Curmudgeon Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Back tonight and keep the posts coming!! When you return, please keep one thing in mind. If you actively looking for trouble the chances are increased that you'll find it. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I'm male, traveled for week + trips 3 times a year, never cheated. I was always horny before I left home because I could remember how lonely it felt eating in restruants, surrounded by strangers, and sleeping in hotel rooms alone while away. I would usually send home two or three letters a week in addition to phone calls, I knew that at least some of them would arrive home (across the country) after I had returned, (most of this happened before the age of e-mail and common cell phones). On the other hand, when my ex took her yearly trip (with our 2 kids) to her hometown (250 miles by car) to "catch up" with friends and reletives she didn't seem to change. She never called home, or contacted me unless it was to say she was staying over a couple of additional days. Of course she never mentioned seeing/sleeping with her high school boyfriend on those trips. Both males and females have their share of dirt thrown on them... sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I don't think of it having any relation to cheating... Instead, it makes me think of December 31st - when I stuffed my face with tons of heavenly, fattening, decadent, delicious (yet bad for me) food because I knew I wasn't going to be "getting any" after January 1. I think he's just "stocking up" on his lovin'! Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 I don't think of it having any relation to cheating... Instead, it makes me think of December 31st - when I stuffed my face with tons of heavenly, fattening, decadent, delicious (yet bad for me) food because I knew I wasn't going to be "getting any" after January 1. I think he's just "stocking up" on his lovin'! Thanks ya'll. I'm having a rough wknd. H left today for "business trip" until tues. He is returning on Tues. nite b/c I complained that V day is such a big day for cheaters...So he's home on Wed. and then leaves again on Thursd. morn...so he can say he was here on V day...He's particularly defensive when I mention a certain co worker that I caught him having "a business dinner and drinks" w/ last summer. He lied to me about it and I found out by accident...He forgot to delete the obligatory one minute cell calls before they met that night, and I saw the calls when he arrived home for one day before he headed to where she too, was going on "business" ...Turned out, it IS a local where he has an office, but it's also where she lives. He explains it now by telling me; before I almost went to the Co. Xmas party, that she has been dating another coworker who lives in this local for two years...The person she is dating just happens to bethe son of someone my H's parent's know very well..His parent's I mean. The man is separated apparently and has been with this co worker for two years...She apparently moved there to be with him...It's a wierd story that really got my radar going. It's just so damn jumbled and confusing that I can't put my finger on it. Was he some how trying to cover his tracks should I have actually gone to that Xmas party? For the record, I've never met anyone that he works with with the exception of some in the local office that I've known for years. It would have been the first time that any of them had ever laid eyes on me, or spoken to me. It ended up that we could not attend due to our son getting very ill. Sorry to vent..I just wish I could figure out what it is about this woman and why I feel so threatened by her. I did call her and leave a voice mail after discovering my H had lied about having dinner/drinks with her...I told her that I thought it was inappropriate and if there was "business, as my H told me", that they could not conclude during normal business hours, to please have the meal brought in or have another collegue join them. He is her superior, I might add, and according to him, when I asked, very attractive and 20 something. Thanks ya'll... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Hey ya'll I just posted something on Infidelity if you're interested in this thread, is there for you too. I'm having a rough wknd...Depressed and son is sick...H is gone..V day, all of that...The one thing I did want to comment on is that I really don't understand what the last poster was saying about whether or not I was actively looking for something? If nothing is there, then I wouldn't find it, would I? Are you saying that ANYONE, whether they have a cheating spouse can find something if they look hard and long enough??? I want to understand what you meant in case it is helpful to me...or someone else...Also, it looked like the blood drained out of my H's face when he asked what I was posting, and I told him what the topic was. He asked what I said, and seemed almost paniced. Paranoid? Mabey, but it struck me as odd, and gave me sort of a sick feeling... Hope ya'll are doing well this weekend.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Also, it looked like the blood drained out of my H's face when he asked what I was posting, and I told him what the topic was. He asked what I said, and seemed almost paniced. Paranoid? Mabey, but it struck me as odd, and gave me sort of a sick feeling... Listen to your gut. I really hope he's being good while away.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I really hope he isn't cheating on you....If he is, I'M gonna come kick his butt for ya! I said it on your other thread, but if your gut doesn't feel right......Listen to it. Vent as much as you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
