What's it like going back to the W after the A?

[Tomcat33]

I am distraught and looking for some shared experiences.

 

I was dating a seperated man we had an emotional affair for 5 months and then started dating 2 months after he moved out things were great though I always had my doubts because he was still in contact with his W. All the talks and all that we spoke about he even went away to clear his head and visit family and had me talk to his family, everyone knew about us everyone would tell him "why did you end marrying her we all saw you would not be happy, how could you not know" HE would dscribe his feelings for her like what you feel for a pet "Dog" (I hated that) but he would tell me he enver loved her never fell in love before and never fell for anyone like he did for me. He even brought me back an expensve ring from his travels to signify the commitment level and love he had with me. things were going great and we were head over heels he was finally speaking of being ready to talk to her about divorcing (this is 5 months into our dating) and three weeks ago she found out about us. She knew we had an emotional affair before he moved out she knew everything. He had left my house a monday morning as we went to work and I never heard from him all day only to call me to tell me that evening she knew everything. He proceeded to disappear for 3 days and dumped via email telling me he could not go through with us because he had to give his marriage a proper chance. That he was dead inside and it killed him to do this but that he had to, that she convinced him that he had stabbed he in the back and not given her a fair chance to save the marriage.

 

They had problems years before he and I met of them drifting apart and living seperate lives living under the same roof so it was something that was there before we even met. They were married 4 years no kids and a month afer their marriage started his wofe went off for 4 months to another country to pursue her career and he did not go with her. Their whole marriage was pretty much each of them dumping their lives into work and what he loved about us was that we communicated a lot. We fell deeply in love he told he had never fallen in love before. He came on so strong when we first met I mean you could not pretend to be like he was our eyes would meet and our souls would dance. It was intense and all the long heart to hearts we had it was this deep understaning of each other. He told me he never had so much fun as he did with me. He would descibe her as too different for him. Plus there was a cultureal differnece where he and I are from the exact same upbringing and country. so we had many commonalities

 

I don't get it how could he just dump me like that? I am new to all this don't understand and never wanted to hurt anyone (I mean her) I was just going by what he would assure me of and his actions met his words most the times. Please give me some insight. Any married men out there who went back with their wives right in the height of being with the OW and living on their own>? How is that possible? HOw can you go back to someone you described as feeling like she was like your pet dog?

And how could a woman knowing that her husband left her to be with another woman take him back, after neglecting him for 3 years? I know for fact that was true because he was ALWAYS out alone when we first met they lived seperated lives.

 

WHY? I have never felt pain like this....

[Impudent Oyster]

So sorry this guy misled you like that. How could he go back to someone he liked like a pet dog? That's not how he really felt, he just said that to make himself and you feel better.

 

Sounds like she rejected him, and that wasn't his choice. When it came time to fish or cut bait, he saw that he had another chance with her and took it. I doubt he ever stopped loving her or wanting her, he probably just thought it was over and he had to move on.

 

I wouldn't hold out too much hope for the marriage though, it doesn't sound like they have a good foundation.

[outofdarkness]

I am distraught and looking for some shared experiences.

 

I was dating a seperated man we had an emotional affair for 5 months and then started dating 2 months after he moved out things were great though I always had my doubts because he was still in contact with his W. All the talks and all that we spoke about he even went away to clear his head and visit family and had me talk to his family, everyone knew about us everyone would tell him "why did you end marrying her we all saw you would not be happy, how could you not know" HE would dscribe his feelings for her like what you feel for a pet "Dog" (I hated that) but he would tell me he enver loved her never fell in love before and never fell for anyone like he did for me. He even brought me back an expensve ring from his travels to signify the commitment level and love he had with me. things were going great and we were head over heels he was finally speaking of being ready to talk to her about divorcing (this is 5 months into our dating) and three weeks ago she found out about us. She knew we had an emotional affair before he moved out she knew everything. He had left my house a monday morning as we went to work and I never heard from him all day only to call me to tell me that evening she knew everything. He proceeded to disappear for 3 days and dumped via email telling me he could not go through with us because he had to give his marriage a proper chance. That he was dead inside and it killed him to do this but that he had to, that she convinced him that he had stabbed he in the back and not given her a fair chance to save the marriage.

 

They had problems years before he and I met of them drifting apart and living seperate lives living under the same roof so it was something that was there before we even met. They were married 4 years no kids and a month afer their marriage started his wofe went off for 4 months to another country to pursue her career and he did not go with her. Their whole marriage was pretty much each of them dumping their lives into work and what he loved about us was that we communicated a lot. We fell deeply in love he told he had never fallen in love before. He came on so strong when we first met I mean you could not pretend to be like he was our eyes would meet and our souls would dance. It was intense and all the long heart to hearts we had it was this deep understaning of each other. He told me he never had so much fun as he did with me. He would descibe her as too different for him. Plus there was a cultureal differnece where he and I are from the exact same upbringing and country. so we had many commonalities

 

I don't get it how could he just dump me like that? I am new to all this don't understand and never wanted to hurt anyone (I mean her) I was just going by what he would assure me of and his actions met his words most the times. Please give me some insight. Any married men out there who went back with their wives right in the height of being with the OW and living on their own>? How is that possible? HOw can you go back to someone you described as feeling like she was like your pet dog?

