MotherGooze Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I really want to learn and trust someone. I come from a pretty bad childhood where my parents have lied to me troughout all my childhood and still do. I really have trustissues with everyone I meet. I don't trust my friends, my son, my boyfriend, I don't trust anyone and I really want to get rid of this aching feeling that everyone is doing things behind my back and the urge that I need to control every aspect of their lifes. So, I'm asking you, how do I learn and trust people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MotherGooze Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Cans omeone help? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I know how you feel... Give up trying to control anything... Because you can't control what other people do. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I don't think there is an easy, fix-all answer. I have always has a difficult time trusting anyone, or letting people close to me. (because of past experiences) It's an awful way to live. As I got older, I just found that I was able to trust someone after they had earned it, and didn't question their motives again - unless they gave me reason. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 First you have to go talk to a therapist. You have deep rooted trust issues, you were let down and betrayed by your parents - And those wounds and scars run deeply. I am sorry that they did mistreated you, it's not normal for parents to do that to their own child. It will take time - ANd you'll learn that not everybody is out to screw you over or hurt you, even though right now that is what it feels like...To be let down again and hurt by those who you love and love you. I really hope you work through all the issues and can find trust again. It will make you a happier person all around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MotherGooze Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 It going so far that I'm actuallly trying to manipulate my boyfriend so that I can control him. I know I'm doing things I shouldn't, but I always realise it too late. I need help soon before I ruin my own life Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 MG, that's a tough one. I'm not sure I have much to offer. I think I have pretty healthy ideas on trust. If I have erred, it has probably in trusting too quickly, but that hasn't been a real problem for me. I am fortunate that my trust has not been broken in damaging ways very often. My last husband violated my trust in a horrible way, but the solution for me was to cut him out of my life. That was easier than cutting him out of my heart, but that just took a few months time and ,voila! My problem was solved. I did not let his misuse of my trust affect my ability to trust others. As some have said, trust is earned more than given. I do tend to start off giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in small areas, not big ones like my livelihood or my children. When they show good judgment in small areas, they earn trust in bigger areas, and the cycle goes on until I deem them either completely trustworthy, or to a limited trust status. Some rise to my trusting them with my life, or my money, others are relegated to trusting them with carrying my garbage to the curb for me. There are levels. In matters of the heart I tend to trust a lot and really put myself out there. I've gotten pretty tough skin over the years and I give a lot unless they prove they are not worthy. Without trust, I cannot be with a man. It is the number one important factor and a definite deal breaker for me. That says a lot about how I DO trust, but doesn't help you in LEARNING to trust. I don't know if I can help at all, but is the lack of trust you have with your parents the same lack of trust you have with friends, your boyfriend and your son, or do they all differ? Is it just a basic survival instinct for you, or have each done something to you that makes you unable to trust them? I'm not really sure you to proceed. Manipulation will backfire, it will cause resentment, and control doesn't really exist. Control is very limited and even controlling oneself is difficult at times. Trust is a learned condition. It is learned by first understanding what it is and earning it, usually while a child growing up. Once earning it is obtained, trust is then doled out to others. I'm sure it can be learned as an adult, but I don't think I'm qualified to teach that particular lesson. Hopefully someone who has been there will have some tips. I'm sorry I'm not more helpful Link to post Share on other sites
Author MotherGooze Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 You know when I really think about I really want to trust everybody around me. They've been so good. My son is a little ray of sunshine, he's wonderful. I don't think he realises how hard I'm having it right now. Biggest problem is that I might ruin my relationship once again. I don't want that to happen. I want to trust him, and I want to give him the freedom he deserves, but there's always that aching feeling that comes back, like it's lurking somewhere in my heart and comes out right at the time where it shouldn't. I wish that feeling would go away. I feel as if I don't deserve to be with my boyfriend because of the things I do to him, but I don't want to lose him. I've never loved anyone like I love him before. It's thanks to him that I want to do something about my trust behaviour. Thank you drop dead legs for at least trying to help. I wish I had a healthy feeling just like you. Why can't those things just wash away, why is it so painful... Link to post Share on other sites
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