was i wrong to help my daughter out?

[Crystal]

as most of you the on-going sage between my boyfriend and myself so i will spare the details but need an opinion or two.

 

my b'f give's me money each couple of weeks to pay the house bills, and whatever else i need money for.

 

this is in addition to what i make which isnt much because i am working only parttime tho i am looking for fulltime work now.

 

so last week he gave me $700.00 for the month to pay bills with and what ever else i wanted to use it for.

 

our bills dont even come close to that amount so he said to use it for whatever i needed it for.

 

so my daughter's car is ready to break down on here, and she has the baby she needs to take to daycare daily and get to work.

 

so i gave her $300.00 for a down payment on a car, and now he is livid with me.

 

he would not even talk to me last night, and ge got up early this a.m. and left either went to take gramma out for breakfast or went to the shop to work.

 

honestly i feel more and more like a burden to him, to the point where i am ready to leave..

 

i feel that if i left tho that it may look more like i was using him, but i never have, after four years that is not even close.

 

i dont know how it would look if i left him now..

also i've come to realize just how much i hve lost my own ability to make decisions without his opinion or input.

 

when we were looking at cars yesterday, i kept calling him and asking his opinion about them and about the mileage things.

 

after i left the dealership, i kicked myself for feeling, doing and acting like that..i wondered where my own independence had gone, and i felt like crap because i felt that need to ask him before doing anything.

 

i still have money to pay bills as they come in and for what ever else i need it for and i told him that.

 

also he thinks that i have or am going to go use my credit cards again and run them all back up.

 

i told him i wouldnt the only thing i am using one of them for is month to pay off my car insurace, and now he wants proof each month that i pay my insurance cause he is on the car title.

 

i know getting a job is going to solve alot of these issues...if only i could find a job tho..

 

i've not heard back from anyone last week for all my efforts of putting in applications.

 

i got postcards from some places that said they were not hiring...

i've called some back as well only to be told all positions were filled...

 

so it's not like i am not looking because i am but he thinks if i was looking hard enough i would find something, anything even if i did not like doing it!

 

i guess i am done for now..thanks for listening...

[butterflyz]

do you realize that because you have grown dependent on him that, while he feels important, he is losing respect for you?

 

my ex-husband became like a child to me, and i lost respect for him. he lacked the confidence to handle the paperwork and phone calls to build our house and to start the business, and i had to end up doing everything. and i started to treat him like garbage.

 

maybe if you show this guy that you are willing to stand on your own 2 feet he might treat you differently. but you may need to move out and start fresh to make that happen. that is, if you still love this guy and want to make it work.

 

try a temp agency. they will place you in a temp job, that might lead to a permanent one.

 

just my thoughts

[Crystal]

so what happened with you and your ex so that he lost his independence with you, if that is not too personal?

 

the problem with leaving him is i cannot afford anything around here and my family lives about 800 miles away and that is where i would go.

 

the rents there are so cheap, you can rent a two bedroom for as low as $300.00 a month or an apt. for the same price that includes heat paid.

 

that is what i would have to do if i left him, is go back home. i have family and friends there but my kids and grandkids are all here, that is also making things hard.

 

at times tho that is not the issue, my kids being here, not feelng so crappy and like a burden is more important to me cause i am losing so much self-esteem through all this.

 

i am not surprised that he would be losing respect for hm, i also am losing respect for him too for the way he treats me at times.

 

seems more like a father/daughter relationship at times then b'f/g'f and that sucks too.

 

he thinks that i should just try for any job, but he dont realize that i dont qualify for many jobs out there.

 

i have no training in anything so what is one to do?

i wish he could understand that.

 

i even called some hotels to see if they were hiring house keepers and none were, they all said it is too slow now.

 

i will keep plugging along here tho, something has to break either a job or me..

[butterflyz]

i was more educated than my ex. his mom did everything for him, i didn't realize that. when we started dating, he had his own townhome, nicely furnished, etc.

 

but when it came time to build our home, i realized that i was the one making the calls to the builder, mortgage broker, lawyer. when i approached him, he said "you are just better at it." and then i said, "well you had to have done it when you built your town home." he said, "my mother did everything, including decorating".

 

so were were just months from the wedding and i should have stopped it, but i continued to have faith.