And how could a woman knowing that her husband left her to be with another woman take him back, after neglecting him for 3 years? I know for fact that was true because he was ALWAYS out alone when we first met they lived seperated lives.

 

WHY? I have never felt pain like this....

Because he was feeding you lies about her and their relationship, most likely..Your story sounds like many others on this forum...sorry. He probrably never had any intention of leaving her..If he did, when his W found out about the A, he would have left for you! Sorry for your pain...

[whichwayisup]

If he really wanted a divorce and wanted to be away from his wife, he would DO just that. No changing his mind or convincing him otherwise. It seems that he HAS realized he didn't give his wife and marriage a real shot at working by going to counselling. And, now he (they) have that chance on fixing things and atleast seeing if they can work it out.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is let him go. As painful as that may be for you to do, it has to be done. Grieve, seek counselling if need be, but definately get over him and don't look back. You deserve a man who can love you freely, not a married man. He was wrong to make plans and promises that he could never really keep with you...When a married person starts planning a life with another woman behind his wife's back, that's a BIG RED FLAG.

 

Do they have children together?

[MoonGirl]

Tomcat33,

 

Your MM sounds terribly confused. It is possible he loves his wife like a pet and is still willing to be with her. It's hard to explain, but a combination of fear of the unknown (with you) and being comfortably numb (with his wife) could have prompted him to go back to his marriage. The sparks of that "in love" feeling are fleeting in any relationship, and maybe he realized that. Most people who have not-so-bad marriages have a hard time leaving the marriage for someone else because they have a history with their spouse. To you it seems very confusing because you don't know all the details of the marriage, and your MM probably only told you about the negative things he was thinking about. He also gave you the impression that he wanted to be only with you. To me, it sounds like you were his therapist, his ego-booster, and a lot of fun. Still, that's not enough to complete with someone you have a 4+ year history with.

In general, I think most people who are coming out of long-term relationships are not very stable. There are exceptions to this, but not too many. These people have no idea what they want, are often depressed, confused, lost, etc.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a loss in your life. We're here to listen if you need someone.

[noforgiveness]

I think sometimes the MM does not realize how much his wife loves him until he sees the devastation he causes when she finds out about the affair. When the mm realizes wow my wife really does love me and she loves me enough to work through this awful thing I've done they get renewed feelings for their spouse.

[Tomcat33]

Wow you are all so amazing!! Thank you so much for all your words I really need to hear all this. I can't thank you enough. I am in so much pain right now. And the last bit about when a man see his wife in so much pain and realizes "she really did love me" I think is exactly what has happened. He told me that he was so shocked she would react the way she did the first time he moved out she broke down and through herself on the floor and begged him to stay and that did a number on him. It was unlike anything he had ever seen nor expected, especially from her since she was vry dry and businesslike. Not the type of person you would expect that from.

 

 

It's clear he lied just not sure to what extend. This scenario had happened before where he would talk to her and she would convince him to come back home and then he would try to break it off with me, it happened twice before but he would come back to realise that is not what he wanted. But I do believe how he described her, I met her once since he and I worked together on weekends we had a side project together and she showed up there trying to convince him to go back home after a month he moved out. But he told her to go home that he was not coming home. She was exactly as he had describer her, cold, dry, not very feminine. The complete opposite of myself. Not to mention I am 10 times more attractive than her (sorry but I am) I am strong but affectionate, determined and independent but very feminine she is introverted and quiet I am outgoing and sociable. We are complete opposites. This is all irrelevant of course but I am just stating that I could see everything he had told me about her. I spoke to his family, he wanted me to get acquainted with his folks WHY? Why would he do this, if he had no intention of leaving her? Why did he get me a ring and keep reassuring me on the fact that the ring was much more than a ring it was the emotional sentiment that mattered most.

When he and I first met and he was still living at home he would call me from his house having her in the same house, and talk to me for hours having her in the same house. THAT'S how disinterested they were from each other. And it took her almost a year to track him down and have him followed to fine out he had been with me? C'mon!! What kind of person takes a year to clue into that? I'm telling you he was not a good liar in that he did very little to hide our EA and yet she never once suspected.

