question for wives who have fallen out of love

[holding on]

Well my wife has fallen out of love with me for no reason. She still says i'm the best husband and father in the world but I just don't do it for her anymore. Boy does that hurt! But here is my question to any women who feel the way my wife does. Just after our second child about 3 1/2 years ago my wife said her feeling for me have changed and she didn't feel the same about me anymore. Still cared for me but not in a sexual way,more like a brother or something. So now we're headed for Divorse. Then I did alot of research about womens behavior. and noticed alot of posts about falling out of love with husbands but not so much men falling out of love with their wives. tonight I found out some research on MHC (major histocompatibility complex) thats what makes most women want to be with a man. however if a women is on the pill or preg. it can distort or reverse how she really feels. Please see this link for more info. [COLOR=#810081]Birth Control Pills vs Marital Relations[/COLOR] My wife was on the pill when I met here. Came off the pill to have children and never went back on. Could it be that she naturaly wouldn't have chose me to be her mate in the first place? I'f she goes back on the pill will it fix everything? Just wondering if this is coinsidense for me. But does it make anyone else wonder? Please tell me what you think?

[Rooster_DAR]

Well my wife has fallen out of love with me for no reason. She still says i'm the best husband and father in the world but I just don't do it for her anymore. Boy does that hurt! But here is my question to any women who feel the way my wife does. Just after our second child about 3 1/2 years ago my wife said her feeling for me have changed and she didn't feel the same about me anymore. Still cared for me but not in a sexual way,more like a brother or something. So now we're headed for Divorse. Then I did alot of research about womens behavior. and noticed alot of posts about falling out of love with husbands but not so much men falling out of love with their wives. tonight I found out some research on MHC (major histocompatibility complex) thats what makes most women want to be with a man. however if a women is on the pill or preg. it can distort or reverse how she really feels. Please see this link for more info. [COLOR=#810081]Birth Control Pills vs Marital Relations[/COLOR] My wife was on the pill when I met here. Came off the pill to have children and never went back on. Could it be that she naturaly wouldn't have chose me to be her mate in the first place? I'f she goes back on the pill will it fix everything? Just wondering if this is coinsidense for me. But does it make anyone else wonder? Please tell me what you think?

 

You will find this very common in women today, many of them are leaving otherwise good husbands for exactly the same reasons. Pick up the book "Womens Infedelity" or check out http://womensinfidelity.com/

 

Also, start searching out this website and you will be amazed at how similar your case is with others going through the same thing. There are many reasons this could be happening, and not every situation is always the same.

 

Good luck!

[Gunny376]

You will find this very common in women today, many of them are leaving otherwise good husbands for exactly the same reasons. Pick up the book "Womens Infedelity" or check out http://womensinfidelity.com/

 

Also, start searching out this website and you will be amazed at how similar your case is with others going through the same thing. There are many reasons this could be happening, and not every situation is always the same.

 

Good luck!

 

Like he said!

 

Very insightfull e-book! (Thanks Bro, for hooking me up with it, it answered a lot of questions) :cool: :cool: :cool:

[Rooster_DAR]

Like he said!

 

Very insightfull e-book! (Thanks Bro, for hooking me up with it, it answered a lot of questions) :cool: :cool: :cool:

 

Yeah, not problem. I think this author has good insights to what's going on, I certainly could see the similarities through my ordeal.

[bklk1227]

Gunny & Rooster,

 

That is a great resource... but do any WOMEN actually read it to try and understand their behavior???

 

I was tempted to send it to my wife but I am sure since she is in the midst of an emotional affair and divorce she would just get pissed.

 

Thoughts?

[Gunny376]

Gunny & Rooster,

 

That is a great resource... but do any WOMEN actually read it to try and understand their behavior???

 

I was tempted to send it to my wife but I am sure since she is in the midst of an emotional affair and divorce she would just get pissed.

 

Thoughts?

 

IMHO? No, in their minds, your the problem and the question. Sorry Bro. IMHO? A lot of it is hormonal. They're as much a victim as you are of all this!

[Salicious Crumb]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It sucks...I know.

 

Some people just can't handle being with the same person for long periods of time. They get bored and always look for that greener grass. Its not your fault.

 

But since she is the one that wants out for her obvious selfish reasons, unless you are going for joint custody, I think you should be the one to get the kids.

 

Good luck.

[Rooster_DAR]

Gunny & Rooster,

 

That is a great resource... but do any WOMEN actually read it to try and understand their behavior???

 

I was tempted to send it to my wife but I am sure since she is in the midst of an emotional affair and divorce she would just get pissed.

