Question from a Newbie

[erika2610]

I think it means you both have your invisble buttons on.

[Impudent Oyster]

Erika, your button is green!

[sb129]

Huh?

I don't get it. I don't want to be invisible.

[frannie]

Is he getting divorced or what? What's he waiting for?

 

Oh, that's right. He hasn't even told his wife about you yet. That would be nice of him, don't you think?

 

Not really, no, I don't.

 

And you've read the thread, so I guess you know the facts.

[Just 'nother MM]

Well Just'notherMM, I would like to take this opportunity to applaud you for putting yourself out there. I think your take on things is invaluable to these kinds of discussions, otherwise not all sides of the story are being covered.In an A there is so much hurt, mistrust, deception etc, so its easy for alot of people on here to fling insults and angry comments, more often than not because they are still hurting themselves. I appreciate that sometimes affairs can result in a good relationship. What I am trying to say is that each situation is different, and usually has three sides to it. I think that the few MM and MW that DO post on LS have just as much right to tell their story. I also think that they are brave, as they know they are risking being flamed, and post anyway.

 

I share your wish, sb129, that more MM's posted more frequently on this board. I agree with you that without their voices, something may be missing from the overall discussion. And the "hurt, mistrust and deception" you speak of affects all parties to an affair. Even the big, bad MM.

 

I have a decent, (low) six-figure income and my work is respected. I have a modest, but well appointed home that I (used to) share with my wife and children. My wife, in fact, is a very physically attractive, highly educated woman. My kids go to great schools.

 

Why then, am I struggling with a powerful attraction I developed with a woman who isn't my wife? To be able to "have my cake and eat it?" Why would I risk everything in this way? I ask myself these questions all the time. I ask my psychologist. I ask my Maker...

 

And I visit this board (and other websites), more frequently now than ever. I look to see if there are other MM's whose experience will perhaps help me find my way to stability and happiness. Maybe we'll all get lucky, and more MM's will share their perspectives...

 

Peace.

[frannie]

'nother MM... what is it that you're struggling with exactly..? Have you posted your story somewhere..?

 

Also, have you read my MM's thread on Separation and Divorce..? There are other MM on that forum too, some still in touch with their OW, some not. None of them happy in their marriages. Maybe you have something in common with some of them..?

[Just 'nother MM]

'nother MM... what is it that you're struggling with exactly..? Have you posted your story somewhere..?

My wife is a good person - like I've said, intelligent and beautiful. But we don't communicate with each other well. We haven't slept in the same bed in years. There's been so much anger (much of it mine) and confrontation even before my affair. If we didn't have children, we wouldn't still be married (she's even said that).

 

Then I met a woman at a new job I assumed last year. Like my wife, she is beautiful. In fact, they share some physical characteristics: both are olive skinned with long, dark hair. I didn't worry at first, because I meet attractive women in my work often enough, and I've never cheated, even "emotionally." But over time, she took my wife's place as my primary recreational companion. We did all the usual things - lunches, after-work drinks, etc. - and my affection grew to the point where I now feel that I love this woman.

 

I no longer sleep at home, but I still go there everyday to take our kids to school. I spend most of every weekend there, mostly with the children. And now I am working with a therapist, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do next. Legal separation? Divorce? Who knows...

 

Also, have you read my MM's thread on Separation and Divorce..? There are other MM on that forum too, some still in touch with their OW, some not. None of them happy in their marriages. Maybe you have something in common with some of them..?

I'll take a look. Which thread is his?

Thank you, frannie.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

I no longer sleep at home, but I still go there everyday to take our kids to school. I spend most of every weekend there, mostly with the children. And now I am working with a therapist, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do next. Legal separation? Divorce? Who knows...

.

 

I see a lot of "I" "I" "I" in there, what about your wife? What is SHE going to do next? Is she happy with the status quo? Do you think her needs are being met?

 

Why don't you try talking about it with her?

 

Call me crazy but I don't think you fix a relationship by starting another one. Why don't you finish what you started with your wife before you make a bad situation worse?

 

If you divorce, fine, then you can pursue this new relationship with a clear conscience and without causing pain to your family AND your OW.

[Just 'nother MM]

I see a lot of "I" "I" "I" in there, what about your wife? What is SHE going to do next? Is she happy with the status quo? Do you think her needs are being met?

 

Why don't you try talking about it with her?

 

Call me crazy but I don't think you fix a relationship by starting another one. Why don't you finish what you started with your wife before you make a bad situation worse?

 

If you divorce, fine, then you can pursue this new relationship with a clear conscience and without causing pain to your family AND your OW.

 

You see a lot of "I's" for the reason I mentioned: my wife and I do not communicate well. We can't talk about certain subjects without taking verbal shots at one another. But it's not for a lack of trying on either part. For what it's worth, we are going to begin MC in the next week or so. We'll see how that goes.