She was always in contact with him always emailing him asking him to go back home yet while he was away he called and emailed me for 10 days straight every single time, telling me he missed me he could not wait to come home to me. I do believe that he loved me that cannot be faked. His actions showed me he was thinking of me 24/7. But he would tell me he felt sorry for her, and that he did not want to hurt her by letting her know he had left for me, his guilt was eating away at him. I would tell him "where was that guilt when you would pursue me relentlessly and I would tell you, go back to your marriage and work it out" and he refused to. Yet now that he got caught he did a 180 claiming he did not give her a fair warning the marriage was in trouble. I don't get it! I broke it off with him so many times and he would come back to me promising he would his past once and for all and right when that was going to happen right when he and I would have a big heart to heart and he would tell me intimate details of the emotional rollercoaster he had been through and why he felt he was 100% through with her and had given everything he could to that marriage and had nothing more to give she has him followed, catches us together and he dumps me to work it out with her because he didn't give the marriage a fair chance?

I am in so much pain...

[Tomcat33]

Oh and by the way to answer your questions re. children no children. I had asked him that the first day we met. He would not get into into and would just skirt around the issue but would assure me he loved kids. I later found out she wanted kids, he had held off because he realized once the kids came into the picture there was no way he would leave.

 

I dont know what to beleive anymore..

[outofdarkness]

Wow you are all so amazing!! Thank you so much for all your words I really need to hear all this. I can't thank you enough. I am in so much pain right now. And the last bit about when a man see his wife in so much pain and realizes "she really did love me" I think is exactly what has happened. He told me that he was so shocked she would react the way she did the first time he moved out she broke down and through herself on the floor and begged him to stay and that did a number on him. It was unlike anything he had ever seen nor expected, especially from her since she was vry dry and businesslike. Not the type of person you would expect that from.

 

 

It's clear he lied just not sure to what extend. This scenario had happened before where he would talk to her and she would convince him to come back home and then he would try to break it off with me, it happened twice before but he would come back to realise that is not what he wanted. But I do believe how he described her, I met her once since he and I worked together on weekends we had a side project together and she showed up there trying to convince him to go back home after a month he moved out. But he told her to go home that he was not coming home. She was exactly as he had describer her, cold, dry, not very feminine. The complete opposite of myself. Not to mention I am 10 times more attractive than her (sorry but I am) I am strong but affectionate, determined and independent but very feminine she is introverted and quiet I am outgoing and sociable. We are complete opposites. This is all irrelevant of course but I am just stating that I could see everything he had told me about her. I spoke to his family, he wanted me to get acquainted with his folks WHY? Why would he do this, if he had no intention of leaving her? Why did he get me a ring and keep reassuring me on the fact that the ring was much more than a ring it was the emotional sentiment that mattered most.

When he and I first met and he was still living at home he would call me from his house having her in the same house, and talk to me for hours having her in the same house. THAT'S how disinterested they were from each other. And it took her almost a year to track him down and have him followed to fine out he had been with me? C'mon!! What kind of person takes a year to clue into that? I'm telling you he was not a good liar in that he did very little to hide our EA and yet she never once suspected.

She was always in contact with him always emailing him asking him to go back home yet while he was away he called and emailed me for 10 days straight every single time, telling me he missed me he could not wait to come home to me. I do believe that he loved me that cannot be faked. His actions showed me he was thinking of me 24/7. But he would tell me he felt sorry for her, and that he did not want to hurt her by letting her know he had left for me, his guilt was eating away at him. I would tell him "where was that guilt when you would pursue me relentlessly and I would tell you, go back to your marriage and work it out" and he refused to. Yet now that he got caught he did a 180 claiming he did not give her a fair warning the marriage was in trouble. I don't get it! I broke it off with him so many times and he would come back to me promising he would his past once and for all and right when that was going to happen right when he and I would have a big heart to heart and he would tell me intimate details of the emotional rollercoaster he had been through and why he felt he was 100% through with her and had given everything he could to that marriage and had nothing more to give she has him followed, catches us together and he dumps me to work it out with her because he didn't give the marriage a fair chance?

I am in so much pain...

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so...A's are painful for all. Unfortunately, A's are also full of lies. I believe that everyone on this forum and also infidelity will tell you that looks have nothing to do w/ A's...There are MM who have knock down beautiful W's and hideous OW's..It's not about the looks...it's about other things that you will see if you read some threads...

 

It doesn't sounds to me like he's been honest w/ you regarding his M...Also, if he really loves you and wants to be with you..he'll stop putting you off and file for D. Another thought, you said you'd met his family. My inlaws were never very fond of me, so when all of the A stuff came out after D day, SOME of them were more then happy to use it as an opportunity to get in there and let there thoughts be known, AND influence him with those thoughts. Don't underestimate the influence his family has over him, in whatever you're talking about. Personal matters such as the end of an M are especially vulnerable to influence by the family. IE...if they like YOU, they might encourage him to leave her, and vice versa...hope this has helped and that you are ok...

