Author CATENZA Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 If he told you about the strip joint before you mentioned the perfume, then he told you. NO! I asked him as soon as he walked in, where were u? Said local bar. He took a shower went into bed I asked again where did you go? Said local bar. I said why are you lying, are you going to tell me where you went or do I have to make a phone call and then he said strip joint. That is not telling me. Thats lying to me! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 NO! I asked him as soon as he walked in, where were u? Said local bar. He took a shower went into bed I asked again where did you go? Said local bar. I said why are you lying, are you going to tell me where you went or do I have to make a phone call and then he said strip joint. That is not telling me. Thats lying to me! Yes that is lying. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I just hope that someday you'll talk to him about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 I just hope that someday you'll talk to him about this. I believe he won't be doing it again in the near future but believe me, it may not be today but it will be discussed!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 what the hell does it matter if SHE wants him. the point is that HE wants her enough to want her rubbing her naked body all over him (i never said wants to marry or have a relationship with, so don't give me that BS. He did want to engage in a "sexual" activity with her, because thats what a lap dance is) while his wife is at home pregnant...It's disgusting and disrespectfu. I've posted a few times about my situation with my husband getting a lap dance at a strip club that he didn't tell me about until his friend "slipped" and mentioned it one night. I found out in December and am still extremely upset. The posts I have read describe what I would have though a lap dance is--basically getting dry humped by a naked girl. My husband insists that his $50 lap dance in a semi-private booth involved no touching. Of course, he added, that if there was--there is nothing wrong with it because it is all about intent and he had no intention of having sex of any sort with her. Does this sound right to anyone? I just don't know what to think anymore and if I bring up anything about it he goes ballistic. I can't let go of the feeling that he is hiding something from me whether it is what really happened or whether or not he really has this out of his head. My worst thoughts are that he is still thinking about her when we are having sex. I just turned 48 and I think the stripper he was with was 18--the same age as our daughter. He refuses that the strippers in the club were that young--hello--it was the Barely Legal club. He insists that's BS and that the girls are older and the same as in all the other strip clubs. The fact that they are so young just disgusts me even more. I feel like I should n't let my husband's friends come over in the summer for our pool parties when my daughters are running around with their friends in their little string bikini's--the thought is so sickening. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I believe he won't be doing it again in the near future but believe me, it may not be today but it will be discussed!!! Catenza, Good luck with discussing it with your husband--you should at least try soon! It sounds like he is trying and is sorry. The lying is what I have a big problem with and don't know if I can ever trust him. One of the posts said "men like variety" and whether or not we like it, I think it is true. My husband emphatically told me he loves me and doesn't desire anyone else, blah, blah, blah, and then I just found a new hidden magazine that is current. It's not the magazine I care about--it's that he's hiding it. He's lying to me and to himself. And I had the talk with him telling him that I just don't want him to feel like he needs to hide things from me--I'm not a prude--really! I may be old, but I sowed my wild oats before I got married and am over all the desire to look around. My husband listens to a talk sports radio station in the car--I noticed that a lot of the conversation and advertisements end up being about hot babes doing something, somewhere--I just think men are inundated with gorgeous women and sex in their face all the time. When are you due? Hope you are feeling better. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Marvick, Please look at my posts--similar situation but my husband had the lap dance. Supposedly no touching--he says it's all about "intent". Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I've been divorced for six years from a woman I was married to for over 14 years. As I look back in retrospect, the marriage began to fall apart the night I went, with my wife's full knowlege and permission, to a "gentlemen's club" for a bachlor party. I did not intend to get a lap dance, but one time bowed to peer pressure and got one. I never told her that. The picture of that woman would not get out of my head for a long time. I'm sure it changed my behavior toward my wife. While the divorce was going on, it was never brought up. But when I ask my self honestly when did things start to go down hill, it was that night. It is never OK for a spouse to lie. Your trust was betrayed. You have every right to be hurt. If your husband was still trying to justify himself, things would be worse. At some point, though, you either have to leave him or forgive him. Forgiveness means acknowledging the hurt, and the wrongness and your right to justice and revenge. And then choosing not to take your justice and revenge, even in "little ways". From your description of his behavior, what he is doing to himself is worse than anything you can do to him. He needs you to help him understand your feelings, so when you do forgive him, he understands what a precious gift you are. He sounds like a basically decent guy. Those are rare. --- Thanks for being so brutally honest. That's what I'm trying to figure out is whether or not my husband has "her" out of his head. My husband, like you, went to a club with his friends when they were on a "guy" weekend in New Orleans. I knew they would probably go to a strip club, but honestly, I didn't know what goes on in there--I thought they would just be watching a stage show. My husband was the only one that didn't get a lap dance and he bowed to peer pressure and got one. He didn't tell me about the lap dance, I found out several months