cbl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The one thing I did want to comment on is that I really don't understand what the last poster was saying about whether or not I was actively looking for something? If nothing is there, then I wouldn't find it, would I? Are you saying that ANYONE, whether they have a cheating spouse can find something if they look hard and long enough??? i feel for you.... it's a tough situation you are going through. my xMM used to tell me that he never ever bought his wife flowers again because of the comment that his wife made.... "are you having someone else so you buy flowers for me because you feel guilty?" he just wanted to do something nice for her.... regardless of whether he had or did not have a mistress on the side. sometimes nothing (evidence of cheating) is there. but it (trouble) will be there if one wants to think it's there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 i feel for you.... it's a tough situation you are going through. my xMM used to tell me that he never ever bought his wife flowers again because of the comment that his wife made.... "are you having someone else so you buy flowers for me because you feel guilty?" he just wanted to do something nice for her.... regardless of whether he had or did not have a mistress on the side. sometimes nothing (evidence of cheating) is there. but it (trouble) will be there if one wants to think it's there. oh...ok..Thanks for the clarification Link to post Share on other sites
Meredith63 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 OOD - I guess I kind of disagree on the "trouble will be there" comment. I am married to my MM, have been for a good many years. In ANY marriage, there is the possibility of infidelity (not just yours and mine). In ones that have already been touched by infidelity, our "awareness may be a bit more heightened" if that makes any sense. Every great once in a while (maybe every couple of years), I check up on something my H says or does. Why? Because I never find anything. To the best of my knowledge, he has never lied to or misled me in all these years. Personally, I think it is just smart. It either tells you why you stay in the R, or finding something tells you that you have a decision to make. JMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 OOD - I guess I kind of disagree on the "trouble will be there" comment. I am married to my MM, have been for a good many years. In ANY marriage, there is the possibility of infidelity (not just yours and mine). In ones that have already been touched by infidelity, our "awareness may be a bit more heightened" if that makes any sense. Every great once in a while (maybe every couple of years), I check up on something my H says or does. Why? Because I never find anything. To the best of my knowledge, he has never lied to or misled me in all these years. Personally, I think it is just smart. It either tells you why you stay in the R, or finding something tells you that you have a decision to make. JMHO Yes, I agree...Sometimes we just need reassurance..thanks Link to post Share on other sites
ohmy3 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 hi i haven't read your other post as of yet, but i do thinkyour H if he has a choice as the Boss shouldn't be meeting up w/ OW work or not if it can be done during the day and if he gets upset when you have brought this to his attention he has acted upset about it well that don't sound right to me.................. i been checking on my won husband for months now something up w/ mine but i have yet to find any proof other than a mid life change at 35 but i have also come to think that if you keep getting that gut feeling look and look the best you can w/ out being caught! till you have proof i keep getting that gut feeling as you that at times i am wondering why my husband doing this crap , unexplained changing, gym, eating, [COLOR=#000]exc[/COLOR]. and i feel sick to my stomach and have got sick a few times , waking up on the dead of night out of a deep sleep w/ this voice in my head telling me to get up look at the cell phone, truck over and have many times but can't find a thing! i read on this site to place a mini voice recorder in the car of the H and likely sooner or later if they cheating they will at 1 time be in there car to call the OW or they will be together and to hide the recorder in the lamp cover (a place it will not ) be found and check it for your proof i looked at [COLOR=#000]walmart[/COLOR].[COLOR=#000]com[/COLOR] and they have them for 30.00 i have yet to get 1 and i am going to as soon as i find the right place i can hide it where it won't be found I am so w/ you it feels so so terrible mentally and physical not knowing what they are doing and if they have or are giving you something that are RED Flags and your GUT keeps telling you there up to something it is hard to remain sane! Take care best you can!!!!! I am so sad to and feel so weak from all the unanswered ?'s & i can understand how your feeling~~~~~~ your not alone............... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 hi i haven't read your other post as of yet, but i do thinkyour H if he has a choice as the Boss shouldn't be meeting up w/ OW work or not if it can be done during the day and if he gets upset when you have brought this to his attention he has acted upset about it well that don't sound right to me.................. i been checking on my won husband for months now something up w/ mine but i have yet to find any proof other than a mid life change at 35 but i have also come to think that if you keep getting that gut feeling look and look the best you can w/ out being caught! till you have proof i keep getting that gut feeling as you that at times i am wondering why my husband doing this crap , unexplained changing, gym, eating, [COLOR=#000]exc[/COLOR]. and i feel sick to my stomach and have got sick a few times , waking up on the dead of night out of a deep sleep w/ this voice in my head telling me to get up look at the cell phone, truck over and have many times but can't find a thing! i read on this site to place a mini voice recorder in the car of the H and likely sooner or later if they cheating they will at 1 time be in there car to call the OW or they will be together and to hide the recorder in the lamp cover (a place it will not ) be found and check it for your proof i looked at [COLOR=#000]walmart[/COLOR].