[whichwayisup]

There isn't anything you can do anymore...He's made his choice, and he does have a right to change his mind too, even though I know it hurts you.

 

I'm sure in the moment he said those things to you, the promises, introducing you to his family, he meant it at the time...BUT, once he talked to his wife, and they actually started communicating, he felt different about what he said to you. It sucks, it was wrong of him to do to you, but it's just the way it is.

Also, they have a history together, a life built, a house, his family, his inlaws, friends, etc...It's alot to give up especially if he isn't sure or is confused about what he feels.

 

His actions, not his words right now are showing you how it is. Best thing for you is to close the door on him and say goodbye forever.

[MoonGirl]

TomCat33,

 

I am so sorry you're in so much pain. Your MM probably felt everything he was telling you, but because he was/is so confused and unstable, he didn't understand what he was doing to you or his wife. That doesn't make it any better, I know.

Comparing yourself to his wife won't help you right now, and it won't answer any of your questions. You know you're quite a catch and you certainly deserve to have a man who will make you his ONLY woman.

[Ripples]

You know you're quite a catch and you certainly deserve to have a man who will make you his ONLY woman.

 

Hear, hear.

 

Tomcat33, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it's not fair and it's not how it should be. Take heart though, you deserve and will get, far better.

[Tomcat33]

I cannot thank you enough for all your supporting words, you are helping me immensely even though I may not want to hear some of the stuff I am hearing..thank you!

 

I know comparing myself to his wife won't help I was using it as the only example to gauge that what he was telling me about her was true, in some aspects or in what I could confirm.

 

As per the comment of the in-laws and life built together he has no in-laws here, her parents are divorced she has a terrible relationship with her mother who lives abroad and another business-like relationship with her father who married a woman half his age and also lives abroad. They had friends but no friends in common. The two couples friends of theirs were her friends and culturally very different than him. His family also lives abroad and so he feels he is very alone here with her. All they have is each other as far as building a life together. They had bought a house together 5 months before we met and he was not happy nor excited about doing so, he told me that right from the get-go that he was never excited about that move. That was one of the first things he told. I on the other hand have all my family here, and am very close to them and do a lot of family stuff, he always told me he loved how I was with my family he yearned for that closeness which he no longer had because his family was living in another country. He and I were born in the same country same upbringing same family values and she did not have that, her relationship with her mother was non-existent but he yearned for family for that closeness. I have sibling who I am also very close to and their boyfriends/husbands we are all very close and do a lot of big family stuff together. I took him to a few family gatherings and he was in heaven, I could see it in him that he felt that yearning to belong..which he had always had growing up but gave that up to come and live in North America to start a life with her.

A lot of things don't make sense and looking at it from the outside it really did seem like I had a lot more to offer him than what he already had. I never met his family I spoke to them on the phone (he insisted I do) they were even coming here in April and they mentioned they weren't sure where they would stay because he was still in transition (as far as not being fully settled in his new place) I offered them to stay with me I have a big place or my own.

NOTHING none of this makes sense.

I know looking at it from the outside it is all cut and dry and lies and that's it but it just doesn't make sense. His mother even told me "you will love the gift" refering the ring he got me…

I don't get it one bit! Could a whole family be conspiring agains one person (ie. me?)

[MoonGirl]

Tomcat33,

 

I doubt his whole family is conspiring against you. They probably just wanted their son to be happy and so supported what he was doing. They proabably think that he is a crazy as you do right now.

 

Your MM's marriage doesn't sound good, but he has chosen his wife right now. No contact with your MM sounds like a good plan for you if you're still in contact with him. It will give him the time he needs to work on his marriage and it will give you the time you need to heal.

[Tomcat33]

He told me many times he fantasised about what I would look like walking in on our wedding day my wedding dress, what our children would look where we would be married, in vivid detail. He envisioned so much for us....from the very begining he told me I want you to be the mother of my children, he would say "you know..this is what true love should feel like you see and imagine these things from the moment you know you love the peroson, I have never experienced this before. I drifted into marriage and accepted I would never be more than comfortably numb with my "friend" but accepted the life I had chosen...until I met you, you woke up everything in me I thought I would never experience. You are what I have waited for my whole life. you are the all encompassing woman, intellectually, sexually and spirtually you are unlike any other woman I have ever met"

 

how do you go back to something that was so seemingly wrong for you after experiencing that? HOW?

 

His last words to me where "My heart is telling me to be with you but my head is telling me that I was not fair I didn't give the marriage a chance to be saved since I have been thinking of you for the past 10 months" I told him why why did you not do this when I urged you to 1-4-6 months and all the times into the rel? Why? he had no answer. He said he feels dead inside he is a walking zombie and suffering immensely but why would you go back if you are in so much pain. They went to couples councelling adn both she and the councellor made him see that he did not give her fair warning and he felt the duty to stay even though his heart was not in it.

