i can't hang with this

[thickasabrick]

I met her about 10 years ago and really liked her. I am white...she is asian. I always wondered "what if" with her but never thought she had any interest in me. After about 8 years she asks me out to lunch. We have been inseperable since. I am in my mid 40's and had never dated an asian woman.

 

I had reservations about moving forward from our 1st date because she told me she was attracted to african-americans. I don't know why she told me this. I did not ask for this....I was just a guy who was crazy about her and was really, really let down by this. I was so unhappy at our first date when she told me this I actually considered leaving when I went to use the restroom. I can understand if I had asked.......but I did not ask and quite frankly......did not feel it was appropriate to volunteer this to me. It really slammed a wedge between us right from the get-go.

 

I do not have any "fetishes"....I am not attracted to females from one race more than another race....and I find this to be really shallow. I wish words could express how sad I have been the last couple of years. It would not have bothered me much, but she kept reminding me of it (ad naseum) until I finally had to say........."stop telling me these things you are being hurtful". I would never say something like this to her to make her feel uncomfortable in certain situations and think this whole matter just really sucks.

 

I am angry because I had to tell her to stop telling me about it. It was (as I have told her)..........just.........."not cool".

 

Since I confronted her about this I keep getting different stories from her as to what the truth is. Frankly, if it is true...I don't wish to move forward. All I know is my bad feelings about this and subsequent lack of trust are wearing quite thin. The truth is, I'll never REALLY know what the truth is. She certainly won't say "oh yes it is true"...and if she says "it isn't true".....my argument is WHY DID YOU TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHY DID I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT???

 

I am no saint. I have been divorced twice. But I don't get it. How could you tell someone something like this? What is the point? What good can come from it? I can tell you what I have got from it.......the feeling that I am 2nd best, an unwillingness to go out into social situations and a genuine feeling of uneasiness when I do go (and trust me...I do not have low self-esteem issues), and a total lack of trust for her motives and actions.

 

I don't know really where to go with this........anyone have any feedback?