Question from a Newbie

[Impudent Oyster]

Hi, I am a longtime lurker (no really, I'm not kidding!) and I was reading the "shark" thread when I came across a post that prompted me to register and ask a question. I really don't want to get involved with the shark thread, so here it goes, I think it deserves it's own post.

 

"Originally Posted by sadbuttrue

well, why are these MM bored with their lives then? if their wives were so great and they love them so much, why do they get bored with them?"

 

What difference does it make WHAT the state of a married man's marriage, it's really none of an OW's concern. A mans boredom (or more likely willing to take what's offered), is his problem, no one else's.

 

Here's my question, is it the OP's job to keep the MP from being bored? Why?

 

[sadbuttrue]

io, i was responding to something someone else had posted when i said that. i did not "offer" myself to MM, we developed a friendship that turned into more. i do not feel like i have to keep him from being bored, but i do listen to him and love him and hold him when he is upset. i care about him and i tell him this. i show my love for him, and i think that is what he is missing at home. his wife does not show him how much she loves him anymore.

[tinktronik]

io, i was responding to something someone else had posted when i said that. i did not "offer" myself to MM, we developed a friendship that turned into more. i do not feel like i have to keep him from being bored, but i do listen to him and love him and hold him when he is upset. i care about him and i tell him this. i show my love for him, and i think that is what he is missing at home. his wife does not show him how much she loves him anymore.

He's missing it at home , because he does not take it home at all. He takes it to the third person who is intervening in his marrige. Its like having a stop gap.

[Impudent Oyster]

So if someone else's child claims (emphasis on the word claims, because let's face it, you haven't a clue as to how he and his wife interact in the privacy of their own home), that their parents are mean to them, should you adopt them?

MM'S MARRIAGE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX IT.

 

Comprende?

 

If he needs love, let him get divorced and go look for it like a real man.

[sadbuttrue]

i am not claiming that his M is my business, but when he comes to me and needs me, then i am there for him. i love him and would do anything for him, if he wanted to work on his M, i would totally step aside. comprende?

[tinktronik]

i am not claiming that his M is my business, but when he comes to me and needs me, then i am there for him. i love him and would do anything for him, if he wanted to work on his M, i would totally step aside. comprende?

But you are inserting yourself into his M , you can't deny that. Why would you want to be a part of someone else's marrige?

[Impudent Oyster]

i am not claiming that his M is my business, but when he comes to me and needs me, then i am there for him. i love him and would do anything for him, if he wanted to work on his M, i would totally step aside. comprende?

 

Why are you there for him? He isn't "there" for you.

 

And he's not going to work on his marriage so long as his wife is in the dark and you're putting out. The big dummy doesn't think anything is wrong with his marriage, he just thinks he's having it all, and you're letting him.

[sadbuttrue]

i do not feel like i am a part of his M. his W does not know about me. i love him and that is why i continue. if i was having dinner with them and sleeping in their bed every night, then i would feel lilke i was inserting myself into their marriage

[outofdarkness]

yeah, I don't know if I would have worded it quite the same, but your words are my sentiments...Remember that like all BS's OW's are subject the all lies as well. I have said before and will say again, if he/she lies to us, why would OW/OM be any different? I can answer that for you...Both of my H's OW's and there were more, were told lies about everything from the way he felt about them to what I liked to eat/fix for breakfast...Get it??? MM are involved in A's because they are liars...NOT because the W is not good enough or b/c he gets bored...That's stupid...Why would he not get bored with the OW then? Answer is that he DOES a great deal of the time and moves back home or on to the next OW...All of my H's OW's were told that THEY were the only ones in order to gain their trust...Sorry Y'all, but that's just the way it is in MOST cases...Not saying there are not real feelings in many cases, but by nature, A's don't last and are used just as we are...

[sadbuttrue]

Why are you there for him? He isn't "there" for you.

 

And he's not going to work on his marriage so long as his wife is in the dark and you're putting out. The big dummy doesn't think anything is wrong with his marriage, he just thinks he's having it all, and you're letting him.

 

well, i enjoy being with him as well, so i guess we both get something we want out of it. he is there for me as much as he can be.

[Impudent Oyster]

his W does not know about me.

\

 

Of course she doesn't know about you, if she did, either you or he would be history. How long do you think he's going to be able to keep up the charade?

 

Good luck with that.

[sadbuttrue]

\

 

Of course she doesn't know about you, if she did, either you or he would be history. How long do you think he's going to be able to keep up the charade?

 

Good luck with that.

 

i actually wish she did know. it would definitely cause him to make a decision, or she would make it for him.

[Impudent Oyster]

i actually wish she did know. it would definitely cause him to make a decision, or she would make it for him.

 

Well that is easily remedied, just call her up and let her know what a lying bastard her husband is.

 

If you TRULY wanted her to know, you could make it happen, so you'll forgive me if I don't believe you for one minute.

[outofdarkness]

You are "inserting" yourself in their marriage simply by taking what he should be getting at home. There's no energy or umph left for him to take home..You've sucked it all up..no punn intended! He's exhausted and high on the sexual energy by the time he gets home to us! He does not need to talk about anything, feel anything, touch anything, just eat and go to bed...As you said...A M is more then just a place to eat and sleep! I am NOT putting all of the blame on OW's..MM's are just as much to blame...It takes two to tango and I don't believe in the old "home wrecker" saying...I DO think ya'll need to understand that your A does not stop when he goes home. He brings YOU home, the way you feel, taste, your opinions on how the kids should be disciplined and how you think the meat loaf should taste...It all comes home to us in one form or anther. If we're lucky, it's not abusive on his part, but many times, this is the case due to him feeling extreme anger at himself and guilt over what he's doing. Noone seems to talk about this dark aspect of A's, but it happens to so many of us. OW's are not immune, although mostly they are treated very well so as not to loose your catering to his every whim. It's harder for us to do that b/c we have children, aging parent's, pets, jobs, homes to maintain, mortgages to pay, etc...Not saying you all don't have responsibilities, but the majority I don't think take this into consideration....Just my opinions...Not meant to hurt anyone's feelings directly...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

No offense taken, OOD. I think you, of all the BS, show a real sense of sharing understanding with the OW side of the fence, which IMO is what the site should be about - the sharing and understanding of perspectives.