[outofdarkness]

He told me many times he fantasised about what I would look like walking in on our wedding day my wedding dress, what our children would look where we would be married, in vivid detail. He envisioned so much for us....from the very begining he told me I want you to be the mother of my children, he would say "you know..this is what true love should feel like you see and imagine these things from the moment you know you love the peroson, I have never experienced this before. I drifted into marriage and accepted I would never be more than comfortably numb with my "friend" but accepted the life I had chosen...until I met you, you woke up everything in me I thought I would never experience. You are what I have waited for my whole life. you are the all encompassing woman, intellectually, sexually and spirtually you are unlike any other woman I have ever met"

 

how do you go back to something that was so seemingly wrong for you after experiencing that? HOW?

 

His last words to me where "My heart is telling me to be with you but my head is telling me that I was not fair I didn't give the marriage a chance to be saved since I have been thinking of you for the past 10 months" I told him why why did you not do this when I urged you to 1-4-6 months and all the times into the rel? Why? he had no answer. He said he feels dead inside he is a walking zombie and suffering immensely but why would you go back if you are in so much pain. They went to couples councelling adn both she and the councellor made him see that he did not give her fair warning and he felt the duty to stay even though his heart was not in it.

Stand back and let them do thier thing...If he really loves you and you all are meant to be together, then he will find a way...By not interfering, if he comes back to u of his own accord, then you will have a clean conscience and know that he really loves you...

[Tomcat33]

you're absolutely right OutofDarkness and I DO know this, I usually have the insight to see these kinds of things it's how I have acted all my life in relationships, this situation is just so new for me and I have been living outside of myself. I have been a second/deplorable version of who I am. The guilt the self esteem, the conflict within has killed me these past months. The physical manifestations of all the conflict I have beeen feeling of not being able to break away but wanting to desperately because I knew it was wrong all along. It's a part of my life I will never gain back and all for what? For the ultimate pain I could ever experience in all my past relationship pain combined.

 

If just don't know what reality is and what is fake. Could it be that he was living a lie too? I had read somewhere that when someone goes through an affair their brain chemistry changes that they act do things that are out of their domain. Of course they know what they do but they are acting almost possessed-like.

 

was this all a lie then? did we not even feel what we felt? I feel so messed up I have so many questions, like a newlywed in-love that was taken by death leaving the widdowed spouse with a million questions. It's incomperable the feelings I have right now...

 

He is the type of man that believes in psyhcology and was in therapy the whole time we were together,. Now he is in cc with her and I just think the therapy will do a number on him telling him that it was not love that it was just an addiction, like I have read on here many times. You see according to him he was conviced he had never fallen in love before where as I know what falling in love is, I have fallen in love many times in my life so I know what it's supposed to feel like..

[puddleofmud]

Ugh! Reading your story sounds a great deal like my own so I can say that my heart aches for you.

Everyone will say (and I condone) that it is time to move on but is harder than just saying it.

Your questions and feelings are valid because many of us have had the same. One does have the right to stop and think/ say "wait a freakin' minute--WHAT just happened to me?"

We may spend a great deal of needed time in that place; we may never get the answers or the much harkened "closure" we seek.

Sadly,there are times where the only genuine closer we get is the closure we self-create.

Stay strong and continue to seek the peace within yourself YOU need.

Hugs to you!

[outofdarkness]

you're absolutely right OutofDarkness and I DO know this, I usually have the insight to see these kinds of things it's how I have acted all my life in relationships, this situation is just so new for me and I have been living outside of myself. I have been a second/deplorable version of who I am. The guilt the self esteem, the conflict within has killed me these past months. The physical manifestations of all the conflict I have beeen feeling of not being able to break away but wanting to desperately because I knew it was wrong all along. It's a part of my life I will never gain back and all for what? For the ultimate pain I could ever experience in all my past relationship pain combined.

 

If just don't know what reality is and what is fake. Could it be that he was living a lie too? I had read somewhere that when someone goes through an affair their brain chemistry changes that they act do things that are out of their domain. Of course they know what they do but they are acting almost possessed-like.

 

was this all a lie then? did we not even feel what we felt? I feel so messed up I have so many questions, like a newlywed in-love that was taken by death leaving the widdowed spouse with a million questions. It's incomperable the feelings I have right now...

 

He is the type of man that believes in psyhcology and was in therapy the whole time we were together,. Now he is in cc with her and I just think the therapy will do a number on him telling him that it was not love that it was just an addiction, like I have read on here many times. You see according to him he was conviced he had never fallen in love before where as I know what falling in love is, I have fallen in love many times in my life so I know what it's supposed to feel like..

