And the hits just keep on coming... Not sure how to proceed.

[dropdeadlegs]

I was thinking about your situation this morning, wondering what has been happening. I sometimes get a little too involved in LSer's lives, but there are some stories I just truly care about. I'm glad you posted.

 

Wow, you did it! You told him to shyt or get off the pot and that he needed to decide which to do NOW. Wasn't that empowering? You did it without being too emotional, just stated the facts as they are. Which way he will go is uncertain, but I think he's smelling some coffee!

 

If you work things out, it will be better than before, and if you can't work things out, you have tried and probably already begun some healing, too.

 

I'm proud of you, you are a strong woman. You don't whine in your posts and you take advice and constructive criticism well and put it to good use.

 

I hope to never have to go through another breakup, but if I do, watch out! I am armed and prepared to handle it well thanks to these fine folks.

 

Good luck to you in the coming days. Keep your head like you did Sunday.

[stubbornbutnice]

Thanks for your quick responses guys... you really are the best.

 

Something happened today...

 

he emailed me about the bills and some account stuff... he was kind of grumpy about some of the bills I guess. Toward the end he said that we should probably start seperating some of the bills out... he said I should probably open a seperate account. He said we have time but we should start figuring that out.

 

I pretty much immediately emailed him back and explained the bills that were of concern and then I said... as far as the seperate accounts there isn't really any point in discussing that until you've made your decision about our phone call... if you've made your decision then please call me and let me know. And that's all I said.

 

He emailed me back 10 minutes later saying (I'm paraphrasing)... oh the bills are fine... thanks for clearing that up... I remember you telling me about that... and then he said thanks and I'll talk to you this weekend. Kiss "our son" for me. And something about having a bad day at work.

 

Then he tried to call me twice about an hour later... I didn't hear my phone because it was in the other room so we didn't talk. I'm not going to call him back... I figure we're going to talk this weekend right?

 

What the freakin' heck??? I mean really... I see what's about to happen I'm not a stupid woman... he's going to call me and try to drag this out.

 

I just don't feel it right now... I'm not sure what to do... I'm not sure what I want... blah blah blah...

 

Well no decision is a decision in my book... no decision means it's over. Don't get me wrong I'm sad and all but I need to take care of my family... me and my son. If he can't man up and give me the one thing I'm asking for... that he honestly commits to trying even if he needs time right now and the trying comes later... then I can't be there for him... i can only be there for myself.

 

It's sad... but... we'll see what happens. You know I'll let you guys know as soon as it goes down. :bunny: Hold your breath... ha ha.

[empty906]

I am also proud for you and the stance you took. Your standing up to him and telling him how things were going to happen took the control away from him and it showed him you were ready. He was NOT expecting that.

 

I agree with you and LJ that he will most likely drag his feet to buy time. Don't sell him any. He has had plenty given to him already. Continue like you are with pushing for an answer about getting a divorce or not. That is the current issue to be dealt with here.

 

I think you are handling all of these new experiences wonderfully. It really helps to share your situations with the people here and get sound, unbiased advice.

 

I would guess that getting him to make a decision will be like pulling teeth. But stand strong and be consistent. If you falter he may feel like you are bluffing and just drag things out as long as he thinks he can.

[dropdeadlegs]

Ditto the above post. With much love and caring, of course.

[Gunny376]

OoooooRaaaaaaha!!

 

Get some, Jane Wayne!!

[Gunny376]

Sorry in taking so long in getting back to you, had those "hurrica-naders" to deal with that you saw on the tellie yesterday. (The town that got hit, is forty miles away, and we had three or four hit hit here ~ Woooohoooo! Nothing but a good time!)

 

Getting back to all of this being the Army's fault! BS!

 

Granted, being in the Army can and does exasterbate any martial problems, and can make married life more challenging, but really any problems you generally have while serving in the Army ~ you're going to have out here in civilian la~la land.

 

And, there's no doubt in my military mind that the one of the toughest jobs in the Army is being a Solider's wife ~ its not easy.

