Just a few words

[justice]

When I first started posting at LS, I was a newly betrayed wife.

I must say that I found great support and advice both here at the infidelity board and from the OW/OM board as well.

I just wanted to say to all of the new BS's here, that it takes alot of time, patience and work to save your marriage if that is what you really want.

It is also extremely important that both you and your spouse communicate honestly and I don't mean half truths, I mean brutally truthful even though it will hurt you to the bare bones of yourself it's something that must be if you are going to rebuild and keep your marriage. It can't be just one of you whole heartedly working on it and the other one half a**ing it and ducking whenever honest emotion comes up.

I know. Believe me, I wish I didn't. I worked on my M, but it was like trying to give a day old dead person mouth to mouth. It just does not work.

That's why I'm divorced today. I'm learning something new every second too. I'm learning who I am again and I'm also learning how to accept what happened in my marriage. Am I bitter? Yes, I still am. Do I still hurt over what was supposed to be a lifetime of us sharing? Yes. Do I still have the what if I'd of done this questions? You betcha. But I'm not dwelling on it, I can't. If I did that I couldn't go forward with my new life alone.

And yes, I'm still alone and I prefer it that way until I work on the issues that still haunt me as a side effect of my husband's adultery. I'd rather stay alone than to ever be lead on, lied to and gaslighted by someone that I had full trust in. Someone that hurt me so bad that I just wanted to crawl away and die rather than to feel that kind of pain again.

I no longer trust. I no longer feel the need to share my life with someone.

One day in the distant future maybe. What he did was wrong. Plain and simple. Adultery is a dirty word for a dirty act. He admitted there was no fault in my behalf, after the fact. Being human, I cannot say that I have no blame in the break up of my marriage, because I did to a certain extent. It does take two to break or make a marriage.

And I'm not "sharking" here because as I've said all of the ow's I've had contact with here have been very good to me, but there are those who, like the other woman in my marriage, seem to think that we wives do not exist. We do damn well exist. Try getting to know us, you'll see that we are real and we are human and we hurt just like you do when we are hurt by someone we loved and trusted. Just as we are asked to walk in the ow's shoes, you should walk in the shoes of a betrayed wife's shoes just once. Just as there are bad wives, there are also bad other women too.

But that doesn't mean we are all bad. It's just that some of us do have a very clear cut way of thinking that our spouses shouldn't cheat on us. That isn't why they married us, they married us out of love, they promised to love, cherish and honor us, and by cheating they did none of those things. I urge you to look long and hard at the stories here, not all of them have happy endings and just because you chose to sleep with someone else's husband or wife, it doesn't mean that we are to blame and that you are completely innocent.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone. It isn't intended to. Those of you who know me and know my story, also know that I respect mostly everyone here. It is the ow/om without a conscience that I speak of.

[outofdarkness]

When I first started posting at LS, I was a newly betrayed wife.

I must say that I found great support and advice both here at the infidelity board and from the OW/OM board as well.

I just wanted to say to all of the new BS's here, that it takes alot of time, patience and work to save your marriage if that is what you really want.

It is also extremely important that both you and your spouse communicate honestly and I don't mean half truths, I mean brutally truthful even though it will hurt you to the bare bones of yourself it's something that must be if you are going to rebuild and keep your marriage. It can't be just one of you whole heartedly working on it and the other one half a**ing it and ducking whenever honest emotion comes up.

I know. Believe me, I wish I didn't. I worked on my M, but it was like trying to give a day old dead person mouth to mouth. It just does not work.

That's why I'm divorced today. I'm learning something new every second too. I'm learning who I am again and I'm also learning how to accept what happened in my marriage. Am I bitter? Yes, I still am. Do I still hurt over what was supposed to be a lifetime of us sharing? Yes. Do I still have the what if I'd of done this questions? You betcha. But I'm not dwelling on it, I can't. If I did that I couldn't go forward with my new life alone.

And yes, I'm still alone and I prefer it that way until I work on the issues that still haunt me as a side effect of my husband's adultery. I'd rather stay alone than to ever be lead on, lied to and gaslighted by someone that I had full trust in. Someone that hurt me so bad that I just wanted to crawl away and die rather than to feel that kind of pain again.

I no longer trust. I no longer feel the need to share my life with someone.

One day in the distant future maybe. What he did was wrong. Plain and simple. Adultery is a dirty word for a dirty act. He admitted there was no fault in my behalf, after the fact. Being human, I cannot say that I have no blame in the break up of my marriage, because I did to a certain extent. It does take two to break or make a marriage.

And I'm not "sharking" here because as I've said all of the ow's I've had contact with here have been very good to me, but there are those who, like the other woman in my marriage, seem to think that we wives do not exist. We do damn well exist. Try getting to know us, you'll see that we are real and we are human and we hurt just like you do when we are hurt by someone we loved and trusted. Just as we are asked to walk in the ow's shoes, you should walk in the shoes of a betrayed wife's shoes just once. Just as there are bad wives, there are also bad other women too.

But that doesn't mean we are all bad. It's just that some of us do have a very clear cut way of thinking that our spouses shouldn't cheat on us. That isn't why they married us, they married us out of love, they promised to love, cherish and honor us, and by cheating they did none of those things. I urge you to look long and hard at the stories here, not all of them have happy endings and just because you chose to sleep with someone else's husband or wife, it doesn't mean that we are to blame and that you are completely innocent.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone. It isn't intended to. Those of you who know me and know my story, also know that I respect mostly everyone here. It is the ow/om without a conscience that I speak of.

I will read some of your threads..I really liked this one...Thank you for reminding me of some very important things...I too, am a BS...It's been 2 and 1/2 years and the pain some days, is as if it just happened. Fortunately with time and lots and lots of MC and IC...It's much better. Time really does do alot as far as healing...Thanks again for the words of encouragement. I don't post on infid. as much now b/c the OW forum has done so much for me as far as understanding the whole dynamic of the A...I think it's important to realize that all involved are people, we all have feelings and we have all made mistakes. A marriage with problems, a spouse with problems, any way you look at it, it can be a recipe for an A...Sometimes, they just happen, and sometimes, it better that they do b/c two people are not meant to be together, or rather two people ARE meant to be together...Sometimes, it's a huge wakeup call to the married couple to work on their marriage...not necessarily just about the A but the issues that may have contributed to the birth of the A to begin with...Thanks again!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Justice, I really liked your post too.

 

I am an OW and I have seen the pain in the BW's eyes. I was partly to cause from that and it has brought me much pain and guilt.

 

You sound like you are in full control of your life and I'll certainly have a read through your old posts, I've only been a member here since December.

 

Can I also had, it's refreshing to read a post that includes both BW/MM and OW into the situation.