Pregnant And Husband Gets Lapdance

[CATENZA]

Since you can't forgive him, are you leaving him or are you just forgetting about it and moving on?

 

As of right now, i am not leaving him. Believe me, I will NOT be forgetting about it! You can sort of say, moving on in a NEW way!

[IpAncA]

As of right now, i am not leaving him. Believe me, I will NOT be forgetting about it! You can sort of say, moving on in a NEW way!

 

Something doesn't seem right because if he wouldn't have lied about it then I'm taking it that things would have been fine and this thead would not exsist.

 

Seems to me like others have suggested that there is more going on and with this recent event you just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Don't know how right I am but this one event like this shouldn't keep you from talking about it. I just hope that you 2 don't shut the communication lines every time something happends. That can do negative things to a marriage.

[Asafan]

OMG. You are being such a whiny little girl. Jesus. The guy made a mistake. Talk to him and get over it already. Stop dragging it out.

 

Maybe he did it in the first place because he had been dealing with your pregnancy hormones and not having any fun, and probably no sex either! Maybe he just went out to let off some steam and it got a little out of hand. I haven't heard anything that suggests his point of view at all or tells us what HE had been going through during your pregnancy and the time leading up to this.

 

All I have been hearing is how hurt and upset you are. Whaaaaa Whaaaa Whaaaa. Poor me. I'm pregnant and hurt. BOO HOO! Grow up already and talk to your husband.

[CATENZA]

Something doesn't seem right because if he wouldn't have lied about it then I'm taking it that things would have been fine and this thead would not exsist.

 

Seems to me like others have suggested that there is more going on and with this recent event you just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Don't know how right I am but this one event like this shouldn't keep you from talking about it. I just hope that you 2 don't shut the communication lines every time something happends. That can do negative things to a marriage.

 

YES, its not just that but the money situation too as I have previously mentioned.

[rainfall]

OMG. You are being such a whiny little girl. Jesus. The guy made a mistake. Talk to him and get over it already. Stop dragging it out.

 

Maybe he did it in the first place because he had been dealing with your pregnancy hormones and not having any fun, and probably no sex either! Maybe he just went out to let off some steam and it got a little out of hand. I haven't heard anything that suggests his point of view at all or tells us what HE had been going through during your pregnancy and the time leading up to this.

 

All I have been hearing is how hurt and upset you are. Whaaaaa Whaaaa Whaaaa. Poor me. I'm pregnant and hurt. BOO HOO! Grow up already and talk to your husband.

 

Wow you are so sweet. Why can't all guys be as great as you.

[Rhyla]

Maybe he did it in the first place because he had been dealing with your pregnancy hormones and not having any fun, and probably no sex either! Maybe he just went out to let off some steam and it got a little out of hand. I haven't heard anything that suggests his point of view at all or tells us what HE had been going through during your pregnancy and the time leading up to this.

 

It's still not an excuse. nor does it make it ok. So, am I allowed to do anything I want and lie about it if I'm upset with my bf and not getting any? I don't think so. Jesus, use some logic here.

[IpAncA]

YES, its not just that but the money situation too as I have previously mentioned.

Why don't you guys to MC then?

[Guest]

you mean like giving him the cold shoulder?

and breaking his treasured possessions?

 

you truly are a spiteful vindictive woman - you have no interest in fixing this or making your marriage better - just in making him pay for this for the rest of his life

 

let me tell ya- he'll put up with it for awhile - and then he WILL leave - as well he should

 

 

Just little things here and there to make me feel better.

 

Its so horrible, not a day goes by that I don't think about it! Well I need to start thinking about myself!

[littlepiggy1]

As of right now, i am not leaving him. Believe me, I will NOT be forgetting about it! You can sort of say, moving on in a NEW way!

 

Hurrah for disfunctional relationships.

[enoughisenough]

Although he thinks they were 23-27. So what does that say about me?

 

 

It doesn't say anything about you. What does it say about HIM? I'm sorry, but a person doesn't just easily mistake an 18 year old for a 27 year old. He didn't want to look bad or feel like a pedophile-type of person or look more perverted than he already felt... so he said they were older than they were.

[LakesideDream]

I have been reading this thread for weeks. It is really sickening. First let me say that this guy is an arsehole. The idea of having a skank rub all over me with a seven month pregnant wife at home turns my stomach. It shows a total lack of judgement, cooth, and maturity.

 

That being said, are you really ready to end your marriage over it? That's what is appears is happening. I hope you realize your husband will remember the things you are doing (destroying items, freezing him out) just as long as you will remember the lap dance. Your actions are equally immature.

