chrissymcal Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 guess i should explain...ive been with this guy for 2 years now...were both 21...we met and hit it off rite off the bat...hes perfect for me...and he always told me i was perfect for him...we had a great relationship, doing all kinds of fun things together, and spending most of our free time together....when we first met, we both drank and partied heavily, but as we got more serious, he made the decidion of his own to quit drinking and basically blew off the people he was hanging out with and got really serious about me... we talked about our future, even got rrsps, and started looking at a mortgage together.. about a month before christmas this year, he went all weird and started wanting to party and drink again...i had started a big fight over it, and he left...less than two weeks later, we were back together again... we were together for a month and a half , when all of a sudden, he started acting weird again, barley talking to me..but just kind of, checking in on me to make sure i wasnt talking to other men and such... well yesterday he sent me a text message saying 'i didnt want to end it this way'...and i came home and his profile said he was single... so i started freaking out and stuff, then my friends made me realize, he came back the first time...chances are hes gunna come back again... i feel like he is confused and going through some kind of maturing that he doesnt like and hes trying to have his last hurrah sort of.... i dont think we will remain split up, but i dont want to give myself false hope... is there a chance, even in a few months, that he may come back?? i was thinking maybe by the time hes done college in april ...that will be when he comes back... realistically, is there a chance of us getting back together? how should i go about doing it? my friends told me to just ignore him until he comes to me....which worked the first time... Link to post Share on other sites
Cherbear Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 oh my i'm doing the same thing. Not exactly the same but i'm also waiting for my ex to graduate from college in may. he's also very immature and has all kinds of fun/crazy college stuff going on. but when people start working, especially right from a heavy party-goer, they may get matured a lot. think about it. relocate, financially independent, new environment and very likely much less activities going on in life than in college. he'll miss you and good times with you. my suggestion, NC!!Totally cut him off. let him go to parties and stuff. he'll miss you after a while. if you get back with him right now, he still has the chance to go to a lot of parties and stuff. it probably will happen again. but after he graduates, he'll have more responsibility and be serious with life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 well, hes not in college full time. he takes nite courses ...hes an apprentice...but it does take up alot of his time...his job and school...that and hes still young, i think he just wants to be sure before he settles down.. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Yeah -- just ignore him and go no contact. Make him do all the work and prove to you that he can grow up and commit to you. Right now, he hasn't proven to you that he is on his way from being a party boy to becoming a real man. If I were you, I would start dating other men. He actually doesn't sound like that great of a catch, and I think you deserve better. Start thinking of yourself a bit more and make sure your standards aren't being set too low. Also, be sure you take the attitude that you don't need a man and can have a fun and independant life on your own with friends or dating casuallly. It is this attitude that will likely cause him to come running back -- but it will also cause lots of quality men to take interest. When that happens, you will be in a great decision to be picky about who you chose to spend your time with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 theres no one im interested in dating...i dont really want to start up a new relationship... i know he is the one for me...he was perfect in most ways... its hard for me to find people i have things in common with because i have such obscure interests...not to mention that most men dont even tickle my fancy... id rather be single if i cant have him.... Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 theres no one im interested in dating...i dont really want to start up a new relationship... i know he is the one for me...he was perfect in most ways... its hard for me to find people i have things in common with because i have such obscure interests...not to mention that most men dont even tickle my fancy... id rather be single if i cant have him.... Well, Ok. Even still -- the best chance you have at getting him back is by becoming happy without him. You don't have to date other guys, you just have to have a more take-it-or-leave-it attitude and be content having fun with your friends. So... go no-contact and don't settle for anything less than a true change in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 thats what im going for...im truly not interested in any relationship at the moment unless it is with him...i really hate new relationships...and i feel that he is truly the one for me...i just hope that this NC thing works again this time :/...its hard to believe that he could just walk away and totally forget about me after two years like we had...its only like the second day of not talking to him and im really tempted to send him something...but i gotta stay strong.. