Meaplus3 Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 After getting myself involved in a heated EA for 18 month's and ending up in NC, I wonder if I just don't know what Love is in a marriage? Is there such a diffrence in beign in love with your spouse than saying you love them? Hope I made sense here? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 After getting myself involved in a heated EA for 18 month's and ending up in NC, I wonder if I just don't know what Love is in a marriage? Is there such a diffrence in beign in love with your spouse than saying you love them? Hope I made sense here? AP:) True love and in love are two completely different things. Being in love will not last forever, it's just a chemical release that dies after a few years of human bonding. True love is being compatible, comfortable, open, honest, and communicable. These are some of the biggest reasons the divorce rate in America is so high and keeps increasing. True love is work True love is compatiblity True love is being a friend True love is commitment True love is sacrifice True love is compromise True love is very rewarding (for those who can achieve it) Many people get hung up on the "In Love" feelings that are created when we first meet someone we are attracted to, and don't understand that these feeling are just that, temporary. When this chemical process wears off, many people think they have fallen out of love with their partner and pursue affairs/divorce to find that feeling again. That feeling does come again, but it winds up the same way a few years later. Many women (men too) are taught incorrectly when there young, and are not educated correctly by parents and their society regarding love, marriage, and relationships. Hope this helps, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 True love is also working through issues together and learning that it IS okay to "dislike" and "be pissed off" at your spouse, and realizing it's not the end of the world. True love is long lasting - That intense love feeling comes and goes throughout the marriage/relationship...Ha, just like the feelings of "dislike" though the love stays, dislike fades away quickly. True love is knowing you can trust and have the support of the person you're with. TRUE LOVE is when your spouse holds your head over the can when you're throwing up -Or puts up with neurotic moments when ya feel like you will barf, but don't) True love is hard work, just like anything else in life if you wanna keep it healthy and alive. It's about listening, putting someone else first more than yourself, compromising, and being a friend, and a lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 True love and in love are two completely different things. Being in love will not last forever, it's just a chemical release that dies after a few years of human bonding. True love is being compatible, comfortable, open, honest, and communicable. These are some of the biggest reasons the divorce rate in America is so high and keeps increasing. True love is work True love is compatiblity True love is being a friend True love is commitment True love is sacrifice True love is compromise True love is very rewarding (for those who can achieve it) Many people get hung up on the "In Love" feelings that are created when we first meet someone we are attracted to, and don't understand that these feeling are just that, temporary. When this chemical process wears off, many people think they have fallen out of love with their partner and pursue affairs/divorce to find that feeling again. That feeling does come again, but it winds up the same way a few years later. Many women (men too) are taught incorrectly when there young, and are not educated correctly by parents and their society regarding love, marriage, and relationships. Hope this helps, good luck! True love is being compatible, comfortable, open, honest, and communicable. I like your defintion of true love and I happen to agree with it. But how can it be true love with a couple of thing's missing in an R? Like XMM for instance. He say's he loves his wife but then he does not need to tell her everything. He loves her but end's up enjoying an EA with me. The way I see it two thing's seem to be missing for him. #1 Honesty and #2 Communication. I say communication because if he were communicating with his wife in a proper manner then he would not have had an EA with me. Most articles I have read on Ea's state that most men Don't have them and the ones that do lack true communication with their wife. Do you think that people just say they love one another because that's what they are supose to do in the eyes of soceity? I know the reason's I became involved with XMM the biggest one was the communication's problem with H. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 True love is being compatible, comfortable, open, honest, and communicable. I like your defintion of true love and I happen to agree with it. But how can it be true love with a couple of thing's missing in an R? Like XMM for instance. He say's he loves his wife but then he does not need to tell her everything. He loves her but end's up enjoying an EA with me. The way I see it two thing's seem to be missing for him. #1 Honesty and #2 Communication. I say communication because if he were communicating with his wife in a proper manner then he would not have had an EA with me. Most articles I have read on Ea's state that most men Don't have them and the ones that do lack true communication with their wife. Do you think that people just say they love one another because that's what they are supose to do in the eyes of soceity? I know the reason's I became involved with XMM the biggest one was the communication's problem with H. AP:) I think some of your observations are quite correct, but I think him engaging in an affair with you are his problems mostly. Sure you can lose communication with your spouse, but instead of keeping boundaries in place and working out the problem his answer was probably easier seeking out needs elsewhere. He sounds like a man who wants his cake and eat it too, usually this is the case when people cheat or have affairs. Be careful, the fact that he is still with his wife should prove to you that he still loves her. Nearly all affairs of this nature never work out, and many people get hurt along the way. You should probably be posting on the OM/OW forum instead of here, there are a lot of people that will give you harsh advice here. Even if he did leave his wife and run into your arms, after some time together would you not have suspiciouns in the back of your mind? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 AP, you know he has a HUGE ego that needs to be fed. The affair you two had gave him that ego feed. It has nothing to do with him loving his wife. He loves attention, reaction and whatever else comes with it because it made HIM feel good. Also, don't believe all that he tells you, unless his wife confirms what their relationship is all about. He will (and he has) lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 I think some of your observations are quite correct, but I think him engaging in an affair with you are his problems mostly. Sure you can lose communication with your spouse, but instead of keeping boundaries in place and working out the problem his answer was probably easier seeking out needs elsewhere. He sounds like a man who wants his cake and eat it too, usually this is the case when people cheat or have affairs. Be careful, the fact that he is still with his wife should prove to you that he still loves her. Nearly all affairs of this nature never work out, and many people get hurt along the way. You should probably be posting on the OM/OW forum instead of here, there are a lot of people that will give you harsh advice here. Even if he did leave his wife and run into your arms, after some time together would you not have suspiciouns in the back of your mind? Good luck! Thank's. Oh I know all about the OW/OM forum and I have used it plenty for advice. I like all you said here it's very true. I don't believe that a person only stay's with a spouse out of love. Heck he could be miserable for all I truely know. When you have a home to pay for and children in the mix it would be hard for anyone to leave. I think most people stay and "Tolerate" Their situation, just don't tell me it's simply because that person is their true love. If that person were their true love and they were so very happy in love and loving their partner, then the simple thought of an affair would not exist for them, IMO. AP Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 AP, you know he has a HUGE ego that needs to be fed. The affair you two had gave him that ego feed. It has nothing to do with him loving his wife. He loves attention, reaction and whatever else comes with it because it made HIM feel good. Also, don't believe all that he tells you, unless his wife confirms what their relationship is all about. He will (and he has) lie. I know whichway he does have a MAJOR ego and yes I did help to feed it! However I do know I have learned a thing or two about his M from his children as they are always at my house. From what they have told me they are 9 and 12, it does not seem like they communicate much at at. It also seem's like he just likes being cozy, cause she makes more money. He said to me very early on in the "A" "Oh come on," "You and I have it pretty good", that say's to me material wise and in that way he is correct. Why am I going here again "I don't know? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 AP, does it really matter now what he thinks or feels, or what their marriage is about? The kids have their own interperations of what their parents marriage is like, and in all honesty, noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Your focus seems too much on the MM again...Unless this stuff is helping you move past the EA and getting over him? Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 After getting myself involved in a heated EA for 18 month's and ending up in NC, I wonder if I just don't know what Love is in a marriage? Is there such a diffrence in beign in love with your spouse than saying you love them? Hope I made sense here? AP:) Yes...there is a difference. Case in point...I love my wife for being the mother of my children...but I don't think I'm "in love" with her anymore after her betrayal came to light. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 I wonder if I just don't know what Love is in a marriage? This is something I wrote for my youngest son and his wife for their wedding many years ago. I still believe in it. 10 Commandments of Marriage Marriage is the sum of all its many parts. If any of those parts is missing, the marriage is missing something essential. Here are those necessary parts. 1. Friendship: Ideally, before you marry you become friends. You really take the time and make the effort to get to know one another. In time that friendship begins to take on an innocent intimacy because you feel free to discuss personal issues you would only talk about to a true friend. 2. Relationship: Over time the friendship develops into a relationship. You begin to know one another more closely and, in time, there is an exclusivity about the two of you and others know that you are together and becoming one. 3. Love: As the relationship grows, love replaces like and there is sentimentality about the relationship that goes beyond acquaintance and becomes longing and need. You want to spend all your time together. 4. Commitment: Becoming engaged signals a commitment, one to the other, which, at the proper time, is solemnized with a ceremony meaningful to both parties and you have now become husband and wife with every intention of making the bond inseparable and permanent. 5. Fidelity: This is what you pledge when you marry -- forsaking all others and having an exclusive relationship wherein there is trust, constancy, shared vision and unquestionable loyalty to your mate. 6. Individuality: Each of you bring your own, individual and unique strengths and weaknesses into the marriage. While the act of marrying implies a melding of these, you each fell in love with the individual you are now married to and while a marriage is full of compromise, each must retain the individuality that made you fall in love in the first place. 7. Independence: Each of you must be available for the other to lean on occasionally but not to smother. Ideally, when times are difficult you lean together to combine your strengths. Neither should be wholly dependent upon the other but each should be able to depend on the other. Maintain the delightful independence which brought you together while working together for the common good. 8. Equality: Each of you must give 100% to the marriage and to each other, and more. No one of you is more important in or to the marriage than the other. Neither of you is subservient to the other. Both of you have equal responsibilities and equal rights within the marriage and your lives together. 