[COLOR=#000]com[/COLOR] and they have them for 30.00 i have yet to get 1 and i am going to as soon as i find the right place i can hide it where it won't be found I am so w/ you it feels so so terrible mentally and physical not knowing what they are doing and if they have or are giving you something that are RED Flags and your GUT keeps telling you there up to something it is hard to remain sane! Take care best you can!!!!! I am so sad to and feel so weak from all the unanswered ?'s & i can understand how your feeling~~~~~~ your not alone............... Thanks for the reply and support. Will try to write more to update later or tom...feeling pretty nervous and low re: My H's trip this week. Hate that it's V day week b/c I know OW's expect to be w/ their MM too, and it makes me feel sad...NOT criticizing anyone for wanting to be w/ the one they love!!! Please don't think that..it just makes me sad, as it would an OW, to think of him w/ an OW... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 If you are the one and only object of his affection, I would imagine that he would be just as eager to be intimate with you when he returns simply because he missed you. Watch his behavior AFTER the trip. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And I would imagine that he would want to show you how much he missed you. Just a thought. Hey everyone! Just an update...My H did NOT initiate s-- when he returned home. Don't know if it's b/c I was sort of bitchy while he was gone due to my paranoia or that he got some while he was gone. Just an update...Would love some feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
zeldazelda Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Hey everyone! Just an update...My H did NOT initiate s-- when he returned home. Don't know if it's b/c I was sort of bitchy while he was gone due to my paranoia or that he got some while he was gone. Just an update...Would love some feedback. you are also forgetting option 3: he just got back from a trip and is tired or just doesn't feel like it. he's a known cheater, but don't leave out other obvious options too, you'll drive yourself crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Hey everyone! Just an update...My H did NOT initiate s-- when he returned home. Don't know if it's b/c I was sort of bitchy while he was gone due to my paranoia or that he got some while he was gone. Just an update...Would love some feedback. Well, he didn't initiate sex, but did he seem all loving and glad to be home... glad to see you, and so on..? OOD I really think you need to find out the truth here. It's driving me crazy so I have no idea how you must be feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Well, he didn't initiate sex, but did he seem all loving and glad to be home... glad to see you, and so on..? OOD I really think you need to find out the truth here. It's driving me crazy so I have no idea how you must be feeling. No, he was not particularly happy to see me b/c I check on his location some while he was gone through the phone gps system..and some were "unable to locate" which means his phone was off. He had previously told me that he would just turn it off when he got irritated about the whole thing. I am very leery about this one local that he goes to on business quite often. I have a bad feeling that something is up, but I don' know how to find out. When I try to ask questions, he gets very defensive and sort of mean...Prior to D day, he would get this way too, although I had no idea at this time what was going on..I have a sick feeling in my stomach that something is up, and I am terrified that when the kids are gone, he's going to dump me and go with someone else. I don't want to be taken for a ride again...PLEASE someone tell me what I can do to find out if something is going on. I've tried everything except putting a GPS on his car and hiring a PI. I want to check his work voice mail and e mail, but he gets really angry and irritated when I ask to do this. He says over and over that he's not talking to or doing anything w/ anybody..Also, I found on his yahoo act that he uses for maps, etc., that he is tracking a trip to hawaii in his travel area. When I asked about it, he said he was doing it for us...Also, I found out by doing a background check sometime ago and then recently to see if there was anything changed or new, that another W., in a different state is listed under is ss#...And is listed under relatives. I tried to look this person up, but was unable to get any info. I do know that close to D day, he admitted there was a woman w/ this name that was on of his OW...Just the first name, he never mentioned her last. I don't know if it's the same woman or not. I found out originally b/c she had called his cell and I saw her # and asked about her. This is when he admitted that she was one. It's wierd..WHY would this one particular OW be listed under his social? and why would she be listed as a relative? Also of interest is the fact that he kept having college infor for our daughter sent home from various schools he wanted her to check out...All