Author Asafan Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 I just personally think that resentment kills marriages. I know it killed my previous marriage in alot ways and my H's marriage as well. It builds and builds and builds. Your wife has a legitimate bad injury- which is extremely painful. I would imagine she doesn't feel like doing things around the house. I know it's hard on you but instead of feeling resentment towards her how about understanding?? I'm sure she would trade her disk problems to be completely healthy and be able to really keep up with all of the stuff that she should be doing. One of your underlying issues IMO is that you think her job is not as hard as yours and trust me, being a SAHM was the toughest job I ever had. I wasn't really cut out for it because as it turns out I like to have adult interaction. How about sitting down with her and tell her that you'd like to start completely over fresh and that you'll let go of any resentments that you have towards her if she will let go of her own. Then going forward- get stuff out- don't let it fester and boil over to hurt your marriage. I have no doubt, in fact, I know, that taking care of our 3 year old and the housework is extremely hard, probably in some ways harder than my job is. I get stressed out spending half a day with him! He is very bright and active and it must suck for her because she LIKES working. She loved her job. So, more often than not I am extremely understanding. I know how horrible she feels about everything, and I try my damnedest to help her feel good about herself. In fact, when I got home from work yesterday I made her go out shopping. I took care of the kids and cooked dinner, and she came back with two pairs of new shoes two hours later. My statements yesterday about her napping and stuff, was mostly out of frustration because of her obvious over-reaction the night before. I was just annoyed, which is why I posted here rather than arguing with her or yelling at her. We actually have a pretty good relationship and talk all the time. There has just been a lot of stress because we are gearing up to make a really big out of state move. I have to find a new job, and we have to find a new place to live. Everything is changing. Even at my current job which I can't wait to leave. STRESS Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 In fact, when I got home from work yesterday I made her go out shopping. I took care of the kids and cooked dinner, and she came back with two pairs of new shoes two hours later. your wife treats you like a doormat and you are rewarding her with a shopping trip? so in her mind she'll get rewards when she misbehaves.... There has just been a lot of stress because we are gearing up to make a really big out of state move. I have to find a new job, and we have to find a new place to live. um...let me guess. You are moving cause SHE wants to move?? WTF! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asafan Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 your wife treats you like a doormat and you are rewarding her with a shopping trip? so in her mind she'll get rewards when she misbehaves.... I gave her a shopping trip because she needed a break, and I thought it was the right thing to do. I understand where you are coming from and to an extent you are right. Believe me, *he said with a great sigh*, I know you are right, but I have kids and I have to think of them too. There are a lot of things she does that piss me off and sometimes I feel like a chump -- like I'm being taken for a ride -- but thats just frustration talking. I don't think its productive to approach a marriage relationship from your point of view. If she was my girlfriend and there were no kids involved, believe me, I would not be sticking around for one minute more, but a marriage has to be more than that. I would not recommend it to my sons that's for sure. I did this to myself. I'm just trying to deal with it as best I can. um...let me guess. You are moving cause SHE wants to move?? WTF! No. We really have no choice but to move. It is VERY expensive where I live and even if she were working we would have a problem, and I make top dollar in my field where I am, and there is no way in hell I'm working 80 hour weeks just to survive. My wife is totally against that too. Leaving is just a smart move in general. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Maybe her snapping at you had nothing to do with you at all and more to do with whats she is going through. I have been in her shoes and still am. I have had health problems that developed in my 20's three years ago I was taken out of work on a stretcher. Believe me the emotions and anger you go through is unreal. I was so pissed off that my life as I knew it was gone. That I couldn't even do the simpliest thing without pain. That I couldn't be the same mom to my daughter. That I had to take naps. Counseling and anti-depressants and pain managment helped. But it also effected my relationship a lot. My BF had to pick up all the slack. And for about a year he really didn't have a partner. Because I couldn't be his partner he had to take care of me. I think he had resentments and it is totally normal. I offered couseling if he wanted it. He said no. But it can help. Because I am sure there are a lot of things you want to say but can't because she is sick. It is not her fault she is sick. But it doesn't mean you can't be angry at her for being sick. Or resentlful that your life has changed. etc... All totally normal feelings, I have no idea if this is how you might feel. No a lot of people deal with a disabled spouse so sometimes it can be hard to understand. Would your insurance pay for counselign for her? I was really angry and took it out on my BF. Couseling really helped me to deal with my anger and not take it out on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 your wife treats you like a doormat and you are rewarding her with a shopping trip? so in her mind she'll get rewards when she misbehaves.... She's not his child Alpha, she's his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asafan Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 Maybe her snapping at you had nothing to do with you at all and more to do with whats she is going through. More than likely you are right. Believe me the emotions and anger you go through is unreal. I was so pissed off that my life as I knew it was gone. That I couldn't even do the simpliest thing without pain. That I couldn't be the same mom to my daughter. That I had to take naps. Counseling and anti-depressants and pain managment helped. But it also effected my relationship a lot. My BF had to pick up all the slack. And for about a year he really didn't have a partner. Because I couldn't be his partner he had to take care of me. I think he had resentments and it is totally normal. I offered couseling if he wanted it. He said no. But it can help. Because I am sure there are a lot of things you want to say but can't because she is sick. It is not her fault she is sick. But it doesn't mean you can't be angry at her for being sick. Or resentlful that your life has changed. etc... All totally normal feelings, I get it. I really do. I don't think I could possibly be more understanding than I am or have been. It's just taking a toll. I don't even want to talk about it with her anymore because she knows how it is and just starts to cry because I made her feel more guilty than she already does. I feel like I can't win. If I talk about how I'm feeling I upset her. Maybe it is time for me to get some counseling for myself. Would your insurance pay for counselign for her? I was really angry and took it out on my BF. Couseling really helped me to deal with my anger and not take it out on him. She has been to counseling and we have a huge bill already from it, we are afraid the no fault won't cover it and don't want to generate a larger bill even though she needs it. Basically, we are getting screwed. Again. For myself I could probably go under my insurance but I'm afraid of what he is going to say about the bill for her. Our co-payments are also pretty high and to go on a regular basis is going to get pricey. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I get it. I really do. I don't think I could possibly be more understanding than I am or have been. It's just taking a toll. I don't even want to talk about it with her anymore because she knows how it is and just starts to cry because I made her feel more guilty than she already does. I feel like I can't win. If I talk about how I'm feeling I upset her. Maybe it is time for me to get some counseling for myself. I guess the point of my really long winded post was that you don't have to be more understanding than you already are. And it is OK to feel anger & ressentment. You need to talk about it yes, but not to her. To someone else. That way you get your feelings out but don't make her feel guilty. It does take it's toll. I wonder if there are any support groups you guys could join or just you alone, Usually they are free. Isn't insurance great. I have had claims denied and the paper work they throw at you. All when you are sick and really can not deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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