 

Thoughts?

 

When women are in this delirioum, they will avoid anything that could make them feel bad, so I doubt sending the book will do any good at all. When my EX was in her affair, I tried getting her to read a book, and everytime her old favorite TV show came on "Cheaters" she would avoid it at all costs. So you see, they will not allow themselves to see the **tty person they have become, it would ruin their prospect and they would have to face the emotional battle involved with their decisions.

 

Best move on and understand it's not you, and you can't save them so take care of yourself. The information will give you much more insight and knowledge of women so you can be a little pickier next time you choose a mate.

 

Cheers!

[lovelorcet]

MHC receptors are what allow our immune system to pick up different "non-self" substances in our bodies and are one of the most genetically variable traits we have. Keeping a good mix will give the progeny better genetic tools to fight disease. So this is really an advantagous marker to use when selecting a mate.

 

But the fun does not stop there...

 

A woman will also find different types of men attractive during different points in her cycle. During most of her cycle she will find men with lower levels of testosterone (ie the Nice guy) attractive and during ovulation when she can get pregnant is when she finds men with higher testosterone levels more attractive.

 

These things do influence how we behave but you are forgetting the fact that we also have a brain and that plays a major role in how we feel about people. The stress of having children and how you and your wife treat each other are major factors in your relationship and not the pill.

 

Don't use the pill as a scapegoat, take a deeper look into your relationship that that.

[Gunny376]

According to Newsweek, and MSNBC, for the first time in American History, 51% of American women are single.

 

That's has to do as much with men choosing not to marry women as it does with women choosing not to marry men. The gig is up! Men are getting wise to women and their BS!

 

An intersting point made in the e-book is that you can go to any bookstore, and find book after book about men's shortcomings and infedlity ~ but you won't do so when it comes to women and theirs.

 

This BS doublt standard of "Mama Plays ~ but Daddy pays!" is pure un-adulterated BS. As is, "If a man cheats ~ its his fault, if a woman cheats. its still his fault! BS!

 

For a lot of people ~ men and women ~ its not "until death do you part", but "until you piss me off enough times or bad enough or until I find a better deal down the road"

 

You see my picture in the Sunday paper talking about getting married you can bet your horse, saddle, hat and guns she's all of that and then some, and that she's well versed in just more than the societial myths and fallacies about marriage, and what marriage is, and is fully aware of emotional intimacy ~ and all that ensues.

[Gunny376]

MHC receptors are what allow our immune system to pick up different "non-self" substances in our bodies and are one of the most genetically variable traits we have. Keeping a good mix will give the progeny better genetic tools to fight disease. So this is really an advantagous marker to use when selecting a mate.

 

But the fun does not stop there...

 

A woman will also find different types of men attractive during different points in her cycle. During most of her cycle she will find men with lower levels of testosterone (ie the Nice guy) attractive and during ovulation when she can get pregnant is when she finds men with higher testosterone levels more attractive.

 

These things do influence how we behave but you are forgetting the fact that we also have a brain and that plays a major role in how we feel about people. The stress of having children and how you and your wife treat each other are major factors in your relationship and not the pill.

 

Don't use the pill as a scapegoat, take a deeper look into your relationship that that.

 

To me a clearer argument about the influences that women's hormones play in all of this can't be made more than the Lisa Womak story. :eek: :eek:

 

She's toast~! Her family, her husband, her marriage,her job, her carrer in the military and with NASA, her military retirement (she's only got 18 of 20 years in), criminal charges, court costs, attorney fees, fines, jail time, a military court martial (adultry is punishable under the Uniform Code of Military Justice) for what? A little strange on the side? :mad: :mad:

 

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Mz. Pixie]

That's has to do as much with men choosing not to marry women as it does with women choosing not to marry men. The gig is up! Men are getting wise to women and their BS!

 

And alot of times women leave their men because they are tired of their BS.

 

For me, my exhusband was a nice guy and a good dad- but he had a entirely different way of looking at a marriage. He wanted a maid, a cook, a bookkeeper who would help pay for his hobbies and him not have to worry about pesky little things like finances, a nanny, as well as a wife who would be waiting for him for sex when he finally decided to roll home after having fun all weekend pursuing his hobbies while I stayed at home with the kids.

 

I wanted a partner and lover.

 

I fell out of love with my husband for various reasons such as above but also because he never kissed me deeply unless he wanted sex, truly he really didn't have much use for me other than the above things he wanted me for.