in his main area of travel..Most concentrated in the one local I mentioned above. He also tried to arrane a trip w/ one of our kids to go to this city for a Xmas gift. I nixed it b/c of our son being sick and b/c I don't trust that he would not try to do something with a "friend" and our child. He did this some prior to D day at his own admission. This caused our children much confusion and angst b/c they were told not to tell me b/c I would get upset. I have thought of some other things too...He does not seem to want to travel w/ me/us, and every summer when the kids go to camp, he seems to travel as much as possible, most especially to the above local. The first summer after D day, he took me everywhere w/ him but last summer, he got very defensive and angry when I mentioned where we were going to go this year? I don't dare even ask this summer. And then there was our anniv...20 years...I wanted to go somewhere for the wknd to celebrate and he would not agree saying finally, what in the world do we have to celebrate? 20 years of misery? I was heartbroken...Please tell it to me like it is. What should I do..I need concrete proof before I can take action. I do't want to waste another 10 years w/ someone who does not want to be w/ me, like I did before. WHY is it so hard for MM to just tell the truth and let the M go if they want to be w/ someone else? Is it the money? I don't know and am very upset. Please, anyone advise...thanks.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Hire a PI. Your gut is screaming to you, he's not acting very sorry husband or understanding. He should be giving you affection, not only in words, but in action - He's done neither, and him getting irritated isn't helping..... Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Also, I found out by doing a background check sometime ago and then recently to see if there was anything changed or new, that another W., in a different state is listed under is ss#...And is listed under relatives. I tried to look this person up, but was unable to get any info. I do know that close to D day, he admitted there was a woman w/ this name that was on of his OW...Just the first name, he never mentioned her last. I don't know if it's the same woman or not. I found out originally b/c she had called his cell and I saw her # and asked about her. This is when he admitted that she was one. It's wierd..WHY would this one particular OW be listed under his social? and why would she be listed as a relative? Are you saying that the OW's name that he gave you is under his SS# as a relative? If so he either had an affair with a relative, or lied to you about the name and is still seeing this W on trips, or isn't seeing anyone, or the name he gave you just happends to be the same. I nixed it b/c of our son being sick and b/c I don't trust that he would not try to do something with a "friend" and our child. He did this some prior to D day at his own admission. This caused our children much confusion and angst b/c they were told not to tell me b/c I would get upset. Um.. I'm not sure I want to touch this but what? He does not seem to want to travel w/ me/us, and every summer when the kids go to camp, he seems to travel as much as possible, most especially to the above local. What's the local. Try and find out more information about it. Why is he always wanting to go there? ...Please tell it to me like it is. What should I do..I need concrete proof before I can take action. I do't want to waste another 10 years w/ someone who does not want to be w/ me, like I did before. WHY is it so hard for MM to just tell the truth and let the M go if they want to be w/ someone else? Is it the money? I don't know and am very upset. Please, anyone advise...thanks. Well you could either follow him around or hire a PI. For someone who was in an affair, sure likes to travel a lot instead of working on his marriage and trying to spend time with his family. He should be giving you affection, not only in words, but in action - He's done neither, and him getting irritated isn't helping..... I agree. ---------- BTW I was wondering, how long did you say the affair was going on? Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 OOD, i'm sorry to say this but you have many red flags sitting in front of you. I think you need to get out and the sooner the better. Being defensive is a huge sign. He should be doing all that he can to prove to you that he is not cheating. The way he's treating you is horrible. No one should have to put up with that. Especially not you. You are a very understanding and caring woman. You deserve so much more. I agree with the others. Hire a PI and collect all the evidence you can. Then D his sorry a**. I wish you the very best. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
cbl Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 OOD, sorry for what you are going through.... i can't imagine myself being in your shoes. i don't know if i have read all your posts but i do hope that you get some good insights from BWs of serial cheaters. my oldest sister had been sick since the age of 5. i did not remember talking to her (she was 3 years older) she was completely paralyzed probably at the age of 9 or 10 (trying hard to remember). she couldn't eat by her own. no solid food. later on she needs 24 hours intensive care as she had been in vegetated state for the rest of her life until 31. this country where we are living do not have good social security. we are not a rich family - my mom took care of her full time. and my mom died six months after my sister passed away due to gastric cancer. needless to say, my mom was an extremely strong woman. she sacrificed herself for my sister. she constantly told us that she wished she could "do this and that" in