Pink_Tulip Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Thanks SC for responding. First off I want to say, as far as the porn goes, I can't comment. My H and I don't do porn, but if you and your wife are OK with that, no problem. And I can totally see your point about using it while you aren't getting any from her. My issue is, if she is really, honestly trying to work this out with you, maybe put the porn on the bargaining table? If she made a comment about it, it bothers her. That is how we women work. We make a small comment that you are supposed to know psychically that it is really a BIG comment in disguise. And I assume you both did your honesty thing about other relationships early on when you both were more secure, and I am not calling either one of you sluts. My point on that was, women have amazing memories. And if she is depressed, it affects the way she sees the entire world, including herself, and her self worth. I have no doubt she remembers everything you said about the other women, and now that she is going through emotional crap, it is eating away at her and fueling her insecurities. You may have had a very honest and sincere reason for bringing up those other women, but that is probably NOT what your wife heard. And that is a huge problem. This all goes back to communication. She isn't hearing you, and you probably aren't hearing her. As an aside, is she on any meds for the depression? I took anti depressants for PPD, and my sex drive was GONE. I mean seriously gone. Maybe that is something you can look into. Have you gone to any counseling with her? How long has she been going? If it has been a while, I'd question the ability of this therapist and think about changing to a new one. If she is coming to her therapist and stating that you are expressing needs not being met, and her therapists reaction is to print out articles justifying your wifes behavior, that to me is a huge red flag. As I have said in many threads, I absolutely agree that your wife needs to understand how important sex is to fulfilling your emotional needs. And normally I'd tell you to give her a wake up call along the lines of FIC's recommendation, without the name calling. However, with her emotional state right now, you are in a precarious situation. I am really interested in what is going on in her counseling sessions right now. What caused the depression, do you know? Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 I can relate to your situation Stayclose. Your problem is a common one and as you can see it sparks a huge reaction in many men. Also I am wary of therapists they tend to fall under the Oprah diagnosis symdrome where every problem a woman experiences is a result of her man's inablilty to meet her life expectations. I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist told her the reason she is stress and depressed is she is married to you. Somewhat jaded there so take my comment with a grain of salt. Since it sounds like you really love and respect your wife, sounds like your coping with the lack of sex teh best you can. If other areas of the relationship are good, use the porn to relieve your needs and deal with the fact your sex life is the typical married man's experience. After all, like yourself I can't stand 'just hurry up and get your rocks off type sex' you painfully described. I rather have just wank it to some porn than given that alternative. Heck might as well pay a hooker for that type of service but then that would be cheating and you don't want to go there. Best of luck to you Stayclose, I hope your wife realizes your more than just a wallet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StayClose Posted February 14, 2007 Author Share Posted February 14, 2007 Regarding my wife's therapy, her depression and anxiety issues predate her relationship with me, and it's too long of a story to describe here. In defense of her therapist, my wife sometimes speaks in exagerrated terms, so the articles about relationship stages were probably a result her describing my desired sex life as honeymoon style (several times a day - multiple Os almost every time). I agree this is not realistic for most couples after 10 years, even those without kids. While I'm not privy to the details of her sessions, I do know that she has explained that sex is men's "love language" and that men do not feel loved unless they are having sex regularly. She is aware of this, but the problem is "unclenching" enough to let her natural libido to it's thing. She feels pressure from me to have sex, and that just increases her anxiety. (By the way, I'd like to go to a couple sessions with her, but she doesn;t feel ready for that. I've often thought it would be good to have a "relationship referee" to help us with our issues.) As for the porn thing, I've been doing that anyway, and I wanted to put that on the table as a wake-up call for her. I've read that for some couples, affairs or threats of affairs are a wake-up call for the low-libido spouse. I think for us affair talk would be a neutron bomb in our relationship, but the notion of replacing real sex entirely with porn (which I really don't want to do) is a lite version of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 How long have you been married? Was sex an issue early in the relationship, or was it once 'normal' and now you are sexless? Do you have kids? (sorry if you have said all this, but with all these threads, I get some of you guys confused, lol.) Since I don't know what her issues are, I feel weird saying you should handle it this way or that. She may be very fragile, she may be using her anxiety and depression as a crutch and an excuse. You didn't mention if she is taking meds? How long has she been in therapy? I am highly suspect of people who are in therapy for years, and aren't making progress. I find that many of these types aren't looking to change, but they are looking for a sympathetic shoulder, validation for their feelings, etc. And this keeps them in this perpetual victimhood. You probably have a feeling one way or the other on this, and my advice would be that if she is the perpetual victim type, start pushing harder and forcing her to hear you and your concerns. (Just leave the old gf's out of it, lol.) Unfortunately, if she is the victim type, she is most likely also very egocentric, and likely not willing to compromise to meet your needs. And if that's the case, you can choose to deal with it, or choose to leave. But you need to make a choice, not sit there and be miserable, and make her miserable, you know? I really feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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