Second chance, anyone lasting after all?

[Nanachu]

Hi All,

 

I would like to get your thoughts about second chance, whether it leads to successful relationship or not....

 

My ex broke up with me the end of Novebmer last year. I found this website and have been keeping LC/NC. About 1 month ago, he started to contact me. I have replied to some of his emails and ignored some. When I replied back after few days later, he replied back quickly. When I ignored, he waited for few days and contacted me again coming up with new topics.

 

The topics are pretty much things that remind me of him (he is good at it). Knowing his personality, I feel that his action has been speaking loud that I am still attractive to him. He has not suggested that we should come back. However, I have common friends and they are telling me that he is waiting for a right timing to bring up the topic: getting back together.

 

Now, I must say that I got the second benefit coming from NC: winning back the ex. Hoewver, I now feel that I lost the primary objective of NC: getting over him. It is hard for me not to think about him when he is contacting me and I know that he wants to come back. I avoid talking to common friends now so that I will not know about his feeling.

 

Yes, I am still in love with him. I thought that I got better while I did not hear from him, but I am so back to my strong feeling for him. More importantly, now knowing that he wants to come back, I am tempted to take his offer (he needs to really beg for) when he does beg for.

 

However, I am hearing from many many people here that they end up in another break-up, often shorter than the initial relationship period. People do not change. Although I am still having strong feeling for him, I certainy do not want to go through what I went through AGAIN. I also started to see a new guy who is really nice (woo, I use the word, nice.... It already should tell you how I feel toward this new guy). My ex's contacts have been interupting me to develop a feeling for the new guy.

 

Do you know any relationship worked well after a break-up? Things can change or somewhat better? I am not sure yet how serious my ex wants me back. I know I can start a casual fun dating with him this moment. But, I am 99% sure that we will end up in a same place if he has not really given a thought to what he has done (or even though he has given).

 

I appreciate any insight. THANK YOU!

[kitten chick]

I'm sure there are some cases out there of Second Chances that do work but I think the majority don't, especially after an extended period of time (i.e. 1 year). Jdub had an excellent thread on her second chance (I want to say it was about a year ago) so take a look for it.

 

Personally, I don't understand the point of a second chance in most cases. If the relationship broke in the first place, what makes people think that it won't break again? Everyone seems to think that because my most recent ex broke up with me as a knee jerk reaction to other things going on in his life that he'll come back to me and they want to know what I will do. I tell them that he is not the right person for me if he's too immature to understand his feelings and react so impulsively. As much as I miss him there has been damage done to our relationship and it will never be the same. He's not a bad person but I think I deserve a great relationship, not the reparations of one that was once good. I could come up with a similar scenario for all of my other ex's. If we're talking about the reparation of a long term marriage where kids are involved then I certainly see the argument for a second chance but when it's dating, no I don't understand it. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who you appreciate back.

[PWSX3]

I am in a separation with my W of 25 yrs & it's been 5 months but we want to see if we can make it work so I'll give you some thoughts I have about my situation and see if it will help yours.

 

The first thing I have learned is unless the two people that are involved don't look at themselves & see what "they" did wrong it will be hard to keep it from going back the same way.

 

It's very easy to find blame in the other person, but each person has to see what they can do to make the relationship better.

 

Take it easy and see if he has changed, see if he is serous about it and I have to disagree with you, people can change, but they are the ones that have to decide if they want to better themselves. There are a few of us here in LS that I feel can say they have changed for the better and that done by seeing who they are & facing the demons within themselves.

 

Since it's been a while maybe you have put up a wall to protect yourself from him hurting you again. You have to decide if it's worth the chance of breaking down that wall and maybe getting hurt again.

I don't know what your situation was, but you are in the drivers seat now, you get to see if he is worth coming back to you & if what he can bring to the table is something you want in your life.

 

You also have to remember if you get back together it can't be like the old days, it will be a new relationship because if the old one was bad you don't want that. It should be like dating a new person because you don't want that old person back.

 

I hope this helps, maybe get you thinking a different way, good luck.

Relations are tuff & for me picking up a few books and reading them helped me out a lot. You can never learn to much about relations.

