DifficultEndings Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Without going into too much detail (I don't believe in posting my business on the 'net)...I'd like to ask a question. I just recently found out that my H is starting up yet another relationship, sexually based, with another woman out of state. He already has someone on the side while he is still married to me. I have this third woman's number and I have the OW's number as well. I'd like to bring them all together in a phone conference but I think that the first OW might be so in love with him that she will out me (to my H) before she gets a chance to here what I have to say. I'm not angry with her and I have no animosity towards her but I feel like she should know that she's not the only one and that they are both (as well as I) are involved with a broken man. How do I best go about this? The first OW has been involved with my H for a year. The new one has been involved for a few weeks at best. We have been married for 5 years with 3 small children. We have an out of town trip planned to see his family, should I wait until after that? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 What is it that you want to achieve..? To get them to see what he is, and stop being involved with him? If he's the person you are painting him, won't he just go on and get another OW and another..? Isn't it him you should be dealing with? Having said that, I suppose you could talk to the OOW and see if she wanted to talk to the OW and bring her into a conference. But really, I don't see the point. You're attempting to control all this out there... but it's not controllable as long as he is who he is... Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I have to agree with Frannie. What is it that you'd achieve by doing this? What would you hope to achieve? Do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you love him after knowing all this? You know, if I were you, I'd out the cheating scum to his family when you see them on that trip. Maybe if and when divorce proceedings are in place, that would be the time to tell the other women, not to have a telephone conference with them, but to give them each other's numbers with advice to have a conversation about insert_f*cked_up_husband's_name. At least you'd have the satisfaction of knowing he'll get a load more hassle, if nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DifficultEndings Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 My point is to let the other women know so they won't waste their lives on him. I am leaving him as well. I feel like it would be due justice. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Why do you care if they waste their lives on him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DifficultEndings Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Because I've wasted plenty of my life already. I wouldn't wish the pain I've gone through on anyone. Whatever he does once I'm gone is up to him. Call me compassionate, call me vengeful. But I'm going out with a bang. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Hmmm, well I can understand the revenge thing, although I still believe my suggestions are better. If they know he's married, and I'd be surprised if the first one doesn't, then forget compassion, she knows what she's dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Why not just divorce your serial cheating husband? The best revenge is silence and then you never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Fly My Pretties Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I think you should let the OW and the OOW know about each other. Why not? You didn't make any vows to them, as some OW are always keen to point out. Plus, there's nothing more guaranteed to drive an OW insane than when she discovers an OOW. And yes, this might be all about revenge on your part, but they didn't care about your feelings. People here will berate me for that, but I don't see why a BW suddenly has to be the one to consider everyone's feelings when she didn't get the same courtesy. And no, I'm not a BW... just someone who appreciates a good opportunity for revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Because I've wasted plenty of my life already. I wouldn't wish the pain I've gone through on anyone. no matter how good your intentions are to help another woman avoid falling under the lure of your husband, the fact is, a person who knowingly engages in an extramarital affair isn't going to consider any "help" or advice unless it jibes with his or her own feelings about the affair. Read some of the other posts on this forum that deal with adultery, there's especially one woman who feels her position is justified and (I suspect) starts up numerous posts to revel in her belief. Frankly, I find it sad to see someone lower her personal expectations by putting up with this kind of behavior from but hey! if she's is happy wallowing, I suppose that's all that matters. mind you, not everyone involved in a relationship with a married person is bad – some are in the dark about their lover and truly believe it's an above board relationship because there's no indication otherwise. my personal thought? give them each other's phone number and let them hash it out, because your scumbag ex is their problem now. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 If I were an OW or an OOW or even an OOOW, I'ld want to know. BUT as a BS, I'ld enjoy keeping the little secret to myself. I might however let it slip to WH that I had been consider letting them in on a little secret. I would NEVER out my H to his OW's - let them find out the hard way, not that all the evidence they need isn't staring them straight in the face. In the case of an OW/OOW situation I wonder which one he really loves? Link to post Share on other sites
Lezbean Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Congrats on leaving him DE!!! I think all the OW should be notified. He is boning them all. Just think what he might be spreading around. Ewwww, get yourself checked DE. He is probably full of STD's. Kinda serves the OW right if they catch it though (or maybe they gave him some) They know full well they are boning a MM. Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Without going into too much detail (I don't believe in posting my business on the 'net)...I'd like to ask a question. I just recently found out that my H is starting up yet another relationship, sexually based, with another woman out of state. He already has someone on the side while he is still married to me. I have this third woman's number and I have the OW's number as well. I'd like to bring them all together in a phone conference but I think that the first OW might be so in love with him that she will out me (to my H) before she gets a chance to here what I have to say. I'm not angry with her and I have no animosity towards her but I feel like she should know that she's not the only one and that they are both (as well as I) are involved with a broken man. How do I best go about this? The first OW has been involved with my H for a year. The new one has been involved for a few weeks at best. We have been married for 5 years with 3 small children. We have an out of town trip planned to see his family, should I wait until after that? Most likely they would not believe you. This happened to me and the only way the believed that he was a serial cheater was when one of them wrote me a D day letter, he stopped seeing all of them and they found out somehow; not thru me, about each other..In turn, they all spoke. It was better this way as to not involve mysef or our kids.Not that we weren't already involved simply by our existence, but I would not have wanted to talk to either one just to inform them of the other's involvement w/ my H... Link to post Share on other sites