 

Think this one through. Do you REALLY want to be a single parent, then a parent in a "blended" family if you are lucky? What would your children prefer if they were able to express themselves?

 

IMO you two NEED couples counciling, parenting classes, and some ground rules you are prepared to live by.

 

The other option is more children living in broken homes. Shame on him... and shame on you too.

[Rhyla]

Think this one through. Do you REALLY want to be a single parent, then a parent in a "blended" family if you are lucky? What would your children prefer if they were able to express themselves?

 

It is not divorce that is harmful to children, it is the conflict that goes along with it. It is far more healthy for children to be in a family that divroces and avoids the conflict, than to stay in one that stays together for them and the conflict continues. There is a plethora of research on the topic, and any marriage counsellor worth their **** would advise as such.

[LakesideDream]

It is not divorce that is harmful to children, it is the conflict that goes along with it. It is far more healthy for children to be in a family that divroces and avoids the conflict, than to stay in one that stays together for them and the conflict continues. There is a plethora of research on the topic, and any marriage counsellor worth their **** would advise as such.

 

 

That's an opinion, which is fairly common, and generally incorrect. Without a doubt conflict is bad for children. Statistic's are clear however. Children perform at a much higher level when living in an intact original family.

 

Rhetoric to the contrary is a result of the "empowerment" culture. It is a part of the overall justification used for the ease with which relationships can be dissolved today. Walk away husbands and wives are thinking of themselves first, and often in exclusion.

 

A whole economy, and bureaucracy has sprung up to serve "single parent" homes and children. Illiteracy is at the highest point in modern history, juvenile crime also at it's highest point. Violent crime by juveniles has reached a level that has caused society to begin treating them as adults in criminal cases (which is abhorrent), and one needs only to look at the current rash of female gang/clique violence to know something is terribly wrong.

 

The freedom to "choose" in relationships has come at a very high price.

[VirtualInsanity]

Catenza,

 

Taking matters into your own hands is NOT the way to do it. And this whole going in a different direction and him having a wake up call once the baby comes is also not the way to go.

 

The only thing that I can suggest is marriage counseling.

[Asafan]

It's still not an excuse. nor does it make it ok. So, am I allowed to do anything I want and lie about it if I'm upset with my bf and not getting any? I don't think so. Jesus, use some logic here.

 

Logic? With this chick? Have you been reading this thread? If there were any logic involved she would stop acting like a whiny schoolgirl and and grow up a little bit. That's all I'm trying to say. I didn't post what I posted to be cruel. I did it to kick her in the a** and try and make her think.

 

Yes, her husband getting a lap dance while she is pregnant was not a smart thing, obviously. But her reaction to it and giving him the cold shoulder for going on two months now is childish and immature to say the least. Which is worse, a momentary lapse in judgement or a two month long "poor me fest". Give me a break!

[Rhyla]

That's an opinion, which is fairly common, and generally incorrect. Without a doubt conflict is bad for children. Statistic's are clear however. Children perform at a much higher level when living in an intact original family.

 

Rhetoric to the contrary is a result of the "empowerment" culture. It is a part of the overall justification used for the ease with which relationships can be dissolved today. Walk away husbands and wives are thinking of themselves first, and often in exclusion.

 

A whole economy, and bureaucracy has sprung up to serve "single parent" homes and children. Illiteracy is at the highest point in modern history, juvenile crime also at it's highest point. Violent crime by juveniles has reached a level that has caused society to begin treating them as adults in criminal cases (which is abhorrent), and one needs only to look at the current rash of female gang/clique violence to know something is terribly wrong.

 

The freedom to "choose" in relationships has come at a very high price.

 

 

Actually, statistics are clear. Children perform better in divorced families WITHOUT conflict than in intact families WITH conflict. There is now long standing research showing it is not the divorce that is harmful, it is the conflict. It USED to be believed that it was the divorce itself that was harmful, that was until the effects of the surrounding conflict were statistically controlled for.

 

For example, "The perceived destructiveness of conflict between the parents of one of four facets of interparental conflict in this study functioned as a central mediator of the statistically significant group differences." (Behavioral and emotional differences between children of divorce and children from intact families: Clinical significance and mediating processes. - Andreas Schick)

[taylor]

Just a couple thoughts...

 

I hate that expression "men will be men." Does that mean a man doesn't have to (and we shouldn't expect him to) demonstrate respect, honesty or integrity because well...he's a man?

 

Men have brains and they are quite capable of making rational decisions that reflect their moral character.

 

When I guy CHOOSES to do something that demonstrates his lack of character, why say "Men will be men." That's just an excuse. Why not just call it like it is: "There's a man with no character."

