And the hits just keep on coming... Not sure how to proceed.

[Gunny376]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

GO OUT AND PARTY, PUT YOU HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!

 

:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:

[stubbornbutnice]

I really can't believe that he didn't email me or anything to say Happy Birthday... that's just messed up...

[stubbornbutnice]

Well he emailed... it just said happy birthday.

[stubbornbutnice]

I keep forgetting to ask opinions about this... he keeps telling me when we were talking that everyone (parents, sisters) keep telling him how good he sounds now... how happy he sounds now.

 

What the heck is up with telling me that? It makes it sound like he doesn't even care that he's getting a divorce... like, everyone says I sound great becuase I'm so happy now.

 

What's up with a statement like that?

[ilmw]

I keep forgetting to ask opinions about this... he keeps telling me when we were talking that everyone (parents, sisters) keep telling him how good he sounds now... how happy he sounds now.

 

What the heck is up with telling me that? It makes it sound like he doesn't even care that he's getting a divorce... like, everyone says I sound great becuase I'm so happy now.

 

What's up with a statement like that?

 

Well this is my opinion on this.

 

He is doing great because he has left you...and it is 100% true... or he is faking it until he makes it...

 

In so many things I have read.. the advise I have gotten out of it.. is this...

 

(for the one dumped) making yourself appear positive... projecting self confidence... and that you are going to be ok..

 

It could all just be an act... kinda like what allot of us do on here from time to time.. when in fact we are dying inside...

 

Hard to say... time will tell. Patience is all you can have right now... but try to get your mind off it... or you will drive yourself NUTS.

 

ilmw

[stubbornbutnice]

He is doing great because he has left you...and it is 100% true... or he is faking it until he makes it...

 

 

Ouch... I never turn down an opinion but that one stung.

 

So I should just get over it because he's happier without me and his son? Still hurts. I would also be happy hiding in a foreign country where I don't have to see my wife or kid and I don't have to actually deal with anything.

 

What can you do right, besides move on.

[ilmw]

Ouch... I never turn down an opinion but that one stung.

 

So I should just get over it because he's happier without me and his son? Still hurts. I would also be happy hiding in a foreign country where I don't have to see my wife or kid and I don't have to actually deal with anything.

 

What can you do right, besides move on.

 

Umm... I'll try that again.

 

He could be full of sh*t and be dying inside... but putting on a brave face... (kinda like I do...once and a while)... (except the full of sh*t thing of course)

 

The thing is... you just don't know. K

[Gunny376]

BS! SBN!

 

The gloves are off!

 

It ****, fight or go for your gun time!

 

Is it right? No!

 

Is it fair?! NO!

 

Is it righteous?! NO!

 

It's just the way it is!

 

We can sit around all night "spitting" whiskey into the fire, but it won't accomplish nuthin'

 

You want this guy? Then "man-up" and become a un-comprimising, bounderies set, this is the way its going to be bi***h~!

 

Grrrrrrr! :love: :love:

 

 

:D :D

[stubbornbutnice]

Well the H just emailed me a not to subtle email... it was about the phone bill and how the bill was high due to me.. of course at a time like this I'm talking to my friends for support and therefore am on the phone a lot.

 

Soooo... he sends me an email about switching the phone over to my name and how the bill was high because I've made a lot of calls to a "particular" number...

 

Quote from email...

 

"The reason the charge was so high this month was from usage charges. You used over 2000 minutes last month you only have 1000 to use... lots of calls to a particular number in Augusta... $136 dollars worth of cas. So as I said... please change the plan to your bank info... have fun in Augusta when you go..."

 

My best friends VOIP phone is an augusta number... but he doesn't know that so he doesn't know who i'm calling...

 

I can't believe he would email me and try to make it sound like I'm up to something... uhhhhhhhhh... do you guys take it like that too?

 

I want to send him a response but what do I say... I don't want him going around thinking I'm cheating when I haven't ever, wouldn't, and am not... not becuase I care what he says but becuase I care that he thinks that becuase if nothing else I'm coming out of this with my good name. I would never do that to him.

 

Help.

[Ripples]

First off, get Skype and get all your friends/family on to it too.

