How do I take back what happened?

[Shadowdog36]

I originally posted this in the 'breaking up' area, but I'm not getting any real responses to my questions.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111575/

 

In a nutshell, I told a girl that I've known for a long time, but dated for a short time that I thought I was starting to love her. She withdrew, I know I scared her away, then chased her. I know, I know, everything wrong, but when we were together, there was a real connection between us, and I'd love to have that back.

 

Last time I contacted her, I asked to meet with her and discuss all of this. I told her that, for the first time in a few months, I was thinking with my head, not my heart. She responded that she was dating someone else, and to not contact her. That was 2 weeks ago, and I've stayed away.

 

The problem in my mind is... how do I show her that I've changed, that I understand what I did wrong in the past, if I have to stay away. We wouldn't have much interaction if we weren't together (live in different parts of town, different jobs) and I wouldn't get a chance to see her unless I was actively seeking her out, something that would, at this point, creep her out.

 

For the record, I've known her for 14 years, as a friend back then, but lost contact up until September. We went out over the course of a week in October, and told me how close she felt to me. We had sex after our second date, which she initiated, and I know she's not the type of girl to do that with just anyone.

 

What are my chances of ever getting her back? I'm not looking for tomorrow, but at some point down the line. How do I get back into her life without looking like a stalker? Any advice would be appreciated.

[the_total_package]

No, you're not going to get her back. It's not your fault, stop blaming yourself! She at some point decided that you weren't the one for her and she wasn't in love with you.

At this point, the only thing you can do is proceed with the fact that it is completely over with her and focus on moving on from the thought of getting back together with her. I would recommend seeing a counselor. You're looking for people to say that you DO have a chance of her coming back and it being like it was. It's better for you if you face reality that you're not together, she broke up with you, and hasn't looked back, so that you don't keep hanging on. OK, she told you she's seeing someone else and not to contact her. That is a definitely wake-up call to you that you should forget about her! It's clear and black and white, she knows she could have you back, but she is choosing to date someone else.

So the answer to your questions is there's nothing you can do to get her back and look forward to moving on with your life and enjoying it without her in it.

[bluetuesday]

i agree.

 

there is nothing you can do to show her you've changed. every single one of the balls is now in her court. it has to be her making whatever contact you two have in the future.

 

all you can do now is show her you respect her wishes and her choice to be with another man by doing as she asks, by leaving her alone.

 

sorry man. life is sometimes rough. try to learn something from this. when they withdraw, it's NOT because they want you to chase them.

[Adrenaline]

Here is something I learned from social psychology, human ecology and personal experiences. It's in our nature to kick someone while they are down. We do it without thinking about it and refuse to admit it when we do. You can see this with other animals such as chickens. There is in most cases a small weak chick in the group; the stronger chicks will peck it to death.

 

What I am trying to say is, the harder you try to get her and the more

miserable you look. She will continue to make you suffer. Don't let her peck you to death.

 

The best thing for you is to move on. And I know, believe me, it's extremely difficult . But the truth is, there are many other opportunities out there. You are just being stubborn to yourself. Don't let this fog up your perception.

[Star Gazer]

She told you she's with someone else and asked you not to contact her. Please respect her wishes.

[notmakingsense]

You are going to need to have faith that if it is meant to be, she will find you and contact you. Any conatact from you, even a contrived "chance encounter" will feel like pressure to her.

 

Try to learn from what you just went through. I read your other post, and it seems like you suffer from similar traits that I do. I fall "head-over-heels" very quickly and get serious sooner than appropriate. This is scary to "balanced" people who are used to more of a paced approach to relationships.

 

Take a look at your own self-esteem and confidence. Some of us, like myself, are low in this department, so when someone comes along who shows interest in a way that makes it easy for us -- we are blown away simply because our low confidence in making relationships happen for ourselves. And when we think we are losing control, we can get desperate -- which, as you know, makes matters worse.

 

If you read what I say and think that this might have something to do with it, then focus on things that make you happy and confident. See if you can get yourself to the point where you don't "need" to be in a relationship. Usually, when you get to this point, the women come looking for you!

