Older Man

[Guest]

Hi! I posted on here a month or so ago because I was feeling extreme jealousy over my boyfriend's exes. Basically, I'm 20, he's 38, he's obviously had loads of girlfriends esp as he's never been married, but he's my first ever boyfriend. Well, I'm feeling a lot better about the jealousy thing, its still there in the back of my mind sometimes and I still get tense and angry if I hear anything vaguely related to his last 2 exes which are the ones I got jealous about, but I'm coping so much better. The thing is, I'm still feeling like something is wrong. I think its the whole 'missing out' thing. I wondered if that was part of the reason I was getting jealous, because he'd been living his life, meeting people, caring for them and having relationships whereas my whole life I've been very shy and reserved, quite prudish really, and have hangups about sex.

 

Its fine with him, it feels natural, but the thought of it otherwise just seems dirty or wrong. Just the word sex brings bad connotations to my mind. My upbringing really I think-my dad always said 'a proper lady doesnt just open her legs'- and my own moral code.

 

Dont get me wrong, I do love him, we've been together for 1yr 4 months and he's a great bloke and he loves me. The thing is, I know he sees me as long term, he told me he could see us marrying, yesterday he hinted that we might have kids one day. I'd love to stay with him, he's been treated badly in the past and for years he's wanted a family and now he finally thinks he's found the right person. I think he'd make a great dad and would love to be the one to give him a child. I've thought that for ages. But I keep thinking I should have more experience, maybe cos he's had so much I feel I need more so that I cant feel bad about his past anymore. I'm aware I'm really young.

 

I finish uni this year and am thinking of taking a gap year next year just to travel and see the world before I get bogged down in the world of work. But if I went away, pos for a few months, could we stay together? I know its selfish but in a way, I'd want us to break up while I was gone so that I wasnt tied down at all, could do whatever I wanted, and yes, maybe meet someone and have a fling just to see what its like, but then what if I still wanted him afterwards? It wouldnt be fair to expect him to wait for me, be ok that I'd slept with someone else while traveling (I wouldnt want him to sleep with someone else while I was away) and just take me back.

 

I feel so guilty for feeling like this cos he's so happy with me and deserves to be happy, while I'm just being selfish. I dont want to lose him! I dont want to let him go, I dont want anyone else to have him, but I feel like I need to try other people before I settle down and get married.

 

What should I do?? Please dont rant at me about how selfish and unfair I'm being cos I do know it, I feel really guilty, but I honestly do love and care for him. Please give me some advice! Whatever happened, I'd want to stay friends with him, I want him in my life. I hate the thought of losing him as a friend and not seeing him again because I screwed up.

[Guest]

Im 35 and my exgirlfriend is 23. We had been together for the exact amount of time until it completely fell apart. The age gap had always been a concern for me. I have never been married and have had many relationships and she had been in too few. We openly talk of our feelings for eachother and spoke of the future. But I always told her she should sow her oats, like I did at that age. Travel, experience life, have fun independently. She always difused the subject because she was happy with what she found in me/us and it was enough for her and I trusted that because she seemed well aware of who she is and was intriguingly mature about it.

 

As it turned out I caught her with shocking lies and cheating behavior. You seem to have an honest concern with your feelings. Just take the advice of those closest and who you can trust and always be honest with yourself and it will work out in the end.

Hi! I posted on here a month or so ago because I was feeling extreme jealousy over my boyfriend's exes. Basically, I'm 20, he's 38, he's obviously had loads of girlfriends esp as he's never been married, but he's my first ever boyfriend. Well, I'm feeling a lot better about the jealousy thing, its still there in the back of my mind sometimes and I still get tense and angry if I hear anything vaguely related to his last 2 exes which are the ones I got jealous about, but I'm coping so much better.

 

The thing is, I'm still feeling like something is wrong. I think its the whole 'missing out' thing. I wondered if that was part of the reason I was getting jealous, because he'd been living his life, meeting people, caring for them and having relationships whereas my whole life I've been very shy and reserved, quite prudish really, and have hangups about sex.

 

Its fine with him, it feels natural, but the thought of it otherwise just seems dirty or wrong. Just the word sex brings bad connotations to my mind. My upbringing really I think-my dad always said 'a proper lady doesnt just open her legs'- and my own moral code.

 

Dont get me wrong, I do love him, we've been together for 1yr 4 months and he's a great bloke and he loves me. The thing is, I know he sees me as long term, he told me he could see us marrying, yesterday he hinted that we might have kids one day. I'd love to stay with him, he's been treated badly in the past and for years he's wanted a family and now he finally thinks he's found the right person. I think he'd make a great dad and would love to be the one to give him a child. I've thought that for ages. But I keep thinking I should have more experience, maybe cos he's had so much I feel I need more so that I cant feel bad about his past anymore. I'm aware I'm really young.

 

I finish uni this year and am thinking of taking a gap year next year just to travel and see the world before I get bogged down in the world of work. But if I went away, pos for a few months, could we stay together? I know its selfish but in a way, I'd want us to break up while I was gone so that I wasnt tied down at all, could do whatever I wanted, and yes, maybe meet someone and have a fling just to see what its like, but then what if I still wanted him afterwards? It wouldnt be fair to expect him to wait for me, be ok that I'd slept with someone else while traveling (I wouldnt want him to sleep with someone else while I was away) and just take me back.

 

I feel so guilty for feeling like this cos he's so happy with me and deserves to be happy, while I'm just being selfish. I dont want to lose him! I dont want to let him go, I dont want anyone else to have him, but I feel like I need to try other people before I settle down and get married.

 

What should I do?? Please dont rant at me about how selfish and unfair I'm being cos I do know it, I feel really guilty, but I honestly do love and care for him. Please give me some advice! Whatever happened, I'd want to stay friends with him, I want him in my life. I hate the thought of losing him as a friend and not seeing him again because I screwed up.

[stillafool]

In my experience, I'm much older than you, it is the new women you have to worry about, not their ex girlfriends. They have already had them and if things had been that great they'd still be together. If you are going to waste you time in jealousy, be jealous of the new women as they will bring something new and fresh to his life that he hasn't had.

 

Also definitely, travel and live your life. You are young, beautiful and soon to be educated - go for it. There are thousands of men out there to see (don't date them all) and new experiences for you. Once you are gone you will be surprised how fast your old bf vanishes from your thoughts. Good luck hon, and have a ball. You can't get those years back when they're gone.