 

He never called me at work to tell me he was thinking about me, he never gave me any praise except for saying I was sexy, he never gave me any affection unless he wanted sex.

 

I tried to get him to work on our marriage and even told him I'd leave or have an affair if he didn't start staying home and meeting my emotional needs. He said he was too busy to work on our marriage! He was clueless about emotional needs because he never bothered to read the books I brought home or the things I printed out from marriage builders.

 

I fell out of love with him a long time before I ever had an affair. I loved him as the father of our kids and as a really good friend but when your H's idea of making love is "Hey, let's go knock off a piece" :sick: it's hard to get revved up for him in the bedroom.

 

Committment and the fact that I was religious and had sworn to be with him forever kept me for a long time until I had a hormonal shift due to having a hysterectomy and I had a death in my family of the only person who ever gave a damn about me and put me before herself- my grandmother.

 

I came to understand that most of my life I'd been sacrificing what I wanted for everyone else- my mentally disturbed mother then directly to my H. I wanted someone who would love me as unselfishly as I loved them. It was obvious to me that even though he'd promised to change several times this is just how he was and he was never going to change.

 

I can look back and see alot of things I should have done differently- such as separating before I had an affair which might have perhaps woke him up and left me with some honor. However, both people in a marriage contribute to the demise. PERIOD. It's not always the woman's fault and it's not always the man's fault- it's BOTH of their faults.

[Gunny376]

And alot of times women leave their men because they are tired of their BS.

 

For me, my exhusband was a nice guy and a good dad- but he had a entirely different way of looking at a marriage. He wanted a maid, a cook, a bookkeeper who would help pay for his hobbies and him not have to worry about pesky little things like finances, a nanny, as well as a wife who would be waiting for him for sex when he finally decided to roll home after having fun all weekend pursuing his hobbies while I stayed at home with the kids.

 

I wanted a partner and lover.

 

I fell out of love with my husband for various reasons such as above but also because he never kissed me deeply unless he wanted sex, truly he really didn't have much use for me other than the above things he wanted me for.

 

He never called me at work to tell me he was thinking about me, he never gave me any praise except for saying I was sexy, he never gave me any affection unless he wanted sex.

 

I tried to get him to work on our marriage and even told him I'd leave or have an affair if he didn't start staying home and meeting my emotional needs. He said he was too busy to work on our marriage! He was clueless about emotional needs because he never bothered to read the books I brought home or the things I printed out from marriage builders.

 

I fell out of love with him a long time before I ever had an affair. I loved him as the father of our kids and as a really good friend but when your H's idea of making love is "Hey, let's go knock off a piece" :sick: it's hard to get revved up for him in the bedroom.

 

Committment and the fact that I was religious and had sworn to be with him forever kept me for a long time until I had a hormonal shift due to having a hysterectomy and I had a death in my family of the only person who ever gave a damn about me and put me before herself- my grandmother.

 

I came to understand that most of my life I'd been sacrificing what I wanted for everyone else- my mentally disturbed mother then directly to my H. I wanted someone who would love me as unselfishly as I loved them. It was obvious to me that even though he'd promised to change several times this is just how he was and he was never going to change.

 

I can look back and see alot of things I should have done differently- such as separating before I had an affair which might have perhaps woke him up and left me with some honor. However, both people in a marriage contribute to the demise. PERIOD. It's not always the woman's fault and it's not always the man's fault- it's BOTH of their faults.

 

It wasn't my intent to paint a one sided picture ~ that door swings both ways! Its takes two to make it. Men certainly aren't without fault and shortcomings ~ and can be just as flakey as women. It never ceases to amaze me how many men are willing to totally willing to wreck their marriages and lifes over a little "strange" ~ more often than you will witness a woman doing so!? Nor was it my aim to incinuate that women are complete and total slaves to their hormonal system ~ devoid ~ of free will and weak minded. Certainly not the case, at all.

 

The key seems to be in open communication and knoweldge ~ "Knoweledge is King" and in being pro-active going into a relationship.

 

And, certainly women have PMS ~ but they often times comes down with a bad case of TPMS ~ Tired of Putting Up With Men's S***! Which for a lot of men is a self inflicted wound.

[polywog]

My LTR is ending , and I have been reading all sorts of stuff on the web to get an idea of what went wrong. I love this site: marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi13_tour.html

 

I think that others on LS have mentioned it. Take a look, it has lots of interesting ideas about marriage and what keeps it going (or not).

[Gunny376]

Committment and the fact that I was religious and had sworn to be with him forever kept me for a long time until I had a hormonal shift due to having a hysterectomy and I had a death in my family of the only person who ever gave a damn about me and put me before herself- my grandmother.