[Nanachu]

Thank you very much, Kitten C. I will check the post you are talking about. You make complete sense, nothing to disagree about. The only solution is that we both get into an accident and lose our memory, I guess...

[Nanachu]

Thank you very much, PWSX3, too! Yeah, I am very TYPE A person that I believe in my hard work makes things happen. But, the relationship includes 2 people to do so. I will wait and see what he is thinking. I feel that it could be little too early for him to change.

 

When he broke up with me, he told me that our relationship was outside of his comfort zone. All of his ex was very submissive and weak. He had a complete control over the relationship. He could continue when he wants and finish when he wants. When he brought up a break up, they cried and begged suggesting they would change in the way he wanted. He knew that I am not. That was why he was attracted to me to begin with, but it became a reason to break up. He said he was not sure whether he was ready for this. He wants to be friends so that he won't lose me entirely from his life (he was scared that someday I will leave him if we continue the relationship). I kind of knew that he was expecting me to ask for reconsideration when he broke up with me. I did not. I also did not take a friendship offer. He said that he was shocked with my reaction.... So, this suggests that he is weak and insecure. I could not do much to fix those, unless he wants to. Also, I believe that people can change, but won't change to who imposed a lesson.

 

In addition to losing memory scenraio, my perfect scenario is that he will date few girls who will teach him a lesson. He changes and comes back to me. haha. I know this is not a movie and I am not ealry 20's to wait for this.

[Rooster_DAR]

I also believe it's very very rare that second chances work. I know everyone that I have attempted fell apart.

[Guest]

I'm sure there are some cases out there of Second Chances that do work but I think the majority don't, especially after an extended period of time (i.e. 1 year). Jdub had an excellent thread on her second chance (I want to say it was about a year ago) so take a look for it.

 

Personally, I don't understand the point of a second chance in most cases. If the relationship broke in the first place, what makes people think that it won't break again? Everyone seems to think that because my most recent ex broke up with me as a knee jerk reaction to other things going on in his life that he'll come back to me and they want to know what I will do. I tell them that he is not the right person for me if he's too immature to understand his feelings and react so impulsively. As much as I miss him there has been damage done to our relationship and it will never be the same. He's not a bad person but I think I deserve a great relationship, not the reparations of one that was once good. I could come up with a similar scenario for all of my other ex's. If we're talking about the reparation of a long term marriage where kids are involved then I certainly see the argument for a second chance but when it's dating, no I don't understand it. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who you appreciate back.

 

 

I hope this isn't the case because I was suffering from male depression in the worst way and it took over and wrecked my relationship. I've fixed what went wrong through therapy and medication and i'm returning to being me again. I think it really depends on your situation. The anger and pain may not be able to be fixed but I'm going to try my best because it wasn't about people not being in love..it was about depression robbing us of a future. We didn't know what was going on at the time...it was new for both of us.

 

I do believe in working out hurt and problems between two people and many professionals in the therapy field will agree. People are quick to walk away from anything and forget the fact that at the basis of every intimate relationship is love..and that never truly goes away. My therapist is one of the best and the words out of her mouth is that she's helped many people get back together and work out the bumps..even ones that have a hard road like the one I'm walking on. If you need help, seek out a pro (not that loveshack isn't good..it is..it's just not the best help you can find yourself perhaps and I'm sure everyone would agree to that) because maybe they can help you out.

 

I can't say for anybody else that has gone through hell and back with depression, but if you have, make yourself okay with help and try your best to get that love back because you deserve it. Best of luck regardless of your situation.

[Johnny B]

Nanachu -

 

Your situation is identical to mine. I broke up with my ex and have realized it was the worst decision of my life.

 

She is also seeing someone new but she has tried to keep me in her life as a 'friend' to which I have refused.

 

I told her that I want to rekindle just after it happend and she said no, 1. b/c she had just started seeing someone else and 2. I'm sure she didnt believe that I had changed at all.

 

Now, 2 months later I feel that I have fully addressed the demons that tormented my soul and made me be an a$$ to everyone, especially her.

 

Can you tell me more about your feelings for the new guy? Do you really like him, does he fill the void that your ex left? Is it a combination of both?