 

But, to me? I've had a tougher time getting use to civilian life than I ever had getting use to military life. At least you were pretty certain that in so long as you didn't screw it up that you had a job and thus medical, dental, groceries, a roof over your head. You didn't have to worry too much about down-sizing, lay-offs, etc. He's shifting the blame for everything from you, to the Army, to any and everyone and everything else ~ except himself.

 

When you go to pointing fingers, you first need to look at the three you've got pointing at yourself.

 

He seems to be stressed out about the bills? If the old boy thinks things are rough now ~ let him get out of the Army?! WTF? I can tell you from personal experience that he's not going to start out making what he's making now ~ and no one gives a damn about what schools he's been to, what training he's had, where's he's been, nor how many pretty shinny things he's got hanging off his chest. All of that and a buck plus tax and tiip will get you a cup of coffee down at the Waffle House.

 

I went to one job interview, and the sorry SOB asked me how much my retirement check was from the Marines? When I asked why he needed to know that, he said it was so they would know how much to offer me in pay!!! :mad: :mad: As if I did 20 years in the Corps so this sorry SOB could pay me less! WTF?

 

The way you're handling this is ~ well ~ inspiring!! :bunny: :bunny: (In case you didn't know ~ bunnies ~ is our way of giving out "atta-girl's ~ high fives, etc.)

 

I realize that you're very open to either reconciling or moving on with your life ~ and you've shown your true grit in that ~ most definately ~ you've "womaned-up" And, I really don't have too much to add, what others haven't already posted ~ because I belive you've got a handle on the situation.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

To Lady Jane ~ Doesn't how SBN's handling thing remind you of Wolfe and how he handled his sit? Last we heard, that had a very successful outcome.

[stubbornbutnice]

Ok... Here I sit...

 

I'm ok really but I think it's worse when you have a time frame for the call... When he emailed me he said this weekend and I would say it would be tonight or early tomorrow morning due to the time difference. Uhhhh.

 

It's hard to think about because I think he's going to stall in which case I have to shoot that down because that means he doesn't really want to try. A big part of me also thinks that he's going to say no... I think that would be easier then the stalling only because it would be a clear cut decision.

 

I'm so tired... and I feel so bad for my son. He cries for his dad all the time... he misses him and that kills me because my H is so out of it right now that he's not even thinking about something like that.

 

After what you posted Gunny I read Wolfp's thread about his situation... they were in seperate countries as well and the whole military thing was the same. His situation turned out so that was inspiring... I think I'mhandling things like he did. I'm glad for him that things worked out... he had 17 years invested... luckily for me five won't be as hard to "get over" so to speak.

 

If you guys have any last minute advice please lay it on me! I'm feeling kind of... I don't know... discouraged. I need a pep talk... and you know I never ask for that.

 

You guys are the best really... thanks for all the support... I guess we'll know something soon.

[Ladyjane14]

(Great use of the old bean there, Gunny. Wolfp's thread is a terrific example. :bunny: )

 

 

 

SBN, I think what will probably help you the most when you're talking with your husband is to keep the realities of the situation foremost in mind.

 

In Wolfp's thread, he had sooooo much empathy for his wife's mental health situation that initially it was really hard for him to introduce those realities. But the bottom line is that when people get divorced, certain things are bound to happen. This is kind of like your husband's fantasy of not having to share his son with a step-father at any time in the future. It's unrealistic of him to believe that you would never remarry.

 

As you probably noted in Wolf's thread... his wife spazzed out at times when these realities were insisted upon. Her reaction was pretty negative. BUT... he didn't allow that to deter him. He stayed strong in his insistance that this would be the new way of 'doing business'.

 

At the end of the day, what's going on with your husband isn't so very much different if you look at it in terms of what he needs to bring to the table in order to be a suitable partner for you. Wolf's wife needed to embrace treatment of her mental health issues. Wolf could NOT accept her back until she was willing to do that. She needed to meet this very basic requirement. And her incentive for considering it was in Wolf's determination that the realities would be observed.

 

Now, you've made a list of some "realities" and I'm REALLY proud of you for doing it.