[Shadowdog36]

I've been with other women before. I've been on the other side of this, and had a woman chase me, which I found to be incredibly annoying. I've never done this to anyone before...until her

 

I guess that initial 'Holy S**T, This is the One!' feeling that I got from her took control of me. I've never felt that for anyone before, and yes, it was all new to me. I'm used to being very independent, and have been happy being single and 'free' all of my life...until her.

 

Confidence, like any feeling, can be stronger or weaker depending on what's happening around you. It's never been an issue for me that I could recognize...until her.

 

The hardest part of it all is that I could see myself staying single all of my life, and being happy that way. I've got strong connections to my friends, and I can go out any night of the week and bring a girl home with me (not bragging, just trying to explain myself...please understand). Moving on with me means going back to a life that I don't know if I really want anymore. For the first time in my life, I felt a need for that companionship and that closeness, and even to me, it felt like weakness. I can imagine the vibe I was putting out there.

 

For the record, I never said that I was going to contact her, or continue down this road anymore. I'm trying to get perspective as to how a woman feels about this type of situation, if there are cases where a woman is willing to listen with an open mind and understanding, instead of not being able to let go of that initial fear. The feeling was there between us at one point.

 

Does it disappear forever?

 

Star Gazer, those kind of curt responses do nothing to help, and it sounds like you've got me pegged as a certain type of guy. If you can't provide some insight, please don't post here. I've said countless times on here that I will not initiate contact with her, and will not chase her anymore. Do you really feel the need to spell that out to me again?

 

I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear. I'm looking for some answers about how women think. For me, when I have had someone chasing me, the feeling was never there on my end, so I don't know how someone reacts when there were true emotions at the beginning, as I believe there were with us.

[the_total_package]

and was having any second thoughts, I would have called you by now and wanted to meet for coffee and talk things out.

The fact that she told you not to contact her anymore is not a good sign. I would say that to an exboyfriend if I really was no longer attracted to him and did not want to see him at all, if I totally had no romantic feelings left. Plus she said she was seeing someone else...that is probably true, she probably is seeing someone else, and if she has no desire to see you, she is caught up in the happiness and rush of the new guy.

If I had behaved in the manner you described as her behaving, I have moved on and am not looking back. it was a thing I had with you a few months back, but I'm over it.

[kimba]

Well I'm sorry everyone, but I think she is going to come back....eventually. She got scared off- she will date this other guy- realise he's not as great and come back. I have read so many posts like this. Its really just a matter of when , not if. Thing is, don't let her back in too easily - actually start moving on so that she is not scared off again by your intensity- and just play it cool. Do absolutely nothing now- just go NC. It might be months, but I know she will come back. Just don't put your life on hold in the meantime. I'd say she just wasn't ready for an intense relationship.

[Quixotic]

The only way you can stay in her life is to be her friend with no strings attached-meaning you can't start telling her you have feelings for her, or give her any clue as to you wanting to be with her again. You said you guys dated for 1 week, and you slept with her after the 2nd date. Although you might have felt a deep connection with her during that time, she was most likely rebounding from someone (or something) in her life, and using you to make herself feel better. Alot of people use other people in "transitional relationships". She needed to validate something within herself and dealt with you for that week to boost her confidence before she moved on and started dealing with another guy. But since you asked how to keep her in your life, the only way is to hang around and be available to her, when she wants, on her terms since she told you she was with someone, and go f*** yourself. I have friends that do this to guys- They know when a guy is really into them, and some girls take advantage of this. They will keep the guy as a friend, but since they know the guy wants something more, the girl will f*** with his mind and use him. Sometimes they use them for money, gifts, etc.--you know the typical gold digger, but there are some people that are so insecure with themselves, they NEED attention from anyone, and will use you as a warm body to get that closeness before they move on to someone they really want to deal with. But from personal experience I know that these types of people will need YOU before you need them. Most likely she will call you again, at some point in the future, when she neds that sense of validation again. If you want to, you can hang around till she and her current bf break up, and i'm sure she'll call you to hang out and talk, but just be aware she will probably do the same thing again-be with you for a short period of time before she gets with someone else.