her life... she did not have a choice. but you do. you probably remember that my xMM is a serial cheater, and had been dating more than 20 women in his 26 years of marriage (still married). his wife wrote me an email and told me that she had given up all her hope of ever being happy with her husband.... but she will remain married with him until the day she dies (all her words). they read each other's emails. if his wife wrote me email, and saved them in the draft, he would talk her into deleting them; once i sent her a response, he deleted it from her inbox before she even read it; she would overdoze her sleeping pills; she would cry in front of his aging father; she pretended to be another girl and sent emails to their kids to tell them about their father's affair. now their sons are all grown-ups. they are still married. looking forward for their sons to get married and have their grandchildren. i don't know if xMM's wife is really unhappy.... but i would not choose to have her life. so what is it that you want? i agree with other posters that you should hire a PI and find out the truth. after all you need to keep your sanity and find the truth to do you justice. but what if you find out the truth that he's still with someone else? are you ready to leave him? or stick to him, just like my xMM's wife until the day she dies, because of your son? think about it NOW while you can - i don't think i can keep my mind straight when the truth comes out to be the way that i don't want. all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 OOD I'm so sorry to read all this about what's happening... especially his anger and defensiveness and what he said about your anniversary. Have you posted any of this on Infidelity? I'm sure you can get help over there from people who have been through this already. Also maybe think about posting on Separation and Divorce... there are some really great, supportive posters on there too, and they know about turning a marriage round that looks like it's heading straight for the rocks... take a look at some of the threads and see what you think. Thinking of you OOD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 OOD I'm so sorry to read all this about what's happening... especially his anger and defensiveness and what he said about your anniversary. Have you posted any of this on Infidelity? I'm sure you can get help over there from people who have been through this already. Also maybe think about posting on Separation and Divorce... there are some really great, supportive posters on there too, and they know about turning a marriage round that looks like it's heading straight for the rocks... take a look at some of the threads and see what you think. Thinking of you OOD. I have posted some on infidelity but not on sep and div..I didn't seem to get the support on infid. that I have gotten here, but I will try again...Not criti. infid..LOTS of good people there...Just have found you all more helpful...Can't say the local that he travels to b/c I try not to give too much pers. info on here...It's one of the major cities. I have been there many times, w/ and w/out him...I can't tell what he does there b/c to hir a pi to follow him out of state is just too exp..he would know the $ is missing and want to know what it went for...I will think about what you all have said and try to put my thoughts together...Know something is going on but can't put my finger on it. Of course, that IS part of his game and part of the allure...Also, he knows I can't go chasing him around the country b/c of our son...Thanks for the advice..will get back w/ you all later... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Are you saying that the OW's name that he gave you is under his SS# as a relative? If so he either had an affair with a relative, or lied to you about the name and is still seeing this W on trips, or isn't seeing anyone, or the name he gave you just happends to be the same. Um.. I'm not sure I want to touch this but what? What's the local. Try and find out more information about it. Why is he always wanting to go there? Well you could either follow him around or hire a PI. For someone who was in an affair, sure likes to travel a lot instead of working on his marriage and trying to spend time with his family. I agree. ---------- BTW I was wondering, how long did you say the affair was going on? He travels to this local on business...he is always going there b/c that is where alot of his business there...they have a big office there. Whether or not he makes excuses to go there when there is not really legit. bus...I don't know...THAT is a huge loaded question and one which I have pondered alot...Re: the SS# It's puzzling...I just don't know exactly what that means. A PI would.... Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 OOD, All I can say is why in the world do you put up with this man? You don't trust him (for good reason), you are miserable with him, and he treats you like garbage. My husband was abusive and living with him was like living in hell. He also cheated repeatedly (I think). It sounds like living with your husband is like living in hell. Why do you need proof of anything? Your instict is telling you that he's up to something, he's treating you like crap, and isn't affectionate. What kind of husband is that? I left my husband 12 days ago and I have never been happier. I don't have to wonder about what he is doing, I don't have to clean up after him, I don't have to cook for him. I am finally free to stop thinking about all of the crazy things he might be doing and I am free to heal myself and move on. Really, life is WAY too short to be so unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
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