 

But I think you need to start thinking about your boundaries too. What do you 'need' from him in order to keep you in the relationship?... not what you 'want' but what you NEED. All you've mentioned so far is gaining a committment for him to "try". This seems a bit undefined to me, so you might start by firming up what that effort entails. That way, you can clarify it for him as a boundary.

 

And once you've established that boundary.. there needs to be a way to enforce it. I think it's okay to start with gentle reminders, but if that doesn't work... what are you really willing to do if he doesn't stick with it? You need to know the final evolution of your consequences when you set a boundary. Is it a deal-breaker? (If not, it's a "want" rather than a "need".)

 

I would think that this one definitely is a deal-breaker. In that case, is your back-up plan at the ready?

I think you'll find a certain amount of strength by having it in your back pocket.

 

Bottom line, dear... You can't take this guy back and expect him to be a decent partner to you anyway, not unless he's willing to meet your most basic boundaries. You have nothing to lose that's not already lost when you think about it like that. If he doesn't have enough character to meet your basic "deal-breakers".... he'll never make you happy in the long-haul.

[Gunny376]

By the nature and definition of marriage ~ there can be no half-way, no doubt, and as Wolfe told his wife ~ "in for a penny ~ in for a pound!"

 

Thus I think its in your own self-interst and the best interts of your son, that you express to your DH that he be committed toward giving 100%, and more than just "try"

 

Anything less is like drawin a tub full of water, sticking your toe in and saying you took a bath. No you didn't! You stuck your toe in a tub of water. He needs to immerse himself totally and completely with you in re-defining the marriage, and the bounderies.

 

When Cortez landed in Mexico with his men he burned his ships ~ there was no going back. Needless to say, they were very positively motivated to succeed. That was the reality of their situation. I'd be introducing a big dose of reality into your husband.

 

What Wolfe did once he got his head and azz wired back together from the initial shock is much of what you're doing. You've sought out more infomation, data, you've visualized life with and without the DH, you've verablized it and now you're willing to finalize it one way or the other. You've come up with a "A" and "B" plan, (or such is my perception) and you're willing to act upon it.

 

Life's too freaking short to live it half-azz, and its too short to live it with a husband or wife who's only half-committed. You need to visualize the life that you want and need ~ and then don't just dream it ~ be it!

 

When Wolfe painted a clear, pretty picture in his wife's head of how this deal was going to go done, one that from her perspective wasn't pretty and wasn't fun, she couldn't get her azz back to him quick enough. Once he served her with divorce papers, in which she basically was left out in the cold,.............she snapped out of her cheap **** and became very, very motivated to succed.

 

If the conversation goes south, I'd be setting him free courtsey of the U S Postal service via registerd mail. And, in the divorce papers I'd shoot for the moon, later you can always settle for a low orbit ~ but its your option how generous you want to be. At any rate, when he got them and read them he'd be like :eek: :eek: walking around lost, dazed and confussed like Steve Martin in the movie "The Jerk" in his bathrobe, and his PJ's down around his ankles.

[AHIWON]

Would someone be so kind as to post a link to wolfe's thread? I'd like to read it. I could try a search but the odds are I'd be looking for ages and not find the right thread.

[stubbornbutnice]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfp

 

Here is the link for Wolfp's thread...

 

Thanks for the posts guys I see what you are saying gunny, LJ, and empty. I mean it was only 2 days ago that he emailed me about sep. bank accounts so I know that can't mean he wants to kiss and make up. I'm just dreading this phone call that's all.

 

And I know I try to avoid whining but I hate thinking that he's being such a dumb*ss now... but eventually he will snap out of it, and I won't get to be there for it, or put our family back together after... he'll be with someone else, marry someone else, all becuase he couldn't be bothered right now... That sucks, that my son is going to suffer for this. I know that I will have moved on and it won't matter, but for right now it does.

 

Oh well... I'll live. I'll be back to talk to you guys as soon as I know something. Thanks for sitting in the waiting room with me:D

[Gunny376]

Here it is

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe

[Gunny376]

WELL! WE'RE STINKING, DOG GONE WAITING, THERE YOU

!!!!! DO YOU THINK WE'VE GOT ALL DOG GONE DAY!