I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. There's really nothing you can do at this point. No amount of therapy will "brainwash" anyone into feeling a certain way about another. If the feelings are there, they are not going anywhere. Now, is it possible that the MC might try to bring up what attracted your MM to his W to begin w/? Yes, absolutely, but it's also possible that what brough them together is no longer there. M couples can build a new relationship, but I know from experience, there has to be some sort of foundation to build up from. Also, BOTH spouses have to really want things to work and it takes alot of patience, understanding and forgiveness. I can't say what will happen in your situation, but I DO know that if you push at all, you will never have any way of knowing for sure if he left her b/c he really loves you or just because you pushed...If you all end up together. That's why, as hard as it must be, I advised you to back off for a time and see how things play out.

[Tomcat33]

Puddle I'm sorry you had to go through this too. I know that there is no empathy for the OW and I for one would have been very critical of one back when this was not part of my existencial being but now the book's been re-written. Now that I have experienced the amount of pain that this relationship has caused me (and not just now but all along) I can say with 100% certainty that nothing in this world is black and white. That life places huge forks in our paths to be considered and sometimes what seems like a risk for a big gain is nothing but a downward spiral into despair. I for one had read many posts on here throughout this relationship and like many was conviced my situation was "different". That our love would conquer any facts. That neither one of us wanted what happened that destiny brought us together, what a fool I was to think that I could beat human tendencies that are really not that varied at all. We all feel and go through the same things in different degrees and there is no "special"case we are all setting ourselves up for the biggest price we can pay, a broken heart and a tainted past. Having been on both ends (I've been cheated on in the past but left him as soon as I found out) I can now at least understand things from both ends, not sure what the point is yet but in time some clarity will come.

 

Puddle did you ever hear from your man again? How long has it been for you and are you healed?

 

 

Outofdarkness - as your name suggests I can imagine you have gone through your share of pain, and have now seen the light? I am curious to know what your situation was were you the OW or the BW?

You are absolutely right in that I will not push. He left me on email and I demanded and explanation and he did call me and that was the end of my contact. I stop myself day and night from emailing and calling or texting. It's the hardest thing to do. but I do it because I know it's pointless.

The things that keeps playing in my mind is that over the last few months a lot resentment had built up in me and I had said desrespectful things to him like "he was less of a person for leading two women on to choose me or her but to choose because he was a useless man to me otherwise"I pushed him verbally to choose to let me go to set me free to tell me he didn't love me to level with me and of course he wouldn't. But it wasn't the sex that kept us together because I had stopped sex three months ago. The emotional contact did continue, and he still faught for being with me though having him moved out but with no signs of stopping contact with her and telling her he wanted a divoree played a huge number on me I could not stop obsessing over the idea he would go back. That he would use me and go back. So I stopped myself from offering him and opportunity to do that. Anyway because of all the insults and fighting he told me he was insecure and thought that I did not love him. I worry that he sitll may think that!! WOW

 

Two weekends ago we had our huge heart to heart and it finally felt like we were turning a page and then he dumped me on email because she found out about us two days later. He had slept at my house that sunday and had an amazing evening togther he held me tight and told he he was in heaven that he finally felt like he was free to enjoy our love. All becaues he assured me he has spoken to her and told her it was done for good and she finally accepeted she did not contact him in a week he thought she finally got the picture. The reason she was so quiet was because she was having him followed. then she dropped the bomb on him on monday and I never saw him again It just doesn't make sense...Im sorry I keep reapeting the same thing over and over but I feel so lost.

 

In regards to the councellor asking him what they saw in each other that attracted to one another I asked him that a million times. He never spoke badly of her he spoke badly of certain things in the rel. but never of her and offered very little details of their rel the whole time we were together. his answer was always "she is a very good person, very hard working and focused, intelligent, with a good heart and morals" but he told me he necer had fun with her, and if he ever did he can't remember how it was at the beginning. He said neither one of them felt a strong physical attraction when they met they both felt like each other were not each other's type. Also that they were very good frends and but they didn't communicate all that much so I don't even understand what this friendship was and it would leave him wondering too...weird!! I NEVER understood this!?!? I would ask him how did you end up marrying...and he would say it just seemed like what we had to do, they'd been together for 5yrs when they married and then married for 3 when I met him.

[puddleofmud]

No, never heard from EX-MM.

I don't count the days but I think it's going on about five or six months now.

He was never "my" man, either.

Frankly, he is no one's man from what I can gather...other than that he belongs to the "dark-side" (said with Darth Vader Voice)!

