How do I take back what happened?

[Kamille]

You explain that feeling of finding someone 'different' so clearly. It also brings me right back to how I felt with that guy I dated. I could go back and quote out some of the things that you say because they relate so closely to how I felt for him. And you are right, I never felt like that with anyone, but perhaps because I am a hopeless optimist, I really believe I will find that again. And at least now I know it's possible.

 

We shared so much, we laughed and talked all night, I really felt like I had nothing to hide from him and he said the same of me. It seemed like we could feel what the other felt. And the part that was a big red flag that I chose to ignore was that I could always help him through his problems. But I never had any during that short month. I admired him for who he was and he said he thought I was amazing. That he didn't know he could ever feel like that with anyone.

 

When I first met him I didn't feel that attracted to him but within days I thought he was the most attractive man I had ever met. I couldn't keep my eyes or hands off him. And the sex was amazing. For both of us.

 

Honestly, I finally can move on but I still think about him everyday. And I have finally accepted that I will never understand how he could walk away from something so great. We have had a few discussions after the break up. For some reason he really 'boxed up' what we had together. Made it all fit nicely in the narrative of his life. Well I know the reason... He was trying to make things work with the ex he left me for. I hung on and could not do full NC because I thought one day he would realize I was more then the woman's who's heart he broke to get back with his ex. He never did.

 

I admire you because you don't try to protect yourself by putting up an armor that could help you move on faster by making her out to be a b****.

 

I am glad you had the courage to say hi to her today. For yourself. I know that part of me moving own was me learning to be myself around him again. But I also avoid him as much as I can still for the time being. Every time I run into him I seem to have a moment where I double check on what I did or said to make sure I didn't make a wrong step. And really, I don't like being like that.

 

Your posts are making revisit that time in my life. I am currently reading through some of the emails he and I exchanged after it all ended. (We currently don't live in the same city - which has proven to be a great help!) I haven't looked at them in ages.

 

It's weird, with the time, I realize that I am more ready to appreciate what's in them for what it is. Back then I was just in too much of an emotional roller coaster to take them at face value.

[Shadowdog36]

Trial- Yes, I agree that she creates this cycle for herself. I don't think she's aware of the fact that she's doing this to herself, which makes me pity her more than hate her for what happened between us. At the same time, that thought has allowed me to really look at the situation, and stop assigning all the blame on myself, as I had done in the past.

 

The more distance I put between that moment in my life and today, the more I can see that she was just as guilty in leading me on to that point. Like you said, she's creating this cycle.

 

I remember the first time she started to withdraw from me, I basically told her 'Fine, go, I don't want to hear back from you cause I don't want to think about you anymore'. Got a response from her within the hour, saying 'no, that's not what I wanted' and things like that. Stupid me, I allowed myself to believe that it was a one-time thing with her, and went back to my old ways. Within 3 days she was gone again, for good this time.

 

 

 

Kam-

 

No I don't think she's a bitch, and I don't think I'm an as$ either. We both made mistakes. My issue with her is that I'm looking at myself with a critical eye, trying to learn from my mistakes. She, however, is looking at me as the one that screwed this up, never once considering that she had a hand in this. Like I said above, this makes me pity her, cause I know she's going to end up with someone that uses her. She's attracted to guys that don't care about her, and that will cause her a lot of pain for a long time. How could I hate someone like that? I said it before, I tried to save her from herself. I was her safe haven, and she mistook my kindness for weakness or neediness (read that line on one of the threads on here, and loved it!).

 

Like you, I tried for so long to understand the 'why' from all of this. I never will. Even if she were to explain exactly what she was thinking to me, I'd still not get it. Why? Cause that's her experience influencing her reactions. How can I expect to understand the sum of a persons life experiences in a 5 minute conversation?

 

Let me illustrate. When I was younger, much younger, like 5 or 6 years old...when I was playing a game, and I lost, I'd cry. No matter what the game was, or how insignificant, I'd cry if I lost. Now, I don't do that today, but does that feeling, that 'tendancy', that natural childhood reaction influence how I react today? I'm sure it does. Is it profound? Probably not, but that's just one experience that shapes who I am today. It probably has some influence on how I'm reacting to this 'loss'. How can I possibly begin to understand another person's reactions?

 

The remorse I feel today is centralized more around the loss itself rather than the person. She's just the anchor to hang it off of.

[Shadowdog36]

Just wanted to bump this to see if I could get MissDumper to give me some input on my situation. I really like what she has to say, and it sounds like I might actually learn something from her.

 

IF YOU'RE THERE, LET'S TALK!!!

[2ndIINone]

hoohuummmm.....

I'm gonna have to agree with Kimba and Caliguy combined.

 

You WILL hear from her again. Let us not forget a 14 year history. That's a long time. If she can turn her back to a 14 year friendship and never look back? ... then sorry to say, you are so much better off. You'll just realize it months from now, maybe years from now. And will most likely laugh about it...

 

Agree with everyone else... as far as, respect her wishes and give her space. Move on focusing on you. Forget about her?? Hah! just try it... 14 years? you won't ever really forget... but you will get over. Which is whats really important. And THAT'S when the phone usually rings. And hey... if she does happen to contact you... be her friend... but a friend without emotions/feelings... cause that's what she'll be fishing for. Play it cool, keep it calm.... You will have a busy life... moving on... gettin' things done for YOU. Dates, girlfriends, friends, job, house, gym, vacations... etc.

 

Hope - nothing wrong with having hope, so long as it doesn't hold you back. Sometimes the wrong kind of hope, keeps a person from seeing the big picture. Hell, a few times, I've let hope for someone good, keep me from getting to know someone better. That's the wrong kind of hope.

 

You wanna hope for something??? Hope that her new guy treats her and loves her as much as you do. Because if you really care about her, then you'll wanna see her happy with anyone, even if it's not you. That's a good level to reach.... cause when you've reached that level, then she no longer controls your emotional attachment. Hope I explained that well.