Space...the final frontier!

[ACE123]

Hi all I'm new here and need a little help.

This'll be a long one, so sit back and relax!

 

It all started a year and a half ago.

I was in a relationship for about 5 years at the time, living with my girlfriend.

Well, My job as an aircraft mechanic can be really stressfull.

I often compare my job to like being a war veteran, no one else really understands, because they haven't experienced it.

 

Anyhoo, thats when we hired a new employee to our crew.

A very beautiful woman, 10 years older than I, who is an apprentice mechanic

Well, we got to know each other by working together every shift (we're on the same crew) and my relationship with my girlfriend at the time was deteriorating.

Understand, I had been waffeling about breaking up with my girlfriend for a year prior to meeting this new, gorgeous co-worker!

 

So, after breaking up with my girlfriend, and having her take half of my stuff (grrrr...) , I spent time with my co-worker friend, both on shift, and the odd time, having coffee and conversations with her off shift.

My company then put me on a 5 week course, so I was not working in the same building as my lovely friend.

We would meet up for coffee or dinner at night and talk for hours.

Well, one evening she let me know her fellings for me, I was floored!!! I had always hoped she had liked me in that way as I had really fallen in love with her.

So, I started a relationship, only 2 weeks after ending a 7 year long relationship.

I was bound and determined not to make the same mistakes that caused the first one to fail. (lack of communication being the primary cause!)

 

Anyhow, here we are, 2 months into a relationship, I still have no couch at my place, so needless to say I spend a LOT of time at her place.

 

Well, we work together.....and now that people at our work know about our relationship, they are actually handeling it very well.

 

The problem that I am having lies in the time we spend together.

We used to talk for hours and hours, now, not that much any more, but I think that's because we share so much of our lives together, that we don't really have a lot to say...it is more or less just 'understood'.

 

Well, it would seem that this excessive amount of time we spend together has took its toll, and we had a very long talk last night about her needing space.

You have to understand, she has spent years alone, supposedly by choice and is not used to being around a signifigant other most of the week, let alone working with them.

I however, am not nieve, and realise that a big part of me wants to jump into an 'everyday, every night' kind of relationship, like I had with my previous girlfriend. (although she was not a co-worker)

Therefore, I agreed that we needed some space....work is work, and days off are days off, and I am keeping a mental check on my heart so that I don't screw this up!

 

However, here lies the problem.

I am so in love with this person, I can not keep her out of my head, I'm actually a little scared, because I know if this relationship should fail... for any reason, I would be devestated.

 

I'm having a hard time not phoning her, so she's called me a few times today.

I haven't seen her at all today...and I REALLY MISS HER!!

 

But I left the ball in her court, and she decided to spend the evening alone at home, as I am doing right now.

 

I think I am handeling this right, I suppose time will tell, but I really love this person, and both of us want to make this work.

 

Sooo, if any of you have any experience in this matter or any advise I would really like to hear it!

 

Thanks for listening!

[Tony T]

So you're in love. What are we supposed to do about it?

 

Don't screw this one up, bub. This lady could get sick as hell of you real fast if you stay in her face 24/7. On the other hand, if you suddenly get real smart you can drive her mad if you get a little mystery about you and not call her for a few days...and give back what she's giving you.

 

For some reason, you seem a little needy...not much. Your behavior is pretty typical of a person who's smitten by a new love but who doens't know the strategies for making love last. Women tend to be far more attracted to men who are a bit aloof and know when to be romantic...and know when to seem a little distant. They like to keep guessing. They love a challenge...they eat it up in a massive way. They want a guy they can see has a life away from them.

 

If you give the store away right now, at the inception, you're a gonner. This lady fell in love with you, in part, because you had a girlfriend and were seemingly unattainable. Now she's got you and you don't look quite the same in her eyes. People always go nuts about what they can't have. Remember that and put a little of that element back into the equation. Don't give yourself to her constantly or she will get SICK!!!

 

The only way you're going to keep her interest is to give her a very good impression there's a lot more going in your life than her. That means strike a very good balance between being very loving and romantic towards her...and doing your own thing without her...and without calling her...somewhere else.

 

It's time to grow up and get this stuff right. Take a cold shower and get a life going outside of your romantic interest or you're going to kill this one dead before it even has a chance.

[butterflyz]

i agree with tony that you need to strike a good balance between life with her and without her.