 

ANYDAY, ANYDAY!!!!!!

 

JEZZ! WAITING TO FIND OUT WHO SHOT J.R. DIDN'T TAKE THIS DOG GONE LONG! :D :lmao:

[stubbornbutnice]

Hey Gunny stop the yellin' your giving me flashbacks of active duty

 

I'm still waiting... now word from the H yet... it's work time on Monday for him already so I don't know... if he calls now it's going to be late like 10 pm my time, becuase he's going to have to wait until lunch. Unless he's being shamtastic and then he could call anytime...

 

Unless he's still "thinking" and then who the hell knows.

 

I'm pretty stir crazy right now... keep your fingers crossed for me. :bunny:

[stubbornbutnice]

Ok so the H called tonight right before he had to go to work. He asked to talk to my son when I answered so I let him of course... then he got back on the phone with me, here's what was said pretty much...

 

Me: so what's up...

H: nothing just calling to chat

Me: are you ready to "talk" or are you still thinking?

H: can't we just chat?

Me: no

H: why not?

Me: well if you are done and we're getting a divorce then I don't need to be chatting with you... chatting with you would be painful for me... but if we're going to try when you come back then I can continue to make the emotional investment

H: well I think we could still chat no matter what, I think we should still be able to do that without it being a problem

Me: well ok... I don't agree... but that's your opinion and that's fine... but for me I don't feel that way and I won't be able to do that.

H:ok

Me: so are you ready to talk to me

H: no not yet

Me: ok I'll let you get to work then

 

And that was pretty much it... I did inform him of some new developments with his son... he chatted a little about work but I kind of steered the conversation to a close... I basically made the conversation a call just to talk to his son. I didn't talk to him at all about what I'm up to or what I did this weekend or anything.

 

I guess I'm still just waiting? Maybe because I wouldn't just "chat" with him he decided he was still thinking, but I didn't really know how to handle it any differently becuase we didn't talk about it at all... he said he wasn't ready to yet... what do I do now???

 

I don't really feel like I lost control... I felt like I controlled the conversation... was this ok? I really am getting to a point where I'm so over this... I'm still trying hough...

[Gunny376]

WELL?!

I'm being factious of course! Actually just keeping you thread boosted to the top until we hear from you?

[addicted2love]

Ok... let's see where to start.

 

I have been with my husband for five years... married for three. We have one very cute (yeah I know I'm a mom... whatever )2-year-old son. So there are the basics. Now on to the good stuff.

 

We met in Germany (both military me civilian (after active duty) department of the army, him active duty officer. We met through friends and it was cheesy love (and some lust) at first sight. We moved in together about a year later and were engaged about 6 months after that. After being engaged for about a month we found out we were having our son. With an Iraq deloyment coming in Feb. (3 months away) we decided to move up the wedding and got married in December of 2003 after being engaged 2 months. 2 months later he left for Iraq where he would be for a little over a year.

 

I know that was a very boring relationship description but I'm trying to get you there... really I am.

 

We had a great courtship and relationship... totally in love, best friends read eachothers minds... all that stuff. Everyone around us said we gave them a tooth ache in the "soul mates" kind of way. Everyone thought we had the perfect relationship.

 

Now fast forward to 2007 when my husband calls me from a deployment in Korea to tell me that he wants a divorce...

 

This past year had been really rough. Lots of bickering, and a few big fights, huge by our standards... only one crying screaming combo though. Anyway, we had moved from Germany to Georgia and were there for a year. It was rough, we left the place we loved and were living in a little aparmtment on top of eachother (and I am a neat freak, oops).

 

We no longer had a support network (baby sitters and friends) so we were not spending time together. I worked at night and on weekends and he workded during the day. We still were friends, still laughed with eachother, still had sex, still went on dates (when we could). But we were not on track in our relationship I know that. We didn't have the same interests while we were there... he mostly worked on his car and hung out with his buddies and I was home with our son all day and then at work at night and weekends. When we did have free time we weren't together because one of us would be watching our son.