 

in the household, i was the one devising our monetary budget, getting things done, being the bread winner. i did most of the chores. i took care of his dying dog. his excuse was that he was "tired". when we got the house, i said i was afraid that i would get stuck with the chores inside and outside the house, he reassured me that he would contribute 50/50. when we bought the bread route as his business, i told him i was afraid that the opposite schedules would be damaging to our relationship. he reassured me again. and again, he was wrong. i started to notice a pattern of him not being able to "see down the road". he underestimated the work involved in a marriage, the house, the business, etc. no vision.

 

after a while, i felt like his mommy and i couldn't even stomach having sex with him. i really felt like he was my son. and i am a sexual person, i enjoy sex a great deal. i think it can be very bonding, exciting and just fun. so i was concerned that i was getting turned off to sex. i thought it was me (once again) and i realized it was connected to my lack of respect for him. i realized it wasn't me because i was having sexual thoughts about other men. but i didn't cheat, i tried to work at the relationship. we went to counseling and he pretty much said he didn't want to work at this. he said he didn't realize how much his life would change from being single (duh).

 

so that's it in a real small nutshell.

 

i think that going home would be a good idea for you. a support system is so vital. the rent sounds good. maybe one of your friends or family can help you find a job there. try it.

[Daisy]

Oh come on, stop with this "if only I could find a job" routine. How many times have you posted here that you were supposed to GO to a job but due to your many health and emotional problems, you bailed out, and lied to your bf about it. You live in denial Crystal. If you think the crux of your problem is that you can't find a job, you're more in denial than I thought you were. Don't give us this garbage.

 

I agree with Butterflyz, he's losing respect for you. He's supporting you and your daughter, perhaps your daughter to a lesser degree but he still is.

 

Why do you constantly play the victim?

 

Why can't you be an adult woman, stop making excuses, get out there and get a full time job and start making your own money. How absurd that you have to rely on your bf to pay your way. I have dated and known many men in my day and I know that not one of them would respect a woman if he had to support her like your bf is supporting you.

 

You act like a child. Because your bf expresses his discontent with you giving your daughter a good sized lump of cash to buy a car with, now you're all sensitive and back to the old "I wish I could leave him but I don't have a pot to pee in so I have to stay"

 

This has been going on here, this exact scenario, and many similar ones, for over 2 years now. Personally, i think the best thing that could happen would be if your bf broke up with you and kicked you out...so that you'd have to grow up and learn to take care of yourself, and stop making excuses.

 

You're the queen of excuses. You make excuses for your behavior, the lies you tell you bf, the jobs you you don't go to, because of your anxiety, your agoraphobia, depression, your thyroid problem, your low blood sugar, your difficult childhood, etc etc. It's really past the point of sad and now becoming the height of pathetic.

 

I don't know why you continue to come back here, posting these same types of posts. People give you advice time and time and time again, and you never take it. You just continue to come back with your same sorry excuses, whining that your bf is so mean to you (I think he's a saint), whining that your life is so tough, and other pity-party things of that nature.

 

Do you have any idea at all, that your man is one in a million? Men like women they can respect. Who have careers of some sort. Women who are independent. Women who are not plagued by health problems. Women who have independent children. Women who can stand on their own two feet.

 

This may sound harsh but for over 2 years now, you've been milking the good people of this forum; and sucking the newbies in so that they'll give you all this sympathy. Those who've been around here know how all this goes. You thrive on playing the victim and it's long past boring.

 

Take a look in the mirror, start getting honest with yourself. STop making up all these lame excuses (which I think you actually make yourself believe). Get some backbone. Get some motivation. Stop being such a wimp. Be an adult. Be a role model to your daughter and your granddaughter.

[Crystal]

okaay here i go again having to explain myself to someone who "thnks" they no me inside and out.

 

the jobs that i didnt go to were my own cleaning jobs, they are very far away and with the agoraphobia/anxiety i did not feel comfortable or safe driving that far.

 

like i said before if you've never experienced any of this you wont know what i'm talking about.

 

as for respect, i have lost alot of respect for him as well. it does work both ways...

 

if he wants to make love, i dont even want to half the time just because during the day he is such an ass not only to me but my daughter, his mother, brother, all of whom works in the same shop!

 

just because one of his deals starts to go down, he thinks he needs to be an ass to those of us who are around at the time.

 

this is not right, this is the way he treats people, not just me, so where do you get this "saint" crap from? you obviously dont know the full story or you would not even think that way about him.

 

just because he helps me financially does not mean squat to me, and i have told him straight up that i need his emotional support NOT financially support.