[the_total_package]

I don't think she was serious about the OP as he was about her. I don't think she's going to call at all, I don't think this guy is even a blip in her radar anymore. It doesn't make sense what Kimba said because not everyone I've broken up with I've later regretted and called. So now she's with this other guy, if she breaks up with him, later on she's going to call HIM back after dumping him and it's a never ending cycle? Don't think it works like that. Also you have no idea how she is feeling about this new guy and if she thinks he is not as great as the OP. Maybe she thinks the NEW guy is the bee's knees and she's not looking back.

[suchislife]

Here's the good news. You are moving forward regardless. If she comes back, and I think she will, (I have seen this happen many, many times), you will then decide what to do based on how you feel when it happens.

 

In the meantime, keep very, very busy. It's ok that you felt the way you did, maybe just not the right time. If people have any understanding, they get it, unfortunately, many don't and you can't change that. If you believe you did the best you could, go with that and just try to keep growing and learning.

 

You really don't know how she feels. You can't worry about it. Trust your instincts, but, don't wait.

 

It hurts, I know. But it does get better.

 

Keep posting. I would like to know how you are doing.

[Shadowdog36]

Thanks for the input, all. Sounds like a lot of different opinions here, so let me give you a little more background, and you can tell me what you think then...

 

14 years ago, I took her out on a date, as friends, to a mutual friends' house party. I was 22, she was 17. It was a good night and I never made my move, as much as I wanted to. That haunted me for a long time back then, but I chalked it up to a missed opportunity and moved on. I remember telling her about this one night when we were talking, about how there were 3 women in my life that I really wanted, her being the third. Never did get the other two. She thought it was cute that I had a crush on her from so long ago.

 

She came out of a broken engagement a few years back. She broke the engagement due to the other guy's lack of ambition, motivation, and she caught him in an online sex chat room that sealed the deal for her. After that she dated someone for about a year, someone that she worked with, and someone that she said, lied to her...about his age, his future plans, and his commitment to their relationship.

 

After that, she dated a friend of mine for a brief period (4-5 months) and that didn't work because of the same problems with her ex-fiance...no motivation, no career, no goals, etc.

 

This girl is very independent, something that I was really attracted to. She owns her own house and works 2 jobs, one as a professional, the other in a mall at night to blow off steam and socialize with the other girls that work there.

 

She was initially attracted to me because I was funny, confident, successful, goal oriented, independent...everything all the others weren't. She told me how she felt so comfortable with me, how I was so good, it scared her. When I would flirt and compliment her, she told me that she hopes I keep feeling this way. At one point, she wrote me this really long email, after I had said that I was starting to love her, and asked me to slow down, that she wanted to keep dating me, that she didn't want to wake up one day 5 months down the line and find me gone, after she gave all of herself, emotionally, to me.

 

That last one, the thought in her head that I could leave her, is what prompted my initial push about how I could never leave her, how important she was to me, blah, blah, blah... I should have given her space. What I did was try to fix what I saw as a misconception about me.

 

"I won't show you...I'll tell you over and over till it sinks in."

 

I know...stupid. But I was scared. If she didn't know, after all of the talks we had, that I wasn't going anywhere, I must need to do more.

 

See how this happens? It seemed like such a rational thing to do at the time, especially when you're the one stuck in the middle of it all.

 

We tried to get back to where we were, but you can't un-say what was said, and the awkwardness ballooned till she couldn't see what she was attracted to anymore.

 

When she finally walked away, I was stunned, to say the least, and felt so strongly about this that I tried to fix it immediately, again. In the process, pushing her away even further.

 

I really feel like this whole thing came down to that one moment, when I said that I was starting to love her. I didn't feel like a 'rebound' and she had made a few comments to me about a long-term relationship, asking if I ever wanted children and things like that.

 

When I lost it a few weeks back, I was saying some pretty intense things to her. Nothing creepy, but how I still couldn't let her go, and can we please try again. This is embarassing...I remember telling her that I waited 14 years for her, so never tell me that I'm moving too fast. Sounded like a really romantic thing to say, in my head.