My ex has been dating someone for 2 months and for all I know, they're doing great, but I wonder how much of that is just b/c it just feels better than what she remembered from me. And I'll admit with all of the good we had, there was certainly bad. I still believe she has feelings for me.. but I dont know how/when/or if I'll ever get a chance to show her that I have made so many changes that I am basically a new man.

 

Thanks for this thread. Let me know what happens.

Johnny

[thecount]

I really don't think that 2nd chances really do work, hell some of us here have giving it 3rd or 4th chances. They don't work onless both parties are willing to work at it. (Key word there "Both") The love for eachother has to be so profound that nothing will ever tear it aprat. Too late, something did.

 

So here it is, forgive and forget. Can you forgive that person for what they have put you through, and can you forget the PAIN they put you through? I don't know anyone including myself that is that strong. That kind of pain stays with you forever, ...and with that you'll have the trust factor. Without trust, you have no love.

 

So do yourself a favor, unless you're willing to forgive and forget, and you both have this profound love for eachother. Run, runaway and don't look back, because you will be headed for a downward spiral. You will be the only one hurt in the end. not him. and that "nice guy" you're dating will be making another woman happy, and not you.

 

If you're happy with the nice guy, why would you want to go back to someone that put you through hell? Don't think back to the happy times you had with your ex, everything starts off great. It's what ends it. Do you really want to go through that again? I don't think so...

[Canuck2006]

I agree with the count..it takes two. It takes two people not forgetting..but forgiving and letting go of the pain.

 

I'm personally in a situation where I was in a very loving relationship and became sick with mental depression. It really messes up your mind and you get angry and sad and just mixed up. She did her best but neither of us understood that I needed medication and a therpist to get better from it. We're 4 months seperated and I think about the good times all the time because if I wouldn't have been sick they would have been pretty much all good times. I'm fixing the sickness and understanding it. I hope I can sit down with her and explain what it was that happened and that it wasn't our fault. I'd love to start over again with her and even though there was bad times, in my case I don't think a sickness should rob you of having good times in the future. I just hope she will forgive me and understand.

 

For the rest of you guys that are just dicks..too late.

Just kidding. I can't coment really except on my own situation.

[Nanachu]

Thank you very much, everyone, for sharing your thoughts. You are all right. My brain agrees with you, but not my heart.

 

Thecount, it is a tough question: can I forgive and forget? I cannot say that I can do it, but I am willing for him. However, I am not sure whether he is. He wants me very bad to feel this way. As he is the one to break up, I am not sure how strong he is feeling this although he claims that he wants to get back.

 

I completely agree with the statement that both parties need to work on it and want to work on it. I cannot work hard by myself and cannot make him want to work on it.... Again, thank you all for your advice!

 

Johnny B:

I really like the new guy. We have been great. However, the fact that I am in this website writing about my ex should prove that I love my ex more than my new guy. It won't be easy, but if my ex convinces me his seriousness to work things out, I would break up with my current guy and give my ex a chance.

However, it has been only few months after we broke up, I cannot believe that he has really changed. So, on one hand, as I said above, I am thinking that I will select my ex, on the other hand, I am hoping that my feeling will move to my current one 100%. I am hoping....

 

Addtionally, I actually broke up with one guy (who I was with 5 years) before my ex. When I decided to be in a relationship with my ex, the guy who I was with 5 years had no chance. My feeling was completely for the new guy (meaning my ex). So, it is tough to say. I am sorry that I cannot give you an answer, but I must say "it depends."

 

I need to know more detail about your relationship (how bad it was) and how it got ended, how she has been behaving to you. If you can let me know, I may be able to say your situation to closer to my ex or my ex of 5 years....

 

Thank you!!!

[Johnny B]

Nanachu - Thanks for the interest and response. Here is the link to my thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109548/

 

I would say to read the excerpts here to get a full understanding.

 

Basically, I was not 'bad' to her, there was very much good as well. The bad refers to me being cold and distant sometimes, which comes from my commitment issues and the fact that I've always just dated girls for a few months and then leave IF I feel like there was nothing there.

 

In my case I broke up with her at the end of the summer b/c I felt like I wasnt giving her what she deserved. Then she tried to get me back for months, but I started dating new girls and she was always there as my friend, so I had my cake and ate it too. It wasnt until she started dating the new guy in December that I realized I truely lost her.