[outofdarkness]

Puddle I'm sorry you had to go through this too. I know that there is no empathy for the OW and I for one would have been very critical of one back when this was not part of my existencial being but now the book's been re-written. Now that I have experienced the amount of pain that this relationship has caused me (and not just now but all along) I can say with 100% certainty that nothing in this world is black and white. That life places huge forks in our paths to be considered and sometimes what seems like a risk for a big gain is nothing but a downward spiral into despair. I for one had read many posts on here throughout this relationship and like many was conviced my situation was "different". That our love would conquer any facts. That neither one of us wanted what happened that destiny brought us together, what a fool I was to think that I could beat human tendencies that are really not that varied at all. We all feel and go through the same things in different degrees and there is no "special"case we are all setting ourselves up for the biggest price we can pay, a broken heart and a tainted past. Having been on both ends (I've been cheated on in the past but left him as soon as I found out) I can now at least understand things from both ends, not sure what the point is yet but in time some clarity will come.

 

Puddle did you ever hear from your man again? How long has it been for you and are you healed?

 

 

Outofdarkness - as your name suggests I can imagine you have gone through your share of pain, and have now seen the light? I am curious to know what your situation was were you the OW or the BW?

You are absolutely right in that I will not push. He left me on email and I demanded and explanation and he did call me and that was the end of my contact. I stop myself day and night from emailing and calling or texting. It's the hardest thing to do. but I do it because I know it's pointless.

The things that keeps playing in my mind is that over the last few months a lot resentment had built up in me and I had said desrespectful things to him like "he was less of a person for leading two women on to choose me or her but to choose because he was a useless man to me otherwise"I pushed him verbally to choose to let me go to set me free to tell me he didn't love me to level with me and of course he wouldn't. But it wasn't the sex that kept us together because I had stopped sex three months ago. The emotional contact did continue, and he still faught for being with me though having him moved out but with no signs of stopping contact with her and telling her he wanted a divoree played a huge number on me I could not stop obsessing over the idea he would go back. That he would use me and go back. So I stopped myself from offering him and opportunity to do that. Anyway because of all the insults and fighting he told me he was insecure and thought that I did not love him. I worry that he sitll may think that!! WOW

 

Two weekends ago we had our huge heart to heart and it finally felt like we were turning a page and then he dumped me on email because she found out about us two days later. He had slept at my house that sunday and had an amazing evening togther he held me tight and told he he was in heaven that he finally felt like he was free to enjoy our love. All becaues he assured me he has spoken to her and told her it was done for good and she finally accepeted she did not contact him in a week he thought she finally got the picture. The reason she was so quiet was because she was having him followed. then she dropped the bomb on him on monday and I never saw him again It just doesn't make sense...Im sorry I keep reapeting the same thing over and over but I feel so lost.

 

In regards to the councellor asking him what they saw in each other that attracted to one another I asked him that a million times. He never spoke badly of her he spoke badly of certain things in the rel. but never of her and offered very little details of their rel the whole time we were together. his answer was always "she is a very good person, very hard working and focused, intelligent, with a good heart and morals" but he told me he necer had fun with her, and if he ever did he can't remember how it was at the beginning. He said neither one of them felt a strong physical attraction when they met they both felt like each other were not each other's type. Also that they were very good frends and but they didn't communicate all that much so I don't even understand what this friendship was and it would leave him wondering too...weird!! I NEVER understood this!?!? I would ask him how did you end up marrying...and he would say it just seemed like what we had to do, they'd been together for 5yrs when they married and then married for 3 when I met him.

Believe it or not I am a BW...My feelings and the way I was treated are not that much different from your's it would seem. The most frustrating thing is not really knowing for sure what your MM is saying to the W and vice versa...As far as whether or not I have "seen the light yet", I feel like I have come out of darkness, but not quite into the full light yet...Does that make sense.

 

Re: What may bring M couples together to begin with...We met in high school, dated all through college and grad school and married right after..It's been 21 years, and I honestly can't say at all that the same teenagerish things that brought us together still hold true now. We have a long history together, have shared two children together, one who has been ill a great deal of the time, families who are intertwined, job losses, bad hair cuts...Hell, he even taught me how to drive a stick shift. We really grew up together. I can't imagine being w/ anyone else, and I don't think he can either. It's a codependent thing, but then again, what M isn't...We've really had to work on building a new relationship based on "grown up" things...It's not been easy, but we have and continue to make great progress. We even laugh together on occasion now...We EVEN talk about adult things like the news, etc...So...love in a M changes but does not necessarily deminish in intensity..If that makes sense...

 

Lastly, I wanted you to know that one of the very first things I said to my H on D day was that I just could not understand how he could play around with someone's feelings the way he had obviously done with me but also w/ the OW...It seemed so cruel to me...Still does! Hope this helps..I'm thinking of you.

