And the hits just keep on coming... Not sure how to proceed.

[Ladyjane14]

I am hitting the ground running on this guys... don't worry. I'm just stuck for the moment kind of... let me know what you think about knocking him off the fence.

 

You can do it AT WILL. Whenever you're ready.

It's YOUR life afterall.

 

Your best bet though is to have all your legal ready to go. And to bear in mind... ultimatums can go either way. Be prepared for both possible outcomes so you have a PLAN for how you'll handle whatever comes your way.

[stubbornbutnice]

I guess I am really only prepared for my ultimatum to go the "no" way... I'm not really ready for him to say he wants to try because I don't expect him to say that. I think that if he's going to chang his mind he's going to wait until the last possible second like when he gets back and he's spinning. Or who the heck knows he could come back and think... this rocks, I got exactly what I wanted and it's great.

 

Everyone likes to think that they will regret it one day though, it keeps you sane to think that. I think that by the time he comes around it's going to be when I've already moved on. One of you said everyday I will love him a little less and lose a little more respect for him... that's true. I really feel like he's copping out and decided that this marriage and kid business is just to much work and he doesn't want to do it anymore.

 

He's made comments about how he can't have any more kids because he got "fixed"... I said well you can, just not naturally. He said well that is way to expensive... then he says well you can have more kids. I don't know what the point of that was. I'm just venting. He just throws little things like this out there occasionally like when he said he likes being alone and he doesn't think he'll get married again... whatever.

 

He wants the relationship we had before responsibility entered the picture... that makes me mad... that he's such a little boy that he can't take care of the life he created. And I know there are many many men on this site that are great and have their kids with them and their wives/ xwives are flippin' crazy so this is not for you... but it pisses me off that he gets to run away and all of this responsibility automatically falls on me... the mom.

 

I know I'm blabbing today... I don't know why all of a sudden I'm feeling all blah again. It must be the limbo I'm in. If you asked me when this first happened if I would reach the point where I was ready to end this just so I can have some piece of mind I would have said you were nuts. I always lived in awe of my husband... he was this great larger than life guy... I never thought I would think as little of him as I do right now... I never thought I would sit around thinking "hey, I need a MAN in my life, not this little boy"

 

I'm getting my crap together LJ I'll be ready when he calls me to knock him off the fence. Here's my game plan... he usually doesn't call me during hte week becuase it's the next day for him when it's night for me, so we'll wait until this weekend (you like how I say "we"... you're all in this with me people, and man am I glad you are).

 

I have a lot going on this weekend so if he does call me I probably won't be able to talk... but I want this done in the next two weeks or so I don't want to put him off to long... should I make him answer me the next time he calls? He's never gone more then a week without calling... I don't think he wants me to stray to far yet.

 

Also I haven't guilt tripped him at all about our son... should I? I mean he is giving up his ability to watch his son grow up... and that seems to bother him... should I remind him of this?

 

I know I'm needy lately... you guys are giving me great advice, I'm just trying to think of everything before I talk to him... that way I can't be caught off guard.

[Gunny376]

I guess I am really only prepared for my ultimatum to go the "no" way... I'm not really ready for him to say he wants to try because I don't expect him to say that. I think that if he's going to chang his mind he's going to wait until the last possible second like when he gets back and he's spinning. Or who the heck knows he could come back and think... this rocks, I got exactly what I wanted and it's great.

 

Everyone likes to think that they will regret it one day though, it keeps you sane to think that. I think that by the time he comes around it's going to be when I've already moved on. One of you said everyday I will love him a little less and lose a little more respect for him... that's true. I really feel like he's copping out and decided that this marriage and kid business is just to much work and he doesn't want to do it anymore.

 

He's made comments about how he can't have any more kids because he got "fixed"... I said well you can, just not naturally. He said well that is way to expensive... then he says well you can have more kids. I don't know what the point of that was. I'm just venting. He just throws little things like this out there occasionally like when he said he likes being alone and he doesn't think he'll get married again... whatever.

 

He wants the relationship we had before responsibility entered the picture... that makes me mad... that he's such a little boy that he can't take care of the life he created. And I know there are many many men on this site that are great and have their kids with them and their wives/ xwives are flippin' crazy so this is not for you... but it pisses me off that he gets to run away and all of this responsibility automatically falls on me... the mom.

