why do i want people to hurt me?

[Toni_no12002]

Well to start ill just go over abit about my past.I never really had any boyfriends when i was younger.I was really shy and had acne and no one seemed interested.As i got older i found that mn started to get interested in me and i really liked it.I had a bf for 2 and a half years and in that time he kept doing things to me which i didn like and it really upset me(in the sexual way).In the end i left.I had a few boyfriends after that until i met my previous one

 

Ive been with this bf going on 3 years and we have a baby and a house.In that time i have been out on a nights out and found myself alone and 2 different men have forced thereselves on me.One down a street on my way home and another a taxi driver made me do things to him.

 

My bf knows about these times because i was upset about it.I told a friend and the frist time she seemed concerned but now people think its just easy to gt over.As my bf says i should just forget about it.

 

The reason i think these things happeed is because when im drunk sometimes i walk off from my friends.I dont know why i just do.

 

I found that even though i feel discusting by what happened and really hurt by it i keep wanting it to happen!What the hell is wrong with me!It like i want people to hurt me.

 

Can anyone help because i feel so alone.I cant tell anyone how im feeling.Any advice would be helpful

 

thanks

[CardPlay3r]

Wow toni....you've been sexually abused and raped and never dealt with it. Sadly your bf and friend are ignorant at best, highly insensitive at worst...

 

You really need to deal with the rapes and abuse you've suffered, counseling for sexual abuse is free in the UK so you must do that....and remember no it was not your fault!

 

Take a look at http://www.rainn.org

[Road Rage]

Actually Toni it seems you may have substance abuse problems. No one can help you but yourself there.

 

If someone gets drunk and wanders off and gets sexually abused, the lesson learned should be don`t ever drink again.

 

You don`t seem to get that. You need counceling for substance abuse.

 

Also, you probably need to reevaluate your personal relationships. They may not be good for you.

[CardPlay3r]

Wow, I can't believe that 'advice'. Telling someone who has been raped it's their fault is the worst thing one can do, not to mention it's totally untrue.

 

Rapists are creeps that should be behind bars period. The "she was drunk" or "she wore sexy clothes" and other "arguments" of the sort are just lame excuses made by rapists themselves.

[Toni_no12002]

Hi thankyou for your replies.The thing is i dont drink that much i go out once a week with friends.I knew that when i got drunk i had a tendancy to walk off home because i knew i was drunk.When it happened the first time when i was out i tried to stop it so i decided to get a taxi.Big mistake that was.

 

I know that i have alot or seem to have a lot of issues.Im insecure for one which is why in a previous thread i wrote about my bf and porn etc.I have always felt like i wasnt good enough.Mainly im a listener i listen to peoples problems and help them out.I dont mind.But i feel like i cant talk to anyone about my problems because they never seem to listen.They all have there own problems.

 

Latley ive been feeling really depressed I mean i know dont have a bad life but still i feel really down.My bf says to stop feeling sorry for myself.Maybe i should but it doesnt help me.In the past ive seen 3 counsellors.This was even before this even happened.I just never really liked who i am.

 

People will probably think im just being stupid and i understand that maybe i am but i just dont know how to stop feeling like this.There was a whole lot of other issues throughout my life that i think maybe affected me more than i think they did.

 

I know lifes never easy and many people will have a whole lot of problems that are worse but i just cant seem to find a way out.Everyone always seems to think oh its Toni shes listens to my problems.It annoys me abit.Am i just being selfish?

 

 

what do i do?

[Craig]

I found that even though i feel discusting by what happened and really hurt by it i keep wanting it to happen!What the hell is wrong with me!It like i want people to hurt me.

 

Can anyone help because i feel so alone.I cant tell anyone how im feeling.Any advice would be helpful

 

Toni the idea of wanting people to hurt you is not that unusual. It isn't healthy but it is common enough.

 

What is unusual is to be so self-aware and to be able to talk about it like you do. That is a good thing.

 

About the best thing that you could do would be to talk to someone like a psychologist that can assist (not help) you through this.

 

The other thing is that even though you might at some level have a desire for people to hurt you, it is not your fault that they hurt you.

[Toni_no12002]

Even though im not shy anymore i find talking to someone about my problems hard.Well at least face to face anyway.When i tried telling my friend what hapened i couldnt actually say it because i felt so embarrassed.

 

The good thing about talking about problems on here is that nobody actually knows me and that im not talking face to face.I am scared that people will judge me.I used to self harm and occasionally i do now but ive tried to stop myself.Maybe thats where this thing of wanting people to hurt me came from.I dont actually know.

 

I dont want people to get the wrong idea of me because i know i say that i want people to hurt me in a way i dont.I think maybe its my own little twisted way of punishing myself.Im not sure.I never allowed any of this to happen.The second time in the taxi he locked the doors and drove somewhere.I was terrified.Somewhere in my mind though i think that i deserved it.