Tell me she will come back, She is my one true love....

[loveishell]

I just got dumped by my girlfriend of over 2 years. Im 25, and my girlfriend is 19. We started dating when she was 17, and I was 23 ( I know....so shoot me). I have graduated from college, and she just started. Her major is pre-med at a big school. She did not do too well first term, and kind of felt like I was to blame I think.

 

Our anniversary is on the 23rd of December, and we got a hotel and had a wonderful time watching movies, and just being together. For my birthday, and Christmas she wrote me cards telling me how I was her soul mate, and she wanted to be with me forever.

 

Out of Christmas now, we go through the New Year, and no fights ( not that we ever had too many). February rolls around and everything seems normal. On Monday night (the 5th) she was sitting on my lap kissing me, telling me how much she loved me when her sisters boyfriend started messing with her. Just messing around, she kicked him, to which he responded by throwing a pillow at her face. It bent her glasses, and she went downstairs to our room where she was crying in the bathroom.

All of which resulted in her telling me that she couldnt see her self with me forever, she still loves me, but she doesnt want a relationship right now. That she needs to be free from any kind of relationship, because she needs to focus on school.

 

I was living with her, alot of my stuff in the house. Her twin sister lives upstairs and another friend of ours also lives up there. I had to go back and figure out what we were going to do about the house, so I couldnt exactly do the NC thing the first few days.

 

I have started the NC line, and plan to continue on it. It hurt so bad to not talk to her within the last 24 hours in anyway, but I have been strong. We havent missed a day of speaking more than 2 times in 2 years. I love her with all my heart, and know I want to be with her the rest of my life.

 

Its important to note that she didnt really make many friends at school, because shes not a very outgoing person. She doesnt like the club scene, and is pretty reserved. She doesnt really go out to meet guys, and I was her first serious relationship, she gave herself to me.

 

Whats the story here? Am I going to be able to have her back?

 

Thanks so much for any input you can offer, Im really dying here.

[paris38]

it is probably good she has some space away from you. I can't tell you she will come back, you're young too, it may be for the best. She will not be the last woman you love. It's not right that you dated when she was only 17. You took those years away from her and now it's time for her to have them back. The fact that she's reserved, doesn't like the club scene etc. has no bearing on the fact that apparently she has fallen out of love with you and you have to move on and give her her life back.

[Green]

go date some other 17 year old... im seriouse not a cut down or anything

[loveishell]

its not like i sat outside of the highschool waiting for her. she worked on a political campaign with me, and we totally fell in love.

i am really broken up over this...i really need to make it work.

[RocketMan2]

loveishell,

 

It sounds like the same thing that happened to me 5 weeks ago has just happened to you. I feel for you bro

 

Im going to try and summarise how ive dealt with it and the things ive learned so hopefully you can cope easier and quicker....

 

First, some general tips:

 

NC works a treat. I didn't understand its importance until i put it into practice. Be strong. If you feel yourself weakening, come on here and just post how you feel! You'll get plenty of support

 

Get rid of all reminders of her, i mean everything. Box it up and give it to a friend or stick it in the loft so you arent tempted.

 

Keep yourself busy. I didn't to start with, i just wallowed in self pity. Once I started focusing on other things (like work) it gets MUCH easier, you get used to not thinking about her 24/7. When you know you need to get on with work you force yourself to stop thinking it, and it trains your brain to be able to stop thinking about her at other times much easier.

 

Who knows if shes going to come back? Mine hasn't in nearly 6 weeks. Not heard 1 nice thing from her.

 

What I suggest you do is read a few of my threads, I've had lots of very insightful replies which i think may be useful to you too. Do read them all the way through, even if they dont apply totaly there sstill lots of useful support

 

This is the main one

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108714/

 

I hope that helps in some way mate. Just remember, keep posting on here, let it out, dont bottle it up or get weak and break NC.

 

This thread is also inspirational:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/

 

Oo i gtg, the takeaway has arrived, ill post some more soon

 

Rocket

[loveishell]

I am just starting day 2 of NC and I just want to rip my heart out.

I want her back so bad.

I would do anything to get her back.