 

I know I'm blabbing today... I don't know why all of a sudden I'm feeling all blah again. It must be the limbo I'm in. If you asked me when this first happened if I would reach the point where I was ready to end this just so I can have some piece of mind I would have said you were nuts. I always lived in awe of my husband... he was this great larger than life guy... I never thought I would think as little of him as I do right now... I never thought I would sit around thinking "hey, I need a MAN in my life, not this little boy"

 

I'm getting my crap together LJ I'll be ready when he calls me to knock him off the fence. Here's my game plan... he usually doesn't call me during hte week becuase it's the next day for him when it's night for me, so we'll wait until this weekend (you like how I say "we"... you're all in this with me people, and man am I glad you are).

 

I have a lot going on this weekend so if he does call me I probably won't be able to talk... but I want this done in the next two weeks or so I don't want to put him off to long... should I make him answer me the next time he calls? He's never gone more then a week without calling... I don't think he wants me to stray to far yet.

 

Also I haven't guilt tripped him at all about our son... should I? I mean he is giving up his ability to watch his son grow up... and that seems to bother him... should I remind him of this?

 

I know I'm needy lately... you guys are giving me great advice, I'm just trying to think of everything before I talk to him... that way I can't be caught off guard.

 

You've so got your game on!

 

I'm thinking you might as well just go ahead and mule-whack him up side the head with the 2x4, you've lost respect for him ~ and its been my experience when a woman loses respect for her man ~ well you know what? ITS OVER! There's no going back.

[Ladyjane14]

Here's my game plan... he usually doesn't call me during hte week becuase it's the next day for him when it's night for me, so we'll wait until this weekend (you like how I say "we"... you're all in this with me people, and man am I glad you are).

 

I have a lot going on this weekend so if he does call me I probably won't be able to talk... but I want this done in the next two weeks or so I don't want to put him off to long... should I make him answer me the next time he calls? He's never gone more then a week without calling... I don't think he wants me to stray to far yet.

 

You've set a boundary at "we're not chatting", so no matter what else you decide... stick to that boundary.

And I don't think it'll hurt a thing to stall him for another week or two. You've just hit this wall over the past few days where you feel like you're more inclined to end it than work on it. I think it's okay to experience those feelings and work through them for awhile before you confront him.

 

Also I haven't guilt tripped him at all about our son... should I? I mean he is giving up his ability to watch his son grow up... and that seems to bother him... should I remind him of this?

 

Nope. He already knows what he's giving up. Mr. Reality is all you need on this one. Mr. Reality is a Sherman Tank. (!!!!)

 

Hang in there, kiddo. :bunny:

 

 

p.s. I'm having horrible computer problems, so if I don't turn up for a few days... y'all will know what happened.

[dropdeadlegs]

When you have the divorce card dealt to you it is common to be in a fog and take a "fight" position early on. By fight, I mean fight to keep what you are losing. It's like denial. After that fog clears it is common to be seeing things from a different perspective. I do this and I see it all the time here on LS.

 

You start to see your partner in a different light because they have been acting differently. There comes a time when a lot of disappointment is felt. You start questioning why you would want to be with someone you doesn't want to be with you, someone who could disregard your feelings in such a way. You get some self esteem back and that feels good to recapture. Loss of a relationship involves most of the stages associated with grieving over death. Some of us can get to acceptance quicker than others.

 

I know I liked to think my partner will feel regret and many times they do regret their decisions. It sounds like maybe he is regretting his vasectomy and now feeling like he got the short end of that stick, but it's not your fault that vasectomy was the chosen route. It is cheaper and less invasive and many choose vasectomy over tubal ligation for those reasons. Voluntary sterility is a huge decision to make. I didn't choose that until I was nearly forty and had four kids. I think he may have chosen it too early, my childbearing years were pretty much nil anyway, but a man can conceive pretty much forever. Don't let him put any blame or guilt on you. It sounds like he is leaning towards the divorce if he is having these thoughts, but I suppose it could be unrelated to that. I'm just seeing him as possibly thinking a future woman would find his sterility as a flaw she could not accept as where you have already accepted this choice (I assume.)