 

I tried to get her back to no avail, realizing that there were many personal and emotional issues that I needed to deal with that prevented me from realizing what an angel I had.

So here I am today, vowing that I'm a new man.

 

However since I stopped, asking for her back and even going so far as to wish her well in her new relationship... she began sending me random little text messages, about random things. She even got me a birthday gift with a note saying she hasnt forgotten anything. That was 3 weeks ago.

Last week, when she referred to her new relationship specifically, she said that she's not sure 'what it is or isn't" I think that might have been more to protect my feelings rather than saying ITS GREAT. Because I know that they are still together. So I dont know.

 

My thought is that these messages are to just keep me close, b/c if she really wanted me, she would come. I fear that she will stay with her new b/f and I've lost my chance.

I only hope that the changes I've made as a person, will benefit me greatly in any new relationships I have.

 

Thanks,

J

[alphawife71]

I read your letter. Gosh, you reminded me of myself the first time I broke up with my boyfriend. Well, I got back together with him. told myself how much I loved him and even felt that he was indeed my soulmate. now, only 4 months since we've been married and I feel like I made the bigggest mistake of my life. I am seriously considering divorce. something I never thought i would do. We went to counseling before the wedding, that's probably the only reason the wedding happened, and back then I thought we would really have a good chance at making it. that he finally understood where i was coming from and that he would actually work at it, but he didn't. he didn't want to continue with counseling, and 2 of the the 3 "c's" of any relationship have now disappeared: communication, and compromise. TAKE IT FROM ME...save yourself the hassle. give yourself more time without that ex and soon you'll forget him and thank yourself when you find that great guy who truly makes you feel like youre his world!

 

the reason I think I was still attracted to my guy, is that he was familiar to me. I guess it was easier to be with someone I knew. no matter how bad it was. I did miss the relationship, the companionship part. I was alone. and even though i dated, the new guy and I didn't have the time, the history that I did with the ex. don't let it happen to you.

 

the truth for me now is that all the little things he doesn't change is quickly eroding the love and the attraction i had for him. Most times it's not worth talking to him. we sit at home in silence in separate parts of the house. I don't even care for him to touch me. I used to think he was the most handsome guy in the world. now, even though he gained a little wieight, he is still attractive, but it doens't matter. we don't have a relationship. we are two people living separate lives under one roof.

 

it's sad really, but i think i will get myself to a comfortable place financially then eventually divorce.

[IThinkIllGoToBoston]

 

Addtionally, I actually broke up with one guy (who I was with 5 years) before my ex. When I decided to be in a relationship with my ex, the guy who I was with 5 years had no chance. My feeling was completely for the new guy (meaning my ex). So, it is tough to say. I am sorry that I cannot give you an answer, but I must say "it depends."

 

 

Nanachu - was your breakup with "the guy of 5 years" bad? How long after you broke up with him did you start dating your ex? Did you break up with the 5 year guy FOR your ex? Sorry for all the questions, i'm in sort of a similar situation (kind of)...

[Trialbyfire]

[rant=tbf] In my situation, the second chance didn't work out. Lack of consistency, lack of effort, lack of respect, lack of trust and lack of integrity destroyed it.[/rant]

 

Sorry, a bitter flashback. I'm done.

[Island Girl]

A few of the guys I had broken up with got second chances. But then I broke up with them again.

 

To be honest I was just needing some attention and the second they got back into the lovey dovey phase (way too quickly) it reminded me, STRONGLY, of why I had broken up with them in the first place.

 

Yes I know. Bad bad bad.

 

Those were my younger years - I'm not like that now.

[AriaIncognito]

I've done 3 chances with my current ex, but as thecount stated, it takes TWO.

 

A second chance only has a chance if BOTH parties are willing to put the effort into it. Me, I was going into second (and third) chances with a commitmentphobe. He never said he'd try to get help for his anxiety, I was just the moron who kept letting him come back.

 

So please, if you do go in for a 2nd chance, please make sure both of you are in it for the right reason...

 

Its hard, I know, given the shot at chance four i'd probably take it, but he'd need to prove to me that he realized his issue (Cp) and as getting help or actively working on it for himself.