9. Mutuality: In all things you must present a combined front to the world. There will be many things that may wear on or tear at your relationship but if you face them, strong and united, they can never prevail against you. 10. Spirituality: Whatever your independent and individual beliefs, marriage is a uniting of the spirit as much as it is of the flesh. If you have no spiritual belief in and bond to your marriage, you will be lacking that which sets us aside from the beasts of the field. In the bible there is a passage about the first and great commandment and a second that is like unto it. In marriage, the first and great commandment is "Put your marriage first." The second is, indeed, like unto it. "Put everyone and everything else second to your marriage." Children come, grow and go. Parents pass on. Siblings and other relatives scatter. Friends relocate or you may grow beyond them, or them beyond you. Jobs and the people in them change. In the end, all you have to totally rely on is yourselves, and all that within the framework of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 All these things are great and can help maintain a good marriage, but there are never any guarantees not matter what you take into a relationship, and not matter what the couple believes in or practices. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 This is something I wrote for my youngest son and his wife for their wedding many years ago. I still believe in it. 10 Commandments of Marriage Wow I agree and that was really nice of you do write that for them. All these things are great and can help maintain a good marriage, but there are never any guarantees not matter what you take into a relationship, and not matter what the couple believes in or practices. There's no guarantees with anything but if both people are willing/devoted to make the marriage work, it CAN and WILL work. Link to post Share on other sites
IWalkAlone Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Many people get hung up on the "In Love" feelings that are created when we first meet someone we are attracted to, and don't understand that these feeling are just that, temporary. When this chemical process wears off, many people think they have fallen out of love with their partner and pursue affairs/divorce to find that feeling again. So what's the difference between "in love," infatuation, and obsession? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 So what's the difference between "in love," infatuation, and obsession? The eye of the beholder! Infatuation is what you usually experience eartly-on when the pheromones and hormones are raging, you can't get enought of the person, want to be with them all the time and are "head-over-heels" in love and lust with them. Obsession is an illness. "Nuff said? In love and love are the more constant and lasting emotions that are a mix of passion , trust, belonging, comfort, reliance, sensuality, spirituality and other feelings that cause that person being in your life to be just right. I love my wife and am also in love with her. The former makes me committed and the latter makes me want to romance her daily in small but meaningful ways which keeps it alive and vibrant. We are good together. That's probably because each of us would be good apart from one another. A marriage is not two halves coming together to make a whole. It's two wholes coming together and enhancing one another. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 After getting myself involved in a heated EA for 18 month's and ending up in NC, I wonder if I just don't know what Love is in a marriage? Is there such a diffrence in beign in love with your spouse than saying you love them? Hope I made sense here? AP:) When someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you," that can be translated as "I don't want to give up the meotional & financial support I get from you, but I don't want to have sex with you." Link to post Share on other sites
Great Gazoo Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 After getting myself involved in a heated EA for 18 month's and ending up in NC, I wonder if I just don't know what Love is in a marriage? Is there such a diffrence in beign in love with your spouse than saying you love them? Hope I made sense here? AP:) It does not matter what you say, marriage takes alot more than being in love or saying I love you. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 When someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you," that can be translated as "I don't want to give up the meotional & financial support I get from you, but I don't want to have sex with you." yeah it's something like that. My translation, albeit a little different, would be "I don't wanna change the status quo, but I don't wanna have sex with you" Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 "love" and "in love" are all about how you perceive the relationship. "in love" focuses on the fantasy of that relationship, making that relationship conditional on how happy you are with that person. When reality comes walking in, the relationship will take a strong hit unless there's actual "love" involved, i.e., the stuff that helps you to see that even if it is crappy at times, it's where you want to be because you believe in what you have with that person that you're more than willing to go through the trials of fire and boredom with them. lol, lately, I've defined love as "he kisses you even though he knows you're nursing a bug" ... Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 I think marriage should focus more on being a mutual partnership that works towards a common life goal, such a a family or whatnot and less on the lofty idea of romantic love that marketers sell society on. With That Happy Valentines day everyone! Hallmark, Hersy, and Vermont teddy bear wants you to celebrate that loving feeling. Evil snicker. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Is there such a diffrence in beign in love with your spouse than saying you love them? Hope I made sense here? Nope, you didn't. . But I'll answer anyway. You have to be in love and love your husband as afriend and relative. Infatuation is not enough, but it's necessary at the beginning. If you don't desire your husband, find him intriguing and sexy and great... it's not the right love, it's not the right man. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 from a longtime married couple: "As the years have gone on, our love has gotten stronger. We help each other, and we work as a team." – Carl Lavin http://www.mysanantonio.com/salife/family/stories/MYSA021407.01A.Timeless_Love.1b7975e.html Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 But I'll answer anyway. You have to be in love and love your husband as afriend and relative. Infatuation is not enough, but it's necessary at the beginning. If you don't desire your husband, find him intriguing and sexy and great... it's not the right love, it's not the right man. Very well said RC. I think it's important to be both in love and love each other in a marriage. Being in love with your h makes for a hot sex life which is important to me in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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