 

That's when I heard about the other guy. I tried to deal with it, and asked to meet with her...again. That's when she finally told me to not contact her.

 

I refuse to let this control my life again, and I know if she had taken me back back then, it would have been horrible for both of us. But, given what I just said about her, does anyone have any further insight?

[CaliGuy]

You've already been given the best advice. However, I'll see if I can add a little more.

 

You can not rationalize love and feelings to man or woman. It doesn't work that way. Attraction does not work that way. The more you try and reason with someone about why it makes sense to love you the more you will simply push them away and come off being needy and clingy.

 

The best way to handle this is to move on and forget about her. Go out, meet other women, have fun and a good time. If she wants to be back in your life there is nothing that will stop her. Not hell, not high water. But you must understand there is nothing you can do to force her feelings to change. They have to change on their own.

 

Going out with other women will help rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Put away reminders of her and stop over-analyzing what happened. Instead, go back to doing the things that made you who you were before you got together. Only this time, learn from your past mistakes and don't repeat them.

 

The more you "want" someone, sometimes, the more you will you push them away. What you needed to do you already realize and that was slow down. She tried to tell you in the email and you did what most men do in that situation. You tried to force things to happen before they were ready.

 

It's ok, we all do it at one time or another.

 

Again, let her go. She's told you to back off and if you do anything at this point you will nail the final hammer in any feelings she may have left for you. If you leave her alone then you may find her coming around sometime in the future. But I wouldn't count on it. In fact, I would live my life as if she is gone forever and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If her heart changes she knows how to find you.

[notmakingsense]

This describes a lot more context to the situation... thanks.

 

Something similar happened to me. When I started to sense my ex-gf pulling away, I pushed harder and harder by communicating my undying love and desire to always be there for her, and so on.

 

When she told me to back off, I did. Completely. I apologized for my behavior during our last conversation, wrote one note, then went NC.

 

2 weeks later, she started contacting me again. It was my ability to respect her wishes and back off that allowed her to build some trust that I could respect her timing.

 

But.... my exgf didn't have another man in the picture. This could be a huge difference in our scenarios. She might just be dating as a knee-jerk reaction, she might even be stretching the truth about dating a little to scare you off, or worst-case, he might be part of the reason she's unwilling to work through your insecurity over her withdrawal.

 

Either way, it doesn't matter. Remaining out of contact is the best chance you have at this point. You will be on your path towards healing. If, along the way, she seeks you out and allows an attempt at reconciliation -- well, great -- but you have to put yourself in the mindset that this won't happen -- otherwise, you will be putting your healing on hold.

 

Good luck!

[Shadowdog36]

OK, I need to say this. It seems like all of the advice on here is to put it out of your head, give up hope, move on, and don't contact (which is obvious to me at this point).

 

I'm sorry, but what's so wrong with a little bit of hope, as long as it doesn't rule your life?

 

Hope can motivate you to do the right things for yourself. I'm quitting smoking on Valentines Day. My little F.U. to her. I'll be better on the other side of this, and you'll be the same person, not growing as I have. Do I hope that me being a better person will bring her back? Sure. Am I living my life, waiting for that moment? What do you think?

 

Let me illustrate. I go to the store and buy a lottery ticket. Do I buy the ticket, then immediately give up hope. Why bother to even check the numbers, right? I buy it, hoping that I win. Do I go and empty my account and buy the new Mercedes I had my eye on, expecting to win? Of course not.

 

My point is, there's nothing wrong with having hope that someone you cared about will someday care about you. Where you are at that point in your life is your choice. If you choose to accept them again is your choice.

 

I'll say it again, and everyone try to listen this time...I'm not putting my life on hold for this girl anymore. What I had in those 3 months wasn't unfulfilled hope, it was obsession. Unfulfilled hope can be a positive driving force in your life, if you choose to use it constructively.

 

I 'hope' you all understand. If you don't, don't worry...I'm not losing any sleep over it.

[notmakingsense]

Ok, we hear ya!

 

Most of us are just so used to reading about people sucking themselves back into toxic relationships or impeding their own progress by contact that we just don't believe you when you say you are approaching the situaion healthily.