 

I tell women all the time that the choice to have children at all has a pretty big chance that the responsibility will fall almost entirely on the mother at some point. It's a sad statistic, but true. I know you are hurting for your son as much as for yourself in this situation but there is still a lot of hope for both of your futures. It doesn't have to have all negative repercussions. If your H can be a big part of your son's life and take the financial responsibility seriously it can still work out well. My children's fathers (two Dad's, two divorces) didn't man up fully and I've still made a decent life for the kids. I'm sure it was harder than necessary at times, but I get a lot of satisfaction in our lives most of the time. I see it as something I have done by myself for the most part and it has strengthened me in many ways. A good support system is very helpful, but I didn't really have that either as my family lives far away. My friends are always complimenting me in how well I have done in the face of adversity. When I felt like I was treading water at best, those words meant a lot.

 

You can't even make your husband take an active role, but it will be his loss if he doesn't. That doesn't make you hurt less for your child, but their relationship in the future is largely not within your control. All of my anger and comments about regret didn't change the fact that my husband's were largely unable to act responsibly in one way (physical presence) or another (financially) or both. They wanted to be the Disneyland Dad or became to absorbed in their own lives to act accordingly.

 

Since this weekend will mark two weeks since you gave him his last out (or should I say "in"?), I definitely think it is more than reasonable to expect some resolution and a point of choosing a path to walk down. I don't think guilt trips work well. They often have the opposite effect of what you desire. I don't think you want a man that stays in a marriage just for your son. You deserve someone who chooses to be with YOU as well. I think he is well aware that his role in your son's life will be profoundly changed, but with the right actions from this point on it doesn't have to be an entire "loss." The fact that his occupation takes him away for long periods probably has adjusted his mind to accept a smaller than average role in childrearing already.

 

I think the limbo part of this is what has gotten you down a bit. Closure is good, but it adds finality to the end of something you valued. I really think you will feel better with some decision as to what is next. Action is needed at some point and I think you are ready and need for that action to move forward in order to feel better.

 

You are not needy or blabbing. There is so much emotion and I am really awed at how well you have handled yourself in a trying time. Pat yourself on the back. You are doing well under the circumstances and I want you to see that. Take care of yourself and do what you feel needs to be done.

 

Have a lovely day!

[Gunny376]

You are not needy or blabbing. There is so much emotion and I am really awed at how well you have handled yourself in a trying time. Pat yourself on the back. You are doing well under the circumstances and I want you to see that. Take care of yourself and do what you feel needs to be done.

 

 

Word up!

[MoonGirl]

I agree. I have read through your thread, and I think you are doing really well. You are a strong woman! Hang in there...things will get better!

[stubbornbutnice]

Ok you know I'm sitting here thinking... here's the basics since all of this started...

 

-When I started the 180s he started calling more just to chat.

 

-When he heard that I was at a bar because someone answered my phone when he called, he called and had a relationship talk with me.

 

So those are the big points. I realize that through all of this he has kept saying I don't think I'm going to change how I feel blah blah blah. And he seems hell bent on this whole we're going to be friends after this thing. That's the thing that I'm having trouble with... is that so he doesn't feel guilty, or is it that he might not be so willing to end this if it means I won't be in his life at all.

 

The biggest reaction I got out of him was when he found out I was out with friends including some guys (when my phone was answered) that's when he called me and for the first time he actually sounded a little human, not so cold. But then when he called sunday he was completely cocky and mr. whatever... I know it says in DBing that whenever you and your WS are close in any way that they lash out the next time they talk to you. Hmmmm.

 

So I know everyone said no to guilting... and I get that... but do I let him know that I'm going out and having fun or do I just be quiet about what I'm up to on the weekends? I think if anything is going to snap him out of this it's going to be me moving on... but I don't know. Him realizing that I was out having fun that night (with boys in attendance) has been the only thing to get a real reaction out of him. I did enforce my no chatting boundry when he called... and maybe he was cocky on purpose to see if he could knock me over on that one when he called. But I didn't give.

 

I guess I just feel a little unprepared for my next talk with him all of a sudden. I am sad and I do still want to try and make this work... but I keep smacking my head against this wall over and over. In DB it says that you can save a marriage with only a tattered thread to work with... when I read on these forums I feel like I have more to work with in my relationship right now then some poeple do... but I wonder if it's enough.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is do you guys think that I've handled this the right way if my ultimate goal is to save my marriage. I know I will survive and be just fine if it doesn't work out... but if I'm trying to work it out am I handling this the right way. I'm scared of my ultimatum at times... and then at other times I'm reallly proud of myself for doing it. Do you think that given his behavior that me moving on and doing the paperwork and going NC except for our son is the only way he might come around, if he will at all?