 

Like Lady Jane said, "Respecting one another's want and needs, and priotizing or at least making each other's wants and needs a priorty!"

[Gunny376]

but when your H's idea of making love is "Hey, let's go knock off a piece" :sick: it's hard to get revved up for him in the bedroom

 

And the e-book Rooster and I are discussing, covers that very point, about approaching your wife/SO with love, and affection, etc with a clear pretty picture in her mind that it doesn't always mean you're, (the man) not just approaching her for sex. She, (the author) even advocated scheduling sex, so that will take place, and there's mor kissing, hugging, and cuddling going on ~ thus the women getting some of her emotional needs without ending up on her back!

[ponderingfar]

"I fell out of love with my husband for various reasons such as above but also because he never kissed me deeply unless he wanted sex, truly he really didn't have much use for me other than the above things he wanted me for."

 

you should consider yourself lucky, when my husband's physiologic need comes, sex happens without kissing at all!!! so ABnormal!!! i do not know but maybe there are only a few men gifted with the talent of really connecting with a woman's core...

 

i feel exactly the same, I have been married for 4 years now and I have never felt so alone. He is a good dad but i need a husband not a co-parent, sometimes i think if I should just count my blessings that he is a good dad and a good person but the sad thing is he doesnt validate my womanhood at all. I am his nanny, mother, bookeeper a ms. fix it all for him...but I have never really felt lonely til I lived with him.

[Gunny376]

"I fell out of love with my husband for various reasons such as above but also because he never kissed me deeply unless he wanted sex, truly he really didn't have much use for me other than the above things he wanted me for."

 

you should consider yourself lucky, when my husband's physiologic need comes, sex happens without kissing at all!!! so ABnormal!!! i do not know but maybe there are only a few men gifted with the talent of really connecting with a woman's core...

 

i feel exactly the same, I have been married for 4 years now and I have never felt so alone. He is a good dad but i need a husband not a co-parent, sometimes i think if I should just count my blessings that he is a good dad and a good person but the sad thing is he doesnt validate my womanhood at all. I am his nanny, mother, bookeeper a ms. fix it all for him...but I have never really felt lonely til I lived with him.

 

In another lifetime, in a galaxy far, far away, I use to be like this ~ and when my marriage ended it just devasted me, I was like Steve Martin in the movie "The Jerk" when his world felt apart, (mentally and emotionally anyway).

 

I got very postively motivated to learn and grow ~ (thus my presence here at LS, even though I'm currently by choice single and not in a relationship)

 

I don't ever want to go through that **** again! That ****HURTS!!!!!!! All over, mentally, emotionally, financially! You go through a serious heartbreak, and breakup and come out the otherside you can call yourself a man!

[mum2three]

I don't know what to say in that I feel most of us here at LS want to get back with our spouses. But in hindsight, many of us have trouble going back in time and reinventing ourselves to give our SO what they need b/c there is too much hurt there. On that same note, I don't know if WAS can ever meet our needs again b/c we have built a wall of self-preservation up. Maybe we find LS at our "desperation" stage so we want to please and fix the M.

 

I really do commend those who broke down all the barriers by acknowledging their own faults and being forgiving their SOs for theirs shortcomings. It takes more work than meeting someone new and just wiping the slate clean. Although that may not prevent one from getting into the same sitch if we never worked on bettering ourselves.

[Mz. Pixie]

you should consider yourself lucky, when my husband's physiologic need comes, sex happens without kissing at all!!! so ABnormal!!! i do not know but maybe there are only a few men gifted with the talent of really connecting with a woman's core...

 

I heard a lady on the radio say her husbands idea of foreplay was to roll over- grab one breast briefly and say "Drop a leg"

 

 

 

i feel exactly the same, I have been married for 4 years now and I have never felt so alone. He is a good dad but i need a husband not a co-parent, sometimes i think if I should just count my blessings that he is a good dad and a good person but the sad thing is he doesnt validate my womanhood at all. I am his nanny, mother, bookeeper a ms. fix it all for him...but I have never really felt lonely til I lived with him.

 

I understand where you are completely- but I think you're a little ahead of the timeline. I'd been married 12 years.

 

The only advice I have for you is if you want to get out- do so now- do not cheat- because that only opens up a huge can of worms. YOU will end up hurting just as much from guilt. Do it the honorable way.