 

******

 

OP, you seem stuck. You don't seem to want to take steps to resolve this issue with your husband. Perhaps it's because you know if you and he are going to resolve this issue (reconcile it) you will have to forgive him. And you just can't do it.

 

I really don't think you want to see your marriage end, either. I'm not married, and I'm only 22, but I know respect, trust and forgiveness are paramount in any healthy relationship. Being able to give and receive those three things challenges every relationship from time to time. They can be deal-breakers if you let them.

 

I'm not in your shoes, so I won't try to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Maybe take some time and really search your heart and figure out what the most important things are in your life. Think about what you want your life to look like in 3 or 5 or 10 years and whether you want your husband by your side or not. In the end, that's all that really matters.

 

*****

 

 

There's been a lot of debate on this thread about whether the real issue is the lap dance or the lying. I don't think either one can be dismissed. Why?

 

I don't think the OP would have been nearly as upset with her husband if his activities and whereabouts that night were not sexual in nature. Just think how different this thread would be if the OP posted, "I'm angry at my husband because he lied to me. He said he was going to visit his mother and instead he went to a ballgame with his friend."

 

There has also been alot of discussion about whether the OP had a right to be upset by her husband's behavior.

 

It just makes me wonder how the OP's husband would feel if his wife (AFTER she has the baby, of course) went to a club with a bunch of her girlfriends and paid some guy there to get naked and grind himself on her while she sat in a chair.

 

How would that mental image make him feel?

 

Would he not question her desire to be entertained sexually by a strange man and her willingness to pay for it?

 

Would he be upset or would he just say..girls will be girls..... She deserves to have a little fun?

 

Would he feel comforted if she said, "Honey, don't be silly. I didn't have any intention of having sex with him" or "All the other girls were doing it so I did it, too."

 

How would he feel if he knew this was the 10th time she let a man grind on her? Would he consider each one a momentary lapse in judgement?

 

How would he feel if he smelled men's cologne in the crotch of her jeans or on the front of her shirt?

 

Would he be able to forgive and forget?

[CATENZA]

Just a couple thoughts...

 

OP, you seem stuck. You don't seem to want to take steps to resolve this issue with your husband. Perhaps it's because you know if you and he are going to resolve this issue (reconcile it) you will have to forgive him. And you just can't do it.

 

 

There's been a lot of debate on this thread about whether the real issue is the lap dance or the lying. I don't think either one can be dismissed. Why?

 

 

There has also been alot of discussion about whether the OP had a right to be upset by her husband's behavior.

 

It just makes me wonder how the OP's husband would feel if his wife (AFTER she has the baby, of course) went to a club with a bunch of her girlfriends and paid some guy there to get naked and grind himself on her while she sat in a chair.

 

How would that mental image make him feel?

 

Would he not question her desire to be entertained sexually by a strange man and her willingness to pay for it?

 

Would he be upset or would he just say..girls will be girls..... She deserves to have a little fun?

 

Would he feel comforted if she said, "Honey, don't be silly. I didn't have any intention of having sex with him" or "All the other girls were doing it so I did it, too."

 

How would he feel if he knew this was the 10th time she let a man grind on her? Would he consider each one a momentary lapse in judgement?

 

How would he feel if he smelled men's cologne in the crotch of her jeans or on the front of her shirt?

 

Would he be able to forgive and forget?

 

Yes, I am stuck... I don't think I have it in me to forgive him at the moment. Tears still fall when I think about how I felt that night. SC or no SC, having your husband come home smelling like womens perfume is just not right. Especially when he kept saying he was at the local bar. Do you know how much ran thru my head while he was taking a shower. In a way I was praying that his pants smelled like perfume. When it comes down to it I rather my husband in a SC instead of having an actual affair.

 

The lying hurts! Everyone says he lied to avoid the conflict. It doesn't matter what he lied about it just matters that he lied. Maybe it is a little worse cause he lied about the SC i don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure it all out but it makes me wonder how many times has he lied to me about this!!??!! That night he told me it was the first time he ever did it. How can I believe him after he attempted to lie to me in the first place.

 

As for how my husband would feel, He is very jealous!!! When we use to go to bars and clubs together, god forbid another guy would try to talk to me or something, all hell would break loose. I've been to a male SC before for bachlorette parties and he wasn't to fond of it, he would be spiteful and go out the night before. Never held me back BUT I NEVER BROUGHT HOME ANY EVIDENCE!! I don't want to be spiteful but I would like to do to him what he did to me and see how he would feel! I know this might sound spiteful, mean whatever BUT the only way I feel I can forgive is by him feeling the hurt I felt.

[taylor]

Catenza,

 

I hope that you will be able to resolve this issue one way or the other before the baby is born. You and your husband will be cheating yourselves if you let this issue put a damper on what should be a joy-filled occassion for both of you.