 

his answer to helping me with my problems, is to throw money at me and tell me to go fix it.

 

would you like that in a boyfriend? maybe so if you are only after money, but i am not.

 

i would rather live in a nice cozy apt. and live below our/his means and not have to stress of a house, but he wanted the dumb house, i dont even like the house, but i didnt say anything about it when he wanted to buy cause i new he would be making the majority of the bills/payments on it, so ifelt i had no right to say i didnt like it so i kept my mouth shut.

 

as for men preferring women that can stand on their own two feet, who dont have health probems, who kids are grown, etc etc etc...

 

what about when their woman gets sick then, do you think that they should just abandon their mate?

 

that is not the kind of guy i would want anyway..

when i first got so sick with hypothyroid, and he started barking orders at me all the time, every day day in day out, called just to yell at me about schmidt..etc..

 

do you think he even took into consideration how i was feeling?

i am not the victim here nor do i play it!

 

i dont need to, the problems that i've had with my health are only too real for you to comprehend if you have not been through any of them.

 

i am not looking for sympathy, or pity, or money, i just want someone mostly to talk to who would understand what i am going through.

 

you obviously would not be a good person for sympathy for anyone cause you dont understand the dynamics of how the human body works even or you'd know what i am going through is not wanted, fun, or enjoyed to any extent.

 

there is not a lot of work around here either..he has suggested i go to the banks and apply at the banks, well i have noooo banking background, they want someone who knows banking..

 

same with the department stores, they just are not hiring, dont you understand that!???

 

that is also why i say i should leave, i feel like such a big burden to him for the way that i am..

 

i dont need you adding to my already developing low self-esteem, by telling me what a saint he is and how rotten you "thnk" i am when i already can feel it myself.

 

it is hard to have respect for him as well when he acts like he does during the day then comes home in the evening and wants to cuddle and kiss and make love.

 

how do you make love to someone who has been ragging on your all day mainly because he is having a bad day or what ever with his work.

 

i help him all ican from home with what ever and everything and anything that he asks me to help him with.

 

so indefense of myself that is all i have to say to you....

[Daisy]

okaay here i go again having to explain myself to someone who "thnks" they no me inside and out.

 

No, I've never professed you knowing you inside and out, but you give more than plenty details of your life, and all your many problems and perceived injustices, that anyone who's been here long enough to read your hundreds of similar posts...well, we know what we're reading.

 

the jobs that i didnt go to were my own cleaning jobs, they are very far away and with the agoraphobia/anxiety i did not feel comfortable or safe driving that far.

 

No offense but I see you as someone who dreams up these social disorders...so that they become convenients excuses for you to do what you won't, when you want...and if you don't want to do it, hey, you have an excuse. There are women in this world who are single Moms, who barely scrape by. I'm sure many of them have anxiety and social phobias, but making 'excuses' isn't going to pay the rent or put food on the table or clothes on their childrens' backs.

 

As far as I'm concerned, people today spend so much of their lives focusing on these hangups. Sometimes ya just gotta buck up and face your fears and stop making excuses. Didn't you used to have a cleaning business? Obviously you didn't suffer from agoraphobia then did you?

 

like i said before if you've never experienced any of this you wont know what i'm talking about.

 

You're totally correct. I don't have reams of social disorders and phobias..but like anyone, I have my own little quirks and insecurities and idiosyncracies. I'm mortified of public speaking, but in my job, I now have to give several inservices and seminars a month.....to hundreds of people. Did I quit my job because I was scared? No. I'm not a quitter, and I don't use men to pay my way. I don't make excuses for tough things in life. I fend for myself the best I can, I put in a hard days work and strive to overcome my weaknesses. I don't spend years online, whining and crying about the same ol', same ol'.

 

as for respect, i have lost alot of respect for him as well. it does work both ways...

 

if he wants to make love, i dont even want to half the time just because during the day he is such an ass not only to me but my daughter, his mother, brother, all of whom works in the same shop!

 

Sorry hun, but I don't feel sorry for you in the least. If you have such little respect for him, you wouldn't be using him like you do. You'd have the self-respect and backbone to either quit bitching about the man that he is, and you'd leave....or else, you'd suck it up and be very thankful for your "free ride." How dare you rag on him, when if it wasn't for him, you'd likely be out on the streets, pushing a shopping cart and living under a bridge. How bold and arrogant of you to talk badly about the man who pays your bills, puts a nice home over your head, food on the table...and takes care of you...so that you're not like many of us, who lie in bed at night worrying about how we're going to make our pay check stretch so that we can pay all our bills and keep our electricity turned on. Your problems are petty.

