Ripples Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 It's bloody painful. But so good that you know the light at the end of the tunnel is there, if not in sight just yet. My partner's affairs were PA's, I think there were a couple of EA's too, all in the space of three years. We were both responsible for bringing us to the point where he went looking for someone to replace me. He needed an exit strategy, a safety net. Basically neither of us were fulfilling the other's emotional needs, we just didn't communicate in a constructive way as is the case in many relationships. However, when he was forced into crisis - i.e. D day, I guess he realised that I loved him very much and he loved me and wanted to put things right. It's bloody hard, I often jump to conclusions "Oh, so he says he's busy at work hey? Well, I bet that's because he's banging his receptionist over his desk right this minute!". Never mind that his receptionist is gay. The whole scenario (and a couple of people on LS) has taught me an awful lot about taking someone for granted and relying on them too much for my own happiness. I'm really looking forward to the day when I read that you've given that book away, burnt his picture and are dating a gorgeous, single guy who's sending you flowers everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomcat33 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 Well to all of you out there who have been following my story I have major news. Today I saw him he called me desperately wanting to meet with me. I met him because I wanted answers I absolutely did not expect anything from our meeting other than to get answers as to why things ended so abruptly and why he cut me off via email as he did. To much to my surprise he met me he told me he was deeply in love with me and was miserable without me he was suffering immensely. When his W found out about us he panicked and after seeing how hurt she was he let himself be convinced that the "right" thing to do was to give her a chance out of his own tremendous guilt that he had started something with me so soon after leaving his home. So he wanted to try to work on the marriage just to prove to her that is was def not worth saving but that he was absolutely certain it would never work out between them because he was too in love with me and did not feel a thing for her and figured in a matter of months she would come to this realisation on her own and it would ease her into the idea that they were def done for good. Then they would be able to come to an amicable split since right now she is being completely unreasonable and despite catching him with someone else and knowing that the marriage was dead for years now. So they went to copules councelling and he was going through the motions, came home and she sat next to him while he wrote me the email in which he dumped me and took over his email account. She is controlling his every move and has read all of our emails from the very begining she knows EVERYTHING about how we feel an all that has been said between us. Well these weeks that he was home with her he realised that there was no way in hell that he could endure even another week of this let alone a month so he confronted her and told her it was def through that there was no hope for them whatsoever since he nolonger loved her but she has gone into a state of denial and will not let him go and is desperately trying to keep him and she throws histericall crying fits and begs hims to stay despite knowing he wants out. she just wont accept it. We spoke for three hours tonight he has been completely open with me and I beleive him, deep down I knew that if what he had been telling me all along was even remotely true that there is no way he would be able to work out his marriage. And that is exactly what happened, he said he missed me more than anything in the world he said it was the most torturous thing he has ever had to do was to dump me like that so coldly and he is deeply sorry that he had to hurt me that way. He described being abck there as being in prison he hates every moment of it and feels completely trapped like there is 100% nothing left to recover, his love dissapeared many years ago but she just does not want to accept it. She begs him to stay and does not want to let got and throws temper tamtrums to hold him back to which he does bot know how to handle. Call me stupid but I feel for him, it must be so horrible to see someone you still care about even though you don't love them in that state. He is leaving in the next few days once she calms down a bit. He asks me for advice on how to break free and maker her understand but I don't know what to tell him since I don't want him to think I vahe my won selfish interests in mind... I know this man is the man for me, we are everything to each other and just seeing him tell me all this put my mind at ease and now it all makes sense in some twisted way. I am going to lay low for the next while and let him work through his things. HE def wants the divorce now, and I know in my heart we will be together it is just a matter of a little bit of time. I'm sorry if this story may not agree with some people out there but sometimes in matters of the heart things just don't make sense the only people who know the truth as the two people that share that love. I am just thankful that he explained all this to me and that now I at least have a clear picture as to what happened. Not knowing is the worst thing in the world. thank you all for your support in these past weeks of darkness. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I am in so much pain... Your pain is my pain ...it is so real I can physically feel it....I have no answers. I am perplexed at how lightly a man can lend his heart and then take it back ...I am apalled at the lack of integrity at people (not just men) who won't take a definitive stance simply because it doesn't suit them at a given time ... people who will not take responsibility for their actions ....I am so sorry...I have been there with ravishing results and fear I may have gotten myself into a similar situation again....Stay posted here ... it will help ...we will help ....and know that you are not alone... Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 outofthedarkness You are an amazing human being. God bless you! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 My last post came in too late! I hope things work out best for the three of you ...for ultimately you have all suffered each in his/her own way a unbearable pain.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomcat33 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 WOW I cannot believe how my life changed from one week to the next. We are so head over heels in love it is quite amazing things happened as they did. We have been having very long talks and everything has been discussed we have never talked so openly so candedly now I understand EVERYTYHING. Now I can things from the other side what goes on inside a married man's head when he feels in his heart the right choice is to be with the OW or New Woman than to go back to rehasha a marriage that could not be saved, but is acting out of major guilt and seeing the pain he has cause his W. I don't know how our relationship will pan out but right now it feels like we are truly soul mates, we feel, think and want the same things and we have both learned so much from this horrific experience that we want to do everything right for each other to want to succeed and never go down a path like this again. I guess you can say this was truly a traumatic experience for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
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