 

Better yet- give him a chance to change and work on the marriage. Tell him

"Babe, this is not working for me and I'm not happy. I want our marriage to be the best it can possibly be for both of us. I'm willing to explore some possibilities such as marriage builders or marriage counseling. In fact, I think that's what we need to do to grow. If you're not willing to consider marriage counseling then I'm going to have to explore my options" You don't have to tell him you're exploring divorce- just your options.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't know what to say in that I feel most of us here at LS want to get back with our spouses. But in hindsight, many of us have trouble going back in time and reinventing ourselves to give our SO what they need b/c there is too much hurt there.

 

I understand where you're coming from Mum.

 

Your situation is completely different than mine. Your H apparently didn't try to talk to you about the problems or issues he had with the marriage- he just went out and cheated.

 

I talked and talked and talked. Suggested counseling probably 10-15 times over the three years prior to my leaving him. Brought home articles which he threw away and books he didn't read. He thought the only problem was was that we didn't have enough sex. So, I upped the amount of sex we were having?? Did I get my needs met?? No. He didn't have TIME.

 

Basically, I believe he honestly thought I'd never leave so why would he have to please me or meet my needs. He either thought I couldn't afford it or that I just wouldn't do it. Perhaps he thought no one else would be interested in me??? I dunno.

 

Everyone got a big shock when I packed my little boxes up and moved into an apartment and supported myself. I left the big nice home I'd personally decorated and left the new car I drove. I moved into an apartment where I didn't even have sheets to put on my kids beds until I got some more money (because he closed our joint account and didn't give me access to any money).

 

I didn't leave my exh for OM so I cannot really relate to people who do, like your H.

[quankanne]

to the OP – you don't mention how long you've been married, but it's been my personal experience that the "good feelings" about a relationship last maybe the first couple of years, then reality sets in. If you're lucky, and both of you work at it, finding ways to help improve yourselves and your marriage; otherwise you let yourself get into a mindset that things just cannot be improved and you stay in that rut.

 

with us, a weekend marriage retreat helped put things in perspective for both of us, and gave us the tools to help better our communication in our relationship. Mind you, there are times when one of us gets frustrated as all get-out, but that is tempered by the knowledge that we stay married because we want to be married to each other.

 

pretty much, it boils down to making that choice every day to stay married and finding ways to help through the sticky or low parts. My guess is that sometimes, people often overlook finding ways to make it through those times and want to move to the next stage, which is starting over without their mate.

 

sometimes, though, one person can put every effort imaginable into their marriage, but unless the other person gives similar effort, the relationship just doesn't work out. Like what Pix posted – you give til you're all gave out.

[Woggle]

Some women just have issues and instead of working on their issues themselves the man in their life becomes the blame and the focus of all their anger whether he deserves it or not. At this point you become the bad guy and everything is your fault. There is really nothing a man can do about it so if your wife does this cut her loose and enjoy your freedom. If my wife wants to leave there is the door.

[Sup]

According to Newsweek, and MSNBC, for the first time in American History, 51% of American women are single.

 

That's has to do as much with men choosing not to marry women as it does with women choosing not to marry men. The gig is up! Men are getting wise to women and their BS!

 

An intersting point made in the e-book is that you can go to any bookstore, and find book after book about men's shortcomings and infedlity ~ but you won't do so when it comes to women and theirs.

 

This BS doublt standard of "Mama Plays ~ but Daddy pays!" is pure un-adulterated BS. As is, "If a man cheats ~ its his fault, if a woman cheats. its still his fault! BS!

 

For a lot of people ~ men and women ~ its not "until death do you part", but "until you piss me off enough times or bad enough or until I find a better deal down the road"

 

You see my picture in the Sunday paper talking about getting married you can bet your horse, saddle, hat and guns she's all of that and then some, and that she's well versed in just more than the societial myths and fallacies about marriage, and what marriage is, and is fully aware of emotional intimacy ~ and all that ensues.

 

 

I can see MENS Lib coming soon! And not in a theater!

[Mustang Sally]

I have not cheated. But I have felt disenchanted, if you will, in my M. I purchased and read (in one sitting) the e-book at Rooster's suggested site. I think it is an invaluable assessment of the woman's situation. I took the information given to heart.

 

I have read many other sites/books/articles, etc...anything I can get my hands on to try to understand what I'm going through and make reasonable decisions about my personal, my marriage's and my kids' futures.

 

So I guess I'm saying that not all confused spouses (women or men) just go out and let the emotions/hormones carry them away. Some of us are quite introspective and try to educate ourselves...

 

Definitely, in every marriage, there are 2 people involved that, ultimately, both SHARE responsiblity for whether the M makes it or not.