 

Hope is cool. It is a motivator. And if you are honest about it and truly believe that it will help more than hurt -- then go for it. Any technique that works is a good one!

[taylor]

Hope is what motivates all of us to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

So, it is a good thing.

 

But, you also want to make sure your feet are moving in a direction that, in the end, is positive and beneficial to your well-being.

[MotherGooze]

hope is good as long as it's not fals and it doesn't not end up to more hurt

[CaliGuy]

Hope is great, yes. But if your hope keeps you from moving on then it is not helping you at all.

 

Whatever changes you make in your life, do them for yourself and not her or the changes will never be permanent.

 

It's not that everyone here is negative or bitter. We've just seen it time after time of people who come here seeking hope for a reconcilliation and be dragged through months of pain and anguish.

 

If you give up hope on the ex, you are forced to put 100% focus on you. And that's where it needs to be right now. Not your ex.

[Kamille]

Hi Shadowdog,

 

your post in the 'Advice from a dumper' thread made me want to know what you were going through.

 

I can really relate to it. Last fall I had a really brief one month encounter with a man I felt could have been a soulmate of mine.

 

He left to go figure things out with his ex and never came back. It wasn't easy for him to leave and this made my hope that he would come back someday even stronger.

 

For a long time I fantasized that he would show up on my doorstep, even as I tried to get him out of my head. I couldn't understand how he could walk away from what we had and felt like the only thing that would restore its proper value was for him to come back.

 

All my friends advised me to stay away (do NC) but I could not help myself. I needed closure and I needed to be in touch with him in the hopes he would realize his mistake.

 

I now realize he didn't value what we had as much as I did. And I am ok with that. I now feel ready to love again and I appreciate what I have learned about myself in that relationship. That is, for that short month, I really was who I wanted to be in a relationship and I thought that he was the one who had made it possible for me to be that person.

 

The fact is, I was ready for something grand and he wasn't. I carried the magic of the relationship for a whole month, oblivious to all the signals he was sending me that he wasn't ready or coming along so fast. I thought it didn't matter because I was too wrapped up in how amazing things felt between us. And I felt strong, confident, fearless.

 

I now realize that since he didn't value it to its proper value, then the reality is that I was the one who enabled myself to be who I wanted to be. And that I can therefore be that person again. If anything, it has thought me two lessons: to take things slow, to be selective. it has also shown me that I do have a lot to offer. His walking away does not take that away from me.

 

It just means he was not ready for it.

 

I also understand your need for closure. I tried to get it from him by getting in touch with him but soon realized that nothing he did could help me get him. He was too invested in the narrative of having broken my heart to be open to a real conversation.

 

I still think he might come back one day. It doesn't make sense to me otherwise. I just know now that he is not the one for me.

 

You said in the 'advice from a dumper' thread that at least you can carry what you have learned from this experience to another woman. That's so true. I am glad you realize this. Perhaps it is time therefore that you make room for your own closure, let go of trying to vindicate yourself in her eyes, and start giving new candidates a chance.

[Shadowdog36]

Hey Kamille,

 

Thanks for taking the time to find out about me a little bit. It's been a little while since I've read what I wrote here, and I've come a long way since then.

 

I know it sounds cliche, and you hear this all the time, but what I had with this girl seemed different. I know a lot of people will, and have told me that it wasn't long enough to establish anything serious with her, but only I know the types of conversations that we had. I had tried, in the past, to see if maybe I was the one nuts, given the things that she said to me, but all I ever seemed to get on here was...no contact, move on, etc.

 

Yes, what we had was short lived, built on a foundation of 14 years of common history. She still has a picture that her mother took of the two of us from 14 years back when I was her date to a formal party that we were both invited to.

 

When we finally got together, she told me that she hadn't laughed as hard as she did in years, how she was so comfortable talking to me, how she felt she could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge her, how she wanted to keep dating and not screw this up with me, which is why she wanted to take things slow, how I was the best kisser she's ever been with, how when we had sex and she had an orgasm, it felt different, more on the inside, where normally she was more stimulated on the outside. She asked me if I wanted children, she told me that I was so good it scared her, she told me that she wasn't going anywhere and I'd have a long time to enjoy us, and we both promised not to hurt each other.

