jealousy

[yes]

hi!

 

does anybody have any general pointers on how to control jealousy? i highly dislike it when the person i'm dating pays a lot of attention or flirts with someone else. i'm also not sure about how to deal with it - i don't wanna show that it bothers me, but ... i also don't wanna let it go on.

 

the reason i'm asking is mainly b/c it upsets me, and then i realize im being jealous, which upsets me even more. not a good cycle!

 

any experiences to share??

 

thanks,

-yes

[Patty]

Hi Yes.

 

There are many things that make people jealous.And you have a very good reason to be.When two people are in love they want to spend as much time as ever with that other person.And he doesnt seem to be wanting to be with you by the looks of it.I think you need to tell him how you feel and see what happens from there.Maybe hes trying to do this to make you jealous?If so and you think he is dont show it! Its the best thing you can do.

Get yourself fixed up ,whatever you want to do,curl your hair or get a nice haircut.Put on some make up.Make yourself a knock out.The next time he sees you he might wonder if you got another guy or not.Then if he sees this,you might just start to get him worried.The next time he calls you ,tell him your going to be busy.Act like you dont care. Then maybe he will stop what hes doing and he might start to wonder if you got another guy or not.Dont always make yourself available.Keep him guessing!

 

Patty

[yes]

i'm not in love w/ all the people i date.

this is just a case where i'm out with some guy, and he pays attention to someone else. i don't think he's doing something wrong - i just want to control my reaction & possibly show some reasonable reaction.

 

i know this mostly has to do with insecurity. as soon as i see him pay attention to some gal, i start comparing myself to her. silly me! but on the outside, i just smile & also talk to the girl, and act like it's all good. this is where i'm not sure i'm acting correctly...

 

thanks anyway,

-yes

[butterflyz]

you need to more clearly define when you say that your date is paying attention and flirting with others. an inordinate amount of time spent doing that is hurtful and should not go on.

 

so, in that case the way you handle could go like this:

"i want to let you know that when you spend alot of time paying attention to other women and flirt with them it hurts me. reason being is that that behavior should be directed towards me. i'm not saying that paying any attention to other women is what bothers me. i am being specific about a specific behavior. i see it as rude and disrespectful. i don't think you would like it if it were done to you."

 

this way you don't sound jealous. which is really not what is going on with you. you are feeling disrespected, but you are taking on the emotion as your problem, instead of something being done to you.

 

i've put up with it before and i never will again.

[yes]

okay, i guess the issue is if he's being disrespectful. thanks for clarifying that for me - u'r right - if it's not disrespectful, i can safely ignore it, if it is - i should say something, and if things don't change, i stop dating him.

 

hmm so what does he do... well - we usually go dancing. he always meets new women there & dances with them - but never asks for their number, and never hides me from them - like he'll hold my hand right in front of them, etc. meanwhile, his friends & sometimes random guys dance with me. he still spends a good chunk of the night dancing with me, or just sitting -n hugging me.

now the reason i get jealous is a particular friend of ours. although it's unreasonable b/c he's trying to hook her up with his friend. but still, he always dances w/ her when she shows up, hugs her, tells me how nice she is, asks me if she had called me, always calls her to invite her out with us (it's normally a whole group - me, her, him, his friends, and sometimes her friend or two).

 

hmm, now that i've typed it out, i dont think he's being disrespectful considering the casualness of our r/s ... i guess i should simply be slightly on guard, that's all. And i guess just cuz he says - oh, she's nice, and oh, she's a good dancer - doesn't really matter, because if he wanted to, he could stop calling me & hook up with her. he did go out w/ her alone once, but made a point of telling me about it - and it was a night when he wanted to see me & i couldn't make it.

 

thanks for listening,

-yes

[Ally Boo]

It sounds like you have a casual relationship, but you are starting to really care for him. If that is the case, and your feelings are starting to go beyond casual...you should talk to him and tell him about your feelings...find out where this casual relationship is going. If it is not going anywhere....you should probably look for someone else to go out with.

[yes]

i dont think casual r/s -> no feelings.

to me, casual r/s means no exclusivity & no plans to take any "next steps". i don't see how that cancels out caring about the person.

 

-yes

[Ally Boo]

Its kinda like having a f*ck Buddy....its just that...nothing else...no feelings, and no jealousy. You can't GET jealous...you have no right or reason to be jealous....unless you are starting to love them.

[yes]

you have a totally difft view of casual r/s. it's not a **** buddy at all. it's just an unexclusive, free r/s. a **** buddy doesn't need to respect u, he just needs to respect yr privacy. but anybody u'r dating, casually or not, has to respect you & not act disrespectfully towards you. in any case, it doesn't matter if we agree on this ...

 

thanks anyway,

-yes

[katybird]

Originally posted by yes

i'm not in love w/ all the people i date.

this is just a case where i'm out with some guy, and he pays attention to someone else. i don't think he's doing something wrong - i just want to control my reaction & possibly show some reasonable reaction.

 

i know this mostly has to do with insecurity. as soon as i see him pay attention to some gal, i start comparing myself to her. silly me! but on the outside, i just smile & also talk to the girl, and act like it's all good. this is where i'm not sure i'm acting correctly...