 

Now here is the part where I take responsibility for my part... I am stubborn, independent, and emotional... not the crying kind, but the I'm going to tell you exactly what I think kind. I know I nagged... I know I got my little side comments in that weren't nice. I never said mean things to be mean... I always said I love you everyday. I always tried to be there. I did drive him nuts with the "pick that up" "I just cleaned that" " take out the trash" "why are you late"... I am guilty of calling him to bitch about some stuff.

 

We fought about money, although neither one of us did anything bad in that area, just got in to debt traveling and having a good time. Most of our stress to me was money. I would try to control my environment when I was stressed. And I think a lot of our fighting was us just not knowing how to communicate with eachother. And for me a lot of it was just that I missed him and I felt like we never saw eachother anymore. For him though I think that he tuned me out. I knew sometimes when we fought that I was being unreasonable... women can recognize that guys, but we still do it. I just wanted him to hear me, see me something, and to him it probably felt like he was being nagged to death.

 

So now his side...

 

He says he doesn't love me anymore... that we've just been growing apart and that he just doesn't know what he wants. He sent me an email telling me that he's having a mid-life crisis (he's turning 30 this year), that he just doesn't know what he wants... who he wants to be with... what he wants to do. He's at a crossroads. Remember that this call is coming from Korea. He's also told me since the initial call that he's happy there and that he likes being able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to... go out drinking, party, hang out alone.

 

He likes not having to deal with me and our son. He said every time he thinks about coming home he is filled with anxiety. He said he has felt this way for a while and that he just doesn't think that he can bring it back. At first he was nice enough about it (as nice as you can be when you are breaking someones heart) but lately he's been getting mean with some of the things he says. Saying things like he associates me with the worst time of his life. I of course rebounded with "well I gave birth to our son so is he counted in there too".

 

He says that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else, that the selfish part of him doesn't want me to give up trying to work us out. He says that he knows that when this is all over that he might regret his decision but that he just doesn't think that he can feel "that way about me again. He also still talks about us and our attractions to one another. He says that if he saw me in June (when he could take leave) that we might end up in bed so he doesn't think it would be a good idea to see me.

 

There is so much more to this of course but I just don't know what to say... so ask questions and I'll answer. But for the record... No I do not believe there is another woman. He's in the field with a bunch of men and when we were in GA I always knew where he was so I really don't think that a woman has anything to do with this. My personal opinion is that he got over there and reverted back to "single guy" mode and is enjoying his freedom... he's thinking the grass is greener on the single side. That's what I think anyway.

 

He says that he's been thinking about this for a while. He sent me an email 2 days before christmas talking about how he loved me and I'm his best friend, but also telling me everything for the first time about how he felt about our relationship, our problems. I didn't react well because there was a lot of blaming... I held my thinking woman's response (the one where I told him he was right and we could fix it) until about 2 weeks later when I was finally home again and he said that by then it was to late... he said that the email was his last shred of what he had left and jan 10th was to late (the email was dec. 23). I don't know.

 

I want us to work... I thought I was going to be with him forever so this is soooo hard. I can't imagine my son growing up without my husband there everyday... it's strange <sigh>.

 

I guess I would just like some opinions. Some of you like Lady Jane and Empty, also Gilly. I've read your thread... if you see this let me know what you think. And Gilly stop listening to that music... or add Damien Rice 9 Crimes to your list... but only if you want to be really depressed.

 

Ok... HELP!!!

 

Holy crap girlfriend...your story is almost IDENTICAL to mine!!!!

 

My H was in the AirForce....we were stationed out in Cali and I was back home trying to work so that when his enlistment was up we could buy a house and be near family. The day after our daughers first birthday he calls me up and says "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." I swear it came out of no where and hit me like a ton of bricks! I thought things were going fine and he SWORE there wasn't another woman.

 

I found out later that there were TWO other women. It was such a nightmare! As soon as he got caught he changed his tune...please don't leave me...you're the best thing that ever happend to me! Bla Blah Blah...but before he got caught he would get really nasty when I asked him to explain why he felt the way he did. He would tell me not to push him because I wouldn't like the results! He swore he didn't have the time, energy or the money to date other women. I later found out that the other woman had a KEY TO MY HOUSE ON BASE!!!

