He opened up to me more...

[Ally Boo]

I really need someone to talk about this to. I'd appreciate any feedback, especially from Tony...

 

Here it goes...

 

Saturday night, my boyfriend told me he wasn't coming home. He was going to stay at his house bc it has been 11 years since his Grandfather's death. He wanted to be home with his Grandmother. I don't know if that's actually where he went...and I don't care, I just told him to do what he needed to do and I'd be here for him whenever.

 

Well, Sunday morning he came home at about 11. I had still been sleeping, but knew he was coming home bc he called, and he got in bed with me. I could tell he was upset...he was all curled up...normally he's all holding me and stuff. So, I moved by him and started holding him. That's when I realized he was crying.

 

Just to give you some background...his grandfather was pretty much his father. He HAS a father, but his father cares more about going to a bar, than taking care of his son...and it's always been like that. Actually, it's probably safe to say that his Grandmother and Grandfather both pretty much solely raised him.

 

Well, 11 years ago (on a Saturday), he passed away suddenly. He told me about how his Grandfather worked at the movie theater, and he would always go with him on Saturdays...and the one Saturday he didn't go, his grandfather collapsed and died later in the hospital. He told me how he saw the hurt in his grandfather's eyes when he told him he didn't want to go. He said "The ONE time I didn't go...this happened." He told me about what happened at the hospital...at the funeral...how he felt, how they took his grandfather off the machines, and even as he was lying there cold, he wouldn't leave the room...he wouldn't stop holding his hand. How the funeral home was waiting for them to leave so they can bury him...but he wouldn't leave and watched til they shoveled the last pile of dirt on top. It was so sad, I was crying...bc I have the same issues with death...and losing MY Grandfather when I was young.

 

Anyway, he told me that this Saturday, was the first anniversary that it's actually landed on the DAY it happened. And that they buried him on Tuesday, and that he'd be weird the next few days. Well, then he told me...."You know how you always ask me why I can't commit, and I always tell you that I dont' know?" I said "yeah" He said, "Well, this is why...bc I never want to go through losing someone like this ever again."

 

Suddenly it all made sense...why he pushes his family away...his Grandmother included...Last year at this time, he pushed me away, and we weren't even as serious as we are now, the day before Christmas last year, he broke up with me...he just gets totally different when these things happen. And I understand why. He even asked me not to give him any s**t these next few days, and I totally understand.

 

I just don't know what to do. I can't heal him obviously. I've talked to him before about going to counseling, and he's said that it's something he needs to do. But actually GETTING him there is another story.

 

I guess what I'm asking is...what do I do? How do I deal with this? I'm afraid of commitment for the same reason. Only thing is, we don't make trips out to the cemetary on Holidays...I don't think about the days that they died... I guess it's just harder bc his grandmother talks about him EVERY single day. And actually smothers my bf bc he looks so much like his grandfather. Anyway, I don't know what to do or think or how to act. I'm glad he talked to me about this...

 

I don't think that this means he doesn't want to be with me...I actually think it's quite the opposite.

[Tony T]

You may both have fear of abandonment issues and those are very hard to deal with. Some people take their entire lives...and even die fearing to love others completely because they may die or otherwise abandon them.

 

The only thing I can suggest is therapy, for both of you. This must be done by an extremely competent therapist of great reputation...not all are equal to the task. And both of you must do the same amount of work.

 

The older we are, the more able we are to handle the death of others around us. But when those losses occur at younger ages, the trauma is great and the adults around don't fully understand the depth of the impact. The trauma of the loss stays with the person forever.

 

Death is as much a part of life as light is a part of darkness. It comes to all of us...every single one of us no matter now rich or how poor, how good looking or how ugly, how smart or how ignorant, etc. Everyone of us, at sometime, will die.

 

While facing the loss of a loved one is extremely difficult, a healthy adult will handle the loss in a rational, appropriate way...with a proper grieving period and the realization that life goes on in exactly the way it was designed.

 

If we allow the reality of life and death to overpower us, we completely disallow ourselves life's greatest component...the giving and receiving of love...and we may as well shrivel up and die ourselves.

 

If we are going to pay tribute to the beloved relatives who passed before us who longed for our happiness, we must go beyond their loss and move on with enjoying the only life we will ever have.

 

If we want to curse of deceased loved ones, spit on their graves and dance the dance of evil, we will keep their spirits at unease by letting their loss overpower us and destroy our lives and loves...something they worked so hard to keep from happening.

 

Your boyfriend's grandfather would kick him in the royal ass if he came back from the dead right now and saw how his grandson was screwing up his life and relationships because of his grandfather's death. I'ts a blasted insult to his grandfather.

 

And you better turn loose of your grandfather as well. Hey, he has a right to die...and biological obligation to do so. Sure, some sadness is appropriate. But he would be mad as hell to come back and see you stuck on the thoughts of his death rather than celebrating that you got to spend some golden time with him while he was alive.

 

Death is the deadline we all face in order to make our lives meaningful. If we lived forever, we would fuxk off and not bother with things because we would have infinity to deal take care of matters.

 

You and your boyfriend are robbing yourselves of valuable life by being stuck where you are...and the spirits of your loving relatives are mad as hell and downright pissed that you are doing this...and YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE...SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?????????????????????