I know she is going to eventually come around. She seems really happy right now, but I know that is going to be short lived, I just want to fix this. Shes not like other women at all. Not at all.

I have no idea what to do.

Thank you all for your kind words, it is helping tremendously.

From what I have read, most women who do this to men in my circumstance evenutally realize the grass isn't greener, and come back.

I know Im supposed to move on in my life, and I will.... but I want her part of it.

God, I don't know what to do.

Does it mean anything that when I asked if we should give back the stuff we bought each other she said no, they were gifts?

That I bought her a promise ring, and I asked what she was going to do with it and she said "put it in my jewelry box" and then I said "because you may want to wear it again someday?" and she just shrugged her shoulders?

 

I have to think there is a good chance shes coming back..... I just want this to be good again. We have so much left unfinished.

[RocketMan2]

Mate not got time for a long reply at the mo, but i will be back with more, so I apologise that im to the point. Not being mean, but a bit of tough love does help. It helped me.

 

You're looking into everything far too much. Try not to get your hopes up. Its what I did/do and what everyone else does, but things won't get any better for you until you stop it. Stop trying to analyse it. You cant know for sure unless she tells you. So stop going on about it to yourself!

 

You have to go NC to heal yourself. For you at this point that wont mean much. People said it to me and i read it, but i didnt understand what it meant. I'm only just beginning to truly grasp it. One day you wake up and you get it. Its a good feeling because you know it means youre moving on.

 

Dont get me started on jewellery and gifts mate, she sounds like shes being very nice about everything. My ex tried not only to give me my gifts back, but also to tried to make me take them back to the shop and get the money back, then give it to her!!!!!!!!

 

In summary,

 

Stick to NC. If she does contact you keep things friendly and dont bring up the relationship unless she does. Help her see you in a good light, dont be miserable or needy, despite that being EXACTLY how you feel.

 

Chin up mate, i know this isnt what you want to hear, but time really is the best healer. Help it heal you by being strong! Good luck

 

Rocket

[Rooster_DAR]

I am just starting day 2 of NC and I just want to rip my heart out.

I want her back so bad.

I would do anything to get her back.

I know she is going to eventually come around. She seems really happy right now, but I know that is going to be short lived, I just want to fix this. Shes not like other women at all. Not at all.

I have no idea what to do.

Thank you all for your kind words, it is helping tremendously.

From what I have read, most women who do this to men in my circumstance evenutally realize the grass isn't greener, and come back.

I know Im supposed to move on in my life, and I will.... but I want her part of it.

God, I don't know what to do.

Does it mean anything that when I asked if we should give back the stuff we bought each other she said no, they were gifts?

That I bought her a promise ring, and I asked what she was going to do with it and she said "put it in my jewelry box" and then I said "because you may want to wear it again someday?" and she just shrugged her shoulders?

 

I have to think there is a good chance shes coming back..... I just want this to be good again. We have so much left unfinished.

 

You are in a panic state right now, you are heading for a path of big mistakes if you don't pull yourself together. I understand it's hard, but you must keep you diginity and don't beg, plead, or state your case to her it's going to hurt you more than benefit you. Let her go for now, and try to get a grip on yourself. You don't need anyone but yourself, just remember that.

 

Needing someone can be a bad thing, and it's totally different than loving someone. I would be you have a balance of both in you, but you need to let go of the needy part if this is true. Trust my words, if you keep contacting her or making her feel guilty, it will ruin things for you permanently. Give her (and you ) some space for a while, you are both young and perhaps things will be different down the road.

 

Cheers!

[Final Destination]

I'm sorry you find yourself here. RocketMan gave you some good advice. Focus on staying busy. Box any reminders of her up and put them in the closet. Do NOT contact her. You cannot use logic to try and convince her why she should come back. All it will do is drive her further away. Crying, begging, pleading also will only convince her she made the right decision and may even make her angry. If you do these destructive things all she will notice is you are more concerned with your own feelings than hers...that's part of the reason it will drive her away.

 

I made that mistake as did many others here on this wonderful site. (I've been lurking for awhile).

 

What touched me about your post was we have the same anniversary date plus used words like "One True Love".