 

So there I was working, taking care of our kid and trying to build a life for us so that he could have a place to call home when he got out of the military and he thanked me by sleeping with OW #1 in the bed we concieved our daughter in...while OW's baby slept in my daughters crib!!!

OW was married too.

 

If I were you I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him! Just take care of you and your son. After my H got and wanted to come home I let him...I figured I'd be damned if he was going to travel the world and play the "single guy" role while I was back here raising his child! Things got better for a while until he cheated again. Now I'm trying to figure out how to move on.

 

Good luck to you friend. I know this isn't easy for you...I've been in your shoes. Do you have PM ability on LS yet? if so send me one and I'll give you my email address if you'd like to talk. Hang in there

 

A2L

[Ladyjane14]

Me: so what's up...

H: nothing just calling to chat

Me: are you ready to "talk" or are you still thinking?

H: can't we just chat?

Me: no

H: why not?

Me: well if you are done and we're getting a divorce then I don't need to be chatting with you... chatting with you would be painful for me... but if we're going to try when you come back then I can continue to make the emotional investment

H: well I think we could still chat no matter what, I think we should still be able to do that without it being a problem

Me: well ok... I don't agree... but that's your opinion and that's fine... but for me I don't feel that way and I won't be able to do that.

H:ok

Me: so are you ready to talk to me

H: no not yet

Me: ok I'll let you get to work then

 

Anyway, I think you did pretty well over all.

 

This is the boundary you set last week:

He said he needed some time to think... I said fine go think, and next time we talk it will be about this. No chatting we'll be addressing this issue. I told him that if he had anything to talk to me about before "the talk" that he could email me.

So, it's easy to see that he was testing you. He's trying to figure out if you mean business or not.

 

Heck, I'd up the ante at this point. He was inconsiderate in the timing of his call. Next time, I'd say, "Sorry.. I'm getting ready for work. Call me later." Also, if he called past 10pm, I'd say it's too late at night and tell him to call back another time. Then when he called back... I'd tell him he's caught me at a bad time and act like I was busy with friends. If he started chatting me up before I could bail off the call, I'd remind him of my boundary.

 

I would stall him until he was struggling to get the words,"I really want to have that talk with you"... out his mouth before I could make an excuse and hang up.

 

 

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, give some thought as to why you're waiting for HIM to make a decision about YOUR life.

Don't forget, he only THINKS he has the final word. In actuality, he can't decide to stay married to you unless YOU sign off on that.

 

Keep in touch with your attorney and have your paperwork ready to go. If he lays his ears back and insists on going forward with divorce, you'll be ready to create a sh*t-storm for him.

[stubbornbutnice]

A2L-

 

I'm sorry that you went through what I'm going through now. Like you've probably read I'm not sure what he's up to, but one can only assume that someone else is involved somehow. He'll never tell me though, and I have no clue how to find out if he is.

 

 

As for the phone call I don't know how I feel... I actually feel kind of sick inside... I think that it was a test phone call... and I tried to be clear during the call, I didn't give in and chat. I was hoping that when I got a call from him that it could be done one way or the other though so I'm all grumpy that I have to live with this still... I get what you are saying LJ about putting him off when he calls... I just don't want to do that for to long becuase I am really ready to get on with it already.

 

Everything he said in the call last night was "we" this and "we" that which he normally doesn't do... but again that could just be part of the stalling. He was pretty cocky on the phone in a "I don't get what the big deal is, we can still be friends and hang out" kind of way. It was annoying. Honestly I realy don't respect him at all right now. I think that he's either an immature, irresponsible jerk... or he's got someone on the side. I wish I could prove that...