[butterflyz]

tony gives great advice.

 

i can relate to both you and your boyfriend.

 

i lost my brother very young. he was 3 i was 6. he was very ill, handicapped physically, mentally, he wasn't even growing. he was never going to walk.

 

well, when he died it destroyed my parents marriage (it wasn't great to begin with). when i ran to his crib in the morning like i always did, and he was gone i asked my father what happened. he said that jeffrey was gone. he was in heaven. but i didn't understand what that meant. i didn't believe him. i thought he was hiding him from me. so i made him carry me around the house looking in every closet, drawer, hamper etc. i didn't understand how you could be here one minute and gone the other. they didn't let me go to the funeral. they made me go to school, like nothing happened. and then afterwards my father didn't let us talk about him. but, we had to go to the cemetary every week to visit him for 4 years. they never really explained how or why he died.

 

since that time, i always had fear about people just dropping out of my life. when my parents used to go on their separate vacations, i would freak out thinking that they'd never come back. and when my father began an affair, the feelings intensified. ironic, the day my father died, we just got back from the cemetary visiting my brother.

 

so, maybe that's why i don't allow myself to get close to people either. i'm tired from my heart getting ripped out.

 

i wish i had great advice for you ally boo. i am so grateful that you responded to my very depressing posts in the dating forum.

 

the only thing i can say is that life has handed your boyfriend a set of recurring circumstances where he has concluded that it's best to play it safe and don't expose your heart, because the pain will be excrutiating when they leave (by death or by choice). and i can totally relate to it.

 

i have, over time, become close to certain people. i made bad choices. and i've been burned and betrayed. my best girlfriend became jealous of what, she thought, was going to be a great life for me. so, does it mean that i never have a best girlfriend again? no, it means i need to pay closer attention to who i am getting close to. the thought is terribly frightening though.

 

just like this guy that has freaked out my life. i thought, finally, i was making the right decision in love. but, he turned out like everyone else. he treated me like trash and turned on me. so back to the drawing board i go.

 

i think that someone, maybe not you, but a counselor or someone he REALLY trusts, point out to him that everytime he gets close, he backs away out of fear.

 

right now, i don't feel i'm strong enough to take on any new risks. if the wind blew the wrong way, i'd topple over right now. but i know, in time, i'm going to have to take some risks in order to get close to people again.

 

if your boyfriend totally gave his heart over to you, would you love him forever? no one knows that. there are no guarantees.

but, there's a quote from movie that i really like, Steel Magnolias. in the movie, julia roberts is told that if she gets pregnant and has a baby, her health may be compromised. she decides to do it anyway. her mom, sally field, is dismayed and disapproving of her compromising her health. julia roberts says, "i'd rather have 15 minutes of 'wonderful' than a lifetime of 'nothing special'".

 

and it is so true. i wish i could apply it to myself. i don't feel strong enough to do so. i know it would be the right thing to do.

i need to cleanse all of these bad feelings that i have finally allowed myself to feel now. once they are cleansed, i'll be able to take on a new outlook. i think i would feel better if someone told me why everything happened to me. it's like my brother dying, nobody told me "why".

 

the only thing you can do is be loving and patient. since you both are kind of in the same boat, maybe you can suggest that you take each other's hand and jump in together, helping each other through it. that's what i would do if i were thinking clearly and had the strength.

 

good luck, i hope it does work out.

[Ally Boo]

Tony you are absolutely right. I've been dealing with my grandfather's death, and your advice has kinda put the icing on the cake for me...like that one extra shove to push me back into reality.

 

You are exactly right, therapy is the way to go. My grandfather was the first man to ever tell me I was beautiful...and it was during that weird age when you are about to go through puberty. That meant EVERYTHING to me.33

 

Today is the anniversary of the burial...and it's cloudy and rainy...which he also associates with his grandfather. He's REALLY pushing me away. In the past week, he hasn't spent any of the nights with me. In fact, he's spent most of them at some OTHER girl's and her sister's house that he works with...he says they are only friends.

 

It really hurts me bc last night he told me he was coming home...before he left last night, I called him his grandfather's name bc he did something his grandmother told me that his grandfather used to do. I meant it as a complement, he got upset and said that at least the other girl wouldn't remind him of his grandfather. So that pretty much made me feel like sh*t. And THEN he didn't come home....

 

It really hurts me and I want to talk to him about it, but when I protested getting him a 7 up yesterday, he was like "Ally, I can't handle this right now, please just get me something to drink." Then I think, well maybe I should stay at some of my guy friends' house...but then he'll just call me a whore and assume I'm sleeping with them...which I guess is what I'm assuming with him too.

 

I always do this with him...he'll spend all this time with other people, and not me, we'll break up, then I'll feel guilty..knowing I'm one of the few people he has opened up to...his life goes more downhill, he gets really drunk every night, calls me and tells me how I'm the only person he ever cared about...cries openly in front of his friends...then we get back together, and the cycle happens again. It's like he knows what he wants, but when he gets it, he's afraid of it and doesn't know that he really wants it anymore...then he loses it...wants it again, blah blah blah.

 

He uses the fact that we work for competing stations to keep me from going to hockey games with him...or the Areosmith concert that I REALLY wanted to go to.... I just wanna cry. My counseler is gonna get an earfull tonight! LOL