tips on dealing with being alone?

[just_a_girl]

I know its very hard to not focus on wanting to be in a relationship. I constantly long to be in one, however i also know that not being in one has its benefits also... i need to learn more about myself.

 

Any tips for dealing with being alone and making yourself happy while not in a relationship would be great.

 

I am personally finding it hard not to remenise about my past relationship.

 

I also find it hard to get out and do things by myself when i have never done it before. Sure, its easier said than done.

 

Any advice??

[Tony T]

You will never be able to be in a healthy, satisfactory relationship until you learn to love yourself and your own company.

 

People who attain lasting love relationships are those who come from the strength of being alone and being at ease with their own thoughts and personalities.

 

A great number of people are shattered at the thought of being alone and they spend many years going from relationship to relationship. They will not get out of one without having their feet very firmly implanted on another. Their insecurities and other issues make them very risky to take on as partners.

 

It's only natural to want to have someone special in our lives. But until we hold our ownselves as our first and foremost special person, others will take on no significance. If we must live by merging ourselves with another person....getting lost in them....then our own lives cease to be rich or fulfilling.

 

First learn to love yourself and be happy with being yourself. Use your alone time to get to know yourself better and enjoy doing things with yourself. Take walks alone...go shopping alone...take drives alone...go to the movies alone. Learn that you can do very well without another person being around. Once you have pulled that off successfully, people will notice that since you love yourself and respect your ownself to a high degree, then you certainly must be worthy of their attention.

 

The most attractive person in the world to the opposite sex is that person who is confident and happy with him or herself.

 

I have found, for myself, that psychologically healthy women are far more attracted to men they know can live their lives just fine without them. It takes a tremendous pressure off a relationship and frees both up to enjoy the wonders of being together instead of the pressures of propping one up...or both propping each other up.

 

There are a lot of extremely sick relationships out there. But the very best and most long lasting are those between people who were very happy with themselves and their lives before they got into the relationship.

 

Other people don't exist to fulfill us or to keep us from being lonely. Some of the loneliest people in the universe are in relationships. There is NOTHING more lonely than being in a bad or defective relationship. Relationships exist for happy people to enrich their lives even further by being with a healthy individual for all the right reasons.

 

No, go do your homework!!!

[Haley]

Everything Tony said is spot on, I couldn't really add anything useful. Like someone wise once said, we are all alone - being in a relationship just makes it easier to deal with. Well it depends on the relationship! But the key, I think, is to keep busy. If you sit around and "reminise" too much you could find yourself getting depressed or at least seriously bored. I say spend more time with your friends, or go out there and try to make new ones. I was married for 15 years and even though being single is quite liberating, the nights can get really lonely. Especially after a couple of glasses of wine, I often think about the intimacy we shared and want to do something stupid like call him to come over. Thankfully I've never succumbed. I find that getting on the phone to a friend, playing with my dog, or reading can get me through the toughest times. Then the sun comes up and I realise how lucky I am to be free of the shackles of a bad relationship. Good luck, I wish you well.

[just_a_girl]

Tony your approach to answering this question was great. A very detailed definitive response. However i was very much looking for more responses like Haley's. I like hearing about how others out there are coping with being alone.

 

Your response was great Haley. Thanx.

[butterflyz]

being alone.

 

think of all the things that you wanted to do but no one would do them with you. those are the things that you could start doing. if that means going to certain movies that only you were interested in seeing, etc.

 

the mindset needs to be that you are completely focused on you right now. there is nothing more important right now than you. hibernation is okay as long as you see it that way.

 

right now i am doing that. it's fine. i don't miss the b.s. of some person walking in and trying to take over my life. i don't miss having to deal with family dinners when they are not my family. i don't miss having to compromise my schedule to suit someone else's anal need to do things in a certain way (my ex husband). i am enjoying being selfish right now.

 

i am not in a position to be in a relationship right now. i am not in a state of mind where i would be a giving and loving partner. i wouldn't treat a man very well. i know this, so i stay alone. i probably will for a long time. that's okay. it doesn't bother me in the least.

 

i don't long for anything or anyone. it feels nice.

[quankanne]

this free time you've got to yourself. As much as I love my husband, it feels so good when he goes to visit his family for a couple of days. I get to rent movies *I* want to see, I can cook simple meals or eat at "girlie" restaurants and not get fussed for my decision, I can keep the TV off all evening, I can read in bed until the wee hours of the morning!!!!

 

seriously, though, you need to view this not as something bad or negative, but as a time to learn how to revitalize yourself. I think in the long run, you're going to appreciate these little things you can do for yourself, whether you're between relationships or find yourself alone for a couple of days while your man is gone.

 

What are some of the things you've wanted to try, but couldn't because you had "him" along? Go to a foreign flick? Listen to opera all night? Go tubing down the Guadalupe River? A lot of these things you can do alone, but if you don't feel comfortable, find a like-minded friend to share these experiences with.

 

I like to read a lot, and one of the most enjoyable "alone" times I can think of is going into my favorite restaurants with a good book for my lunch date.

[Ally Boo]

I'm dealing with the same thing...being alone. I really liked your advice.

[HokeyReligions]

way back when I was alone I made a decision to change my life. I had been a loner and would sit home all the time and not participate in life. I wasn't depressed but I decided one day that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that. So I made a list. (I'm am a habitual list-maker!)

 

What are your hobbies?

I like to knit and crochet and do craft projects

 

What is something you love?

I love animals fist and reading second

 

 

Do something with those things that you love and are your hobbies. I make crafts and rent tables at craft fairs and sell things. It brings in a little bit of extra money and I enjoy doing it and meeting people, and I love the ego boost I get when people compliment me on something I made.

 

I'm interested in scrapbooking now and have signed up for a class at my local hobby store. It's inexpensive and I will meet some new folks and decide if scrapbooking is something I want to pursue.

 

I love animals and I am very active with some shelters. I am a foster home for stray, abandoned, and abused animals sometimes. Before I was married and when I first moved to Texas, I became a docent (volunteer teacher) at the zoo. It doesn't require anything except time. I went through a short training period then began working on the weekends doing a variety of things. If I wasn't in a "public mood" then I would muck out the pens in the barn (some good physical activity!) or I would take animals out on the grounds and give what were known as "roving lectures" mostly to children. Sometimes I would lead a tour through various sections of the zoo and/or set up special events for kids. Sometimes we would take animals to special events away from the zoo and I would go along to help. It was great and I miss it. I can't do it anymore because we moved so far from the zoo and family came along and took up all my time. I guess I could do it again if I really wanted to.

 

Through my employer I am given the oppotunity to volunteer at a variety of special events like the International Festival. I hand out wrist badges and help other volunteers get to the areas they need to be. One time when the Smithsonian was in town my husband and I both volunteered and I (shy person that I am) ended up greeting people at the door and directing them to the exhibit! It was great to be a part of that.

 

Museums look for docents, hospitals need volunteers so do animal shelters. What about Big Brothers/Big Sisters? Or be a mentor? Or helping someone learn to read? Delivering meals-on-wheels? If you don't want to leave home there are programs through the United Way and various churches where you just call up some people every day to make sure they are okay. Usually they are elderly people who live alone and are unable to get out and have contact with others. A phone call to see if they are okay and chat about current events, or listen to them reflect is a treasured thing that makes a big difference to some folks.

 

Find something you like - and find a way to participate. Make a difference to someone else and you'll make a difference to yourself too.