 

Does this sound like someone that's not all that into me??? I'm I crazy here??? Does it sound like I was the one that moved too fast???

 

After hearing all of this, I thought two things...first, that I was totally into everything she was saying. I wasn't scared, I didn't try to back away. I ate it all up. Second, that I never felt this way for someone before. I've always been extremely picky about who I date, and I've never found someone that I felt was worthy of not only my time, but my emotional commitment. This girl was the one. She was IT! I felt it so strong, I was sure that she was feeling the same way, I told her in a text message one Wednesday evening "I knew you 14 years ago, I liked you 14 days ago, and I think I'm starting to love you today."

 

That was the beginning of the end. From there it was me trying to explain why I said what I said. We tried to forget about it, but she couldn't seem to let it go. In my attempt to sound as sincere as I could, trying to assure her that I was not looking to try and force things along, that I actually felt this way, she began to mistake my attempt at sincerity as intensity, which further distanced her from me. What was I supposed to do? If I had told her that I wasn't sincere, then I was a liar, and that would have been her reason to walk away. I had no soultion to this problem, hence my title to this thread...How do I take back what happened? This seemed to be the only was to 'fix' it, to take it back completely.

 

In the following months, I would go 2, sometimes 3 weeks without contacting her. Other times, I would last a week. Each time I did contact her was via email, just little notes telling her what was going on in my life, trivial things that, hopefully, would let her know that I wasn't so intense all the time. Never got a response. Not one.

 

This made me crazy, and I was probably worse in my head than what I let on, but I needed to find a way, a reason to meet her for just 5 minutes. Bought her a Christmas gift, nothing special, just a little Angel (had told her one time that she was my angel) for her tree. Asked if I could meet her somewhere to give it to her. She told me that she couldn't accept a gift from me, but thanks anyway.

 

This sent me over the top. My one chance to see her, my one reason that I could come up with, and she shot it down before I ever got a chance. This sent me into a frenzy, and I wrote her 'the letter'.

 

"F-U for walking away from what could have been. You're a child for acting this way, etc."

 

That was my 'final' letter to her. And 3 weeks later I sent the apology letter. Sorry, was looking for attention from you, whether good or bad.

 

No response, again.

 

Finally, asked her to meet me, to see if there's any life left to extract out of this, and that's when she told me that she was seeing someone else.

 

All my life, I've been the dumper. The one that decides that I need to walk away. This happened to me once before, but I wasn't as into that girl as I was with this one.

 

For a long time, I totally blamed myself for what happened, and that if I could have only not sent that one message, then everything would have been fine. I realize now - that's not true. It would have been something else that she would have found as a reason to latch onto. I've come to the understanding that she is the one with the issues. Sure, I've got mine, but I've been able to recognize them and work on fixing them, which is why I keep saying that I'll be a better person on the other side of this. She, on the other hand, is doomed to repeat this cycle over and over until she admits that she's got her own issues. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor, to save her from herself, but I realize that she's got to be the one that takes that first step and makes herself vulnerable again.

 

My big problem right now is that in 36 years, I've only found one person that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. Just to give you a quick background on me. I'm 6'1" and weigh about 210 right now. I'm a big, fairly muscular guy (34" waist to give you an idea of proportion), I shave my head, and I've got emerald/blue eyes that everyone tells me are awesome. I have nearly a 145 IQ, and among my friends, I'm known as the funny one. I'm a catch. I know I am. For a brief while, this girl took everything away from me, but I have it back now, and I'm still left standing in the same place, alone, with everything I have to offer, and no one to offer it to.

 

What keeps me from totally moving on is that I have no where to move on to. I don't think I can go back to being the single, happy guy I was, cause this made me realize the intimacy that I've been missing. I can't get with the next girl I see in any kind of long term capacity, cause that's not the way my mind works. I need to see potential, and I told you how hard that is for me to see in another.