 

where i disagree is that you need to play a game to win her love. she fell in love with you, not because you had a girlfriend, but because of you (isn't that nice?). women don't like men who play games. yes, there are women who want the chase, just like guys who don't like women who are too convenient. hopefully the two of you are just open and wanting a relationship with no strings.

 

i've had varying degrees of togetherness in my relationships. my first husband and i spent every waking minute together. it was a needy situation. and then, it became boring at times because we didn't have anything new and different to add to the conversations. my second husband and i barely spent any time together. when we were dating, i saw him 2 times per week (one night was baseball with the buddies and the second night was saturday) but when we got married, our schedules changed and we saw less and less. not good either, because we developed separate lives.

 

so, hang in there. find out exactly what she means by the space she needs. maybe it's not the amount of time you spend together, maybe it's more of the emotional space you are taking up in her life. maybe it's just very overwhelming to her to have someone that loves her so much. i don't know what that feels like for someone to love me anymore, but if i did encounter that, i would hope that the guy would not be offended if i asked him to consider that he might be overwhlelming me and give me a little time to adjust. maybe that's what she's asking you to do. but find out for sure.

 

you can ask her, "you know, i was thinking. i love you so much that i am feeling that that love might be overwhelming you right now. is that the case?"

 

i don't think you'll lose her, you might get her to open up.

[butterflyz]

i meant to say "no strings played on your hearts", not no strings. i realize you want a real relationship. sorry for the goof up. duh.

[ACE123]

Tony and butterflyz:

 

I think you folks both brought up some valid points there.

If I remember correctly, in one of our late night conversations, my co-worker/girlfriend mentioned that she was DEFINIATELY NOT interested in a co-dependant relationship.

 

Understand again, she has survived 2 crappy marriages, both of which she ended, then raised a son (who has subsequently grown up and moved out) on her own.

Suffice to say, she is a very independant person.

 

That's a big change for me, coming out of a relationship with a very dependant person, both emotionally and financially.

 

Needless to say, she has told me that she does not want someone to come into her life and try to change her.

 

That is not my intention, and she knows that, I've told her.

 

However, she's also mentioned our age difference. (she's 38, I'm 28)

She thinks at this point in my life I should be out partying with my friends, searching for that perfect someone, and considering settling down.

Quite simply, I'm not that kind of guy.

I have no interest in having children, not that I don't like kids, I just look at the sacrifices my father made (also on an aircraft mechanic's wages) to support a family, and that's not the life I want to lead.

As far as settling down, I want it to be with her.

However, I would never tell her that, at least not yet, the reason being, many of her past relationships were axed because the guy moved way too fast.

I quess she's just that kind of gal, all of the men in her life fell for her VERY hard!

 

So... yeah, I CAN NOT give myself to her constantly or she WILL get SICK!!!

On that same note, asking her a question like the one butterflyz suggested would set off alarm bells in her head!

 

So, I'm thinking you both were right in a lot of respects, I need a life outside of my work, and girlfriend, and I also need to give her the emotional space that she is used to.

All the while, I think I should be there for her should she need someone to talk to, and I CAN do that while not spending 24/7 with her.

My only fear is that if we spend too little time together on our days off, we will unconsiously view our workplace as a place where we go to see each other, and not a place where we go to work!

However, our jobs are extremely important to us, and we are both very professional people @ work so I hope that will not be the case.

Any other suggestions?

[butterflyz]

so the question idea wasn't so hot...let me think......

 

alright...question for you:

1)the age difference - you say that her being 10 years older than you makes no difference to you. but, when you are still looking good at 40, she's 50. are you still going to be attracted to her? not all of us look like susan sarandon at 50. also, have you got the partying out of your system. a guy at 28 still has alot of party years left. she's mellowing out now at 38.

 

2)can you be comfortable with someone who is not codependent, or dependent on you financially or emotionally? will you be able to view an independent woman's kind of love as love? or will you attempt to smother her and try to convince her that she should accept that as love?

a relationship with an independent woman can be VERY loving (chicken soup when you are sick, a buddy to have fun with, a shoulder to cry/vent on,etc) but it's not going to be the needy, sick type of love that we all thought was love when we were kids (like with my husband #1). she'll feel those same feelings, even WANT to be dependent on someone emotionally, but she knows there's a healthy way to do it and there's not. she may be scared too.

 

when a relationship first starts there's that stage where you can't get enough of each other and then it slowly automatically adjusts to a comfortable pace that allows the other things in your life to fit in again (chores, friends). that doesn't mean things are waning. so maybe this woman you are dating is just readjusting.