 

He mentioned the cost of plane tickets back to the states for block leave... I don't know why or what his reasoning was... if he was just testing the waters or what, but that would mean that I woul have to see him in a few months... I can't even think about that right now... I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I don't know what the point was of me adding that but it's been bugging me a little.

 

I'm meeting with lawyers the end of this week and beginning of next... also I have a friend who's a JAG Major and he's going to look in to some stuff for me. So for all of you who worry when I get sentimental I just want you to know I'm ALWAYS a planner first:rolleyes: ... ha ha.

 

Well let me know your thoughts... Thanks guys... you really are great.

 

[Ladyjane14]

That's the thing that I'm having trouble with... is that so he doesn't feel guilty, or is it that he might not be so willing to end this if it means I won't be in his life at all.

 

The biggest reaction I got out of him was when he found out I was out with friends including some guys (when my phone was answered) that's when he called me and for the first time he actually sounded a little human, not so cold.

 

I'd say he's trying to keep you on the back-burner. Earlier, he said he wanted a divorce, but also said that if you're seeing other guys there's no way of "working it out".

 

Sure, there's some guilt involved and it's easier to get what you want when your ex isn't adversarial... but at the end of the day, I think the biggest slice of the pie goes to him keeping his options open where you're concerned.

 

That's why you see him working harder whenever he feels like he's losing control over you.

[stubbornbutnice]

I forgot to ask a question... silly me...

 

So what happens if I straight out say to him...

 

"I know you're cheating on me"

 

I don't expect he'll admit it, but wouldn't I be able to tell if he is or not by his response?

 

This is one thing that's bugging me because he's so far away there's no way for me to prove it... but can't me saying this and hearing his reaction tell me a lot?

 

Or would this just backfire and make things worse?

[Gunny376]

I believe the key here isn't so much in getting a rise out of him via going out with friends, attempting to make him jealous ~ etc, but rather that you project the image of strength, confidence (regardless of how it ends up ~ "I will survive!" [You can play the song if you like! ] and that no matter what that its you and not he that's in control of your life and destiny!

 

That is to say, you're the one that calling the shots in your life and its not so much if he wants you ~ but if you want him!

[dropdeadlegs]

The way you handle your thoughts and emotions comes across as so healthy and normal. I like your writing style, too. It's so easy to read.

 

I'm not sure what to offer you today but I am going to type and see where I end up.

 

All of the advice and information is wonderful to listen to and mull over. When all is said and done, it is your life and you must do whatever feels right for you. If you are not ready to give an ultimatum and need more time to process everything, take more time. I am convinced that when you don't know what to do that the best course of action is to wait until you do know. There will come a time, certainly sooner than later, when you will just know what is right for you. Anything you do is right for you at that moment, so no matter what , you are always doing the right thing in that aspect. You want to save your marriage and you are making every attempt to do that.

 

That's my pearl of wisdom for today, and having given something useful, I can now go on to pretend I can read your husbands thoughts and emotions. Please excuse my sweeping generalizations of the male gender.

 

The 180 certainly must have felt to H like you were taking control when he fully felt like he was in the drivers seat. Men prefer to drive. When they aren't driving they like to give directions, yet rarely ask for any since they are never what they deem as "lost." He must be having moments where he wonders if he will regret his decision since it is human nature to do so. Still, I think that when men say something, we have to take it as what they mean. Women are more inclined to impulsively say things that they don't mean as a way of hurting someone when they have been hurt. Men don't seem to do that as often in my experience. They seem more no-nonsense to me, historically. We women like to analyze words for hidden meanings when often there are none. H probably means everything he has said but it can't always be tied together and each sentence must be considered individually. Your H obviously cares about you and your well being so he probably does say some things that are meant to make you feel better, as well as making him feel less guilty.

 

In the limbo stage I honestly think it is better to not discuss what you do on weekends nor what he does. Not to make him jealous or wake him up, but more because none of it matters until a decision to move forward with your marriage or your divorce is made. I think the goal should be to make that decision based on where the parties stand without any further investing of emotion and feelings. Chatting involves emotion and feeling and that is why I suggest conversations to be business-like during the limbo period. I wouldn't want a man to continue with me because he feels guilty or jealous; I want him to continue because, after careful thought of where his heart and mind are, he truly loves me and wants to share a life together. Reconciliations based on guilt and jealousy are often temporary in my experience. Those same feelings that brought the initial divorce talk almost always reoccur and they reoccur quickly.