 

So I'm stuck here, in this limbo, waiting for the next big thing to come into my life, whether it be her realizing the mistakes she's made (which I doubt at this point) or someone else that knocks me off my feet.

[Tomcat33]

Shadowdog36

 

I have been following your post and have a I wanted to ask you a few questions and makes some comments.

First off, I wanted to say I am sorry that you have stagnated in this place of hurt, when we love someone and not just anyone but someone we actually feel is "different"from everyone else we have met, and they leave us with little to no explanation it is the toughest pain to deal with. So I empathise with you.

 

I would however like to know what it was about this woman that made you fall her in particular, what it was that made you beleive that she was the one especially since what you have described in your posts leads to beleive she may not have been as emotionally available as you may have percieved? When you say that you have so much to offer and don't feel like you will find someone like her to share this with, what exactly if you can pin point is it that you feel is almost irreplaceable?

[Trialbyfire]

OP, in reading this thread, it appears that she perpetuates a cycle. She attracts guys who are attracted to her independence but actually wants a guy who's independent. With you, the cycle was broken but she felt insecure enough to find ways to negate it, thereby causing you to push harder and appear more needy, which created the cycle again.

 

I would say she has the issues and has eroded your self-esteem. As others have said, focus on yourself and move on. The only way to do that is to let go completely. Once you do that, you may find yourself more open to someone else who has less baggage but is just as amazing. NC is not about getting your ex back, it's your time to get yourself back.

Good luck.

[Shadowdog36]

Sure, Tom, I'll do my best to explain it, but it's hard to pinpoint what really gets you. It's mostly just a feeling, but I'll try...

 

When we first started talking, before we dated or flirted with each other, or anything, we would have these amazing 2 or 3 hour conversations, talking about everything and nothing. Know what I mean? We 'clicked' with each other, talked every day for about 2 weeks before we dated, and it was like we were both so happy to have been able to re-connect after all those years. Our personalities meshed, we complimented each other, and understood where the other was coming from, without the need to explain.

 

On our first date, we got into some really personal things. Things that happened to me when I was much younger, and things that happened to her when she was first getting into her teen years. Myself, I've never told anyone about my 'stuff' but it felt so natual to be able to share that with her, and she said the same to me, that she never felt wierd about telling me anything.

 

Yeah, towards the end, she did seem emotionally unavailable, but in the beginning, we were really connecting, and that's the part that I started to fall for.

 

Now, I gotta say this as well...I'm a guy, and as such, was initially attracted to her physically. She's Italian, with long black hair, deep brown eyes, and reminds me of Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. She's sexy, beautiful, and has this incredibly feminine voice that makes me melt when I hear it. When we were together, she would get this very coy, shy smile on her face that made my mind do backflips.

 

Physically, she was everything I was looking for. Intellectually, she was on par with me, and I didn't have to explain myself to her. She 'got' me. Emotionally, I thought we were on the same page at the beginning, but that, obviously, fell apart.

 

What was it? All of this, and then some. The way she held my hand. The way she would hold my face, and run her thumb across my cheek, the cute little giggle when I made her laugh. The combination of finding everything that I was looking for in another person, after looking for it for the past 20 years, and having it slip away...that hurts. It will always hurt, and no amount of 'no contact' will ever take that pain away. I don't want to wait another 20 years to find that again, and maybe that's what caused me to, perhaps, rush things with her a bit.

 

OK, enough, I'm gonna get myself all worked up over her again.

 

Bottom line...it was her, and I can't point to any one thing and say 'that's what did it for me'. When you know, you know, and I can listen to everyone on here tell me differently, but I know the difference between love and infatuation. I've felt infatuation before, but I've never felt what I did with her.

 

Tom, I know that you're more than likely looking for some insight into your own situation, but all I can say is that my experience is my own. If I was reading this about someone else, I'd probably say the same things that everyone is saying to me, that it wasn't what I thought it was, etc.

 

When I was younger, my dad used to tease me about the fact that I was looking for Miss America with the brain of Einstein. Good luck! I guess that's why I'm not too optimistic about finding someone like her again. Especially at my age, if another woman like that does exist, chances are they're in a relationship, and any guy would be a fool to let someone like that go.