You're supposed to get my back, not stab me in it

[missdeathwish]

So, some of you might remember me from my long-term emoness regarding the guy who tore my heart out and took a crap in it. I wound up moving to Korea.

 

Allow me to introduce you to... The Mixed Messenger, a short novel by Miss Deathwish.

 

Anyway, met this nice guy, who was cute, really interested in me at first, and super-attentive. Like, I talked to him on a Saturday (when he asked me if I had a boyfriend), arranged to meet him on Wednesday, and he called and/or texted every night in between then. (That was late December.) While he told me he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship, his actions said otherwise. He was sharing very personal things with me, telling me that he didn't really have anyone else he could talk about these things with, spending 24 hours straight with me on one occasion, asking me if I wanted kids, yadda yadda. In essence, he was acting like he was really serious.

 

Anyway, we went out at least once a week for a couple of weeks, he continued to call, etc. Then there was a very bad night that involved him flirting with other girls in front of me and vice versa and me crying a lot a lot a lot. I decided to plead drunk. Stuff really went downhill from there.

 

Anyway, the next time we went out, he told me that the physical part of our relationship had to stop. I was really not happy about it. On the subway ride back, he kept touching me, playing with my hair, and so on. Then he gave me one of those lasts-too-long-is-a-bit-too-tight hugs accompanied by a rather tender kiss on the cheek.

 

He started ccalling and texting with a lot more frequency, always asking me if I was okay, where had I been on the weekend, was I going out this weekend, and so on. For two weeks, in fact, I never initiated contact with him... it was always him. I had taken a break from seeing him. I eventually dropped him a text, which he returned with a call immediately. He was yawning, which I thought was an attempt at telling me that he didn't want to talk, but he insisted that he did, so I met up with him. A vendor gave him a free DVD, which he let me choose. I got Saw III and he told me that he loved movies like that, but couldn't watch them alone. Then we got drinks and had more deep personal conversation, which included him asking me what had been bothering me lately. I told him I wanted to keep that to myself for awhile. He pouted and said that he was keeping things to himself, too. Then another hug and kiss good-bye.

 

But one day I decided to go out with a group that included him. He was kind of weird. He ignored me, then flirted with me, then flirted with my roommate and co-worker in front of me. I was pissed at the roommate for reciprocating and split. He texted me three hours later asking if I'd been okay.

 

The next time we got together (to watch Saw) he went over and started talking to my roommate. I mean, that's allowed, they're friends, but don't flirt with each other in front of me. Anyway, point is, on the way out, I (you go girl!) let him know that the mixed messages were not making for a happy Deathwish.

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

me: So, earlier you asked why I left so abruptly on Saturday. The thing is, I'm feeling like I've been getting mixed messages from you. I have feelings for you, so I can't have that. It makes me frustrated and it confuses me. Either you're into me or you're not.

him: *pause*

me: Well, here we are. Go ahead and grab your taxi.

him: No, I'm not in any hurry. I want to talk to you.

me: (internally: *sigh* Oh brother. Be strong. Don't cry.)

him: I like you, and I like hanging out with you. But I can't give you what you want. Blah blah blah about taking care of myself. If you don't call me for a week, or two, I'm not going to read too deeply into that, because I don't read into those things (side note: bull****, I know he frets). Blah blah blah take care of yourself. And if you don't want to be friends anymore, I won't be sad. (OUCH! WORST THING EVER TO SAY TO ANYONE!) I mean, I'm not the type of person to have feelings for people, but if I had feelings for a friend and it didn't work out, I don't know if I'd want to be friends with her.

me: (at this point, I'm about ready to cry) Well, I'm going back. Get your taxi. (insert arm pat here)

him: No, wait, give me a hug. (gave me a non-loaded, one-armed, no-kiss hug)

me: (walking away, thinking "don't look back. don't look back. don't look back.")

 

So now I'm left feeling sad, used, confused, paranoid (about him hooking up with the roommie and/or coworker), and angry. I wish not liking somebody made it easier to stop loving/wanting them.

 

Any good coping mechanisms? I'm trying to find other things to do with my Saturday nights so I can avoid that group. It'll be hard to not see him, and hard to leave stuff to my imagination, but I know it would be harder to see it.

 

Any other good tips? I know that I'm just going to be destroyed for awhile, because in addition to losing a relationship, I lost hopes, expectations, assumptions, etc. I really need to get better at not letting myself feel for others. Grr.

 

Any advice or comforting words appreciated. Also, if you're in Seoul and would like to hang out with an emo girl drinking gin, smoking hookahs, or shopping for art supplies/makeup/clothes/shoes (probably not all at once), let me know!

[Kamille]

Hi Deathwish,

 

I don't really have any advice. I think you're doing great already. You know what you want and you're not letting some loser (if you don't want to be friends anymore, I won't be sad? who says that?) toy with you in the hopes of changing his mind. Good job.

 

I think the confusion and anxiety you are feeling right now is residual. Do what you set out to do. Avoid situations where he will be - when he does approach to try to put his hook in you - keep sending him the message that you are not into mixed signals. It shows him that you are strong and that you know you are worth more then silly games.

 

But it doesn't matter what he thinks because, come on, what a loser. Does he think he's a hotshot or something? He sounds incredibly concerned about his image. (Again, who asserts that they're not the kind to have feelings for people? What?).

 

As for the flirting going on with friends and roomates - that one is tougher. If they are very close trustworthy friends you could ask them to keep him off-limit for awhile. But with some people, as you might guess, this only adds fuel to the fire. If you think such is the case - just tell yourself you will be over him soon (because, really, WHAT A LOSER), and focus on the fact that thanks to the fact you stood your ground, you will always kind of be a mystery to him.