 

If you feel like contacting her post here instead, write her a heartfelt letter but do NOT send it. Journalling can be very helpful.

 

I thought I would die from the pain but here I am.

 

Stay strong.

[loveishell]

when we broke up, she kept saying that she gave me opportunities to change, etc... she wants a 9-5 kind of guy, and thats not what i have been. i have been in and out of work since i graduated college.

she dated me when i was pretty heavy, and she loved me. i have lost 55 pounds now, and she seems like its nothing. i still have more to lose, but i have to think that if i pull my own **** together, and lose the weight....shes gonna want to come back.

any validity to that?

[RocketMan2]

Ha! My ex dumped me because i was 9-5! Shes regretting it now that she's skint and doesnt have anyone to spoil her and pay for all her sh*t!

 

Well done on the weight loss mate! Keep it up, going to the gym and exercising releases endorphins which make you feel better Also knowing youre looking buff makes you feel good Dont beat yourself up thinking she 'thought it was nothing', im sure she is very proud of you for it.

 

As rooster said, try not to let the 'panic' state that youre in control you. If you think youre about to do something rash, just post it here first and see what people think. I did that a couple of times and im glad I did because i know i'd seriosuly have regretted some things. These guys helped me through it, and they still are!

 

Stay Strong

 

 

Rocket

[paris38]

her love sounds very conditional, like if you don't have the kind of job she thinks you should have or don't weigh what she thinks you should, she won't love you.

It IS great you are losing weight but don't change for her, change for the betterment of yourself. Plus if you lose weight, you will probably attract someone else and realize there ARE other great women out there and you WILL love again.

Also, being a teacher, it is not right you were 23 and pursuing a 17 year old girl. That much difference wouldn't be so bad if she were 19 or 20, but no WONDER she broke up with you, no way is she ready to settle down yet, SHE IS ONLY 19 and realizing there are lots of possibilities (guywise and lifewise) out there for her! PLEASE LET IT GO AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LET THIS YOUNG WOMAN BE FREE TO DISCOVER WHAT SHE WANTS IN LIFE. IF YOU LOVE HER, SET HER FREE. IF SHE COMES BACK TO YOU IT WAS MEANT TO BE. IF NOT, IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

[Green]

its not like i sat outside of the highschool waiting for her. she worked on a political campaign with me, and we totally fell in love.

i am really broken up over this...i really need to make it work.

 

Thats why I said go out and get another woman see how you feel after youve dated some one else. geez man get a hold of yourself go out drinking with your boys or something, stop feeling sorry for yourself its going to be olright

[loveishell]

so my buddy emailed her, and she wrote him back. she said the following:

ANY ideas on what I do from here?

 

I miss you tons man. So I'll just get to the point, I realize everyone is torn up about he and I, but really I was unhappy. He was always depressed and this brought me down. I know if we get back together he would give me space, but right now, that still wouldn't be enough. I don't even think we'll get back together if he does make those changes because I'm too afraid to see him fail, again. All he did for two years was make promises he never kept, and I finally got sick of it. I don't know if I can ever truly respect, or trust him. I'm sorry J and I hope you'll understand, but I guess I'll also understand if you don't. I hope we can still be friends because I still need someone to rag on me all the time, other than my sister. See you man, and if your ever in IC give me a call. Peace.

 

 

what do i do?

[notmakingsense]

I'd put this in the category of "too much information." Suffice it to say that she isn't in to you. Much of what she said may be over-stretching the truth in order to justify her actions -- so don't dwell on it. You need to cut our all contact and focus on yourself. Don't ask your friends to pass on any more information about her or what she may or may not be thinking.

 

Do things that make you happy: Hang out with friends, work out/continue with the weight loss, excel in your career/school, do hobbies that you are in to. Whatever it takes.... focus your energy on healing and forgetting about her. I know, easier said than done, but any further contact by you will drive her away even more and will make you feel even worse about yourself.

 

When you are able to come up for air and think clearly, remember that there are lots of girls out there that will be more mature and more suited to your personality type.

 

Good luck!

[Green]

u need to move on and stop thinking about her. MOVE ON ITS OVER. its tough but its over so stop kidding urself and move on.