later when his friend accidentally mentioned it. When I found out I flipped out--admittedly. A lot of it was because of his initial reaction--that I was just being a bitch and it was no big deal--the other guys wives knew about it and they were okay with it. He can't talk to me about it without getting pissed off and yelling at me that I'm being so ridiculous. I told him I'm sorry, but my feelings were really deeply hurt. I've made several posts on this thread telling my tale--I've been married almost 23 years. I'm having a problem with the forgiving part. I want to let it go, but I've lost the trust. There's several issues with this whole lap dance experience of his that I have a problem with and he gets so mad that we can't talk about it and he just makes me feel more bad that I won't let it go. There is no revenge--that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, I've resorted to little "digs" and that is just causing more arguing. Is he still trying to justify himself? Since you're a guy, I'm wondering how you feel about the difference between a lap dance involving touching or no touching. My husband insists there was no touching between them, but I think the visual tease is just as intense. Assuming he's not lying about the no touching. He did tell me a lot of details ( like how her naked body was about 4 inches from his face) and I'm just torturing myself with the pictures in my head. Of course, my own internet research didn't help. He says it's all about intent and even if there was touching between them he says it would have been okay because there was no intent of having sex--that what goes on in strip clubs so that make is "okay". Somehow, I don't see how him touching another naked woman, or even being with another naked woman (actually a girl--I think she was about 18) in some semi-private booth is not cheating? To me, it's the same as soliciting a sex act from a teenager! And we have two daughters in the same age range--I also have an issue with that. What were they thinking? I sure hope you read this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Since you're a guy, I'm wondering how you feel about the difference between a lap dance involving touching or no touching. My husband insists there was no touching between them, but I think the visual tease is just as intense. Assuming he's not lying about the no touching. He did tell me a lot of details ( like how her naked body was about 4 inches from his face) and I'm just torturing myself with the pictures in my head. Of course, my own internet research didn't help. He says it's all about intent and even if there was touching between them he says it would have been okay because there was no intent of having sex--that what goes on in strip clubs so that make is "okay". Somehow, I don't see how him touching another naked woman, or even being with another naked woman (actually a girl--I think she was about 18) in some semi-private booth is not cheating? To me, it's the same as soliciting a sex act from a teenager! And we have two daughters in the same age range--I also have an issue with that. What were they thinking? I sure hope you read this. At least you can give ur husband the benefit of the doubt and say ok, there was no touching. My husband came home smelling like the perfume. The crouch of his jeans, where his zipper is which i can't understand how the stripper didn't hurt her self on the zipper and his chest area where I am assuming her boobs were. So there was grinding. Do I consider it cheating... I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Most of the strippers are around 18 to 25 aren't they? You know these men aren't going to pay to see old women strip. Yes I would suppose when they go to a strip club it is to gawk at young girls naked bodies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Most of the strippers are around 18 to 25 aren't they? You know these men aren't going to pay to see old women strip. Yes I would suppose when they go to a strip club it is to gawk at young girls naked bodies. Thats depressing... I'm only 28 i'm still considered young but not young enough to be gawked at??? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 A stripper told me the girls in their club are 18-24, but look 18-22. This particular club plays up the youthful image by emphasizing the young look. Young, petite, natural looking girls. The upstairs is made to look like a girls room--like walking into a Hustler "Barely Legal" photo shoot. They have beds that they provide private entertainment on that have Disney Princess sheets on them. You're right, and my husband even said, "of course they're young--who wants to look at 40 year old strippers?". Although he thinks they were 23-27. So what does that say about me? Sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. That's okay--it's reality. I look very young for 48--it just makes me feel bad about how he feels when he looks at me. So while he was semi reclined in what he described as a "booth"--I wonder if everytime we're getting romantic and he's laying back like that, is he reminded of his experience. I could "kill" my friends husband for telling me that when my husband came out he looked like a "deer in headlights". I don't think I've ever gotten that look from him in the 22 years we've been married. So sad that after all these years of being married--it all just gets so boring. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 You're right, and my husband even said, "of course they're young--who wants to look at 40 year old strippers?". Although he thinks they were 23-27. So what does that say about me? Sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. That's okay--it's reality. I look very young for 48--it just makes me feel bad about how he feels when he looks at me. So while he was semi reclined in what he described as a "booth"--I wonder if everytime we're getting romantic and he's laying back like that, is he reminded of his experience. I could "kill" my friends husband for telling me that when my husband came out he looked like a "deer in headlights". I don't think I've ever gotten that look from him in the 22 years we've been married. So sad that after all these years of being married--it all just gets so boring. Nice. Sorry your H has tunnel vision in that area. He probably doesn't exactly look like he's 20 either. Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I'm depressed. and never getting married. Joke-kinda. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Just think about going thru all that while ur pregnant. May husband is in for a rude awakening after I give birth!! Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 At least you can give ur husband the benefit of the doubt and say ok, there was no touching. My husband came home smelling like the perfume. The crouch of his jeans, where his zipper is which i can't understand how the stripper didn't hurt her self on the zipper and his chest area where I am assuming her boobs were. So there was grinding. Do I consider it cheating... I don't know. I think a lot of women consider it some form of "cheating", although I don't think most guys do. Even though my husband says their was no touching, I still think he shouldn't by paying someone naked to privately entertain him. Going back into the booth--he didn't know what he was going to get--so much for his "intent". It's a sex act, regardless. It's all foreplay and sometimes more. FYI: I read an article from a men's magazine about strip club etiquette and the strippers like guys wearing khaki pants because the jeans are rough on their crotch from all the grinding. She probably had perfume on her crotch--sometimes it's inches from their face during their "dance". And her boobs were probably in his face, unless she was really short (like me)! I heard one of the guy "tricks" so they don't leave "tracks" in their shorts for their SO's to find, is to wear a condom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 FYI: I read an article from a men's magazine about strip club etiquette and the strippers like guys wearing khaki pants because the jeans are rough on their crotch from all the grinding. She probably had perfume on her crotch--sometimes it's inches from their face during their "dance". And her boobs were probably in his face, unless she was really short (like me)! I heard one of the guy "tricks" so they don't leave "tracks" in their shorts for their SO's to find, is to wear a condom. Yes, not only do the stripper perfer men don't wear jeans but so do the men. But it just so happens my husband went straight after work and was wearing jeans. Also, i smelled his briefs.. even if he wore a condom, it would smell like it. Thinking about it, the stripper probably put perfume on him on purpose cause after work, I wouldn't even touch my husband. HE STINKS!!! I want to ask him about that night and everything that happened and what possessed him but the tears still run down. I sit there and yell at myself and say BE STRONG! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Good lord - it's been almost a month since you first posted about this - and you still haven't talked it out with him - that makes YOU a bigger part of the problem than you were at the beginning when you first posted. You are acting like a little schoolgirl - you come here and talk to everyone about this instead of talking to the one person you should be talking to about it. I think you don't talk to him cuz then you might have to stop bein hurt/angry/whatever and you won't be able to come here to get your validation that he's a total slime for what he did. He *might* have done wrong - but what you are doin is no better - and you'll kill your marriage by shutting him out way faster than any lapdance on earth could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 LOL.. For me this thread is my therapy!! It really has helped me deal with it. The reason for not talking to him about it yet is because I go thru my head what I want to say and its things I know I will regret!!! Until I can get over being angry with him I will not be able to speak with him. As or threading over a month.. What is wrong with it? People ask me questions and I answer. You don't like it, don't read it! Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Well guess you don't want to solve it....... so vent and rant on. It is quite true that your marriage will fail if you continue to refuse to confront your H with issues. This puts him into the position of being a mind reader and your resentment will just build when he fails to read your mind. This opinion is not because this issue has been posted about for a month, it is because hiding from your H will not make things better in your marriage. If you believe you cannot verbally confront this, write a note to him. It is a shame you cannot share your feelings with your H. So far you have made so many statements about resenting him for a variety of reasons.... he is probably walking around clueless that all these problems exist. So if he is not aware of issues then he is not to blame if his behavior continues. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Until I can get over being angry with him I will not be able to speak with him That's not a good thing to do. How about what other's suggested and write him a note? Sure you shouldn't be ranting to him like some psycho but unless you talk about things, it will not get solved as I'm sure you know. What are you going to do everytime he does something you don't like? Ignore him for months? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 What are you going to do everytime he does something you don't like? Ignore him for months? The situation wasn't totally ignored. He knew i was PISSED that night it happened because I yelled and cried. Then a few nights later I snapped and he knew how HURT i was over it because he apologized by saying "I'm sorry I hurt you". I am not totally ignoring him, just what he did to me changed my outlook and attitude and I am handling things differently. In a way I find it pointless to bring up the situation because there is absolutely nothing he can do to make me feel better. NOTHING! All he can do is apologies again and its really not going to make me forgive him. Like I said, it has changed my attitude and outlook on things and now I know what I have to do to make myself get over this! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Like I said, it has changed my attitude and outlook on things and now I know what I have to do to make myself get over this! And what's that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 And what's that? Just little things here and there to make me feel better. Its so horrible, not a day goes by that I don't think about it! Well I need to start thinking about myself! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Since you can't forgive him, are you leaving him or are you just forgetting about it and moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
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