 

Well kids...I guess we're playing the waiting game again. Someodyget me a drink:cool:

[dropdeadlegs]

sbn, I know you want this to play out with reconciliation and I do hope it goes that way. However, I have noted some things. Going back to your first post, your H had pointed out some issues on 12/23. You took two weeks to mull over that conversation and with the holidays smack in the middle I think it was reasonable to expect a delayed reaction. After those two weeks H said you took too long to accept your share of the responsibility and it was "too late." Now it has been over a week since you gave him time to reconsider and he's still not ready to have "the talk." I'm just seeing a double standard here, and wonder what you have in mind as a point where the fence riding has to stop and a choice must be made. I admire your patience, I would have gone off the deep end myself.

 

I don't advocate running off to the attorney's office when marriage hits a bumpy chunk of highway, but I do believe that after two months you deserve to have a sense of direction and have been generous in allowing for him to wake up from his "I can have it all" fantasy dream world. I think the more time that passes without swinging the 2 X 4 the more advantage you lose. He said that he hasn't checked into divorce proceedings and doesn't know what that entails, but an intelligent person wouldn't play the divorce card without some idea of what he stands to lose. The best defense is a good offense.

 

Those are just my thoughts.

 

Good job standing firm about the next conversation being "the talk." Consistency is key, here. Chatting might be something that can be done at some point in the future, but you married him because you wanted him as a husband, not because you needed him as a friend, right? Chatting is part of that fantasy world and not realistic for him to expect.

[Gunny376]

Anyway, I think you did pretty well over all.

 

This is the boundary you set last week:

 

 

So, it's easy to see that he was testing you. He's trying to figure out if you mean business or not.

 

Heck, I'd up the ante at this point. He was inconsiderate in the timing of his call. Next time, I'd say, "Sorry.. I'm getting ready for work. Call me later." Also, if he called past 10pm, I'd say it's too late at night and tell him to call back another time. Then when he called back... I'd tell him he's caught me at a bad time and act like I was busy with friends. If he started chatting me up before I could bail off the call, I'd remind him of my boundary.

 

I would stall him until he was struggling to get the words,"I really want to have that talk with you"... out his mouth before I could make an excuse and hang up.

 

 

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, give some thought as to why you're waiting for HIM to make a decision about YOUR life.

Don't forget, he only THINKS he has the final word. In actuality, he can't decide to stay married to you unless YOU sign off on that.

 

Keep in touch with your attorney and have your paperwork ready to go. If he lays his ears back and insists on going forward with divorce, you'll be ready to create a sh*t-storm for him.

 

Par the course LJ, excellent stratgity, tactics and advice ~ LOVE IT! :D Keep HIS ass lost, dazed and confussed ~ running in circles! Play YOUR game, not his!

 

SBN! YOU DID GOOD GIRL!!!!!! REAL GOOD!!!!! OUTSTANDING~SIMPLY OUTSTANDING! :bunny: :bunny:

 

You make a Gunny PROUD!!!!!

[stubbornbutnice]

I'm just seeing a double standard here, and wonder what you have in mind as a point where the fence riding has to stop and a choice must be made. I admire your patience, I would have gone off the deep end myself.

 

think the more time that passes without swinging the 2 X 4 the more advantage you lose.

I see what you are saying about the double standard... although I did respond initially to his email but it wasn't a great response, it took me longer to do the big response. I want the fence riding to end before my birthday which is in about 2weeks... I have a really fun weekend planned and I want to know before then so that it doesn't ruin my weekend and that way I'm not in Limbo anymore.

 

So if he doesn't call then how do I inform him of the deadline? Do I email him and say you need to call e on or before "this date" so that we can have this conversation?

 

I'm ready to swing the 2x4, I'm ready to be the hammer, I'm ready to smack the Donkey.... hahahah To be honest I'm more prepared for it to be over at this point then I am to reconcile. If it weren't for my son I don't know if I could be this strong with my H... that's where the patience is coming from for all of you who have asked me. I always said that if I had a child one day I would do everything right by them... they would come first.

 

That means trying with the H even when I don't feel like it because he is my sons father and I want my son to have a great life. I know that I can give him that without my H, and that I can be with someone who will be great to my son... I do know that. If my H called me right now and said that he wanted to try I don't know what I would do, that would be nuts. It would be so much work for me at this point to stay with him, but I would do it or my son... if of course we really worked to have a happy relationship again.

 

I am hitting the ground running on this guys... don't worry. I'm just stuck for the moment kind of... let me know what you think about knocking him off the fence. I'll talk to you guys soon...

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm just seeing a double standard here

I didn't mean to imply that you didn't respond to him quickly enough or that it is you that is applying a double standard. You were blindsided and he has had much more time to "act" while you spent those first two weeks "reacting", surely. It was Christmas, for Christ's sake! That hectic holiday time is hard enough to get through without having to deal with a broken marriage on top of all the schedule commitments. The timing of his initial conversation certainly could have been better.

 

Boy, I don't know what to say about how much time he should be given to decide. I think the geographical distance puts a different slant on things and I haven't had to deal with that in my past. I was hoping that you had a time frame in mind where the line just had to be drawn, and it appears that you do. I'm inclined to believe that he is stalling you at this point. He's had enough time to think about and realize all the changes his wants, needs, and actions will produce. Staying on the fence is just him being selfish and keeping you running in place if you ask me. Your posts today are showing that your patience is wearing thin, and who could blame you for that?

 

Maybe an email in a day or two stating that you are just about done waiting around would jostle him into action. I probably wouldn't give a date, just a reminder that I won't wait much longer, then if I hear nothing I would file for divorce. I would ask for everything and negotiate down, as was said on this thread or Wolfp's.

 

When all is said and done, even if things don't work out, at least you will know that you tried. You tried for your marriage, and you tried for your son. That makes me sleep better at night. You can only control so much in these situations. In the big picture 2-3 months isn't all that long and you won't regret trying to get your marriage back even if you can't. I don't mean to sound so fatalistic, I'm just looking at worst case scenario.

 

Stay strong, this too shall pass, and you have support here and can vent about anything, anytime.

[Gunny376]

Originally Posted by dropdeadlegs

 

Maybe an email in a day or two stating that you are just about done waiting around would jostle him into action. I probably wouldn't give a date, just a reminder that I won't wait much longer, then if I hear nothing I would file for divorce. I would ask for everything and negotiate down, as was said on this thread or Wolfp's.

 

 

I'm with ddl on this one, I wouldn't give a specific date, but I would convey very strongly that the widow of opportunity is closing rather quickly.

 

From your last couple of posts, I infer that were it not for your son, you would have already have the D-papers in the mail, and that indeed you virtually on the edge of moving on anyway.

 

Staying together just because of the children is generally speaking never a good idea, and while I can see you putting 110% + into reconciling, re-building the marriage, getting back to that "lovin'" feeling ~ from your post about this guy ~ I just don't see the committment on his part, for the long haul that's required and necessitated to pull this off.

 

From the on-set, it seems to me that the DH, came to realization that being a husband and a (fulltime) father ~ was more than he bargined for from the initial outset of getting married to begin with ~ he got to K-town, and started longing for the "good old days" when he was footloose and facey free.

 

IMHO, about the only thing that's going to get him to get off the fence, is to whack a little "shock and awe" into his world with a 2x4 in the form of divorce papers via the APO. And, as I said previously, and as Legs has stated, I'd get absurd with it such as:

 

He only get the DS for visitation 2 weeks out of the year

 

He's responsible for footing the bill to and from your residence

 

You keep everything ~ the only thing he gets is all of the bills

 

You get the tax deduction for the son

 

Outrageous child support and alimony

 

Dibs on his future military retirement (even though you've not been married 10 years)

 

You keep all the money from the checking and savings.

 

"When you've got them by the b****, they're hearts and minds will follow.

 

Of course he's going to go high and to the right ~down right spastic, screaming bloody, damn murder. When he does, explain to him that as a wife, your the charming, caring, loving, sharing, nuturing woman on the planet ~ but as a STBXW ~ brings out the worse in you. As Legs said ~ you can always negotiate downwards, but you always want to start from a position of strength.

[stubbornbutnice]

Thanks for the posts guys... I'm still brainstorming but you know I'll let you know anything that goes down...

 

 

Talk to you soon... thanks for the advice and motivation.