[the_total_package]

I'm sorry but I have to agree with KMT. From a woman's perspective, she has really moved on, from reading that email to your buddy. She seems content and happy actually that it's over.

She is working really hard if she is in a pre-med program, I can see why she didn't want to continue a serious relationship with you and after 2 years, her being a teenager through all of that, I am sure she is embracing her freedom fully right now and looking forward to dating others and what that is like. She said you're not what she's looking for at all.

 

At 23 you are very young, she will not be the last relationship you have. It will take time, but please stop focusing on getting back together with her, and focus on getting over her and moving on.

 

 

u need to move on and stop thinking about her. MOVE ON ITS OVER. its tough but its over so stop kidding urself and move on.

[Final Destination]

1) If you feel you can make positive changes then do it for YOU. If you make them for her they will not last and you will begin to feel resentment because you would be doing them for the wrong reasons.

 

2) No more updates from friends concerning her. I know that's hard to do but its not helping anything. If she finds out somehow you will lose even more respect and trust.

 

3) If you love her then show her by respecting her wishes. Leave her be for now.

[loveishell]

Against everyones advice, our NC was broken by the fact that I have to get my stuff out of the apartment still.

When i returned today, I found her there watching my flat screen tv in the living room.

we started talking, and it was not really all that akward. granted i did bring some valentines up. my mom sent one for her and her sister who also live there, and then i took a teddy bear, small box of chocolates, single red rose, and a card. in the card i totally apologized, told her i missed her and wanted to possibly start over as friends and see what happens. she agreed.

an hour or so after i arrived, she said she needed to shower, and i still had some stuff in our room i was sorting through. i basically waited for her to get out of the shower so i could say goodbye again.... (i know its lame)

anyway.... when i gave her the valentines stuff, she smiled, and said thank you.

probably being stupid, i asked her if shed like to talk later, and she said okay, so i called her after she was off work. she talked to me for 12 minutes about lots of stuff, her job, a couple birthday parties shes going to, etc....

i told her i was tired from the novacaine, and she said "oh yeah, well...you probably havent been getting much sleep lately anyway have you.."

 

I guess it seems like there might actually be a shot here... just curious what you all think i should do from here.

 

thanks so much, you guys rock.

[notmakingsense]

...so i called her after she was off work. she talked to me for 12 minutes about lots of stuff, her job, a couple birthday parties shes going to, etc....

i told her i was tired from the novacaine, and she said "oh yeah, well...you probably havent been getting much sleep lately anyway have you.."

 

I guess it seems like there might actually be a shot here... just curious what you all think i should do from here.

 

thanks so much, you guys rock.

 

I don't really understand why you think this latest interaction means that there is a shot. She said thanks to the stuff you gave her... wasn't that just being polite? Then, she told you about parties she's going to, letting you know she has a life without you.... then finally, she smugly let you know that she's assuming that you aren't getting sleep (thinking about her).

 

I guess I'd have to be there -- seeing her reactions to you, but it still seems like she's moving on just fine. Now, you should do the same.

[loveishell]

it was more like the tone in which she said it.

 

oh, she also said shed go to dinner with me next week.

[notmakingsense]

Just be careful she isn't stringing you along until someone better comes along. I think you are doing all the work at making things stay together. I'd be worried if she isn't putting any effort in.

[loveishell]

yeah, you definitely have a good point....

thanks a bunch.

she does return my phone calls though, etc.

[Green]

U might get her back... but if things turns sour this time ur going to be a wreck. Dont pro long this entire lets be friends thing because thats not what u want. You should probably just move on being in love with some one who is making it clear they dont feel the same way about u can only lead to pain, suffering and restraining orders

[Guest]

It really sounds to me as if she's trying to let you down lightly. She knows you are hurting. Please don't read too much in her response. Don't be surprised if she starts excepting less and less calls from you.

 

You need to leave her alone now until dinner next week. Everyone thinks their relationship is different. Do not make the same mistakes all of us have made.

 

If you want any chance, any chance at all in the future you need to leave her alone. You can't love her enough or convince her she is making a mistake. She needs to discover than on her own and she won't if you are always there.