cbl Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 for the OWs whose MMs travel frequently, they should be aware what they are dealing with. i agree with other posters.... what is it that you want to achieve? my xMM is a serial cheater who had constant affairs with almost 20 women (i am pretty sure his BW doesn't know the number) in his 26 years of marriage. they are still married to this day. while i just started seeing my xMM in the second month, his wife sent me an email (in a way that xMM did not know it was her; long story) with the email address of his yet another OW's email address and their email conversation. xMM and the OW (i was the OOW in that case) was still talking about meeting a month before we met and during the whole course of our R, xMM was still in touch with her. although not meeting. the wife later sent me emails and told me that she left her H in a way but she will remain married to him till the day she dies.... she thought we were just having physical affairs but it was a lot more than that. i apologized to her for causing her pain.... and i truely feel sorry for you, that your husband put you in this situation. if you have decided to leave your husband, and your husband is aware that you have their numbers and you know about the affairs, then i guess it doesn't matter if the husband finds out you are the one who give them each other's numbers. i mean, after all, you both know what you are dealing with and which way you are heading, for your marriage. i would even suggest that you forget about the OOW but your own and your children's welfare at this point of time since that's all that matters to YOU. if you want to stay in the marriage.... then do not expect people like them will change (i am sure you've known this) i see what kind of life my xMM's BW has and i can tell you living in lies for 26 years is just a waste of her life. and no, being an OOW i did not even bother contacting the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Hey Difficultendings....I am so sorry concerning your situation...5 yrs, he couldn't even stay faithful in that short of time, how pathetic. I can understand how you feel, wanting to blow his sceme out of the water, although I am sensing you would be opening doors that should remain closed until God opens them... What ever you choose, we are here for you....my prayers are definitely with you and the little ones....GBU!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 for the OWs whose MMs travel frequently, they should be aware what they are dealing with. i agree with other posters.... what is it that you want to achieve? my xMM is a serial cheater who had constant affairs with almost 20 women (i am pretty sure his BW doesn't know the number) in his 26 years of marriage. they are still married to this day. while i just started seeing my xMM in the second month, his wife sent me an email (in a way that xMM did not know it was her; long story) with the email address of his yet another OW's email address and their email conversation. xMM and the OW (i was the OOW in that case) was still talking about meeting a month before we met and during the whole course of our R, xMM was still in touch with her. although not meeting. the wife later sent me emails and told me that she left her H in a way but she will remain married to him till the day she dies.... she thought we were just having physical affairs but it was a lot more than that. i apologized to her for causing her pain.... and i truely feel sorry for you, that your husband put you in this situation. if you have decided to leave your husband, and your husband is aware that you have their numbers and you know about the affairs, then i guess it doesn't matter if the husband finds out you are the one who give them each other's numbers. i mean, after all, you both know what you are dealing with and which way you are heading, for your marriage. i would even suggest that you forget about the OOW but your own and your children's welfare at this point of time since that's all that matters to YOU. if you want to stay in the marriage.... then do not expect people like them will change (i am sure you've known this) i see what kind of life my xMM's BW has and i can tell you living in lies for 26 years is just a waste of her life. and no, being an OOW i did not even bother contacting the OW. yeah, it's a messy situation alright, when your dealing w/ a serial cheater..For ALL involved. Who knows who said what the whom at what time?? It all gets pretty crazy...As far as the traveling CH, well...It's tough. If they want to cheat, they'll find a way...Most likely, they will ONLY do it when they are traveling so as not to be seen and break the; "I'm cured" perception that the W has. I don't know about my H, he was a serial cheater when I caught him, and it's tough to break that b/c it's a compution Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Hi DE, I can understand the need for revenge and go out with a bang. I can understand getting it out in the open. But do you really want to deal with the after math? If you put it out there are you willing to follow through if the OW and OOW want something more? If you do decide, I'd make sure the D is final and have your say in court first. If you do it now it may come back to bite you. H may want his revenge and do something in terms of slowing down D or fighting alimony/child support. I say let the D be the revenge and take him by suprise that way first. Best to you! Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 yeah, it's a messy situation alright, when your dealing w/ a serial cheater..For ALL involved. Who knows who said what the whom at what time?? It all gets pretty crazy...As far as the traveling CH, well...It's tough. If they want to cheat, they'll find a way...Most likely, they will ONLY do it when they are traveling so as not to be seen and break the; "I'm cured" perception that the W has. I don't know about my H, he was a serial cheater when I caught him, and it's tough to break that b/c it's a compution oops, sorry I read that post wrong..thought it said BS's who have H who travel alot. I'm having an off day... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I think you should let the OW and the OOW know about each other. Why not? You didn't make any vows to them, as some OW are always keen to point out. And no, I'm not a BW... just someone who appreciates a good opportunity for revenge. I agree with you FMP: the OW should be told, that could be the impetus for her to leave and maintain NC... As for you not being a BW just someone who appreciates a good opportunity for revenge: I'm GLAD I'm not like you...how sad for you to be judge and jury in everyone else's lives and not your own... Link to post Share on other sites
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