 

thanks anyway,

-yes

 

OK, unless you're with a guy who is actually stepping out-of-bounds (leaning in close to a woman, making prolonged eye contact, touching her arm, and/or totally leaving you out of all conversation for more than ten minutes) then you're right - this natural jealous reaction is something that needs to be managed. I've been there. What I try to do is to just walk away. If I'm at a bar and there's another girl talking to my date, I'll find some excuse to walk away, rather than do the obvious things like put my hand on his arm possesively.

 

It also helps to go talk to other people. I suppose that this can quickly degenerate into something immature, where you go and try to one-up him by talking to hunky men or whatever, but talking to other people keeps you distracted, makes you look self-sufficient, and makes your date see that you're appealing and popular with people in general.

 

So, that's what I do

[butterflyz]

one is to flirt outrageously with your guy when another woman comes along and one is to walk away.

 

as long as the woman is respectful, and you are being included in the conversation, then staying is appropriate and not making an idiot out of yourself by flirting outrageously.

 

if they are leaving you out of the conversation that's a red flag, if there body language is like how katybird said, also red flag.

 

but, "yes" you are missing something very important. many a time, a person (man or woman) who is trying to fix a friend up with someone they really like also really likes them in more than a platonic manner. so many times, i've been put in precarious situations by someone who wants to fix me up with a guy, when she really wanted him, but did it under the guise of a "group" thing and didn't want to alarm her boyfriend.

 

i didn't like being used that way at all. it may or may not be something to worry about, only you know because only you are there to read their body language and see if they are flirting.

 

casual relationships are bull. either you are in it or you are not. and if you are in it just to have something to do (not you personally) then you are using the other person. if you are in it because you are hoping it might lead to something more, then make sure your partner feels the same way.

 

if you are not in it, then you have a bed buddy, that's it.

 

take a step back when those two are together and watch them real closely. if you didn't know them, would you think they were into each other?

 

good luck

[yes]

thanks for your comments. i see your points.

 

i like the walking away tactic - that's pretty much what i do - basically ignore it & keep talking to other people.

 

butterflyz, u'r right that the real issue here is what is this r/s & where is this going. that's a damn hard question ... but i'll think about it & maybe ask him about it at some point...

 

-yes

[eve]

Originally posted by yes

okay, i guess the issue is if he's being disrespectful. thanks for clarifying that for me - u'r right - if it's not disrespectful, i can safely ignore it, if it is - i should say something, and if things don't change, i stop dating him.

 

hmm so what does he do... well - we usually go dancing. he always meets new women there & dances with them - but never asks for their number, and never hides me from them - like he'll hold my hand right in front of them, etc. meanwhile, his friends & sometimes random guys dance with me. he still spends a good chunk of the night dancing with me, or just sitting -n hugging me.

now the reason i get jealous is a particular friend of ours. although it's unreasonable b/c he's trying to hook her up with his friend. but still, he always dances w/ her when she shows up, hugs her, tells me how nice she is, asks me if she had called me, always calls her to invite her out with us (it's normally a whole group - me, her, him, his friends, and sometimes her friend or two).

 

hmm, now that i've typed it out, i dont think he's being disrespectful considering the casualness of our r/s ... i guess i should simply be slightly on guard, that's all. And i guess just cuz he says - oh, she's nice, and oh, she's a good dancer - doesn't really matter, because if he wanted to, he could stop calling me & hook up with her. he did go out w/ her alone once, but made a point of telling me about it - and it was a night when he wanted to see me & i couldn't make it.

 

thanks for listening,

-yes

 

With this other girl you're talking about, it seems as though she may be a good friend of his, and he is simply trying to get the two of you together so that you could be friends too (always asking you if she called you and making sure that he invites you out when she's there). Perhaps the nice things he says about her are just his way of trying to build her up to you. I have a lot of guy friends, and when I was dating my (now ex) boyfriend, I always invited him out with us. He was a jealous type, and I wanted to let him see that the guys I was with were just my friends and I was also hoping that he could find some things in common with them so that they could be his friends too. Unfortunately, he never did come out with us and continued to be jealous over it. I think you would have more right to feel jealous if he didn't bother inviting you out at all, and didn't tell you about the time he went out with her. Wouldn't it have felt worse to hear about it from someone else instead?

[halcyon]

Originally posted by eve

With this other girl you're talking about, it seems as though she may be a good friend of his, and he is simply trying to get the two of you together so that you could be friends too (always asking you if she called you and making sure that he invites you out when she's there). Perhaps the nice things he says about her are just his way of trying to build her up to you. I have a lot of guy friends, and when I was dating my (now ex) boyfriend, I always invited him out with us. He was a jealous type, and I wanted to let him see that the guys I was with were just my friends and I was also hoping that he could find some things in common with them so that they could be his friends too. Unfortunately, he never did come out with us and continued to be jealous over it. I think you would have more right to feel jealous if he didn't bother inviting you out at all, and didn't tell you about the time he went out with her. Wouldn't it have felt worse to hear about it from someone else instead?

 

 

YOU ARE A GENIUS !!! You just saved my RELATIONSHIP.

 

I LOVE YOU.