Guest Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 My fiance has been gone for about 2 months. he moved to another state for work. we are supposed to get married in 3 weeks. I have never even remotely cheated on him. Last friday I went out and got really wasted, and I kissed and ex-coworker. I stopped it! I know it was a huge mistake, but I love my fiance with all my heart and I do not know what to do. I think if he finds out he would be devastated! and maybe call the wedding off, etc But I cannot live with this and my Conscience in driving me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Hello, I think you certainly need to tell him. He will be hurt and dismayed but I doubt he will call off the wedding. If you had had sex with someone else then it would have been a different matter. If the roles were reversed I am sure you would have wanted him to tell you. If you do not honesty at the beginning of your marriage then what do you really have? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 My fiance has been gone for about 2 months. he moved to another state for work. we are supposed to get married in 3 weeks. I have never even remotely cheated on him. Last friday I went out and got really wasted, and I kissed and ex-coworker. I stopped it! I know it was a huge mistake, but I love my fiance with all my heart and I do not know what to do. I think if he finds out he would be devastated! and maybe call the wedding off, etc But I cannot live with this and my Conscience in driving me insane. Tell him what you did. In this case...its a hard call, and I'll take you at your word, but you say you "only" kissed this other guy(which is just about as bad as sleeping with him). He deserves to know the truth. My wife did the same thing to me, only I found out about it years later and after we had kids. Now I'm resenting the hell out of her and I can't say that we won't divorce over this. But I know if I had found out about it before we got married...I would have called off the wedding. I always hear people say, "i love him/her"...but then cheat?...uh...ok. Most people will come here saying something like "no good can come from telling him"...well...I say..."something much worse can come if you don't tell him"...my situation being the proof. I say come clean so you can clear your conscious, and let the chips fall where they may. Yes he may leave you...but he will resent you if he finds out later after you are married. Don't say, "there is no way he will find out"....thats what my wife thought too. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I personally dont think you should tell him.I think you realise what you want otherwise you wouldnt have stopped it.You feel guilty yes but if you told him it would hurt him and probably hurt you alot more. If you had gone the full way i think that maybe you should tell him .as its just a kiss and nothing more came of it i think you should leave it.Just make sure it never happens again.Why cause all the heartache because you feel guilty.I think you should put it behind you and get on with you life. I know many people will disagree and i respect that.But telling him will cause both him and you trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
woodyman Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Yeah fair call with not causing un-needed upset, but I think the ultimate point to this is living, if only for a while, with the guilt of it...and then the worry that this guy might tell him...all sorts. I know it wasn't a huge thing, only a kiss, but I wouldn't like that at all... Tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 i think if you feel you cant live with the guilt then tell him,but be prepared you might lose him.It wasnt a big thing but he might never trust you again.If it was me if it was just a kiss id rather not know.But if it was me that had done it i wouldnt tell him anyway. Do you think he would stop the wedding? Getting married is a big thing just make sure its what you want.Alcohol can make people do things they wouldnt normally do.Im not saying alcohol is an excuse but some people have done silly things when drunk that they wouldnt normally do when sober. Link to post Share on other sites
Great Gazoo Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 My wife kissed another guy not that long ago and she told me but at the time it was more the guy she works with joking around. I wish she never told me because it was not a big deal but now I have all these doubts about things. Just be honest with yourself for starters, was it the alcohol or is that just a excuse and in the back of your mind was it just really a kiss? For my wife I think now it was more. That she wants more out of life and our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I know many people will disagree and i respect that.But telling him will cause both him and you trouble. By not telling me before we got married, my wife caused a hell of alot more trouble in our lives by not telling me. Now two kids lives hang in the balance of what may end up in divorce. If my wife told me before we got married what she did...it could have saved a hell of alot more heartache than what we would have had by me cancelling the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 i think if you feel you cant live with the guilt then tell him,but be prepared you might lose him.It wasnt a big thing but he might never trust you again.If it was me if it was just a kiss id rather not know.But if it was me that had done it i wouldnt tell him anyway. If someone's sole reason for not telling is because they KNOW they would lose them, then not telling only serves their selfish purpose of keeping that person with a lie behind it. Alcohol can make people do things they wouldnt normally do.Im not saying alcohol is an excuse but some people have done silly things when drunk that they wouldnt normally do when sober. Actually, I think alcohol gets people to do things that they'd really like to do, but just don't have the guts to do it sober. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Eddie Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Actually, I think alcohol gets people to do things that they'd really like to do, but just don't have the guts to do it sober. Or it gets people to do things that they'd really like to do, but know better than to actually do when they're sober and able to consider the consequences. And people who find themselves doing such disastrous things when they're drunk should stop drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 He needs to know. If it is not that big a deal, then he'll get over it. Sometimes, it isn't what people know or can get away with -- there's right and wrong, and letting someone sit with a complete misaprehension about the status of the universe before getting married is wrong. It's inducing someone under false pretenses, and like prior posters have said, the ommission will be worse if it is discovered later, because it will retroactively taint every single memory and sneak doubt into every event. Lastly, do you still have the job, and do you drink still? You may want to end it yourself given how life is likely to look for you -- if I found out about something like this and were inclined to let my G/F stick around, two things would be certain: (1) new job, ASAP and (2) no drinking, at all, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Actually, I think alcohol gets people to do things that they'd really like to do, but just don't have the guts to do it sober. Not always the case.In some circumstances yes.Alcohol can make you more confident and more daring.Sometimes it can change the way you view things completley and blow them out of proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 To think of it an example is that when ive been drunk ive told countless people that i love them.Man or woman.The next day i cant believe i actually said it and sometimes its to people i dont actually like very much. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Salicious - you and me have very similar stories I think you should tell him and then let him decide if he wants to go through with the wedding. My H cheated on me while dating/engaged and I didn't find out until after marrying him. Like Salicious resents his wife - I resent the hell out of my H because he pretty much decided my future by keeping some very important info private (his cheating!). If I'd have known he was cheating all along, I would have dropped him. Funny, but my H even cheated on me 3 weeks before our marriage - only he actually had sex with the woman. You talk about me being devastated. He thinks that because he got up in the middle of the night and left (probably guilt eating him up), that that's a good sign. I told him he should have left before anything happened! So you really can't keep this kind of info to yourself because you are deciding your future and his future without giving him all the pieces to the puzzle. He deserves to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts