Questions on new relationship, coping with old ones and women in general.

[badz2801]

Hey everyone

 

I have a few questions for people pertaining to relationships and being happy outside of one. Earlier this summer my girl friend parted with me and it has been a rough ride ever since. Now that I am over the hardest part of the break up I have found that I have run into several problems.

 

First I have found that I am unable to be happy now outside of a relationship. I can manage, and I still function, yet I miss companionship and find I think about it too much. In some ways I would say that I obsess over where I am going to find my next relationship and when it is going to occur. I remember how I use to be prior to dating Rachel and I could just live life. I was not really interested in dating anyone and was happy just being on my own. How would you suggest getting back to that state of mind. I think it is absolutely essential that I am happy with just being alone and confident before I get into another relationship.

 

I also still continue to have a problem with baggage. I consider my breakup with Rachel to be a bad one based on how close I thought we were and the feelings associated with that. Often I find that I am trying to get into another relationship to deal with the baggage associated with my previous one before I should. I also tend to be very negative towards relationships. In my age group you have to treat women like crap for them to respect you and want you. I am not that type of person and find that it causes women to take advantage of my kind nature. Knowing full well that they can have their fun and come back to me when they want (which I don't allow but that mentality still exists). I guess the question I am asking is how do you regain confidence that every woman that you date and show kindness too wont screw you over. Not that I am saying all women are like that, but after what I just went thru it seems that way. How should I treat my girl friends? Obviously kindness does not work and is often looked upon as weak?

 

Third I have a question about approaching women that you would like to date and you do not know them at all. Now some might say that you should not base who you want to date on looks, but in a college setting it is sometimes hard to get to know someone you pass by in the hall only. I have approached several women and asked if they would like to go do something some time (my success rate is about 40:60), yet many people feel very invaded by that approach. Its very hard in college to find and girl who wants a relationship and does not think your nuts for being interested when you have not even meet them. As a woman how would you like to be approached? What are some tricks (body language and otherwise) that will put others at ease when you approach them? I am not nervous and most of the time I have been told I come off as confident, yet I still feel like they are thinking "psycho".

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[yes]

for approaching college women:

 

don't ask them out right away!

just go up to them, start a conversation, make it short, and go away;

next time u see her, just say hi;

keep having short conversations with her whenever u bump into her;

at some point, see if she wants to grab a coffee - this allows for a longer conversation...

 

then, after a while, when she no longer feels like u'r a stranger, and u've had a chance to see if u'd actually wanna date her, you can ask her for her number ...

 

-yes

[butterflyz]

you need the time alone to cleanse yourself of the hurt feelings you have.

 

i, too, am a nice person. but, right now, if i were to be in a relationship i wouldn't be very nice, due to hurt feelings, as well.

 

why don't you rekindle some friendships with old buddies. or take a trip with a group from college. colleges always have ski groups, etc.

 

as far as approaching women, the best thing to do is to get to know them before asking them out. hang out at the student union or cafeteria and do your homework there. eventually you 'll notice who comes in during which periods due to breaks.

 

after a while just sit maybe diagonally across the table from someone who looks nice. and strike up a conversation.

 

good luck.

[badz2801]

Everyone thanks for your repies.

 

butterflyz - How long does the period of mourning last? Its getting really old thinking about her and knowing we will never be back together. I constantly wish things went differently and definatly feel a sense of betrayal. I often look at other women and think they are not good enough when there is nothing wrong with them. If they don't look like her or act like her I am not interested in them.

 

Would you all suggest that I go meet someone and just have a random hookup (sex) to get over her with? In your expereince does it actually help you to get over someone or does it just suppress it?

[butterflyz]

the answer is no.

 

sex with someone else does not help you recover from a loss. it only makes it worse.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by butterflyz

the answer is no.

 

sex with someone else does not help you recover from a loss. it only makes it worse.

 

I agree...and it makes things WAY more complicated...you get confused about your feelings, bc they all mush together. Whoever said the best cure for an ex, is a new gf, was REALLY wrong.

[badz2801]

Thanks for all of your replies everyone.

 

Well the other night on Halloween, I got trashed and started making out with some random girl that I did not know. One thing led to another, and I almost did the deed. What I realized was that I was pretending it was Rachel, and not this other girl. Needless to say I am happy things did not go further.

 

After my experience on Halloween, I know that another person will not help me to get over my ex. Yet despite that fact, I constantly think about finding a gf. It took me four years to find one that I thought was good.

 

Really at this point it feels like I am in no mans land. Neither looking, yet looking and not sure where to go. Activities make a difference but they only cover up the hurt feelings. I have been seeing a doctor about this, but after 5 months there is very little change. Has anyone here ever been unable to let go totally? She was my first serious girl friend and the first person I slept with so, that could definatly be a determining factor.

[travel_chick]

Don't know if you are still reading your replies but here's another one....

 

Firstly, some women will screw you over again. Some won't. Don't let that stop you from taking a chance and risking heartbreak again. Matters of the heart make life worthwhile.

 

Another thing...I see kindness as a strength. The older women get, the more they realise this is. A girlfriend who thinks you are weak because you are kind does not deserve you. I think you should find someone who sees your kindness as a virtue.

 

I had to let go someone I loved deeply and it was an extremely difficult thing to do. Luckily I was in a situation where I made loads of new friends and was very busy. It helped me cope.

 

Despite this, I still had awful feelings of loneliness and loss. So I took those feelings, put them in a hot air balloon and watched them float away. It took a while but pretty soon they had disappeared from view. This helped immensely in terms of accepting and letting go so I could move on. By physically letting go of my feelings I was able to do it emotionally as well.

 

Whenever the feelings came back to me I would do the same thing until eventually I accepted the separation.

 

I wish you well, because I am kind too, and do not see it as a weakness...especially if it exists in a man.

[badz2801]

Hey travel_chick

 

Thanks for your reply, it helps to see what other people think.

 

I think that Rachel and I are done for good. She has done too many things to hurt me (cheating, lieing, hateful actions, etc.) to get back with her. I would love to take her back, but I have learned that she appears to have a personality disorder. This would explain why she does this to whoever she dates. Thus, she is probably not a good investment, as it is likely to end in divorce.

 

I have found that being kind while nobel, is not a good thing to display often. I have learned to hide it and I generally only allow it to show for those I care about. Yes it does exist in men, however I can see how relationships can make it go away. It is part of my personality and will not totally go away. However, the next person that I date I am not going to show it too immediatly. Over time I am going to let it out when I can trust them and when I see respect in return. My mom deals with this same problem and I guess I got it from her.

 

I wish you luck in staying over your ex. Sometimes no matter how much time has passed the hurt can still be very strong. Not having someone else makes it even harder. Its good to know that someone would find kindness a virtue. Hopefully ill find someone near me who thinks that as well.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[travel_chick]

Sounds like you are well thought out regarding Rachel. Good on you, and I hope you do find someone!

 

Yeah I guess deep down, you never truely get over heartbreak. These feelings of ours are like scars on our hearts. They sometimes throb...and you just can't do anything about it.

 

But think of it...there are soooooooooooooooooooo many fabulous women out there for you just waiting to be discovered!!!!!! Wahooooooooooooooooooo!! You asked advice on women too...well...what works for one doesn't work for another so its hard to give good advice. Be a good listener. Be friendly but not overly friendly. Get to know her first and get her to know you...make the first move...even if she says no...she'll feel flattered that someone wants to ask her out...unless she is stunningly beautiful and everyone asks her out all the time and she just gets really sick of guys asking her out purely for her looks.

 

Here is something about women....slightly related to your question. ALL women worry about their BODY in SOME way...we are all insecure...EVEN the beautiful ones. So never MAKE NEGATIVE REFERENCES. You probably already know that tho.

 

Best wishes senor!

[AngelEyes]

To be honest with you I suppose the period of mourning depends on how strong this love was/is. I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years. I left him because he chose his drugs over myself and our daughter. I have went through ups and downs with it for a little over 4 years. I love him today as much as I did the day I fell in love. I do not know if the mourning ever ends. But it does get easier. It would be smarter for you to be by yourself for awhile. You seem to need a relationship to define yourself as a person. That is walking on shaky ground. I have since found the love of my life and I have married him. But there are still days that I miss my ex and reminis on old memories. Think about the good times you had, learn who you are, then let yourself move on. Sometimes you seem to almost need to give yourself permission. I know that it sounds funny, but thats what it feels like anyway. And that is the hardest part of letting go. Good luck.

[badz2801]

AngelEyes

 

 

Thank you for your reply. Sorry I have not been able to reply soon but I was in the Bahama's.

 

I know how you feel about your ex. I still love Rach to this day, but I think I have finally learned to let go. I don't think it really ever goes away. I hope you have found peace within yourself just the same as I have.

 

Hopefully one day I will be able to find a person who shares my love and dedication. Maybe this time I can find one that not only looks good but who also does not use drugs and has the ability to tell the truth.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[japan]

Only time will heal and help you to recover and move on. You will always think back and remember the times and love shared with others. It is sad. It is dear. It is painful. It is life. It will pass.