question for wives who have fallen out of love

[Rooster_DAR]

I have not cheated. But I have felt disenchanted, if you will, in my M. I purchased and read (in one sitting) the e-book at Rooster's suggested site. I think it is an invaluable assessment of the woman's situation. I took the information given to heart.

 

I have read many other sites/books/articles, etc...anything I can get my hands on to try to understand what I'm going through and make reasonable decisions about my personal, my marriage's and my kids' futures.

 

So I guess I'm saying that not all confused spouses (women or men) just go out and let the emotions/hormones carry them away. Some of us are quite introspective and try to educate ourselves...

 

Definitely, in every marriage, there are 2 people involved that, ultimately, both SHARE responsiblity for whether the M makes it or not.

 

Wow! one sitting? I think I made about half the book in one sitting. You sound like a very mature person, and it's extremely commendable that you sought to figure this thing out instead of going on an emotional fury.

 

I am reluctant to believe right away everything I read, but this author was really on target with her observations. I was a bit suprised on how the book was structured, but after reading for a while it came together.

 

I only hope more people (especially women) read this book, I think it will help them understand some of the confusion they deal with in LTR's.

 

Mrs Pixie, I think we can all agree your case is quite different that many of these others, and it sounds like you put your effort into trying to make things work. I don't think infedelity is acceptable, but I can certainly understand how it would have fallen on you.

 

Cheers everyone!

[ponderingfar]

I heard a lady on the radio say her husbands idea of foreplay was to roll over- grab one breast briefly and say "Drop a leg"

 

I understand where you are completely- but I think you're a little ahead of the timeline. I'd been married 12 years.

 

The only advice I have for you is if you want to get out- do so now- do not cheat- because that only opens up a huge can of worms. YOU will end up hurting just as much from guilt. Do it the honorable way.

 

Better yet- give him a chance to change and work on the marriage. Tell him

"Babe, this is not working for me and I'm not happy. I want our marriage to be the best it can possibly be for both of us. I'm willing to explore some possibilities such as marriage builders or marriage counseling. In fact, I think that's what we need to do to grow. If you're not willing to consider marriage counseling then I'm going to have to explore my options" You don't have to tell him you're exploring divorce- just your options.

 

Mz. Pixie, that foreplay thing is funny. Would you be able to feel endeared with someone who holds you for a few seconds, then the next thing you hear is his "NGOOOORK!" - snores like anything. Someone who doesn't even notice when you didn't sleep with him but slept downstairs coz you feel you're a human being who naturally needs to rest and not listen to his one-man symphony the rest of the night. I got tired of talking to him about how couples should consummate their love, because coming to think of it, there might not be any to begin with, besides I feel that that act is like running on a treadmill, you feel so tired running but it never brought you anywhere. I couldn't blame him coz he grew up alone, no functional family since his mother was out of the country and his father was with another family, he has no brothers or sisters, probable reason why he doesn't know how to relate. I on the other hand came from an intact religious family - proud to say my parents just celebrated their 50th wedding. I used to kid around with my friends that every female in my family, single (from my youngest niece to my mother) have more active sex life than me. I have lasted months without it and could prob last some more, that I could stand, what is beginning to torment me is the emptiness and void i feel, and the guilt for not being able to give my children the best family. I have no plans of cheating on him as I could never do anything to hurt and devastate my children and I do not believe that is the answer...by the way I failed to mention that he never confessed he had a prior marriage w/ 2 kids until i got pregnant. I have felt so cheated and I hate him for crushing my self esteem as well as my dreams of a happy marriage.BR

[chadnickole]

I read it twice and it really did make me feel, kinda bad for the woman who are dealing with or have delt with the Hormoes!! I told mty wife about it and than it really had opened my eyes to alot of things, I asked her if she would give it a chance and told her that is ment to be about what is going on in a womans body and mind, to help explain why they sometimes get the feeling of there husband feeling like a brother or a room mate!!

 

She read a little got pissed off and said "this book is all aboud woman cheating and I'm not a cheater" !! Just another case of woman thinking it is always someone elses fault......Not all woman or all Men!!

 

We just need to stop pointing fingers and realize we screw things up in our relationships just as much as the S.O.