 

Obtaining legal advice is smart. You need to know have this information to plan your future in the possibility of a divorce. If you are not ready to serve papers, you don't have to, but you do need to know what the financial future holds. That is being proactive enough for the time being. there are many things to consider when considering fair and equitable division of assets, debts, and custody. You can get an idea of what best case and worse case scenarios are. My only comment is that it is often best to strike while the wayward spouse feels some guilt in order to get the best possible financial arrangements. Once that guilt wears off, the gloves come off, too.

 

Keep posting. If you are anything like me, putting my thoughts and feelings on paper (or a PC screen) is very helpful to me being more aware of my logical thought processes versus my emotional thought processes. My emotions get the best of me and I can see things in a different light when I write them, especially if I think someone is analyzing my thinking.

[dropdeadlegs]

I forgot to ask a question... silly me...

 

So what happens if I straight out say to him...

 

"I know you're cheating on me"

 

I don't expect he'll admit it, but wouldn't I be able to tell if he is or not by his response?

 

This is one thing that's bugging me because he's so far away there's no way for me to prove it... but can't me saying this and hearing his reaction tell me a lot?

 

Or would this just backfire and make things worse?

 

 

Refresh my memory...have you come out and asked him if there is someone else? I went back and read the first post, but noting three pages in total I didn't want to have to read every one.

 

If you haven't asked him, I definitely would ask if another person is in play here. I would carefully word the question and preface it with an unemotional buildup. Here goes:

 

Something has been bothering me. (his reply here, like "what's that?") Before I ask I want you to know that I want the truth and am fully prepared to handle it (his reply, "okay.") Are you involved in any way, physically or emotionally, with another woman?

 

That's my mental picture of the conversation, but you use your own judgment and words , of course. It's hard to imagine what the other end of the line would say, too. Maybe he would admit it, maybe not, as you surely have no way of investigating. Then again, a comment of Gunny's comes to mind concerning adultery under military law....don't remember the specifics and if they would factor into an honest answer. I would probably ask again, even if I had asked in the past as long as some time has passed. I wouldn't want to come off as obsessed about the issue, but it is a valid question concerning the state of the marriage, not a question of his personal activities in the way I associated with chat.

 

As for an accusation, you know better than I do if that's the way to go. I don't accuse unless I have pretty substantial proof, even if that proof is somewhat circumstantial.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Gunny376]

I'd ask him ~ if he gets really defensive ~ you've got your answer.

 

Of course as a military man ~ especially a comissioned offier he'd be a fool to give you a straight "yes" answer, especially with your ties to the military.

 

He could be charged with

 

Adultry with X amount of specifications

Sodomy (Defined as any kind of sex other than with your law-ful spouse)

Conduct un-becoming an officer

Bringing dis-credit to the armned forces

Fratnaztion (if with someone of a lesser rank within his chain of command ~ or with any enlisted personal)

 

And, any other number of the articles of the UCMJ, depending upon the circumstances, and how bad someone was out to hang him!

[stubbornbutnice]

Legs-

 

I have asked him before once when I was all emotional still when this first happened and I got the...

 

I'm not even thinking about another woman right now... I just want to be alone... I would let you know when that becomes an issue, in the distant future

 

I aksed him again when we had the talk that sunday... I said you know any one in my situation would be crazy to think that another woman isn't involved somehow seeing as this was so sudden, your unwillingness to work on the relationship, and the finality of the way you ended it... he said...

 

You know I was in a briefing and they asked us if we were single and I said I was seperated and the MAJ said well that's still married as far as the Army is concerned so don't do anything stupid...

 

basically he was trying to let me know that the command would not approve of such behavior... but as a former soldier I know that what the command doesnt see doesnt matter either.

 

So that's hat I've said so far, and like I siad I don't expect him to admit it, just like Gunny said it would hurt him with the military, but they say someone's response to the question can be a tell in and of itself... that's why I was wondering. I guess I can just wait until we have our "talk" and just ask and see what I get... maybe be a little less passive about it.

 

Dunno... aren't I just a motor mouth today.

[MoonGirl]

Just a thought - make sure you record the conversation! I record ALL conversations I have with my husband (we're separated).

[Gunny376]

You know I was in a briefing and they asked us if we were single and I said I was seperated and the MAJ said well that's still married as far as the Army is concerned so don't do anything stupid...