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Would you care to write down exactly what it is about him that makes him so perfect for you? Do it right here for all of us to see and comment on. It is a useful thing to do -- espcially if you also write down all the reasons you fought, his drinking problems, and the fact that he dumped you and can't commit. Also write down what he would need to change in order for the two of you to not have the same problems all over again should he decide to come back. Right now, your judgement is clouded by the emotions of your split. Writing down the lists will help you think clearly about this, and I'm sure you will get lots of opinions! :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Davis Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 theres no one im interested in dating...i dont really want to start up a new relationship... i know he is the one for me...he was perfect in most ways... its hard for me to find people i have things in common with because i have such obscure interests...not to mention that most men dont even tickle my fancy... id rather be single if i cant have him.... Chrissy: I know it's hard to see it from the inside, especially when you're in love, but from the outside he's clearly got some problems that have a lot more to do with than being immature or growing up. It sounds like he has a drinking problem and all the personality dysfunctions that go along with it. I'm not dismissing your feelings about him, however, you are very young. That actually makes it tougher for you. I know it's hard to understand, but he's not the "perfect" guy nor is he the only guy you will ever love. "He is the one for me". How could you possibly know? You haven't lived or dated long enough to have enough life experience to know that. Believe me there a lots of better guys out there that don't have personal issues. Hun, if he left you a couple of times he will leave you again. And you will be broken hearted and in pain AGAIN. Once they leave, it rarely, if ever works out. Ok you don't want a relationship and you would rather be single. Then do it. But you need to cut off all contact with him and not put yourself through anymore hurt by thinking he will come back and it will all be rosey. Move forward with your life and when you look back you will realize that you're in a better place. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 why i think hes perfect? we have the same musical taste (which is impossible for me to find as there arent many people who can appreciate the music im into) we are both musicians, we are both pisces and have the same strong emotions as one another, he would never cheat and i would never worry about that, he feels the same way i do about pornography (and how many men would completely stop using porn when they were in a relationship?!) and porn is one of my biggest problems, hes the most generous person youll ever meet,hes the most loyal guy youll ever meet, hes caring, hes a genuinely good person,i trust him,he is the only person i am sexually attracted to,he has a good career and knows how to set goals, he cares about his family,he is not demeaning in anyway,he enjoys all the same activities i do (i never met some one who would want to spend days on end out doors with me) ive never gotten along with some one better in my life, he was the only person i was ever with that wasnt completely centred around sex!, i enjoy most everything that we do together, ive never met anyone that never once complained of boredom as was just so constantly happy and loving, he satisfys my sexually and i him in a way ive never experienced before,he makes me feel beautiful like no one else ever has... the things about him i dislike, how it seems hes choosing his friends over me, how he keeps changing his mind about me..but then again, i bring it on by trying to control him and yelling at him....and the fact that he likes (and probably wants)children but i dont, how he lets people walk all over him, how he is constantly doing 'good deeds' for everyone (it drives me nuts!)...how he cant decide what he wants?, how he seems to using drinking as ammunition against me in spite, how when we fight he avoids me...that drives me insane... Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 C- IME having the same musical taste isn't enough to build a future on. You need similar outlooks on life, mutual respect and good communication. You and your guy don't seem to have these things right now. And IME most college age guys just aren't ready to settle down and commit to a relationship. My BF is the man of my dreams- but I know for a fact that when he was in his mid twenties he was immature and often inconsiderate to his ex GF. All he wanted to do was surf. Now he has grown up a bit, we are both in our early thirties, we have partied and travelled and lived a bit, and now we are ready to settle down. I am glad I met him when I did- cos I know our R wouldn't have worked if we had met five years ago. I agree with all the other posters that you should go out and live a little, and learn to be happy on your own. Its so important to be happy with yourself. Otherwise you can never truly be happy in a R. And you have so much time to find Mr Right! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 *still not convinced* im just going to wait for him to change his mind and come back...its not worth it to me to make an effort to go out and find some one else, i cant do this anymore! if mr. knight in shining armour comes around, then so be it, but this city has nothing left to offer me, im sure of it...and im sure that i wont be meeting anyone like my ex for a very long time! either way, not contacting him is either going to win him back or help me get over him! as for him being a 'college guy', he isnt. he is an apprentice electrician and takes two nite courses two days a week because your required to do a certain amount of reading in order to become a master electrician..so hes not what everyone is thinking, hes not some frat boy loser... he has a full time job as an electrician and is in school part time, which doesnt leave him alot of time on the side...which i think is another part of this..he doesnt know how to manage his time well Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 He isn't *that* loyal if he keeps changing his mind. I'm sorry your having a hard time with this, but try to have a more open mind about the future. Think about waiting for him for 10 or 15 years and one day waking up and realising all the time you wasted being unfulfilled when you could have had a great time loving someone who can commit to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 *still not convinced* im just going to wait for him to change his mind and come back...its not worth it to me to make an effort to go out and find some one else, i cant do this anymore! if mr. knight in shining armour comes around, then so be it, but this city has nothing left to offer me, im sure of it...and im sure that i wont be meeting anyone like my ex for a very long time! either way, not contacting him is either going to win him back or help me get over him! as for him being a 'college guy', he isnt. he is an apprentice electrician and takes two nite courses two days a week because your required to do a certain amount of reading in order to become a master electrician..so hes not what everyone is thinking, hes not some frat boy loser... he has a full time job as an electrician and is in school part time, which doesnt leave him alot of time on the side...which i think is another part of this..he doesnt know how to manage his time well Honey! You're 21! 21! Saying your town/life has nothing left to offer you is a cop-out. We all know it's not true. It's your way of saying you don't want to let go of your ex. That's ok. Just know that life does have a lot to offer and that by hanging on to someone who can't make up his mind - you might be missing out on great opportunities - be they related to love or other things (travel, career, etc). Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Honey! You're 21! 21! Saying your town/life has nothing left to offer you is a cop-out. We all know it's not true. It's your way of saying you don't want to let go of your ex. That's ok. Just know that life does have a lot to offer and that by hanging on to someone who can't make up his mind - you might be missing out on great opportunities - be they related to love or other things (travel, career, etc). Hear hear Kamille. College guy, trainee sparky, tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, doctor, waiter, Whatever. I am talking about his AGE and the STAGE of life he is at. And IMO (and I am a bit older than you) guys of that age generally don't want to settle down. Having been in your situation, I wish someone had told me to just go out and enjoy life for a while in my ealry twenties while I had no responsibilities. You sound like you have made up your mind that you are going to wait for him no matter what, so whatever we say isn't going to make a difference. But by doing that, you have set a precedent. You are pretty much saying to him "ok honey do whatever you want, walk all over me, and I will always be here waiting for you when you get back". Is that really what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 well i guess the way my friends have explained this whole no contact thing is that i will either get over it in time by not talking to him, or itll bring him back...i bought this book tonite called 'its called a break up because its broken' so im hopeing to get a little something out of that...i mean, i miss him, and i still love him (its only been 3 days...) but im having a good time... id like him back, but im not going to sit here forever...if he comes back COOL! if some one better comes along SWEET! in the mean time, im living life for me! Link to post Share on other sites
chandler_813 Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Good for you! That's totally great, I wish I could do that Wish I had your strength...I just keep moping around and wishing it didn't hurt so much. I think the fact that I don't have a job yet is making it much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 still not a word from him...altho its only been about 4 days, im really starting to lose hope on him coming back, especially after reading this book...its really hard not to text him...sometimes ive just got nothing better to do.....its weird, all of a sudden at work guys are starting to hit on me again..it makes me feel better about myself...but its not going to bring denis back...well, i guess theres nothing i can do to bring him back,if hes going to come back, its going to be on his own accord! Link to post Share on other sites
Davis Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Chrissy! You're doing NC, but you're not letting go! That's not part of the program. Like I said previously, I understand how much you care about him. Believe me and the others on here, he's not the only guy that you will ever love or will meet your criteria. Sure, for you it seems improbable right now. I don't want to be harsh, but it sounds like "He's not that into you". If he came back, I doubt it would work and you would get hurt again and be back at step 1. You have to start telling yourself that you are moving forward and you're not waiting or thinking that he might come back. As difficult as it is and even though you don't want to, do your best to start moving forward with your life and continue with NC. You will be ok!! Chandler: moping around is part of the process. You will get through it. Do your best to visit your friends, go out, socialize and see your family. Maybe you should do some volunteer work until you get a job. That will keep you busier. It will get better, promise!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 i cant just force myself to get over him..i have a feeling in my heart that theres always a chance to work **** out...the only thing thats gunna get me over him is time. Link to post Share on other sites
