Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 Hi Green Eyes, I feel the exact same way you do. I am embarrassed the he showed no respect. I can't even go to his job anymore because he went to the strip joint with one of his employees. I feel like I have the word SUCKER tattoo'd across my forehead. What kind of Counselor are you seeing? How do I go about it? Link to post Share on other sites
green eyes 17 Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I went online and found a therapy group not in my community. I then went......I needed to talk to someone to see if I was doing the right things. I was concerned H was an alcoholic, protecting our assets, protecting the kids etc. After seeing her, she felt that my husband needed to go see someone. It took me a month to tell him that we were going to go and meet with someone. A very helpful thing she told me was, " Right now you have the power. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to ask/request things from him" It was so true. I just started the conversation with "I need to talk to you. I need us to............." Counseling has helped a great deal. SUCKER...I have that on my head too. Everybody knew what a jerk he was being except me..................I don't know who was with him when he did what, what was said etc. I have a hard time going into his office too. It is just hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 I think I'm going to have a hard time trying to get my husband to attend counseling.. Maybe he will attend since he knows how hurt I am. Then again.. I know my husband feels really bad, so hopefully we can get passed this w/o counseling. He is a first time offender. Last night I couldn't sleep I was laying in bed and my husband was sound asleep.. I was staring at him. He looked like a different person to me.. Is that strange? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Going to counciling is great and all but breaking others things when you are angry is crazymaking behavior ....stop that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 I want him to feel the hurt I am... And I feel thats the only way I can. He doesn't understand. He knows what he did was bad but not as bad as I am handling it. If I 'm handling it really bad its because it is.. He can't tell me how I am suppose to feel. Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I do not think you are out of your mind for breaking his stuff... You feel hurt and you want to hurt him. By breaking the things he loves. The logic makes sense...it's not really acceptable nor morally "right" per se, but HEY it works for you! hehehe...I've done that before. I wish only the best for you and hope all our words of encouragement help you when you decide to open up and confront him! Things that work best for me: 1. Remember to use "I" statements... "I feel hurt because..." (instead of YOU did this...) then he will be less defensive 2. Remember that it's a two-way street. Although he was in the wrong, he does have feelings and points too. He probably will want to discuss those too. And maybe it would be good to hear his rationale and feelings about it... 3. TRY and look at the situation OBJECTIVELY for a moment. Taking away some emotion can really help at resolving an issue. Those are basic...but I wanted to offer anything I could! GOOD LUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 No he can't tell you but two wrongs don't make a right. You need to see that. Don't lower yourself to his level. That's not the way to do it. I know you want to hurt him because he hurt you but you will only make things worse. BTW what did you mean he looked different? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 For the past 2 weeks I was unable to look at him in the eyes. I would burst into tears. So last night when I actually looked at him, his face looked different. He looked like a different person. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Is that a good thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 For the past 2 weeks I was unable to look at him in the eyes. I would burst into tears. So last night when I actually looked at him, his face looked different. He looked like a different person. Honey, I think you are really suffering. You feel hurt because your H has lied to you. You feel betrayed that his actions have made you feel so low. I think your self-esteem is very low, you have pregnancy hormones surging around your system and your now living in a house with no communication within those four walls. I feel sorry you feel so down, but from an objective standpoint, I think you are continuing your own misery by not facing your problems upfront. You have been with your H for 19 years. You will know each other inside out. It must be hurting you not talking to him and not communicating. It is probably putting you under undue stress. Not to mention that it's likely your 3 year old senses something (kids always sense these things). Do yourself a favour. Begin to put an end to your misery. Firstly - YOU be the adult. Your H wasn't mature enough to tell you the truth about his whereabouts but that doesn't mean you cant be an adult when dealing with him. Confront him first. Tell him you want to talk about the situation and TALK about it. COMMUNICATE!!! Secondly, GET RID OF THOSE CLOTHES. All they serve is a reminder of his indiscretion to you. They are no more evidence than his guilty face is. Thirdly, try and be objective. Your H has lied to you. Thats something that you need to deal with by communicating with him. He received titillation from a dancer who is paid to do this. Some men do this because other men encourage them. Some men go to lapdance clubs so they can store up images of other women in their head to fuel a fantasy. Some enjoy it. But - he hasn't had an affair. He has looked at a semi-clad or naked woman. That has got to hurt you. But it could have been so much worse. And remember, a lot of lap dance clubs operate a strictly no-touching policy. Lastly, SORT THIS OUT. Make progress, at least by bringing the subject up. Don't perpetuate the situation that is causing you so much grief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 I don't know.. At least I was able to look at him. So I guess so. I ended up talking with my sister in law (my husbands brothers wife). I told her the whole story. Of course she feels I have a right to be upset. She told me that her husband spoke to my husband about the situation because they were concerned since I am pregnant and not handling this well at all. And that my husband doesn't want to talk to me about it because he doesn't want me to get more upset than I am because of my pregnancy. How do i help myself get over it?? How do I learn to trust him again? Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Sure I can understand that and that's probably ONE of the reasons why he lied to you in the beginning. Your already upset. Is there something else he's keeping from you? If you already know the whole story then is talking about it really going to hurt YOU more? Only you can decide that but it might make things better. Talking about it will help and I think you both coming to terms on some things. I mean if you don't want him going then tell him. Don't say he can and then when he does get mad. And yes I know it was only once but sometimes what you say can mean something different to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 From what I know.. there is really nothing else he's keeping from me. I know the whole story. If its the truth, thats another situation. The minute he starts talking to me I start crying and he stops cause he see's how upset I get. I can not help myself. I need to build the strength!! I HAVE TO STOP CRYING! Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I need to build the strength!! I HAVE TO STOP CRYING! Don't really have any advice on how to stop. Only you can do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 HOLY CRAPOLA!!! I can't stop... I know the pregnancy is playing a big part in it. I'm trying to do things to make me feel better.. I go get my hair done, nails, facials etc. I really want to stop! Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 this is who you decided to bed and marry.. Now that you have a child, it's time to deal with it. A lapdance is not a big deal, but it sounds like you aren't fulfilling his needs at home. Women seem to sex it up before marriage and then after they say "I do", they let it all go downhill from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 I'm 7 months pregnant!! I try to "sex it up" but its a little difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I'm 7 months pregnant!! I try to "sex it up" but its a little difficult. Don't I know the feeling . Ha . What are you going to do paint the belly? There are always those who try to aim the mans issues back at the wife . Try to calm down, stop breaking things , and plan for a future for yourself , if your H wants to participate in that he will. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 A lapdance is not a big deal, but it sounds like you aren't fulfilling his needs at home. Um...to some people it is. I really want to stop! I don't know if this will work but here's an idea. Try taking each day at a time. Try talking to him little by little. When you feel you can't talk to him anymore then don't. Work your way up until you can talk to him without crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 Yea, LOL... Some men are really ignorant! In order to be sexy I would have to feel sex and thats pretty hard with a big Bump! As for my crying.. I try to go over in my head how our conversation is going to go and I cry. I feel that once that stops, I will be ready. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Yea, LOL... Some men are really ignorant! In order to be sexy I would have to feel sex and thats pretty hard with a big Bump! As for my crying.. I try to go over in my head how our conversation is going to go and I cry. I feel that once that stops, I will be ready. So you cease sex altogether?? NO WONDER! Try another position! MY LORD! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 ridingthebulls.. What are you talking about?? Have you read this thread completely thru? Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 So you cease sex altogether?? NO WONDER! Try another position! MY LORD! Take no notice Cat, there's no point in justifying the "I'm 7 months pregnant" angle to a man - they just don't get how it might be THEIR responsibility not to run into the nearest lapdance club just because their sexual fulfillment is lacking slightly at home due to a near full term pregnancy! Morons! (That was a very large generalisation, I know, I was directing it at ridingthebulls). As with the crying...why is it so bad to cry? Cant you start by telling your husband that your very upset and will cry but if he could listen whilst you get through the tears...there's nothing wrong with crying, sobbing, screaming - as long as it makes you feel better. Or how bout writing him a letter, putting in it how his indiscretion has made you feel, your worries, your anger and explain that you aren't ready to talk because you feel unable to stop crying? Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Take no notice Cat, there's no point in justifying the "I'm 7 months pregnant" angle to a man No kidding. Guys can't understand what a pregnant women goes thru and it's pointless to even try and explain it. Ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Once I start crying I cannot stop nor get my words out!! I wish I would heal already.. I don't like the way I am. I feel I turned into a terrible person. Link to post Share on other sites
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