 

I think you are right, you need to spend the fun time together otherwise you will see work as the place you see each other and not work. so, how do you do that? ok....you need to provide her your insight. it sounds logical, makes sense. i don't see why she wouldn't understand that.

 

my parents worked in business with each other. each ran a different part of the business, but i wouldn't base anything on their relationship. my second husband and i worked for the same company, in different divisions, and it never was a problem. i used to like it when he would come into my department on his breaks to say hi. but when our departments had to interface, we were all business. the only problem was that if we had a disagreement or if there were any problems, the whole company knew. i am a private person so it bugged me alot that our business was out there.

 

i think you just need to be honest with her. i think if you feel like calling her, call her. if you don't want to appear to be too much, make it an "i love you" call so it's just a few minutes. you'd be surprised how those "i love you" calls can make a heart smile for hours. i think if you are patient and consistent in your behavior, her fears will dissapate.

[ACE123]

That's kind of funny butterflyz!

 

That is EXACTLY the way I'm approaching this!

 

Both of your questions have very valid points, and in order for you to understand the answers to them, you woiuld have to know both her and I.

 

Anyways:

 

1: Yep, she WILL look as good as Susan Sarandon when she's 50.

(she is truely an amazing gal who looks MY age!

Besides, I'm not a heavy partier, I got that out of my system at a very young age... as did she!

 

2: Yes, I am comfortable with an independant girlfriend. However, I am not nieve enough to say that it will not require a little getting used to from my experiences!

She is a little scared I'm sure, but hey...no pressure from here!

She knows how to show her feelings towards me in a manner that ALWAYS makes me smile! She deserves the same!

 

So needless to say, we are both still very happy, but I must be careful in how I persue this.

 

I definately do not want to scare her off, and if I am mature with my emotions, and not convey a "needy, sick type of love that we all thought was love when we were kids " I think we'll be just fine!

 

It's a little tough to do that though, as I am a typically sappy, romantic kind of guy!

 

Oh well, "I yam what I yam!!"

[butterflyz]

good luck. i hope it works.

[HokeyReligions]

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are approaching this challenge in a good way.

 

A woman I work with is 43. Her significant other is 29. They have been together for over six year and just bought a house together. They have a great "marriage" and no one thinks twice about their age difference -- Including her daughter who is now 22. Age doesn't have to mean anything.

 

I've seen couples work together quite well. My husband and I tried it. It doesn't work for us! I left for something else so that we would each be able to share new experiences with each other. Since you and your gf/co-w are together during the day, maybe you DO need to each spend time with friends and family and be away from each other and then when you do go out on dates you will have more to talk about.

[Ally Boo]

We are all different. Age is an issue with me.

 

Dave, it sounds like you might have something really great here. Just back it up, and stop spazzing. She'll still be there if you don't push her away...meaning....

 

Ya know how someone gets in your face and talks to you...and you push backwards to get out of the way? Well, the same thing happens in relationships. If you just step back, and let them breathe for a minute...they'll come back to you and jump in your arms. Just use your time reading or catching up with old friends...or buying new furniture! hehe

[ACE123]

Hi all!

 

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice!

 

After my last post in the space the final frontier thread, there have been some developments in my relationship with my co-worker!

 

We took a trip on our 5 days off to Vegas, driving down from Canada....well, talk about needing space, nuthing like an 18hr drive over 2 days to get away huh?

 

Anyhow, the trip was awesome, an experience neither of us will forget!

Needless to say, after spending the last 10 days together, 5 working, 5 traveling, we are back at work doing our thing.

Well, the trip was so fun I think we both forgot about the space thing, but now, we find ourselves having the same issues as before.

So, for the last 2 nights, I've been keeping my distance at work, and talking with her after work and on the phone when we get up in the morning....don't worry, I'm not the only one phoning, she calls me, I call her...it's equitable!

 

So, that seems to be working really well, and as unfortunate as it is, our work relationship is totally different that it was before we started seeing each other.

But, I guess we made our choice, and if we can't be 'buddie-buddie' as much at work as before, (due to all eyes being upon us) that's a sacrifice we are willing to make so that our 'off work' relationship can grow.

I really miss the relationship we had before we started seing each other, but like I said, some things are worth it.

 

So again, thanks for all the advice, and thanks again for this neat little forum!...I'll keep coming back here just to check things out!

 

Cheers!

 

ACE123