 

 

This isn't DA (Dept of Army) but DOD regulations ~ either you're married or you're divorce ~ DOD doesn't recognize legal spearations, and the dependent spouse is entitled up to 80% of the service members base pay in their support ~ and can still be on the hook for the bills ~ so if you wanted even without proof of adultry ~ you could hurt him ~ really bad monetarly. This could go from zero to light year speed ugly, quick fast and in a hurry like.

 

MoonGirl Just a thought - make sure you record the conversation! I record ALL conversations I have with my husband (we're separated).

 

I agree, for less than $20 you can get a suction cup microphone with a 5mm jack (to fit a handheld micro-recorder (less than $50 ~ $100). It fits on the mouthend of the phone.

[Gunny376]

basically he was trying to let me know that the command would not approve of such behavior... but as a former soldier I know that what the command doesnt see doesnt matter either.

 

Well the Corps isn't the Army and the Army isn't the Corps ~ and they definately don't see eye to eye, nor agree (we haven't forgotten that cheap **** ya'll tried to pull back in 1949!), but adultry, at least when I was in, was some serious ****, and I doubt its change much. Of course there were different rules for commssioned officers and enlisted pukes such as myself!

[stubbornbutnice]

Hello again... ok here's a short update, and it's only short because there isn't much to tell...

 

Last night I was out with friends and I left my phone in my car... well he tried to call me twice, so I missed those calls.

 

So then I noticed that he emailed me (my phone is a PDA)... so let me give you the background on the email...

 

We have friends coming to visit from Germany in the summer. My H was going to coordinate his leave with our friends plan to visit (before he decided to travel Asia)... so they are still planning to come.

 

He told me that he told his friend that we were having problems and that he probably wouldn't be here when they came to visit. Well when I asked him for our friends email address a while back he didn't seem to want to give it to me and when he finally did (after I asked several times) he let me know that he didn't actually tell them he wasn't going to come back for leave, so he kind of fibbed when he told me that... no matter.

 

So he emails me last night (something like this)

 

Hey, so "insert name here" emailed me with the dates they are coming. (he gave me the dates) I told him he could drive one of the cars. I haven't discussed anything else with them. I'll give you a call this weekend. Thanks.

 

So what? Again we're waiting for the weekend phone call? Uhhhhhh... And with that email he's given me a pretence for the call so you know he's not going to call to really talk to me about "us". And what's with the not telling our friends still... these aren't our best friends or anything... Why hasn't he told them he won't be here yet???

 

You know I was hanging out with my Latte at B&N and I was reading Divorce Remedy ( I own divorce busting) and I read the section on mid-life crisis... that is exactly how my H is behaving... exactly! It was so strange to see such a perfect description in black and white print like that. Michele says that you are supposed to just wait them out... I remember LJ saying something similiar about that it could be as much as two or three years. I just don't know. It also says in the first paragraph that you could wait in vain... some men just never snap out of it. Freakin' h*ll.

 

If I were trying to follow the book then according to her I'm already doing the wrong thing with this ultimatum that I gave him... it felt like the right thing to do at the time:confused: .

 

Well folks... here we sit again, in the waiting room. I'm sick of the waiting room... it smells, the magazines are out of date, and there's realy ugly wallpaper in here.

 

Let me know your thoughts... And you know I'll be back with anything new.

[stubbornbutnice]

PS-

 

I also got a nice suprise that made me smile...

 

A friend of mine that I lost touch with when my H and I started dating emailed me yesterday. He's in the Army as well... a commander. I always thought he was really sweet (and cute)

 

Don't worry though my friends... I know you guys get nervous when those of us who are still "dark and twisty" start talking about boys... I am always careful with this one because I know he likes me.

 

Just wanted to post something nice for a change:D

[dropdeadlegs]

Considering I had a husband who wouldn't even tell his mother we were splitting, I am not surprised that he has been less than honest with your friends. Whatever!

 

All the D busting and remedying is only as good as how long you can stand sitting on the fence, really. How long can YOU do without losing your mind? I wouldn't have that much patience (2-3 years? WHAT?) But this isn't about me.

 

I love your waiting room comments.

 

Nothing important to say, here, just wanted you to have some waiting room chit chat to pass the time.

 

The weekend is upon us, but like you, I don't see much likelihood of limbo resolution. Keep in mind that you have power in this too! Like I said before, when you know what to do, you will do it. If waiting and patience is what's right for now, keep it up.