 

And "I" agree with you that an affair often makes a bad situation worse, at least in the short run. But "I" think it's important to remember that the tragedy and pain an affair causes could, in the long run, serve as an important turning point in a marriage. An affair can force you to look at your own constitution, to thoroughly examine the experiences that contribute to your own makeup. It can force to you scrutinize your marriage and the reasons why you got married and had children in the first place. It can help you see the errors that were made along the way, by both parties. It is often the case that certain errors, if ignored, lay a foundation for significant marital problems.

 

Is an affair destructive? Of course it is. Could "I" have handled myself differently? Yes. But at this point, beating myself up for selfishly spending time with another woman is of little value to me and no comfort to my wife. The goal now is to work towards healing. "I" need to heal myself and repair the relationship with my wife so we can continue to raise, educate and empower our children. And we will do this, even if we have to do it as a divorced couple.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Impudent Oyster]

Y An affair can force you to look at your own constitution, to thoroughly examine the experiences that contribute to your own makeup. It can force to you scrutinize your marriage and the reasons why you got married and had children in the first place. It can help you see the errors that were made along the way, by both parties. It is often the case that certain errors, if ignored, lay a foundation for significant marital problems.

 

 

I know all about it sweetie, I lived it.

[Just 'nother MM]

I know all about it sweetie, I lived it.

 

Would you mind sharing the outcome (if you haven't already on another thread)? And I take it you were the betrayed spouse?

[Impudent Oyster]

I don't mind. I've been married a long time and have great teenaged kids.

 

My husband had an affair nearly 3 years ago, and we're very happily reconciled, but it doesn't sound like our marriage had deteriorated as much as yours did. In fact, it hadn't deteriorated at all, we communicated, we laughed, we had a great sex life, by all accounts, we were happy. Prior to the affair, my husband expressed his desire to have a recommitment ceremony, which I thought was kind of corny, but I was absolutely SHOCKED to discover the affair.

 

It wasn't long, only a few months, and according to him, he had ended it just prior to d-day. Of course I'll never know if that's the truth, but I chose to believe it.

 

He never blamed me, he acknowledged that there wasn't anything wrong with our marriage, he initially did blame the OW for pursuing him (hello, he could have said NO), but he finally accepted full responsibility. I think that's what made reconciliation easy.

 

I will have trust issues forever, our marriage will never be the same for the simple fact that I can never trust him, but what we have is to good to throw away because of that. I honestly feel that there is NO ONE I would ever trust again.

 

If you want to make your marriage work, I suggest you come clean and put it all out on the table. Make your life an open book, be completely accountable because that's the only way it has a chance. Oh and, you have to have no contact with the OW. If that means leaving your job, so be it.

 

On the other hand, If you want to be with the OW and you TRULY love her and aren't just infatuated, then respect your wife enough to let her have her freedom to pursue a man who can give her what she needs.

 

And for godsake NEVER say you're staying "for the children". That's a crock, children don't need or want unhappy, unfaithful parents.

[frannie]

And for godsake NEVER say you're staying "for the children". That's a crock, children don't need or want unhappy, unfaithful parents.

 

No, as I've said time and again... men don't stay 'for the children' so much as 'so they can see the children'. Society, whoever that is, needs to sort that out. Then, believe me, there would be a lot less infidelity. Of course there would also be far fewer long-term marriages.

[frannie]

I'll take a look. Which thread is his?

Thank you, frannie.

 

 

This one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111068/

 

But there are a couple of others on the same forum that you may find useful. A lot of input, and MM making their feelings felt.

[Just 'nother MM]

My husband had an affair nearly 3 years ago, and we're very happily reconciled, but it doesn't sound like our marriage had deteriorated as much as yours did. In fact, it hadn't deteriorated at all, we communicated, we laughed, we had a great sex life, by all accounts, we were happy. Prior to the affair, my husband expressed his desire to have a recommitment ceremony, which I thought was kind of corny, but I was absolutely SHOCKED to discover the affair.

So, why the affair? Was it the ego gratification from the OW? Did he figure out what inside of him caused him to do this?

 

He never blamed me, he acknowledged that there wasn't anything wrong with our marriage, he initially did blame the OW for pursuing him (hello, he could have said NO), but he finally accepted full responsibility. I think that's what made reconciliation easy.

I don't blame my wife for my affair. That was my doing. But we both failed in our marriage, well before the affair. Sometimes she has a hard time separating the two issues. I get the sense from you, though, that I should assume complete responsiblity for all wrongs...is that accurate?

 

I will have trust issues forever, our marriage will never be the same for the simple fact that I can never trust him, but what we have is to good to throw away because of that. I honestly feel that there is NO ONE I would ever trust again.

How does this affect your day-to-day interaction? For instance, does your husband tell you where he is at all times? Do you check up on him? Do you worry when he's not home?

 

Oh and, you have to have no contact with the OW. If that means leaving your job, so be it.

My OW left my job 2 days ago. But no contact will still be hard...

 

On the other hand, If you want to be with the OW and you TRULY love her and aren't just infatuated, then respect your wife enough to let her have her freedom to pursue a man who can give her what she needs.