 

Don't tell him about your friend's VOIP;

a. He doesn't have the right to know anything about you or your life.

b. So what if he thinks you're seeing someone else. He won't be able to use it against you, simply because it's not true.

c. If he goes around telling people that you are seeing someone else and you hear about it, you can put them straight.

 

You could always say to him in a throw away remark "I'm not sure why you think I'm going to Augusta." Which would give him the opportunity to ask you about the phone calls there and you the opportunity to tell him about it. But say it to him in a 'I really don't care what you think' tone.

[stubbornbutnice]

Hey all...

 

Well I did end up emailing the H back about the phone (Thanks for your response Ripples)... I told him in a very short (2 sentence) email that "BTW that number belongs to our friends"... he called on Tuesday and I let him talk to our son but I didn't get on the phone at all... he kept calling back and eventually emailed me making a comment about how I won't talk on the phone. He then asked about some business stuff and for me to send some new pics of our son.

 

I emailed him back last night responding to his questions... also I attached a letter that just explained how I am feeling right now and why I can't talk to him... explained just how heartbroken I am... you guys know what it said, you've all read or written something like it before.

 

So that's about it for the update as far as the H goes. As for me...

 

I'm doing better... I had a fun time for my birthday weekend. Went out with friends for St. Patty's, hit the pub, it was great. Sunday we had a BBQ and my friends got me a cake which my son proudly proclaimed was his:D , he did sing me happy birthday though, it was sooooo cute. Yesterday a friend who couldn't make it to my birthday becuase he was working took me to lunch, I didn't expect that so it was nice.

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to keep busy with school and my son. I'm planning my trip out of town next week and I'm really looking forward to that. I miss my girlriend that I'm going to see so it will be great to hang out with her.

 

That's about it for now guys... just wanted to let you know what was going on. You know I'll keep stopping in... see you later:p

[Gunny376]

You're doing good Girl! I'm proud of you! I'm making you one of my "poster-childs" I've saved your thread to my Favs, and the next Gal that comes on here with problems like yours, she's getting linked to your thread!

 

From your post, I'm assume you're at Stuart/Stewert, you should crusie up the coast to Beaufort, Flipp Island, Tibby Island, Hunter's Island, etc and check out Hilton Head. Definately check out River Street in Savanah ~ nothing but a good time!

 

If your where I think you're at ~ learn how to "Shag-Dance" to beach music!

[stubbornbutnice]

Well this weekend has kind of sucked...

 

You all know that I'm NC except for email... and I have to say since this has been the case the H can't even be bothered to call his son, or at least he hasn't called him this weekend. It's like our son is an afterthought. Then the H emails me this weekend with his "master plan" for our divorce and what should happen in what order and who gets what... I should mention that pretty much everything he suggested screws me over. All he's concerned about is coming out of this with his car, since it would seem it is the main source of his mojo. Only problem for him is I own the car, and it's marital property... I don't know what he's up to.

 

I'm just bummed... his email was soooooooooo cold and distant. He's a totally different person it would seem. The email really confirmed in my heart that he's cheating... I don't see how you could be so cold with someone who you used to love without your love being directed at someone else. Bummer... what an A**HOLE!

 

Anyone have any interesting stats on how often the cheating spouse actaully ends up with the OW? I would say that his behavior shows that he intends to be with this OW... it's not just casual... I'm guessing of course.

[ilmw]

Anyone have any interesting stats on how often the cheating spouse actaully ends up with the OW? I would say that his behavior shows that he intends to be with this OW... it's not just casual... I'm guessing of course.

 

I'm sure Gunny has some 'stats'........ I rely on him for all my 'stats'

 

Sorry to hear about your weekend. Its gotta suck....

 

BTW... it just goes to show his character.... if he won't even call and speak with his own child... to see how they are doing... Pisses me off!!

 

Be strong lady... k..

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Very small ~ only between 10 to 15% and even then the chances of them making it last long term are very marginal.

 

This is because the relationships are usually transitionary relationships and fantasy based, and are not reality based. That, and because they individuals aren't dealing the real issues ~ themselves.

 

They don't do the hard work necessary to learn and grow as individuals ~ and thus they are destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over ~ still clinging to the fallacies and myths (Ref: Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil McGraw)

 

Of those that do make it ~ they just end up emotionally divorce in a martial comma ~ going through the motions, not fully living life ~ just exsisting one dull boring day to the next!