Davis Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 i cant just force myself to get over him..i have a feeling in my heart that theres always a chance to work **** out...the only thing thats gunna get me over him is time. No, you can't force yourself to "get over him". But you can do your best to stay busy, do NC and get on with your life. I know, easier said than done. I just hate to see you hanging on with the hope that he may come back or it will work out. Sorry, but rarely do these situations work out. When you keep holding on and holding on to hope, you're only continuing to hurt yourself. You're right, the only thing that will get you over him is time. And you will get over him. By the way, looking back at the beginning of this thread, I think your mental and emotional state have improved since then! It will continue to get better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissymcal Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 i was bad...last nite....i texted him...two times...then once early this morning...none of which he replied too....*sigh* im such an idiot... after three days i couldnt even wait one more day to message him... i got so upset at him not replying that i sent him a message over facebook telling him i want all my stuff back if were never gunna jive together again... then i thought about it after talking to my girlfriend (who is now going through the same ****) and i sent him another saying to just keep my stuff for now...and telling him that the door is open, but not forever.... probably all glareing mistakes...but meh, whatre u gunna do... Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 probably all glareing mistakes...but meh, whatre u gunna do... Stop it! It was a double-mistake. First, texting him, then -- apologizing and leaving the door open. Oh well, we've all made these mistakes before.... I don't think you are going to be able to do NC until you stop thinking of him as "the one and only" for you. Link to post Share on other sites
the_total_package Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Is it possible you could be happy without him? I just get sad when people have been treated badly in a relationship over and over, and they are worried about reconciling and if he wants them back or not. I would focus on your own activities and things, and definitely consider dating other guys, get out there, have fun, you are SO young. Have you read "He's Just NOt That Into You" by Greg Behrendt? you will appreciate that book, I think. He says "Don't waste the pretty." You are so attractive and have so much life and fun to offer the world, don't sit around being sad and moping about this guy who has broken up with you, get out there and be availabe for someone who will appreciate what you have to offer and feel like the luckiest man alive that he found such a beautiful, fun person! That is my advice to you. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 well i guess the way my friends have explained this whole no contact thing is that i will either get over it in time by not talking to him, or itll bring him back...i bought this book tonite called 'its called a break up because its broken' so im hopeing to get a little something out of that...i mean, i miss him, and i still love him (its only been 3 days...) but im having a good time... id like him back, but im not going to sit here forever...if he comes back COOL! if some one better comes along SWEET! in the mean time, im living life for me! Good girl thats the attitude! i cant just force myself to get over him..i have a feeling in my heart that theres always a chance to work **** out...the only thing thats gunna get me over him is time. Yup. No, you can't force yourself to "get over him". But you can do your best to stay busy, do NC and get on with your life. I know, easier said than done. I just hate to see you hanging on with the hope that he may come back or it will work out. Sorry, but rarely do these situations work out. When you keep holding on and holding on to hope, you're only continuing to hurt yourself. You're right, the only thing that will get you over him is time. And you will get over him. By the way, looking back at the beginning of this thread, I think your mental and emotional state have improved since then! It will continue to get better for you. I agree Is it possible you could be happy without him? I just get sad when people have been treated badly in a relationship over and over, and they are worried about reconciling and if he wants them back or not. I would focus on your own activities and things, and definitely consider dating other guys, get out there, have fun, you are SO young. Have you read "He's Just NOt That Into You" by Greg Behrendt? you will appreciate that book, I think. He says "Don't waste the pretty." You are so attractive and have so much life and fun to offer the world, don't sit around being sad and moping about this guy who has broken up with you, get out there and be availabe for someone who will appreciate what you have to offer and feel like the luckiest man alive that he found such a beautiful, fun person! That is my advice to you. I am totally with this guy too. You will get over him Chrissy. Even tho it may feel like you never will, youdo. trust me my hearts been broken a few times, and its always recovered. Even tho sometimes it really really hurt. Don't beat yourself up, its pretty soon. Give yourself a break, you are right, time is the best healer. Goodluck. Link to post Share on other sites
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