 

So you Woamn and Men Pull your heads out off your asses and stop putting the blame on everyone else around you, You are in control of you!! If you want some one to treat you better treat them better!!

 

A Woman = " know how 2make him treat me better I'll nag, nag , nag make him think nothing he does is good enough and hold sex against Him!! That will make him be nicer and more loving"

 

A man = " She being a bitch, WTF She needs to stop that ****, I know how to fix it I'm gonna go out and drink with me buddys and avoid and ignore the whole situation as much as I can, that will fix it, she start being nicer"

 

Wake the F--- Up people!! Treat others how you want to be treated and stop being so damn selfish

[ponderingfar]

Basically, I believe he honestly thought I'd never leave so why would he have to please me or meet my needs. He either thought I couldn't afford it or that I just wouldn't do it. Perhaps he thought no one else would be interested in me??? I dunno.

 

Mz. Pixie, of everyone else in this LJ, I definitely could identify with you, that is what my father always said, H relies on the fact that coming from a religious family and values instilled in me, I would never leave him. He would always tell me that there is no decent man who would truly love a woman with instant family (separated woman like me with 2 kids). That is what i keep on telling H, he thinks I would never leave so there's no reason why he should go out of his way to meet my needs. I know also that he could just leave us just like what he did his first family. He has told me over and over again that he could go back to being alone. My parents are supportive of me and they would often tell me I am still young and how long could I afford to stay in this misery. But I know you know that once you have kids, your priority will no longer be your own interest, but your children's. By the way, over and above the fact that he doesn't know how to relate, I still have to deal with his son who comes to me once in awhile to extract money. Whenever I see his son, emotions take turn pulling my heart strings, I pity his son for having a father who abandoned them then I start to pity myself for the deceit then my children coz I know it will hurt them deeply knowing we are just the 2nd family. I could never explain to them that I didnt know this until I was pregnant. I sometimes hate myself for getting me and my children in this rut and pit. My H is 10 years my senior but he acts like he is younger than my eldest, he just couldn't do things on his own. I even had to leave my medical career to attend to the stores he opened one after the other...now I hate myself and all my decisions, regrets are always felt after the regrettable thing you have done... i shouldn't have gotten in to this just because he got me pregnant...i feel so stupid and worthless..sometimes I just console myself with the reality that everything comes to an end...TC

[Mz. Pixie]

He would always tell me that there is no decent man who would truly love a woman with instant family (separated woman like me with 2 kids).

 

Your H told you this?? That's big bullshxt.

 

When I was separated and dating I met several really nice guys who were not put off that I was a single mom of two kids.

 

My H now was more than happy to take on a woman with two kids.

 

When you're older and you get divorced almost everyone that you meet is going to be divorced or have kids. It's just like that.

 

My ex never told me stuff like that, he just wasn't around. He had the snoring problem also- and we didn't sleep in the same bed for the last three years of our marriage. To me, the intimacy in marriage and sleeping in the same bed go hand and hand.

 

Have you asked your H for marriage counseling???

[ponderingfar]

He has mentioned about it but never really did something about it. That is our set up, right after the kids sleep, I go down to our living room, do my stuff until the sun rises. And he wouldn't even wonder why I am not sleeping in our room anymore. I told him that if I was cheating on him I would have a great time since I could leave the house in the wee hours of the morning, come back, without him even noticing, he is so oblivious!

[MoonGirl]

ponderingfar,

 

I don't want to keep hijacking holdingon's thread, but I just want to let you know that since you're not happy, your kids probably sense that. Kids imitate what they see. For me, I guess my situation was worse (abusive husband), so leaving was really the only option I ended up with (I left yesterday). I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't want my kids to grow up to repeat what was being modeled for them. I realized that no marriage modeling was better for them than watching a very very bad marriage play out. The "staying for the kids" argument is crazy. Taking your kids' interests into consideration makes sense, but staying in a marriage void of love and built on a lie is not generally in your kids' best interest. I'm not sure how the exact quote was phrased, but Dr. Phil said something like "kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one."

I can't believe your H tells you that no man would want a woman with 2 kids. ha! Like Mz. Pixie said, there are many nice men who would have no problem being with a woman who has kids.