[Tomcat33]

Puddle - so true about the "he was never my man" touche!! I said that to him often and he would tell me he was 100% mine... what crock of sh@@

thanks for the laugh (darth vader) lol

 

 

Outofthrdarkness - WOW I had no idea!! I'm so sorry you had to live through that. How long ago was the affair? And what lenght was it? Can you explain what you gathered borught you to that point? You know as I hear your story of how you met I can see the real kinship in the two of you I can see a deep loving bond that was based on true friendship, love and companionship. Who knows maybe the MM I was inlvoved also had that but he neglected to tell the truth. Why beleive any of now...

What you said about not knowing what he said to the OW vs what he says to W is soooo true. I keep having this fantasy of sitting down with his wife and having a heart to heart...but it would never happen because she prob hates me (rightly so) I would get so sad for her when this all started I really did feel a lot of pain knowing that I was being a complice in this lie that was conspiring against her. I would put myeslf in her shoes and that brought out a lot of hostility on my part towards him that eventually he ended up resenting me for, he would say "look I know I am doing wrong I have enough guilt as it is for you to make me feel worse, you are supposed to be supportive not kick me when I'm down"I will never forget those words because it would make him resent him even more. Here was this guy who was toying with two women's hearts and on top of it he needed sympathy?

 

He would tell me he could not hold my hand in public for fear she would find out that he did not want to hurt her, and I would ask him well where was your caring for her when you would show up at my house when I would cut you off and tell you to go work on your marriage, this is wrong!!! And that would just get his backup.

 

I really was not cut out for this OW role I think too much about everyone.

 

As I said I never wanted to hurt her, I just loved him I fell deeply inlove with him and believed him that the problems they had were independant to having met me. But now the more I think about it the more I feel that I was very much the catalyst to his actions, that he chose me to be the catalyst to his personal crisis. I am not passing the blame I well aware of my involvement in all this by I really let myself be blindsided with his words and "half-actions"

 

Did you H move out at all to be with this OW?

 

thank you again for sharing your words it must be hard for you to be so neutral and giving talking to someone in my position. I appreciate your class in talking about this.

[outofdarkness]

Puddle - so true about the "he was never my man" touche!! I said that to him often and he would tell me he was 100% mine... what crock of sh@@

thanks for the laugh (darth vader) lol

 

 

Outofthrdarkness - WOW I had no idea!! I'm so sorry you had to live through that. How long ago was the affair? And what lenght was it? Can you explain what you gathered borught you to that point? You know as I hear your story of how you met I can see the real kinship in the two of you I can see a deep loving bond that was based on true friendship, love and companionship. Who knows maybe the MM I was inlvoved also had that but he neglected to tell the truth. Why beleive any of now...

What you said about not knowing what he said to the OW vs what he says to W is soooo true. I keep having this fantasy of sitting down with his wife and having a heart to heart...but it would never happen because she prob hates me (rightly so) I would get so sad for her when this all started I really did feel a lot of pain knowing that I was being a complice in this lie that was conspiring against her. I would put myeslf in her shoes and that brought out a lot of hostility on my part towards him that eventually he ended up resenting me for, he would say "look I know I am doing wrong I have enough guilt as it is for you to make me feel worse, you are supposed to be supportive not kick me when I'm down"I will never forget those words because it would make him resent him even more. Here was this guy who was toying with two women's hearts and on top of it he needed sympathy?

 

He would tell me he could not hold my hand in public for fear she would find out that he did not want to hurt her, and I would ask him well where was your caring for her when you would show up at my house when I would cut you off and tell you to go work on your marriage, this is wrong!!! And that would just get his backup.

 

I really was not cut out for this OW role I think too much about everyone.

 

As I said I never wanted to hurt her, I just loved him I fell deeply inlove with him and believed him that the problems they had were independant to having met me. But now the more I think about it the more I feel that I was very much the catalyst to his actions, that he chose me to be the catalyst to his personal crisis. I am not passing the blame I well aware of my involvement in all this by I really let myself be blindsided with his words and "half-actions"

 

Did you H move out at all to be with this OW?

 

thank you again for sharing your words it must be hard for you to be so neutral and giving talking to someone in my position. I appreciate your class in talking about this.

I had a long reply all typed out and every time I tried to submit it, it said it was too short and needed to be at least 10 characters long??? This is irritating...Anyone know what I'm doing wrong. I was way longer then 10 charact...

[Tomcat33]

Not sure Outofthedarknes...

 

tha's too bad maybe refresh your page or log out and back in? sometimes could be a comp. glitch?

 

Also while we are at it and if you care to talk about it was it hard to replenish the rel, aft the A I know I tried in the rel that I was cheated on and I just could not it took me a month of trying and despising him for it I just decided I wanted out. But that was me and it was not a marriage...I bet in your case it has made your rel. much stronger and now there is no chance he will do it again.