 

No human being is perfect. Who are you to condemn him? If you don't like how he treats you, get out. But of course, you can't, because you can't even support yourself or work. I'm sure you're no rose to live with yourself. The lies you tell to him, the way you talk badly about him, even though we're only strangers here.

 

I'm sick of people who are perpetual whiners and complainers. You're in charge of your own destiny. Pee or get off the pot. How many times are you going to complain about him, yet freely take the money he gives you. You are using him, and you obviously don't appreciate the things he does for you. All you do is sit and judge him. Take a look at yourself, and I'm sure you'll find that you're not perfect yourself.

 

just because one of his deals starts to go down, he thinks he needs to be an ass to those of us who are around at the time.

 

this is not right, this is the way he treats people, not just me, so where do you get this "saint" crap from? you obviously dont know the full story or you would not even think that way about him.

 

Don't like it? Get out. Leave. The only thing that's stopping you is your inability to be independent, self reliant and support yourself. That's not his problem, that's yours. Find a way to get out..so that he can find a woman who contributes, who's stable, who's not filled with excuses, who's not the perpetual victim from year to year.

 

just because he helps me financially does not mean squat to me, and i have told him straight up that i need his emotional support NOT financially support.

 

Doesn't mean squat to you? Well, if that doesn't show how unappreciative you are, to be a middle aged woman who has a man taking care of her like she's a helpless child, I don't know what is. If it means so little to you, then refuse his money...because to accept money and support from someone you don't respect means you're merely using them. And that's nasty.

 

his answer to helping me with my problems, is to throw money at me and tell me to go fix it.

 

 

Why can't you sort out your own problems? Is he supposed to be your savior or something? Your daddy? Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean having to be their psychiatrist, therapist, counsellor, rescuer, savior, parent, babysitter. Fix your own problems, you're a big girl aren't you? And if you swear your problems are mostly about him, stop using him and for the 594th time, LEAVE!

 

Maybe he's just so deeply tired of all your problems that it takes all his energy (I imagine with him being the only breadwinner in the family, and having to deal with your neediness on a constant basis) to just toss you money. Do you know how many men out there would have tossed your arse out long ago? Why don't you be thankful that he puts up with you, and takes care of you. Do you appreciate anything?

 

would you like that in a boyfriend? maybe so if you are only after money, but i am not.

 

You're not after money? Well if that's the case, why haven't you left him? Oh, I know why, because you have no money of your own. So..obviously you DO like the money quite a bit.....or you'd get off your duff, work and save up to leave such an unhappy relationship.

 

And would I like that in a boyfriend? That's a moot point. I would never be in such a mess of a relationship. I'm independent, I support myself, I don't take money from boyfriends, ever. I don't call in sick to work because I have all these made-up 'problems.' I'm a good and faithful employee who works my butt off, often times doing things I'm not crazy about, but nobody said I was put on this earth to have some dream job.

 

If I was so unhappy in a relationship, and devoted over 2 yrs of my life to posting on boards such as these, with the same old dog-tired rants and complaints, I'd have found a way to leave long ago. If I don't like a situation I'm in, God gave me the brains and gumption to change things for myself.

 

i would rather live in a nice cozy apt. and live below our/his means and not have to stress of a house, but he wanted the dumb house, i dont even like the house, but i didnt say anything about it when he wanted to buy cause i new he would be making the majority of the bills/payments on it, so ifelt i had no right to say i didnt like it so i kept my mouth shut.

 

You know, there are women, and people in general out there in this world, who would give their left kidney to be able to live in a nice home. There are poor people out there who don't use others....who do what it takes to survive. If it means sleeping under a bridge, or at a hostel, or in the bush somewhere, they do it. They don't have all the luxuries that you have, that you seem to take for granted. How arrogant of you to complain that you don't like your home. If you want your tiny apt so bad, get off your duff and live on your own in one.

 

as for men preferring women that can stand on their own two feet, who dont have health probems, who kids are grown, etc etc etc...

 

what about when their woman gets sick then, do you think that they should just abandon their mate?

 

No, a mate shouldn't abandon their partner if that partner is sick.....but there's a difference between a true debilitating illness such as cancer or MS or Lupus or things of that nature, and convenient social problems that are used as handy little excuses.

