me, ms. cynical, thinks.... but i would never REALLY be like i think. sure, it may be peaceful, and even awe inspiring , for your soul. But what about everyone else? that is the biggest thing for me.... who will take of my pets, like I do? i would feel sooo horrible for my dad, my parents..... my sisters, my friends. i would just hate for anyone to feel pain. i am quasicurious just to see who all would be effected by my death, but not Morbidly so. Enjoy living, because who knows if you will enjoy Death. lRB... that was NOT a suicide note. I would never do such a thing. I have no pets, but I do have children and grandchildren. I would NEVER inflict such pain on my family either. I was just wondering if anyone else could understand what this is like. A kind of undying dying....so hard to explain to anyone.. but I try..... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I was just wondering if anyone else could understand what this is like. A kind of undying dying....so hard to explain to anyone.. but I try..... I understand it exactly....and i gave you my answer already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 Thats cool alpha, I got it the first time, thanks..... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 lRB... that was NOT a suicide note. I would never do such a thing. I have no pets, but I do have children and grandchildren. I would NEVER inflict such pain on my family either. I was just wondering if anyone else could understand what this is like. A kind of undying dying....so hard to explain to anyone.. but I try..... did i say "oh no do not kill yourself?" no, i was trying to relate how i feel about dying each day. i am not scared of death, i have felt death almost squeeze the life from my heart, literally. and i the time, i kinda thought that was what i wanted, but it was not. I just want to cease to exist most times. but where would all the people you know be with out you, witabix... besides constipated it just seems like such a selfish "wish" at times and that is how you come come back down from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 lRB.. its stranger than that.... a feeling that says I want to go on, and can go on, and will go on. But .... I don't lmpw what the but is..... its as though I have run out of energy to go on, or maybe run out of interest in this existence (Melodramatic I know!).. But it matters not anyway. I will continue, and one day I will come back to life. The ruin that is my heart will one day be repaired, maybe there will be no one to who wants to repair the damage, but I know I can turn a ruin into a place of refuge and peace.....for me. Celtic melodrama and romanticism lights up the air. Lol Who really gives a **** anyway? I do..... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 or maybe run out of interest in this existence (Melodramatic I know!).... ok... so do something interesting, go skydiving, SCUBA dive, become a teacher, an EMT, a life gaurd.... Volunteer, contribute. Do something, anything.... it will be different and start a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
DyingHeart Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Was not sure where to post this. So put it here.... Have not been around for a while..... Some of you may know me, most probably won't. I have been contemplating dying. Thinking how peaceful it would be. Depressed? I truly do not think so. I have nothing to be depressed about. I should be really happy. There is a......feeling, perhaps, .....nothing more than that. A feeling of impending mortality, as though I am about to die. I have spent the last few months tying up all the loose ends in my life. Making amends. An odd feeling, a requirement almost, to ensure that no one thinks too badly of me. I smile and laugh when others are around me, and I am happy, but alone with my thoughts I feel as though I have done enough. Lived enough 'lives'. More than most have. I am in pain. Not physical, more a soul pain, why? I honestly do not know. I know my talents and good points.....it is not me....I also know my bad points. I am tired. tired of living. Soul tired, heart tired, life tired. This NOT a suicide note. I wonder if any one else can understand this, thats all........... I think I know what you're trying to say. You feel happy and but your soul feels empty and dead? I've been there. And yes, if you were in America, the shrinks here would be quick to label you as depressed and put you on medication, sadly. I don't know you at all, but did you go through some really rough times in your life that's maybe making you feel as if you lived enough? Maybe you really should find a job with a little excitement in it. It sounds as if that's what your soul is telling you. Then again, it very well could be actual depression. You don't have to feel depressed mentally to BE depressed. Do you have someone close to you that you can talk to about this? Someone you trust? Please take care of yourself, and know that you aren't the only one to ever feel like this. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I have been contemplating dying. Thinking how peaceful it would be. Think of what the feelings your Daughter and your Grandchild will have if you were dead. Those are the feelings that you should be thinking about right now.. Alpha is right.. you need to get to a DR. You are Depressed Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I get weary And sick of tryin I'm tired of livin But scared of dyin And Ol Man River He keeps on rollin' Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 witabix! Sorry to hear you're feeling down and out. People go through low times in their lives at various occasions. It does sound like you're depressed. How long have you been feeling this way? I really would love it if you could go talk to your Dr, and get this under control now...You are a good guy, with a big loving heart! (You've been missed ALOT here on LS!!) Life does suck sometimes, but as I always tell myself when I have a bad day (and I tell my friends this too) TOMORROW will be a better day..And if not, tomorrow, then the next day. W, we wanna see ya feeling better so please don't do anything drastic.........And, don't isolate yourself! Anytime you need to vent and get stuff out, come post on LS. Hugs and I hope you listen to my advice! Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I'm also sorry you're feeling so despondent, Witabix. Are you on anti-depressants at all? I hear what you're saying about not being depressed, but perhaps you're not in the frame of mind where you can have proper insight into that. I know pills aren't the answer to everything, but if there's a chance that getting treatment for this could help to get you out of this current feeling then surely it's worth a go? You seem to be saying that there's some infinitely wise voice inside you telling you that you've lived enough, but depressed thinking is probably often very convincing, plausible and wise sounding. Please get some help, rather than just accepting that the pattern of thoughts and emotions you're locked into represent some sort of insurmountable truth. What if some professional help and treatment resulted in you feeling like a brand new person with renewed zest for life in 6 months time? Who's to say it wouldn't have that effect? At least have a go at fighting this, rather than just giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I've had twinges of that feeling occasionally. Mostly just thinking that life overall seems a bit pointless. If I expired right now, my life wouldn't have been much to mourn. I just went to school and worked, and I had some girlfriends, but no lasting attachments. Overall, I haven't done anything that anyone really cares about. Some people would feel pain if I disappeared, but that would pass. And so would they. In a hundred years, there will be almost no evidence that I ever existed. I have been trying to figure out what makes a life well-lived and worthwhile. I'm not sure. It seems like in the end there are not many ways to leave a mark. What would you really have to do to hold your head high when facing God and say "I made a difference, and it mattered that I lived." If you look at the major figures in history, what difference did even they really make? Alexander the Great died young, and all we have are stories of him that mostly give a questionably-accurate understanding of who he was. George Bush will someday just be on the list of presidents. No one will care anymore about Iraq or tax cuts. Someday the effects Hitler had will dissipate, and he'll be known more as a charicature than as an actual person who lived. And no one will care so much what happened. So what's the point? What stops me from gassing myself in my garage? Why do I try to eat right and take care of myself? I think in the end all we ever want is to be loved (by yourself and by others) and to love. That's how you get through life most happily. It makes the present bearable. Nothing else that you do really matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 In a hundred years, there will be almost no evidence that I ever existed. Your Ebay history or feedback will still be around in 100 years.. it never goes away. you will be loved again Johan... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I've had twinges of that feeling occasionally. Mostly just thinking that life overall seems a bit pointless. If I expired right now, my life wouldn't have been much to mourn. I just went to school and worked, and I had some girlfriends, but no lasting attachments. Overall, I haven't done anything that anyone really cares about. Some people would feel pain if I disappeared, but that would pass. And so would they. In a hundred years, there will be almost no evidence that I ever existed. i think this is CRAP! This is How YOU are viewing your life. You do not know who and how you have effected others, only those persons know. many famous and infamous people were not known until after death. The best way to Not accomplish anything with your life and Not leave a mark, even if it can be washed away, is to do nothing. In fact, Wit and Johan, you two can just sit idle and do nothing... that way the rest of humanity will have things occupy the rest of our existance. Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Everybody thinks about their own mortality sometimes, especially as we get nearer old age. I've been there. Sometimes I get the idea that I'm going to pre-decease my parents. Don't know why. I know that I've made lots of mistakes in the past and I don't have a lot to show for my life right now but I do believe that the best years of my life are still ahead of me. I can achieve so much if I keep fighting and overcoming. I have to believe that because otherwise what's the point of going on? With all the war, death, politics in the world, why don't we all just walk into the sea and destroy ourselves? If you believe you have nothing to live for, you might as well do that. A couple of years ago I was just a few days from killing myself. I just wanted all the pain to end. But then my friend, who had as much reason for hating me as anyone, told me to see a doctor and get help. She even said that, if I wanted, she would come with me. When she said that I broke down because I honestly couldn't believe that anyone cared about me that much. You would be surprised how many people care about you and love you and want you to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Was not sure where to post this. So put it here.... Have not been around for a while..... Some of you may know me, most probably won't. I have been contemplating dying. Thinking how peaceful it would be. Depressed? I truly do not think so. I have nothing to be depressed about. I should be really happy. There is a......feeling, perhaps, .....nothing more than that. A feeling of impending mortality, as though I am about to die. I have spent the last few months tying up all the loose ends in my life. Making amends. An odd feeling, a requirement almost, to ensure that no one thinks too badly of me. I smile and laugh when others are around me, and I am happy, but alone with my thoughts I feel as though I have done enough. Lived enough 'lives'. More than most have. I am in pain. Not physical, more a soul pain, why? I honestly do not know. I know my talents and good points.....it is not me....I also know my bad points. I am tired. tired of living. Soul tired, heart tired, life tired. This NOT a suicide note. I wonder if any one else can understand this, thats all........... Go see a Doctor, I don't care if it's not "cool" over there, that doesn't matter. I know of someone on Depression Meds, the person's doing ALOT better now. Trust us on this, don't do anything to yourself, I say that, just in case if you really are thinking like that. Get the help, MAN! You're worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 lRB... that was NOT a suicide note. I would never do such a thing. I have no pets, but I do have children and grandchildren. I would NEVER inflict such pain on my family either. I was just wondering if anyone else could understand what this is like. A kind of undying dying....so hard to explain to anyone.. but I try..... I definately understand. But I also have clinical depression, so there you go. There's your answer. I have lived with a nagging sense that I should be dead for a long time, now. Maybe I should be. Who knows. But I wouldn't end my life just because of a feeling. Feelings are not very logical, are they. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 i think this is CRAP! This is How YOU are viewing your life. You do not know who and how you have effected others, only those persons know. I think johan was just giving a snapshot of how downtime can feel when you're going through it. It's not necessarily a reflection of how someone feels all the time. Similar thing with suicidal thoughts (though I take Witabix's point that he's not contemplating suicide here, but is mulling over that feeling of being a bit tired of life). People have an understandable tendency to freak out a bit when someone drops hints about suicide ideation, and maybe that's because they feel as if they've been handed the responsibility of trying to talk the person out of such thoughts. In that sense, people can sometimes be discouraged from airing what needs to be aired as a first step towards getting help to challenge and hopefully change depressed patterns of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 i think this is CRAP! You may have misunderstood me. I'm not depressed or even particularly down. I'm just speaking from the point of view of facts. And not just about myself, but about everyone. The search for meaning in life always goes on, but I consider it delusional to think I'm having some grand influence on life on Earth. If I had never been here, you wouldn't know any different. And whatever pain my passing might cause will go away, along with the people who feel it. Some of the people who loved me most have moved on, and I'm just a memory to them. And the memory isn't me, and over time it become less and less accurate or meaningful to them. So the best I can hope for is to find some reason why my existence matters right now in the present. Or eles just don't worry about it. To be honest the latter is the only thing that provides any satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 So the best I can hope for is to find some reason why my existence matters right now in the present. Or eles just don't worry about it. To be honest the latter is the only thing that provides any satisfaction. I would definately miss you johan...... i just HAVE to look at it as glass-half-full.... otherwise i get locked into Depression mode..... i have been off prozac for almost a year now, although i probably should in the winter. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Whether history remembers you, or not it doesn't matter. You'll be dead. The best thing is to be young, dumb and full of cum and second to that is to be rich. Everything else sucks, especially art. Yours truly, aspiring novelist Link to post Share on other sites
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