 

HoldingOn,

Your situation is really sad, and I'm sorry to hear your wife doesn't seem willing to work things out with you. I think that the "in love" feeling is fleeting in just about every relationship. One would have to start a new relationship yearly to continue that sense of "in love" satisfaction. I suggest reading ilmw's thread. His wife left him and he has had a long, healing journey since then.

[Guest]

ponderingfar,

 

I don't want to keep hijacking holdingon's thread, but I just want to let you know that since you're not happy, your kids probably sense that. Kids imitate what they see. For me, I guess my situation was worse (abusive husband), so leaving was really the only option I ended up with (I left yesterday). I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't want my kids to grow up to repeat what was being modeled for them. I realized that no marriage modeling was better for them than watching a very very bad marriage play out. The "staying for the kids" argument is crazy. Taking your kids' interests into consideration makes sense, but staying in a marriage void of love and built on a lie is not generally in your kids' best interest. I'm not sure how the exact quote was phrased, but Dr. Phil said something like "kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one."

I can't believe your H tells you that no man would want a woman with 2 kids. ha! Like Mz. Pixie said, there are many nice men who would have no problem being with a woman who has kids.

 

HoldingOn,

Your situation is really sad, and I'm sorry to hear your wife doesn't seem willing to work things out with you. I think that the "in love" feeling is fleeting in just about every relationship. One would have to start a new relationship yearly to continue that sense of "in love" satisfaction. I suggest reading ilmw's thread. His wife left him and he has had a long, healing journey since then.

 

 

thanks moongirl someone finaly talked to me

[ponderingfar]

ponderingfar,

 

I don't want to keep hijacking holdingon's thread, but I just want to let you know that since you're not happy, your kids probably sense that. Kids imitate what they see. For me, I guess my situation was worse (abusive husband), so leaving was really the only option I ended up with (I left yesterday). I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't want my kids to grow up to repeat what was being modeled for them. I realized that no marriage modeling was better for them than watching a very very bad marriage play out. The "staying for the kids" argument is crazy. Taking your kids' interests into consideration makes sense, but staying in a marriage void of love and built on a lie is not generally in your kids' best interest. I'm not sure how the exact quote was phrased, but Dr. Phil said something like "kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one."

I can't believe your H tells you that no man would want a woman with 2 kids. ha! Like Mz. Pixie said, there are many nice men who would have no problem being with a woman who has kids.

 

HoldingOn,

Your situation is really sad, and I'm sorry to hear your wife doesn't seem willing to work things out with you. I think that the "in love" feeling is fleeting in just about every relationship. One would have to start a new relationship yearly to continue that sense of "in love" satisfaction. I suggest reading ilmw's thread. His wife left him and he has had a long, healing journey since then.

 

Hi MoonGirl, thanks for your post, my good friend always tells me that "It is Better to come from a broken family than live in one". I do admire women who gather enough courage to leave. I am not dependent on my husband financially, in fact it is more of the other way around. Separation will give a stigma not only to me but to my children. I still haven't come to terms with the fact also that I would have to tell my kids that we are just his dad's second family. My daughter (eldest) is 4 years old and she would often ask me "why are you upset with daddy? because he doesn't know how to listen?". I know that even while I was concieving them, they have already felt my hatred towards their father, who over and above the deceit doesn't even lift a finger to make meet my needs despite the earlier deceit. He has tarnished not only my reputation but of my family as well, when i got pregnant then finding out in the end we can't have church wedding because of his pending anullment/divorce.

[MoonGirl]

ponderingfar,

 

If you are not dependent on your husband financially, then why do you stay?

 

As for your children, you don't need to explain anything to them right now including the fact that they are your husband's second family. They will only be hurt and may not understand completely. When they are MUCH older and start to ask questions, you can tell them the truth about your feelings. For them, their father is the only father they know and to hear negative things about him is difficult for them. They will make their own opinions about their father in time, and they will likely come to the same conclusion about him as you have.

 

As for you, harboring so much hatred and displaying it in front of your children is far from healthy. Do you go to therapy? If not, I think it would help you out a lot.