[Ladyjane14]

... I remember LJ saying something similiar about that it could be as much as two or three years. I just don't know. It also says in the first paragraph that you could wait in vain... some men just never snap out of it. Freakin' h*ll.

 

If I were trying to follow the book then according to her I'm already doing the wrong thing with this ultimatum that I gave him... it felt like the right thing to do at the time:confused: .

 

 

Sweetie, the "two or three years" bit is pretty much provided for informational purposes. There's quite a bit of real estate to be had between what can be done, and what I would do personally if I were in your shoes. Because, honestly... if it was me, I'd have already told this guy to go f*ck himself by now.

 

Still though, if you're not ready for that... I think I would stick to the boundary I'd set. He's just reeling you in by putting a "necessary" chat out there for your attention. You can circumvent him by calling your friends yourself and telling them what the deal is. Heck, they might even prefer to alter their plans than to visit at such an emotional time. I think it's just polite to give them the option.

 

It's possible for you to take the lead here... and devil take the hindmost, know what I mean? IOW, when he calls you can say you've already taken care of that.

 

You're not much of a "loose cannon" if HE always gets to call the shots, right?

I think it's probably better to be unpredictable and therefore INTERESTING, even if it pisses him off. Hell, I'd file "pissing him off" under the heading of 'perks' at this point.

[Gunny376]

Again, with great emphasis!

 

You're the one that's calling the shots in and with your life ~ not him!

 

You're the one that's in charge of your life ~ not him!

 

You're the one that's responsible for your life ~ not him!

 

You're the one, that right or wrong ~ makes the decisions in your life ~ not him!

 

You're the one that decides what to put in and what to leave out of your life ~ not him!

 

You're the one that makes the decision who to include in your life, and when ~ not him!

 

And, granted! I'm seventeen years the other side of where you're at now?! And, its been a long road getting to where I am now, but the above is the fundamental basis of where I am now ~ and to be honest with you from what I infer from your posts, you've traveled farther and faster than I when I was going through this back in the day.

 

I'm to the point where I basically could give a damn if the sun doesn't shine ~ not in a depressive, negative way ~ but in the sense that I recoginze that it is I that's responsible for my own personal happiness and contentment in life.

 

I'm with someone that doesn't want to be with me? See you around, have a nice life! My own personal happiness and contentment in life doesn't rely upon any one single person's approval, validation ~ although I do "seek the love and affection of friends and family ~ the rest can go to hell" (John Wayne quote )

 

And, I've got to hand it to you ~ you've got a hell of a lot more patience and tolerance than I would in your situation, because if I were you, I would have done told this guy to stick it where the sun never shines, in fact the first time he mouthed that he wanted out ~ I personally would have made his dreams come true! All too happy to obliged!

 

I get more negative responses to the following string of reasoning than I do positive ~ but its one of my basic core beliefs:

 

When you give up the mentality that you've just got to be in a relationship, you've got to have a BF, a GF, or a wife or a husband, when you embrace being alone, being single ~ relish it ~ when you take full responsibility for your own personal happiness and contentment in life ~ you've just solved a hell of a lot of your problems in life!

 

Put a smile on your face, go out an rub a little sunshine on your face and have a nice day!

[dropdeadlegs]

I can't help myself.. I agree with both LJ and Gunny. Aren't they both just too cool to handle?

 

My BF is exactly the same way. If I said "break up" he would say

"sayonara." I love that about him! I know he would hurt, but it takes the drama out of our relationship. I'm so tired of drama.....I prefer the cut and dry approach at this stage of life. I love you, you love me; it's so simple and I want simple. Complicated is soooo 1980's. (for me, as I grew up into adulthood in the "80's.)

[Ladyjane14]

 

My BF is exactly the same way. If I said "break up" he would say

"sayonara." I love that about him! I know he would hurt, but it takes the drama out of our relationship.

 

Same here.

 

There's pretty much a 'no-tolerance-for-bullsh*t' policy in my relationship too. It's kept me on the straight and narrow for over a quarter-century. My husband would kick my behind to the curb so fast, it'd take my head ten minutes to catch up if I'd pulled any of that on him!

 

And by the same token, even though it was a close call... this is what kept him from taking that final step when we were in crisis. He knew that if he cheated on me physically, or if he actually left me... we would be DONE.

 

I think programs like marriagebuilders and divorcebusters are great in alot of ways. But there has to be a stopping point, a point at which you're willing to lay your ears back and say "this far and no more". The point at which he KNOWS you mean business.