 

There are women out there in this world today......some I know personally...who are battling breast cancer...and horrible chemo and radiation..and being told they MAY have 6 months to live. In that time, they're holding down a home, raising children, loving their husband and treasuring each day they have. Some days they are so physically ill that it takes all they have to get out of bed in the morning.......they live in fear. But they do the best they can, and they don't make excuses.

 

that is not the kind of guy i would want anyway..

when i first got so sick with hypothyroid, and he started barking orders at me all the time, every day day in day out, called just to yell at me about schmidt..etc..

 

Thousands and thousands and thousands of women have hypothyroidism. I've been dealing with it for many years now. Twice I've had to be hospitalized. I lived alone at the time and didn't have anyone to help me when I was so tired I couldn't see straight, or getting adjusted to my medication. But you know? It's not a fatal illlness. It's not the end of the world. It's a mild inconvenience compared to cancer, MS, Lupus, Scleroderma, Parkinson's, Huntington's, etc. It's a drop in the bucket.

 

I myself have had a very recent scare with breast cancer. I go under the knife in 6 weeks to have a lump removed. There's a good chance it's cancer. I am scared out of my mind but I still go to work each day. I don't have someone to cater to me. I live alone but I don't complain because there are many good things I'm thankful for.

 

do you think he even took into consideration how i was feeling?

i am not the victim here nor do i play it!

 

 

you obviously would not be a good person for sympathy for anyone cause you dont understand the dynamics of how the human body works even or you'd know what i am going through is not wanted, fun, or enjoyed to any extent.

 

Lady, you have no idea whatsoever as to my level of knowledge regarding how the human body works, so don't presume to know what I know.

 

This board isn't about dolling out sugary sympathy to those who spend years complaining about the same petty things. If you want sympathy, send yourself a sympathy card. Is that why you post? Just to gain sympathy from strangers on the internet? So in order words, you're not really here seeking advice with which to make positive and real changes in your horrible life.....you're here to get pats on the head and warm fuzzies with which to justify the excuses you make. Good grief!!

 

I can't hardly believe I've spent the amount of time I have, responding to all this nonsense. I guess I did because, like others, I'm growing amazingly tired of the way you paint yourself to be so hard done by and such a poor victim..when in fact, you make the bed you lie in. Maybe one day, someone here will actually get through to you? Maybe not.

 

By the way, if you're so adamant tha there's no jobs around where you live, well frankly, that's a cop-out. So what you don't have bank training. I see kids out of highschool here, working as tellers. You think they have training? Hardly. They're only 18 yrs old. They show an initiative to learn, and they are trained on the job. Do you think people just magically wake up one day, qualified to work at a bank? No, they go in and show some desire to learn, and they ask to be trained...and they work their way up from there.

 

You could offer to work for your boyfriend if you wanted to...but you've posted numerous posts where you get miffed if he wants you to do anything for him, after all, how DARE he ask you to do ANYTHING for him that you don't want to do.

 

Anyway, this is likely all about as pointless as talking to a brick wall. If you can go to bed at night and feel good about yourself for all of the complaining you do, the excuses you make, well, whatever gets you by.

[Crystal]

"Lady, you have no idea whatsoever as to my level of knowledge regarding how the human body works, so don't presume to know what I know."

 

this is exactly what you are doing to me, presuming to know my level of thinking and thougts on everything that i talk about without knowing all that is involved.

 

you have just TOTALLY twisted this whole situation around sooo bad that i cannot even begin to un-tangle the web you weaved.

so on that note i am not even going to bother trying..

 

however i will take into consideration some of the things that you said like about chemo and ms and what nots.

 

but you have to understand one thing, and that is two years ago when i first got hypothyroid i was also hit with early menopause, and between the two combined that is when i was hit with all the anxiety which in turn developed into argophobia.

 

i am only NOW at a point where i am TRYING to get back on my feet with little to no support from my b'f.

 

i never said i dont appreciate what he does for me, i am saying that i am not using him, nor have i ever, nor do i take advantage of him either.

 

it may sound like that but honestly i am not that way nor have i ever been a user.

 

the point that i was trying to make about the house is that i let him make his own decisions because i know that finacially i cannot contribute as much as i should or would be able to so i really dont give myself much say so in those matters.

 

that is why i say i do not like the house, because i let him pick and choose what he wanted cause it seemed only right.

 

ya know before i met him, i was doing just fine on my own...i had my own little job, my own car, my own place and it was just my youngest daughter, the cat and my dog.

 

life was much simplier then then it is now!

after i got sick with the above ailments, real or imagined think as you want, that is when my life fell apart.

 

i have been trying to re-build myself since then, i have come along way from those times.

 

back then (two years ago) i could not even barely leave my home without someone with me.

 

that is what aporaphobia does to you...it is not something fun or an excuse to get out of doing things.

 

believe me given the chance to be like i use to be or the way i have become i would take back those years and turn them around even if it meant losing two years of my life, just to claim back my life that got screwed up.

 

so i wish you'd stop thinking these are excuses, maybe others can handle them better then what i have..

 

i am not arrogant nor have i ever been arrogant, wrong choice of words totatlly.

 

i appreciate all that i have and what he does(read other posts) tho i bithc about alot of things.

 

in my heart i do fully appreciate all that he does, yet i resent alot of what he does too.

 

i never said i was perfect, if i was, i would be like you i guess.

so i know he has many complaints about me as well and if he was on here you would get an ear full from the other side and wonder why i stay with him!!!

 

get what i mean? there are two sides..

so on that note..i am going to bed..

oh yeah about the bank thing..

 

well most places wont to hire the kids out of school, believe me i see it all the time!

 

i see more and more younger kids taking over jobs that us older people shoud be more entitled to, maybe not myself but others.

 

so on that note......

[Crystal]

i just wanted you to know that after i read your message yesterday that i DID take alot of what you said into consideration.

 

tho i think alot of what you said is off the mark, like i use him, or make up excuses, or that i do not appreciate what i have.

 

those things just are not true.

i am very greatful for all that he does for me, even tho i bitch about things, but then again alot of us do.

 

anyway yesterday iwent to best buy to see if they were hiring for cashiers since i have some experiences with that.

 

they gave me a card instead of an application and i came home and filled it out on-line as per directions.

 

at the end of my on-line interview they said i was qualified for an interview and someone would contact me within three days.

 

i was really happy and that put me in such a good moood..

i kept thinking all day how if i just get a job that that will fix things between us.

 

he wont be so stressed, he will get soem respect back for me, and i for myself...etc...

 

anyway we went grocery shopping later in the evening and he asked me if something was wrong...

 

i told him that" maybe when i get a job you will have more respect for me".

 

he told me he has alot of respect for me still he just needs me to help out, and he said he loves me.

 

so i felt much much better after that and even more motivated to get a job!!!

 

so this a.m. he was very crabby towards me, didnt even kiss me g'morning or say anything to me really.

 

so i know then that he is in a bad mood..his hyde personality is showing again...uggggh!

 

so i asked him if anything was wrong? he snapped at me asking "why"?

 

i told him "you sound kind of irritable". so he got mad about that too and acussed me of saying that to EVERY MORNING!

 

SO i asked him if he was mad at me about something, but he said no.

 

then he asked if ihad enough money to pay the cable bill..i told him i did and i would pay it..

 

then he started in again about the money i gave my daughter..

so this is what i put up with every morning just about.

 

this is about his borderline bi-polar that i know he has but refuses to admist or do anything about it.

 

this is what i live with on a daily basis....i do so because i do love him in my heart..

 

my head tho is always the one telling me to get out of here..

if i could only get my head and my heart on the same page then i could either put up with this mood crap from him or move on.

 

btw, i do have $1200. that i have managed to save up when i was working, so that is not even a factor in leaving anymore..

 

the factor is being torn between my head and my heart......

i also have told him several times how much better off he would be without me..

 

i know how much i hold him back on things that he wants to do, and i feel like crap about it too...i dont enjoy living my life knowing that i am holding him back from living his life.

 

yet when i tell him this, he tells me that it does not matter, cause he love's me anyway!

 

that is all i wanted to say...............

[Just A Girl2]

Bipolar illness is another name for Manic Depression. You say you're positive your b/f is borderline bipolar but he wont' admit it. Say what? Only a trained psychiatrist, who's spent much time interviewing an individual can make this kind of diagnosis. You're not a psychiatrist are you?

 

Just because someone has some mood swings, that doesn't make them bipolar, by any means. You should leave the diagnosing to the professionals. From what I've read in your posts about your b/f, he just sounds like someone who's high strung, very driven, impatient, sometimes moody..and likely under a lot of stress seeing how he has a business and is the one paying the bills in your home plus a big mortgage. A person can really have all of these qualities and not have a mental illness.