 

My answer to the OP's question of: Is it the OW's responsibility to keep the MP from being bored?

 

It is not my responsibility in any way to keep my MM from being bored. It was not boredom that ignited our relationship. Neither was it was being in a "Bad Marriage" because from all accounts, he wasn't.

 

He simply changed from the day he got married when he was very young. He changed, his wife changed, their lives changed. Just like I changed through my formative years.

 

My MM has a relationship with me. He has now separated. It took him a long time to make the choice to do this, but he did it, not because of me, but because his M wasn't working anymore. It happens.

 

And yes, I "comprende", I would not want to "fix" my MM's M. It's not my responsibility. It's his and his W's. He chose not to.

 

Finally, I see LITTLE difference to this post and the "Sharks" post. They are both baiting BW's against OW/OM. Continually, it's a post about OW being ridiculously needy women desperately vying for attention from their MM (who's apparently getting their cake and eating it, something that was never apparent in the pain my MM went through in deciding to end his M) - if it wasn't for those pesky OW, everything would be just fine and dandy. Right?

 

Wrong.

[Impudent Oyster]

I have no problem with the relationship between MM and you, EXCEPT that you couldn't wait until he finally decided to get out of the marriage before starting it.

[Salicious Crumb]

Or here is the other thing about MP and the OP. They are cheating on their spouses...what makes these OM/OW think they won't do the same thing to them too?

 

Pretty damn stupid.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

IO - no, I couldn't wait. And neither could he. That's right. And that's why, in the dictionary, there is the definition of "Affair" and "Infidelity". In a perfect world, every MM would walk into his house and say "I'm not happy. Lets end our marriage. There's an OW who I would like to get involved with after we D" whilst OW would walk round saying "Yes, I have the love feelings for you, but don't even contemplate speaking to me until you have a D paper to show me".

 

Perfect, yet unrealistic, world.

 

SC - not every MM or MW is a serial cheater. I am neither "pretty damn stupid" nor am I ignorant of the fact that cheating can happen in any relationship, married or not.

 

I chose to take love when love came along. I am happy that I chose it.

[outofdarkness]

IO - no, I couldn't wait. And neither could he. That's right. And that's why, in the dictionary, there is the definition of "Affair" and "Infidelity". In a perfect world, every MM would walk into his house and say "I'm not happy. Lets end our marriage. There's an OW who I would like to get involved with after we D" whilst OW would walk round saying "Yes, I have the love feelings for you, but don't even contemplate speaking to me until you have a D paper to show me".

 

Perfect, yet unrealistic, world.

 

SC - not every MM or MW is a serial cheater. I am neither "pretty damn stupid" nor am I ignorant of the fact that cheating can happen in any relationship, married or not.

 

I chose to take love when love came along. I am happy that I chose it.

I don't mean to butt in but I don't think YOU were being called stupid in a personal sense, just the idea of the whole thing....At least, that's how I read it.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I don't mean to butt in but I don't think YOU were being called stupid in a personal sense, just the idea of the whole thing....At least, that's how I read it.

 

But I am an OW, OOD, and as SC said: "Or here is the other thing about MP and the OP. They are cheating on their spouses...what makes these OM/OW think they won't do the same thing to them too?

 

Pretty damn stupid"

 

That means it is directed at me, and at all OW/OM and MM/MW involved in an A. It's just another massive generalisation, which fosters no understanding of either party.

[Impudent Oyster]

It's just another massive generalisation, which fosters no understanding of either party.

 

Actually, it's a statistic that's borne out in fact. The overwhelming majority of MM who marry their OW will also cheat on them.

 

Of course, you could be the exception to the rule, or "massive generalization".

[outofdarkness]

But I am an OW, OOD, and as SC said: "Or here is the other thing about MP and the OP. They are cheating on their spouses...what makes these OM/OW think they won't do the same thing to them too?

 

Pretty damn stupid"

 

That means it is directed at me, and at all OW/OM and MM/MW involved in an A. It's just another massive generalisation, which fosters no understanding of either party.

ok...I see your point..should have read it with more care...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Actually, it's a statistic that's borne out in fact. The overwhelming majority of MM who marry their OW will also cheat on them.

 

Of course, you could be the exception to the rule, or "massive generalization".

 

Here's another couple of statistics for you...

 

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)

 

90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong (America Today)

 

Those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives and entrepreneurs) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

 

Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives." [Associated Press]

 

So, the figures either say, don't believe everything that statistics tell you, or that humans are for a fact non-monogamous by nature.

 

These statistics are all within USA by the way, the statistics are different in the UK.

[frannie]

Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives and entrepreneurs) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

 

Out of a survey of 4,100 men, 3% of them admitted they met their current spouse as a result of an affair.

 

How many met their current spouse under those circumstances and didn't say so?

 

I've looked and looked, and this is the only survey I can find that has any figures on this, and it's flawed in itself. People on this board say all the time... no one knows how their marriage started as an affair. How can the figures reflect reality..?

[Impudent Oyster]

Of all of my friends, none married someone they were having an affair with (couldn't be, they're all on their first marriages), except one. I have one friend who married a divorced man, and he may have only been separated when they met, or who knows, maybe he WAS still married.

 

They filed for divorce last month.