Fair enough. My thinking is this, though: if the OW and I can maintain NC, I continue individual and marriage counseling and stay separated, then I will be in a better position to make a decision. I never viewed this as choosing between my wife or the OW. For me, the decision is whether or not I will be 100% committed to reconciliation. Do I love my wife enough to put us both through that?

 

And for godsake NEVER say you're staying "for the children". That's a crock, children don't need or want unhappy, unfaithful parents.

Agreed. I've been happier since I started sleeping out of the house, even though it's more expensive and time consuming. But it's a temporary situation while I work through all these issues.

 

I must say, this has been a wonderful exchange! Thank you, I appreciate it...

[Impudent Oyster]

No, as I've said time and again... men don't stay 'for the children' so much as 'so they can see the children'. Society, whoever that is, needs to sort that out. Then, believe me, there would be a lot less infidelity. Of course there would also be far fewer long-term marriages.

 

Frannie, unless your MM is a drug addicted pedophile, there isn't a judge in the country who is going to prevent him from seeing his children. In fact, given that he only sees them on weekends now, his visitation post divorce would probably be such that he sees them MORE than he does now.

 

Come on, you know that.

[frannie]

Frannie, unless your MM is a drug addicted pedophile, there isn't a judge in the country who is going to prevent him from seeing his children. In fact, given that he only sees them on weekends now, his visitation post divorce would probably be such that he sees them MORE than he does now.

 

Come on, you know that.

 

He is with me 2-3 nights/days a week. The rest of the time, he is home. Add up how much time that is.

 

Compare that to 2-3 nights/days a fortnight with them.

 

YOU do the math(s).

[Impudent Oyster]

So, why the affair? Was it the ego gratification from the OW? Did he figure out what inside of him caused him to do this?

 

I get the sense from you, though, that I should assume complete responsiblity for all wrongs...is that accurate?

 

How does this affect your day-to-day interaction? For instance, does your husband tell you where he is at all times? Do you check up on him? Do you worry when he's not home?

 

My OW left my job 2 days ago. But no contact will still be hard...

 

Fair enough. My thinking is this, though: if the OW and I can maintain NC, I continue individual and marriage counseling and stay separated, then I will be in a better position to make a decision. I never viewed this as choosing between my wife or the OW. For me, the decision is whether or not I will be 100% committed to reconciliation. Do I love my wife enough to put us both through that?

 

 

I must say, this has been a wonderful exchange! Thank you, I appreciate it...

 

No problem, I wish I knew how to do the multiple quote thing, so just bear with me.

 

I think it was ego gratification. She flattered him enormously, he loved the attention.

 

If you really aren't responsible for the problems in your marriage, then don't assume responsibility, that's disingenuous, and I'm sure your wife will figure that out. You should however assume all responsibility for the affair, because problems in a marriage don't justify an affair. They're two separate entities.

 

I used to check up on him all the time, then I got tired of being his keeper. Now I almost never check up, once on a blue moon when the bad thoughts creep in, but that fades over time.

 

Only you know how much you love your wife and whether the effort is worth it. Personally with children, I think it is. Good luck.

[Impudent Oyster]

He is with me 2-3 nights/days a week. The rest of the time, he is home. Add up how much time that is.

 

Compare that to 2-3 nights/days a fortnight with them.

 

YOU do the math(s).

 

Frannie, it's an excuse. You KNOW that.

 

He could get shared custody, he could be with them every other weekend plus 2-3 days a week, that's the common visitation these days. Has he even investigated this? Has he consulted a matromonial attorney? I think he should, don't take my word for it.

[frannie]

Frannie, it's an excuse. You KNOW that.

 

He could get shared custody, he could be with them every other weekend plus 2-3 days a week, that's the common visitation these days. Has he even investigated this? Has he consulted a matromonial attorney? I think he should, don't take my word for it.

 

Well no, I don't think it's an excuse. Forgive me. But I don't.

 

Yes, it looks good on paper, and maybe some people can work round it, and maybe, just maybe, he will too. As I said in his thread. We're working on it. But please, don't dismiss it like it's 'an excuse'. It's not. It's difficult. IF you have a constructive comment to make on co-parenting then please, add it to the thread where it's been requested..?

 

It will help.

[Impudent Oyster]

IF you have a constructive comment to make on co-parenting then please, add it to the thread where it's been requested..?

 

It will help.

 

Weren't YOU the one who quoted me from my response to just another MM? YOU brought this up, not me. If you didn't want it discussed, then why oh why did you quote it and respond to it?

 

I'm sorry if you didn't get the response that you wanted, which would support your MM's claim that he would only see his children 2-3 days a fortnight, but that claim is patently FALSE.

 

I happen to have a lot of progessional experience in the matrimonial law field, so I hate to tell you this, but what your MM is saying is simply not true. He would probably see his children more after a divorce than he does now. As I said, if you don't believe me, consult an attorney. They'll tell you.

 

I don't see how this information isn't constructive.