[quankanne]

it's only natural for a parent to want to help their child, and I don't think it was wrong of you to help your daughter. However, you should have used "your" money, not "his." That way he can't get on to you about frittering away his hard-earned pay or hold it against you because it wasn't his money to start with.

 

someone brought up the issue of respect and being dependent on someone. I don't think you're in a win-win situation when you're in a co-dependent relationship with someone, and I think that's what you've got with your boyfriend, despite how much you do love him.

 

you admit that it would be hard, financially as well as emotionally, to break up with him; it sounds like it's also hard for him not being able to understand why you can't just do what he says (find a job, take care of things, pull out of your slump), yet he NEEDS for you to be dependent on him to justify how he treats you in your relationship with him. Hence my saying he's co-dependent.

 

again, as far as the job situation goes, keeping thinking about those baby steps getting you to where you need/want to be!

[Crystal]

it was called to my attention by his mom one day out of the blue.

she had asked me if my family has any "problems", i did not know what she was talking, then she just came out and told me that bi-polar runs in their family on her side.

 

she has a brother, a sister and a neice that are all bi-polar.

i asked her if she thinks that is his problem at times too, and she said "oh yeah"!

 

so it is not just me who thinks that, it is his family.

really do you think it is NORMAL to go to bed with someone one night then wake up with them in the morning and they treat you like someone you dont even know?

 

this a.m. he looked at me like i was a complete stranger to him!

most eerie i tell you.

 

the rest of the day he left and stayed away from work, and me, and just did some business and errands.

 

no, that is not normal either for him.

i cleaned this house for two realtors who were married and worked side by side out of their basement office.

 

i heard alot of their conversations and business transactions, and inever heard one of them yelling at the other about anything.

 

do you really think it is normal for your b'f to go around yelling at people, and belittling people for not doing something that he persevesa as so simple?

 

do you thnk it is okay for a grown man to behave in such a way that he has to act this way?

 

if so then maybe you think that is normal.

i have never met a man who yells at his family and assistant like he does with us, that is not a mature way at all to deal with people.

 

but he would never treat his clients that way, or his processor, or his dad..

 

no one else in his family is like him, only him, his two other brothers run their own business, his mom does, his dad does, and they sure as hell never act like he does, never!

 

so yeah he can be high strungh, highly motivated, etc..but if he cant handle the stress of his job, then he is in the wrong field and he wont believe me about it and he is not about to change jobs either.

 

so yes i do see him as borderline bi-polar..

[quankanne]

 

I know the kind of man you describe, and while I wouldn't call my dad bi-polar, he IS known to be a jerk to his immediate family but Mr. Nice to everyone else. Best thing to do is to walk away when you can, or just ignore his outbursts. A lot of it may have to deal with him being insecure about something, or something chemical, but until HE gets checked out, you won't know.

[Just A Girl2]

Goodness, just because there's bipolar illness in his family, that doesn't mean HE is.

 

You need to get educated on Manic Depression (aka bipolar disorder). What you describe in his behavior, is not anything close to being characteristic of it.

 

When people are Manic Depression (aka bipolar), they don't go from nice to nasty in a matter of hours. The Manic phase generally lasts days and weeks....and it's characterized by them acting restless, completely elated, hyper, impulsive (like going out and spending $5000 on something they don't need/can't afford), they sometimes act "high"...but in a hyper, highly sociable and chatty way. They often go for days without sleeping or eating, because they are so full of energy that they can't stop for 5 minutes. This does not at all sound like your b/f.

 

When the Manic episode stops, usually because their body is so totally burnt out from them being on a "high" for so many days/weeks, they drop into a horrible state of debilitating depression.......one in which they can't even get out of bed in the morning, will often make many suicide attempts, won't eat, won't speak, can't function, can't work, can't even dress themselves or look after themselves.

 

Just because your boyfriend goes from a good mood to what you perceive as a nasty mood, over the course of 12 hours or even less, that does NOT (LOL) constitute him as borderline bipolar, that is absurd.

 

I suggest you search online for information on Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder......and find out more about what you're claiming.

 

And what kind of mother would tell her son's g/f that she thinks he's got bipolar illness? She sounds a little wingy to me.

 

people with this are not able to function without proper daily medication and psychotherapy. Just because you have zillions of health problems, doesn't mean those around you do also.

 

I've never read such silliness!