This Is All New To Me

[suede808]

Greetings everyone. I am desperately looking for advice. I'm a 28 year-old female, and haven't really managed to have a successful relationship with a man that has lasted for more than five months. However, four years ago (today!), I met this really nice, older guy. I had just gotten out of the longest (and worst) relationship I'd ever had. I felt he was out of my league, so I was "cold and aloof" to him (his words).

 

Four years later, August 2002, we met again, helping our mutual friends (a co-habitating couple) move into their new apartment. Both of us were still single. He flirted with me, and again, I was "cold and aloof." But I have to assume I was perhaps a little less cold than the first time...

 

A week later, the female half of our couple-friends asks me if I want to help with publicity of this man's (we'll call him D) new film. Finally, a reason to gt to know him better. Naturally, we hang out once, twice, three times. By the third time, he kissed me, and later, we were rolling around between the sheets and loving it.

 

However, things have gotten really rocky recently. I've been out of work, and have recently fallen totally broke. He's been working on a film (he's a director) for the past 12 years, and he's finally finished it, and is trying to enter it into a big, foreign film festival. (I feel like I'm starting to answer my own question, here) I don't know him very well yet, so maybe I'm jumping the gun...everyone tells me if something was wrong, he'd probably just tell me. But things have just kind of...stopped. I'm worried, he's busy, and I feel like I'm walking on glass. Everything's gotten really *tense*. He's already expressed his (heh) adoration of me, but I think I have hated myself for so long, that I just can't believe it, and now I'm convinced I've bolloxed it all up.

 

Is he blowing me off, or is he just busy, and enjoying the fact that, for the most part, I'm an oversensitive but well-adjusted lass, who lets him have more space and positive input of anyone he's ever dated? Am I sweating the small stuff too much (like panicking over the fact that I commented on his snoring)? Should I just hang tight until the film goes to Berlin, and see what happens then?

 

Thanks for any advice...I know, I'm a maniac, but having a "successful" relationship is something I really want, but have been to much of a basket case to have. I am an abuse survivor, and finally getting around to learning to stop hating myself for things beyond my control (much less actually liking, or LOVING, gasp!) myself...I suppose I should reserve a bit of patience for myself.

[Tony T]

What is your definition of a successful relationship? One that goes well, one that lasts a long time, one where the sex is good, one where there's no arguing???

 

Well, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. But a successful relationship happens. You can work on it a bit but a relationship you have to bust your ass over isn't worth having.

 

For this current relationship to be successful, you need to back off and give your guy room to get through his film stuff. You need to be kind to yourself while you get through your money problems.

 

No relationship can thrive with all kinds of turmoil and stress around. That's when you roll with the punches and not get steamed up with each other.

 

The key to a heavenly relationship with anykind is not to have unreasonable expectations or make unreasonable demands. Technically, any kind of demand or expectation is unreasonable. You cannot expect or demand that your guy is going to give a lot of time to you during this period of promoting a film he's been working on for 12 months.

 

Stop analyzing things so much. Just go with the flow. Enjoy whatever little there is to get out of it right now. Don't shut yourself off to other possiblities because it sounds like the two of you aren't far enough into the "relationship" for it to be a fully certified relationship. Just because he's told you how wonderful you are doesn't mean he's committed to you.

 

So lay back, take some deep breaths, enjoy the ride, keep your options open, etc. If this guy's the right one for you, it will work out in the long run. But don't force it.

 

Frankly, my guess is that there's somebody else out there exactly right for you...where the all-important timing is lots better. But the only way you're going to have that successful relationship your wanting with your current interest or anybody in the world is to cool your jets and go with the flow.

 

You've also got to be ready to split when you realize that whoever you're with is not the right one for you. And to know that, you've got to pay attention.

[suede808]

Hi Tony -- Thanks for such a quick and thorough reply! Perhaps I am dating the wrong person...he doesn't even own a computer. (LOL)

 

No, though, you're right. I guess my idea of a "successful" relationship is...(drum roll)...one that doesn't collapse after two months! However, I don't often give much thought, or creedence, to how much my internal wheel-spinning is throwing a spanner into the works.

 

I guess my biggest concern is not missing him, due to his being busy. And it's not that I don't know when it'll all be over, because he knows that I'm willing to back off, let him have space, etc. I guess my biggest problem is what to do when there's silence. Like you said, we haven't been in the thing long enough to know what it is, exactly, so maybe that's where my anxiety is stemming from. And goodness knows, he's practically married to the movie...I typed 12 YEARS because I meant it! He's probably dealing with the fact that he's finally wrapping it up, and, in a way, a very important relationship is coming to an end (or moving from one phase to another).

 

Logically speaking, I understand all these things. And I can back off, and I can give him space. But I have this really irritating tendency to incessantly try to make things up, and fill in the blanks, when I don't get enough input from the other person. I say I don't make demands, or have expectations, but I get really, unnecessarily nervous when the "terms" haven't been established...whenever I do anything (stay away, get in touch, hide), I feel like I'm doing the "wrong thing," and like the other person is the school principal, racking up the demerits on my behalf, until I land up in detention, lame, miserable and alone.

 

With an outlook like that, the future can't be bright! But I guess I just need reassurance that things aren't falling apart already, that we don't need to pen an entire "instruction manual" for this thing that presently has no name, and that what little I've done so far is not grounds for dismissal at this point.

 

Basically, we haven't seen each other in almost two weeks. Fine by me. I usually don't call him...I email him at work, where he has computer/internet access. He has a cell, but he hates it, so I certainly don't use that. This week (it's now Wednesday), we've actually spoken 0 times, emailed twice (I sent him one apologizing for the snoring comment tonight, which he'll read tomorrow), and naturally, seen each other 0 times. All of this is fine by me, it really is. I don't wanna be with someone who needs to see me all the time, and I don't need to see him all the time. But what I do need is some assurance that I'm not making a nuisance of myself...

 

I guess that's going to take more of me learning to trust myself. And lord knows, if he can be patient with me, and understand that THAT's my big, years-long project, then we should be golden from this day forward.

 

Keep the good advice coming...

[butterflyz]

i agree with you that it can be nerve wracking not knowing if things are going well.

 

but, you are not working...so you have too much time to think about him. so, get a job. it will rejuvenate your self esteem.

 

the fact that he's working on this movie is irrelevant. he needs to feel good about his complete work, so he won't be very attentive. but, from what you described, he's really giving you nothing.

 

i can understand that he may not be able to physically see you much, but he surely should be able to call. he may see you as aloof because you don't ask to hear or see him more.

 

try asking him to call you more. obviously, the way you phrase it will help get it accomplished. but just say that you miss hearing from him. state very clearly that you want to give him his space and not appear to be over dependent on him, but you don't want to appear like you don't need him. that is exactly the way i would phrase it. this way he knows where you are coming from, and you don't appear needy.

 

the attitude to take is with men is this: this is who i am, if you like me great, if you don't, then go. by this i am referring to the habits, little traits that people worry about is going to turn someone off. obviously if i am doing something hurtful or mean to someone, they need to tell me and i would fix it.

 

but, since you are not working, you may feel that he has the advantage. don't think that way.

 

but definitely let this guy know that you'd like to spend more time with him, other wise he will leave.

[Ally Boo]

Insecurities are the BIGGEST turn off. Why dont you get out of your rut, and make yourself and him proud. Instead of sitting there THINKING....go apply for a Holiday job if nothing else...go for a walk...go swinging in a park. Get your mind off things, get it clear and start getting your life back on track.