 

Another thought...

 

They say two wrongs don't make a right.

 

But

 

They also say what's good for the gander is good for the goose.

 

And, they also say if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

 

He had his fun. Maybe it's time you stop crying and go have some fun, too.

 

Dry the tears, log off the LS website, get dressed up, gather up your girlfriends and head to the nearest club for a sexy lap dance or two with a young naked hottie. Live it up.

 

And encourage your husband to go out, too. In fact, why don't you hand him $20 and tell him to enjoy himself. Give him a wink and a smile and tell him the first lap dance is on you.

 

It may go a long way to help you change your attitude and stop feeling like a "victim."

 

It may help you let go of some of the hurt and anger you're harboring.

 

It may empower you.

 

It may put the whole lap dance issue in a new and different perspective for him and for you.

 

At the very least it will level the playing field.

 

You'll each have something to forgive the other for.

 

You will each have issues of jealousy, anger, and trust to deal with.

 

Maybe then you'll both be able to sit down and start that long overdue conversation.

[CATENZA]

He had his fun. Maybe it's time you stop crying and go have some fun, too.

 

Dry the tears, log off the LS website, get dressed up, gather up your girlfriends and head to the nearest club for a sexy lap dance or two with a young naked hottie. Live it up.

 

And encourage your husband to go out, too. In fact, why don't you hand him $20 and tell him to enjoy himself. Give him a wink and a smile and tell him the first lap dance is on you.

 

It may go a long way to help you change your attitude and stop feeling like a "victim."

 

It may help you let go of some of the hurt and anger you're harboring.

 

It may empower you.

 

It may put the whole lap dance issue in a new and different perspective for him and for you.

 

At the very least it will level the playing field.

 

You'll each have something to forgive the other for.

 

You will each have issues of jealousy, anger, and trust to deal with.

 

Maybe then you'll both be able to sit down and start that long overdue conversation.

 

I WILL have my fun once this baby is born and I bounce back into shape!! Before I got pregnant mt friends use to call me to go out and I never did!! I REGRET IT!! I deserve to have fun too!! I've played the good housewife for to long and it got me no where!!!

 

My husband goes out, he needs no encouragement. Before all this happened, he went out with his pals twice a week for drinks at the local bar. I didn't mind. (if thats where he really was). Since that night he attended the SC and LIED, he hasn't been out. Comes straight home from work. I never told him he had too but I guess he feels its making it up to me??

 

I also feel like my husband took advantage of me!! He knows I'm pregnant and really can't go out and drink or have any fun. I guess that is why I feel like I need him to hurt the way I did for me to get over it??

 

I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT!

[VinaAmez]

Revenge isn't the way to handle this situation. You want to be the bigger person in all of this.

[americat]

So you are worried he lied thinking he must be hiding or covering up something? How often has he been going to the strip club? I mean you caught him the ONE time he went? I bet it has happened before. Talked to him about it yet?

 

What makes you think you will have much time for fun after your baby is born?

 

The communication in your household seems closed- how do you expect things to get better when you are contemplating revenge over one lap dance that he lied about (and you were quite alright with him getting lap dances in the past)?

[CATENZA]

So you are worried he lied thinking he must be hiding or covering up something? How often has he been going to the strip club? I mean you caught him the ONE time he went? I bet it has happened before. Talked to him about it yet?

 

What makes you think you will have much time for fun after your baby is born?

 

The communication in your household seems closed- how do you expect things to get better when you are contemplating revenge over one lap dance that he lied about (and you were quite alright with him getting lap dances in the past)?

 

I am assuming he lied to avoid confrontation. He told me it was his first time he ever did that.. meaning other than a bachlor party and in our 4 years of marriage. Who knows how true it is... I caught him cause of the perfume and was able to confront him about it with hard evidence. If he didn't smell like it I would of never known. Who knows how many times he's gone and I never knew because of no smell.

 

After my baby is born I am going to make time for myself!! I DESERVE IT! Not cause of what my husband did, but just because.

 

The revenge is not cause of the lap dances. It wasn;t one it was a few acording to him.

[IpAncA]

If you can't trust him to tell you it was the first time, then how can you stay with him?

[PinkShorts]

How does she even know this was at a strip club? For all we know, there could have been another woman involved. To have enough perfume to actually soak into his clothes like that, she must have been on top of him for a while.

 

I thought there was supposed to be a "No Touch" policy? I guess the lady stripper can touch him anywhere on his body with her ass and cleavage though, huh?

What does she do? Spray perfume all over her ass and breasts? I guess it helps covering up the stench.