Krytellan Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 All I have to say is that I hope this was all worth it for him.. I hope he really enjoyed his lapdances! What I hope you realize too is that when this is all over... months from now... and the dust has settled, I hope it will have been worth it to you to react this way. There are going to be many consequences to the way you have handled this (regardless of what your H did). I hope the way you handled this is worth the result. You need help. You need to account for yourself and for your reaction. We can't account for others, only ourselves. Until you account for yourself, you will not be well. Please get yourself together and get help. Asking "why" over and over again accomplishes nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 What I don't understand is why would he lie about going to the strip club when he knows I had approved of it before??? It makes me think he did something wrong, WHY LIE? I feel like he took advantage of my trust for him. I trust him enough to go out for drinks, smoke his joints, attend a strip joint. WHY WOULD HE LIE? I'll tell you why he lied: because he feared a negative reaction. People lie to avoid conflict. He probably felt (and rightly so) that visiting a stripclub without your a-prior approval while you were 7 months pregnant wasn't the greatest of ideas. So he lied. The result of this is a pretty big conflict. You're on 3 weeks now, no real communication, crying, breaking things... IOW, his fears have come true. So there you have it. Now, can you get past that, get help and start to resolve this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 I don't see how I am going to suffer the consequences of my actions.. What suffering will there be?? We are on 3 weeks with slight communication, no crying since V-day and I haven't broken anything in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
che_jesse Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 All I have to say is that I hope this was all worth it for him.. I hope he really enjoyed his lapdances! Cat, you are no longer haveing a normal domestic argument with your husband, you are damageing this relationship beyond repair. You need to get yourself in check right now. What is more inportant to you, showing him that your pissed (I think you have made your point by the way) or saveing your marriage? People choose what to tell you and not tell you based on you reactions to other things they have told you. Probably that same day or a day beforehand you made some stupid comment showing something that he saw as inscurity about trust in the relationship, he then decided that telling you about the strip club would not be the best thing. You are breaking your marriage apart. And before you say "No! No I'm not! He decided to break it apart when he LIED!" You are wrong, mature adults can handle problems. Right now this is more your problem then it is his. Hes not going to console you or whatever you want until you come to him, he has tired and you have pushed him away. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I don't see how I am going to suffer the consequences of my actions.. What suffering will there be?? Well the married could end if things got really bad. Has he tried talking to you about this yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 Hi Vina! My Marriage isn't going to end unless I make it end. Meaning I walk out. He talks to me but not about the incident because he knows how upset I get with the crying and all and doesn't want to do that to me. He is worried because I am pregnant. I also know that he feels really terrible for what he did and hurting me cause he has told me. People on here are telling me he's going to leaving because I broke his bow..GIVE ME A BREAK!! If he was really pissed about it, he would of told me but instead I think he either fixed it or got another.. I've come to relize that some people giving "advice" 1. aren't married, 2. never been in a similar situation and 3. never pregnant. As they say, Time heals Pain! Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Hi Vina! My Marriage isn't going to end unless I make it end. Meaning I walk out. He talks to me but not about the incident because he knows how upset I get with the crying and all and doesn't want to do that to me. He is worried because I am pregnant. I also know that he feels really terrible for what he did and hurting me cause he has told me. People on here are telling me he's going to leaving because I broke his bow..GIVE ME A BREAK!! If he was really pissed about it, he would of told me but instead I think he either fixed it or got another.. I've come to relize that some people giving "advice" 1. aren't married, 2. never been in a similar situation and 3. never pregnant. As they say, Time heals Pain! Yeah that would be a dumb reason. I've been in many fights before myself and yes eventually they go away. There is some that I've never talked about and the next day or so things were fine. Don't know how it happends but it just does. Myself I can't understand why some would leave but some people like to take the easy way out instead of dealing with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 I know that this is a situation that needs to be discussed! I won't let it go, it has to be dealt with. This was the worst ever for me. Not so much with the anger but the Hurt and although he knows he hurt me, I need for him to hear it come out of my mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Well yeah this shouldn't go untalked about. I wonder if he will want to discuss it after the baby comes. I've been wondering about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 The new baby is going to make us forget about everything.. I prefer to deal with it and get over it before hand. I am scared of getting that post pardem depression. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 The new baby is going to make us forget about everything.. I prefer to deal with it and get over it before hand. I am scared of getting that post pardem depression. Well then, get a move on. Link to post Share on other sites
che_jesse Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I know that this is a situation that needs to be discussed! I won't let it go, it has to be dealt with. This was the worst ever for me. Not so much with the anger but the Hurt and although he knows he hurt me, I need for him to hear it come out of my mouth. So go discuss it with him instead of complaining about how much it needs to be discussed. The only thing standing in the way of resolving this is YOU. He has tried, hes not going to try again unless you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I didn't read all the replies so forgive me if I'm repeating. You've already caught him in one lie. That's the only place you smelled the prefume? Having seen plenty of lap dances you would think it would be lingering everywhere or nowhere. I would do whatever I had to do to verify his story. Something doesn't seem to be adding up. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I'll tell you why he lied: because he feared a negative reaction. People lie to avoid conflict. He probably felt (and rightly so) that visiting a stripclub without your a-prior approval while you were 7 months pregnant wasn't the greatest of ideas. So he lied. The result of this is a pretty big conflict. You're on 3 weeks now, no real communication, crying, breaking things... IOW, his fears have come true. So there you have it. Now, can you get past that, get help and start to resolve this? Catenza, I agree with this entry. I think that is why my husband didn't mention the lap dance. Not only would it have been awkward to bring up, but he knew I'd get upset, etc. and so he just "forgot" to mention it--to avoid confrontation. It's an example of an adult denying responsibility for their actions. You still sound pretty mad and I think you are really frustrated. A lot of the reason I was and am still upset (the deception aside), is that I feet like he just doesn't understand how I feel and since he never wants to talk about it, I feel misunderstood. He's pretty good at turning everything around and somehow making it my fault. Not this time--I wasn't the one who I think breached the moral bounds of our marriage. And out of this anger I think we feel a need to do something to get back at them--even the score. You broke stuff. My friend told me go to a strip club--not interested. Then she told me to go shopping a blow some money--again, not interested. Those things won't cure the situation. I resigned myself to thinking there isn't anything I can do. Like you, I'm tired of being the good little wife--and this is what we get in return? My husband admits that it wasn't worth it--he'll never go again. Let's see if he can hold up to the "peer" pressure next time he goes on a trip with the guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 As they say, out of sight out of Mind!! when hes not home I'm okee... When he is home, I just want to cry cause I get so pissed. He doesn't do anything to piss me off but him being infront of me brings me back to day 1 of our fighting! Cause hes home today, Right now I just really hate him! Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Catenza, You two need to talk. It's hard because guys never seem to like to talk. You're so fragile right now and even though it's hard to get things started--even if you cry--just do it. Or, the letter option. Maybe you have time now because he's out. Actually, that's when I did the letter--I just couldn't talk to him without crying--I couldn't look him in the eyes. I think you'll feel like at least he really knows exactly how you feel and maybe you'll have it off your chest. Being pregnant isn't easy and your baby is coming soon. You two should come to "terms" soon. You need your husband--you two have been together for a long time. After all this happened with my husband, I told him I would have left him if I didn't think all the years we spent together didn't mean anything. He made a bad decision and didn't realize that I felt his actions showed me how little he respected me and our relationship. Hopefully, he understands that now. Men do think differently about these things. I'm shocked at how my husband reacted to my reaction and his explanation about how he views the whole thing. I still don't agree with his attitude, but since it's never supposed to happen again, it shouldn't be an issue. I'm so emotionally exhausted over this that I am just keeping it to myself. What's done is done and it can't be taken back. Whether or not he fantasizes about that night and that girl--what can you do? You can't change what's in someones head. And that's something they'd never admit to. Even after 20+ years there are still things that can surprise you about someone you think you know. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Catenza, You two need to talk. It's hard because guys never seem to like to talk. You're so fragile right now and even though it's hard to get things started--even if you cry--just do it. Or, the letter option. Maybe you have time now because he's out. Actually, that's when I did the letter--I just couldn't talk to him without crying--I couldn't look him in the eyes. I think you'll feel like at least he really knows exactly how you feel and maybe you'll have it off your chest. Being pregnant isn't easy and your baby is coming soon. You two should come to "terms" soon. You need your husband--you two have been together for a long time. Yep I agree. You two need to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 You know.. today he's been home all day and is doing everything. From dishes to giving our daughter a bath to picking up her toys and now he just went food shopping. He's making me relax which is great and needed considering I am almost due but its still not solving our issue..I'm physically relaxed but not mentally. I just want it to go away.. the whole incident. Even after we discuss it, it will still be in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Even after we discuss it, it will still be in my head. At least it won't be all bottled up inside. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I think ridingthebulls needs to get Laid!! LOL... Anyway, Miss Jane, I did the internet research too and it drove me crazy too... I live in New York, so i'm not sure what the laws are for strip joints. The thought of my husband going into a private booth or VIP lounge area, in other words anything private, IT DRIVES ME NUTS! I kept trying to figure out exactly what happened by the smell of his clothes. The crotch of his Jeans smelled like perfume, the outer part not the inside or his briefs and his sweater, mostly the chest area. I guess she was straddling him and her breast were against his chest?? No, I think your HUSBAND needs to get laid!!! Hence getting lapdances and staying out all night from your psychotic butt! It's no wonder he runs out and comes back in the morning- your attitude- you sound really nuts and restitive! I don't understand you. If it was about the lying, then why are you going so into detail in trying to figure out HOW exactly she gave your husband a lapdance and what parts of her body were on him? Do all the other lapdances (or women throwing their breasts in his face) in the past not matter cause he didn't lie? Lying was the ONLY problem.. your above quote SCREAMS different! I guess you don't trust him enough to ask or even try to discuss the problem with him like an adult without going crazy or tearing apart his possessions.. If ANY man wanted to get laid, let me tell you one thing, they would refrain from marrying your crazy as$! Much less, if they wanted to keep their property intact! Boy I'd love to hear HIS side cause I'm sure he'd have a LOT to say! Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 People on here are telling me he's going to leaving because I broke his bow..GIVE ME A BREAK!! Uh, i dont think I've read one post on here stating that he would leave you for the sole reason of destroying a bow... your exaggeration to such an extreme leads me to believe your hubby isn't the only liar in the house! You sound like a lying lunatic though. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 the crotch of his pants and only the crotch smelled like the whores perfume Since when is every stripper a whore? And what does that make your husband or you if thats the case? So when your husband ISN'T lying, all of a sudden that stripper isn't a whore and everything is just dandy when a woman throws her breasts in his face? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Riding the bulls, Don't you think you're getting a bit harsh! Catanza has been deeply hurt. Not everyone knows how to handle what they feel--thus, this forum. I found this because I was looking for answers. You sound like you lack any compassion for her situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 I don't know why he keeps coming back to post. I guess he feeds off of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Jane Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 So Catenza, How are you today? Any progress yesterday? I hope it all works out for you. When my kids were little I remember how overwhelmed I felt sometimes, your pregnancy to add to this and dealing with your feelings must be really tough. A new baby won't make "things" better--it's between you and your husband. Even with kids you have to remember to take care of yourself. I feel like I blinked and woke up 20 years later and my youth is gone. Sorry to sound so depressing, but that's where my head is today. Link to post Share on other sites
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