[stubbornbutnice]

Well tomorrow will be 2 weeks of NC... excluding emails about bills of course. It's so weird... I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. I know that this is how it's going to be from now on but it's so strange to actually start to live your new life. It's so strange to know that this person really isn't going to matter to me anymore (aside from our son of course). I feel pretty sad today. These days are getting to be fewer but they sneak up on me every once in a while.

 

I'm getting better about controlling where my thoughts wander off to. I try not to think about him and the OW anymore (no proof but we know it's true). I try not to think about him bringing her home or what she has that I don't. Whenever my thoughts go there, or when they go to what will never be I actively try to make myself stop. I know that I can't change any of this I just have to work through it. I do know that... it's just hard sometimes.

 

I guess my little note is lacking in a point but I just wanted to post becasue I'm a little down. I have to drive up to drop my son off at the H parents tomorrow morning (8 hour drive). I'm looking forward to continuing on to my friends but this will be the first time that Ive seen his family since this all happened. The last time was at Christmas. I'm happy for my son to see them becauase he adores them. I just hope my H calls our son while he's there... it's been over a week since he's called him, he didn't even call over the weekend.

 

I'm just hating being stuck like this...

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Sorry you're feeling blue. The same realization haunts me that after so much time and history between two people not speaking or seeing them ever again is a sad thing indeed. It brings to me both a measure of relief and of despair. I know you'll make it through this I know we all will and we'll be much better and stronger people b/c of all this.

[Gunny376]

This to ~ will pass!

 

Everytime you catch yourself feeling down, blue, etc

 

What you need to say over, and over, and over and over is ~

 

"This to will pass!

 

"I will get through this!"

 

"I will survive this!"

 

"I'm bigger than this!"

 

"I'm better than this!"

 

"This will not defeat me!"

 

"I'm bigger than this!"

 

And finally, thinking of the most comforting, self controlled person, "got it together" person you've ever known saying to you,

 

"Its going to be alright! No matter what ~ its gong to be alright!"

 

Envision that person saying those words over and over and over to you.

 

Do this 20 million times a day ~ until it takes!

 

Its time for SBN- V 2.0 new and upgraded (SBN- V 2.0 = "Stubbornbutnice - Version 2.0)

 

Time to pull back, re-group, adapt, improvise and over-come.

[wife_left_me]

SBN, I know your are very sad right now because of the NC and the realization this is the way it will be from now on, but could you imagine having to see this guy everyday when you know it is never going to be the same? It's like salt in the wound over and over. Don't let him have control of the situation, convince yourself you do not want to talk or see him then he would really be doing you a favor by not calling. Give yourself time to LET GO and concentrate on the positives. You are single now and there is a world of opportunity out there for you to reach out and grab.

[dropdeadlegs]

Since you are just accepting the demise of your marriage, I think it's normal to still be sad. And confused.

 

In a few months (yes, I said months, and that seems impossible to handle) you will be so much better and wonder why you felt so bad.

 

I've been there and survived, yet I thought I couldn't.

 

You will become stronger than you ever realized was possible. I promise.

 

Just hang in there. A whole new world awaits. That world is often brighter, more colorful, and far better.

[Gunny376]

Since you are just accepting the demise of your marriage, I think it's normal to still be sad. And confused.

 

In a few months (yes, I said months, and that seems impossible to handle) you will be so much better and wonder why you felt so bad.

 

I've been there and survived, yet I thought I couldn't.

 

You will become stronger than you ever realized was possible. I promise.

 

Just hang in there. A whole new world awaits. That world is often brighter, more colorful, and far better.

 

Uh?! Excuse me?

 

Is it too late to get these words inscribed on the side of Mount Rushmore, Stone Mountain or somewhere?

[stubbornbutnice]

I am out of town at the moment... my son is at his grandparents and I'm at my friends for the week. I'm having a great time... although I'm tired. I haven't been out late this many nights in a row in a really long time. But it's nice to be with friends and people who care about you... it's a nice distraction.

 

Anyway... no sooner do I get here then the H emails me complaining about how much money I've budgeted myself and demanding the son be taken out of school. I of course am not having that and I sternly told him that most of the money was for gas to drive our son to see HIS parents... which I so did not have to do. So he emailed me back all sweetness and light... oh it's fine... ok ...thanks for taking him up there... blah blah blah.

