kbah Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Let's try bullet points! -Boyfriend of 2 years used to abuse porn, was caught and swore he would never do it again -caught him again months ago and he agreed to seek counseling, he now swears he has not done it since... -I have insecurity because he used to flirt like CRAZY and always denied it, then finally fessed a few months ago -OBVIOUSLY, this has promoted trust issues for me, not to mention I already had them coming into the relationship long ago -I have masturbated to porn before and liked it...but swore to him I would not so I would not be a hypocrit Point: -I still don't/didn't believe he has stopped (for obvious reasons of him always lying) -Last night I "tried" it again to see if maybe I could be okay with it and be okay with us doing it together or him doing it... -I also do admit that, because I don't trust him an didn't believe he had stopped, it felt GOOD to be doing something "wrong" also. (I was tired of feeling like he was always lying behind my back and I was the truthful/faithful one) -I told him IMMEDIATELY afterwards...and now he is VERY upset with me...I didn't lie, I didn't try to hide it or deny it...and I was VERY open with the reasons I did it....I told him EVERYTHING I said here and into way more detail... -He then told me that he really had not watched porn, look at magazines since that last time in October. I did not expect this. I understand what I did was hypocritical, partially motivated by insecurity and wrong. Has this happened to anyone else? Can you relate? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 I understand what I did was hypocritical, partially motivated by insecurity and wrong. Has this happened to anyone else? Can you relate? What do you think? I've had issues with a partner using really extreme porn (ie depiction of violence and degradation). I didn't tell him not to use it, but it was certainly an issue that bothered me to a level I couldn't shut out. I'm not talking about some major addiction to the stuff - but he did watch it sometimes, and I'd know instinctively when he'd been looking at it because it would come out in the way he treated me. We had to reach an uneasy compromise insofar as while I wouldn't try to control his reading/viewing habits, I refused to allow porn to dictate who and what I should be and what kind of treatment I should accept from him. The passive "forced into it" victim role that so many porn films like to portray just doesn't correlate with who I am sexually - and I think he needed to be with someone who genuinely did have a masochistic streak rather than just playing along with it for laughs. I've often thought about it, and it's one of the reasons I take a lot of interest in the many porn debates on this site. Most men (and a lot of women) will be sex industry consumers from time to time. Some men have a slight for the passive, victimish brand of female sexuality. Others prefer the flashier type of sexuality portrayed by strippers who put on a performance and take a bit of control rather than just "have it all done to them." People explore their sexuality with the sex industry products they consume, and they also demonstrate their sexual preferences by those products. Telling someone not to use porn is a little bit like saying "I don't like that particular sexual aspect of you. I hate that you might fantasise about anyone who isn't me. Get rid of those fantasies - get rid of that part of your sexuality..." which in many ways is as rejecting and destructive as the man who derides his partner for not looking like a photoshopped picture. I think all you can realistically do, where there are certain sexual incompatibilities that manifest themselves in (for instance) disagreements about porn is keep an eye on them and keep an open, honest discussion about them going. When those differing preferences are either not acknowledged, or discussed in an angry and blaming way, it seems more likely that one partner will cultivate a secret porn habit that can begin to consume them while the other - in full or semi-awareness of that habit - develops an equally time and energy consuming hatred of porn. From your perspective, your bf betrayed you by looking at porn behind your back. From his perspective, you insisted that he adhere to a code of behaviour that he was never going to manage permanently (and probably didn't believe was reasonable anyway). Presenting people with a lot of shoulds, shouldn'ts, oughts and oughtn'ts just isn't a good way of building a trusting relationship - because in a sense you're setting them up to go behind your back. This is, perhaps, why a lot of people who seek to impose rigid standards on the behaviour, thoughts and fantasies of others end up feeling angry, hurt and betrayed a great deal of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 He has every right to look at porn but so do you. People need to realize that they can't hold others to standards they are not willing to live up to themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
WilliR Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 He has every right to look at porn but so do you. People need to realize that they can't hold others to standards they are not willing to live up to themselves. Truth if it was ever spoken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kbah Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 Thanks, everyone for the replies. I actually did sit down with him and we had an open conversation about porn. We both agreed to tell the other person FIRST if we had a desire to use it. For the first year of our relationship I was totally okay with him watching porn. We watched it together, he did on his own and everything was fine. It was about that year mark that I realized he was watching it more than on a daily basis. (Like, 2-3 times a day....everyday) and sometimes more and he would sometimes lie about it...Usually when I would feel hurt or comment (which makes sense....he was embarrassed and upsetting me). He went to counseling (on his own) and has taken more of a passive attitude to the whole porn thing. He said it doesn't interest him nearly as much as before. As of now, he shared with me he has no desire to watch porn anymore. I am trying to stay as open as possible, so if he tells me he does feel the desire to watch it again....I can hopefully go alone with it/accept it/watch with him... We'll see...baby steps! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 He has every right to look at porn but so do you. People need to realize that they can't hold others to standards they are not willing to live up to themselves. Hallelujah! Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Last night, for the first time in my life I laid down with my girlfriend and we watched porn together... for about 10 minutes... until she started mimicking the movie on me. Well, we got a bit distracted at that point and next thing we knew we were both exhausted and the movie was long over. Hmm... maybe TMI. The point is it ROCKED!!! I highly recommend mutual porn watching/sex. Very fun indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
CATENZA Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Hi All... Honestly, my husband watches porn and there was a few times he bought playboy magazines when someone good was featured on it. I think that is innocent. I've seen his magazines.. Its funny cause I am able to tell him who has real or fake boobs and what is air brushed. As long as he's not going to strip joints and getting lapdances, believe me ur good! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Hmm... maybe TMI. The point is it ROCKED!!! You should know by now TMI is rare on LS. The more info the better! Don't feel shy about details.... Link to post Share on other sites
CATENZA Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 What does TMI stand for? Link to post Share on other sites
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