 

Then he tries to call my dad because he knows I'm not there. He left a message asking my dad to call him back so he could speak with him. Part of it could be him trying to apologize that things didn't work out with your daughter... but I think that main reason was so that he could find out about his car. I have it in my name and he really wants to keep his car...it seems to be all he thinks about with this whole divorce. My dad doesn't want to talk to him so he's not going to call him back. I don't know what to think... he hasn't tried to call or speak with me. He partied this weekend... probably out with the "woman" or some such nonsense... who knows. I'm tired and I know things tend to get to you more when you're tired. I should probably get to sleep so I don't get too down.

 

I am having fun I promise... him calling my dad and trying to go around me was just another kick in the gut... I'm really looking forward to the time when I recognize the "kicks" but don't give a damn about them. I mean honestly what could he possibly say to my dad that would make any of this better or more understandable?

[Ladyjane14]

...I'm really looking forward to the time when I recognize the "kicks" but don't give a damn about them. I mean honestly what could he possibly say to my dad that would make any of this better or more understandable?

 

You'll get there, hon. You've ALREADY recognized his latest ploy for what it was. It just takes time. And kudos to Dad for not getting 'reeled in', btw. Good man.

 

Get some sleep. Then get out there and have some fun!

[Gunny376]

You should be a "poster-child" for how to handle and not to handle this.

 

We're all proud of here at LS ~ Kiddo

 

When you see Dear Old Dad, give a extra big hug for not being hubby's fool!

[stubbornbutnice]

What is the subject line you ask? Weelllllll... that's the title I've given to this last week.

 

I've been called non-stop... emailed non-stop, and just plain harrassed.

 

After my Dad didn't call him he starting emailing me. Finally after being annoyed by him enough I decided to email him back. I suggested that since the car is already in my name with the smallest payment I can just take it over and we need not worry about more bank loans... I also said I would start paying now and the money could be free to go towards debt. Well that set him off BIG time and he went a little crazy.

 

Turns out the next day he found a buyer for his car... a female CPT. HAHAHAHAHA.......... dumba*s. Whatever... He just doesn't want ME to sell it. He wants to control the whole thing.

 

Well after that it just went down hill... daily emails demanding a prompt response... phone calls repeated over and over that I wouldn't or couldn't answer... all leading up to... duh duh duh... an email demanding that I remove myself from the joint checking account by COB (close of business for you civilians... just kidding) Friday... it was mean and threatening and I've put the highlights below this. So I removed myself... I couldn' take the chance that I wouldn't be able to take care of my son becuase of lack of funds.

 

 

 

Whether you trust me or not is not the issue. The fact is, it IS my bank account. I never even had to give you access in the first place, but it was something I did because I thought you would like it. Now, however, things are different...like YOU said, they HAVE to be different. This IS NOT up for discussion. I already told you, I would give you a bi-monthly itemized statement of what gets paid off. You will be able to track the progress. I am paying off the debt, because it needs to be done. Technically, I don't even HAVE to pay off the debt. I could do nothing, and stick you with half of it. So don't act like I am the bad guy here. I genuinely want things to be easier financially.

 

...and as for your Dad. I DID try and call him last weekend...Saturday I believe. I even left a message on the answering machine...two messages, the second one with my phone number. A local call for him. I asked for him to give me a call at his earliest convenience. And as for making arrangements...well, what are they? Are you incapable of talking to him? You are his daughter...so he has to make a temporary sacrifice...nothing my parents didn't do for my sister. I would gladly talk to him about paying rent. I suggested that in the first place, but you said the only thing he wanted was for us to help with the utilities. You went on about how he didn't want to have to claim it as income on his taxes...yadda yadda. So what has changed? Because we are getting divorced? So we pay rent...that's $XXX a month that doesn't go towards debt...you already run "errands" for him...and you are supposed to be helping out with the utilities. You really haven't told him the situation regarding our debt have you?...tell him about the $2600 worth of denim in your closet when you mention how financially crazy you think I am...I don't want to put your dad out, but crap happens, life can suck, and this is one of those times when you sacrifice for your kids...the only thing you are asking for is a place to stay...it's not like he has to financially support you too.

 

Let me tell you something...this can get easier, or harder. I prefer easier. I ask you to do things like removing your name from the checking account because logically, WE WILL HAVE TO DO THEM. The more "loose ends" we tie up (like the cars/bank accounts), the better off it will be with the attorneys. The less time we talk to them, the less money we spend with them. The FIRST thing they will advise is a separation of bank accounts...I'm sure they have seen several cases where these things have gone WAYYY south. I wanted to be amicable, I even wanted to be friends after this, but if your personality and thought process prevents this from happening, that is not MY fault.

 

This IS the last time I will ask. Remove your name from the account by COB Friday. If it is NOT done, I will close it...end of story. You are making this harder than it has to be. Just do it. I have begun losing my patience, and I didn't want to be anything but civil.

 

I DO appreciate that you took care of the taxes and the title thing. If we work together on ALL points, then this will go smoothly and work out for the best for everyone. Certain things are unavoidable, and not an option, but those are also things that have to be done.

 

I know I sounded harsh in this email, but you being stubborn for any portion of this process will not help. I don't want to have to close the account. We will bounce payments, I will have no money, you will have no money, and things will be a pain in the butt. I can assure you however, that I will close it. So please just work with me on this. I hope I hear back from you on these points. I will talk to you soon...probably this weekend,

 

Like the mention of my Jeans (purchsed over 2.5 years) when he's driving around with freaking $20k in aftermarket parts on his car? Granted he paid for a lot of those with an online store but not all of them... we are even in that department and I never did anything behind his back. I never even had a credit card on me.

 

So I took myself off the account for my son if nothing else... and I emailed him tonight about the rent my father wants... he won't like it but it's only 1/3 of what he is getting from the Army.

 

It's amazing how one thing can turn you the other direction... I was hanging on right up until that email. I sat at the computer and cried... I typed a response... and then I just went numb. He's not the man I love... he's not the man I married... he's not the man I made my son with... he's some selfish, cheating, little boy who was hiding in my Husband's body... my husband is dead... and that's all there is to it.

 

Sad but true... I looked at a picture of him yesterday and felt absolutely... nothing. It's over. The fact that he could treat me the way he did in that email was the final nail in the coffin.

 

I know that email stirred up Gunny... holla back my people... what do you think? Below is my reponse...

 

 

As for the rent thing... I told you that Dad was going to talk to me about it when I get back... and yes the divorce did change things as far as he's concerned. He was letting me stay at the house in that capacity to help "us" build a future as a married couple... not so I could be dumped on him. You told me you knew you were going to do this when you left... well, that means you planned to dump me there. Dad knows the debt... he knows the situation... and the comment about the jeans was not very nice (and yes he knows about them)... you always had everything you wanted only they came in the form of car parts... my jeans add up to one supersprint exhaust or some headers... I understand you were doing your ebay thing but I worked as well and took care of Ethan... I wasn't buying anything behind your back. Regardless... he knows about the debt... noone's pointing a finger at anyone else.

 

I'll call the bank tomorrow... I wasn't available to do it tonight. I really can't believe you could be so hateful with me and send me an email like the one you sent... I am not being stubborn and I'm not trying to make things difficult... I have done everything you have asked of me, making it easier for you to just walk away. I changed the phone when you told me... got my account when you told me... made agreements when you asked me to. You and I made an agreement about the main account and then out of nowhere in a completely attacking manor you email me and leave me a voicemail demanding that I do this. It's not about being stubborn or mean spirited... I haven't once behaved that way since you started all of this. I've never behaved in a manor that suggested that I was attacking you or being anything less than cooperative. All I have cared about throughout this entire thing is our son... I am a single mom now and you are changing everything as quickly as you can... of course my head is going to spin I have a lot on my plate. You were the one who said when you started all of this that "we have until I come back" and "we have the same goal with the debt so things won't change that much with regards to finances" YOU said all of these things to me and I have gone along with everything... I don't appreciate being treated like an evil person all of a sudden. I haven't done anything wrong... I've never treated you in a manor that would suggest that I was trying to make this any harder. I just can't believe you would send me an email that was hostile.

 

I'll take care of the bank tomorrow by COB.