I need some expert advise

[kycat2007]

I have to tell the whole story here and let you guys give me your input on what I should do or what can be done.

 

I knew this girl for a year or so and I always liked her. I made it clear that I was interested but she wanted to keep us as friends. She got married and called me about 6 months into it and said that she had decided to get a divorce. Her husband and her were married after she had gotten pregnant and she dated him for a month or so before marriage. She miscarried and afterward she realized more and more that her husband wasn't as compatible with her as she thought. She filed for divorce and had to wait 60 days to put the paperwork into the system.

 

We started dating after this and our relationship started to bloom. She said that I was what she wanted in a partner. We had a great summer at the lake and the relationship grew. Understand that she has never been a freak when it comes to sex but I knew I loved her and the frequency was good at the time. Well after about a month of dating she told me she was taking Prozac. Nothing changed and all was cool till about October. The weather change and the onset of the holidays she seemed more depressed and withdrawn. Her boss even noticed that she seemed like she was having breakthrough depression. I asked her several times to get her meds evaluated because I felt that she was not the same person I had fallen in love with.

Finally we had a big blowup argument a few weeks back. We decided to slow things up a bit and she did go to the doctor. She asked about Cymbalta and he gave her the prescription. Now her demeanor is better but she says she feels numb. It has been a few weeks since we have had sex and last night we had a talk about how her libido is gone. She said she wants to feel when she has sex but there is nothing there. She doesn't want to have quickies, oral, or anything. I told her that sex allows me to connect to her and that I feel disconnected. She said that she feel that she might need to take the spiritual route and find someone who will love her without the sex. I told her if I waited say 6 months to a year to get married why would the sex situation change? She said she could not gaurantee anything. She said that in marriage you are there for better or worse, in sickness and health. She puts the question on me "am I meant to be alone because this sex issue has come up before and guys can't accept me because of it".

I do love her but I thought dating was to allow you to make sure you are compatible. She seems like she is drawing the line in the sand and I am not sure if I can't cross the line. What can I do? Any meds to help with this? Am I wrong to want it more since it feels like never?

[kycat2007]

She called tonight and asked what was wrong. She said that I am hung up on the sex and that if she was such a bad gf then we should be done with it.

I told her that I want to be intimate with her. I want to spend Valentine day giving her flowers and making love to her that night. I told her that when I am out of town for a week I want to come home and make love to her. I want to reconnect.

She says that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. What can I do?

[norajane]

It sounds like either her depression or her meds (or both combined) are killing her sex drive. If she's had this problem with other men, it sounds like it is chronic and recurring...meaning, it's not going to just go away.

 

I don't think there's anything that YOU can actually do, other than to accept the situation or break up.

 

Is she actually seeing a therapist regularly to talk through whatever issues are causing her depression? If she is, then maybe there's a chance she can get past this one day and stop taking the meds. Otherwise, all she's doing is dosing with medications, and depression meds are notorious for killing sex drive. Maybe she can try different drugs and find one that doesn't have that side effect on her libido.

[dropdeadlegs]

I am not a doctor. I have taken Prozac and Effexor XR for depression and both killed my sex drive. The Effexor XR also left me feeling numb.

 

Sex is important to me, but it isn't important for everyone. For me, I decided that the meds were to get me over a bad hump and that I didn't need them long term. that solved my libido problems.

 

Again, I am not a doctor and I have not taken this drug, but I have two friends who take Lexipro and say that they do not have the same loss of sex drive that they had with other antidepressants. I think your GF should speak to her doctor about this issue and together they could maybe try other dosages or other drugs to resolve the problem.

 

However, she may not feel like it's a problem for her. Counseling would better resolve the underlying issues that might cause her lack of interest in sex in general, if that is the case.

[Krytellan]

She is doing all the right things. She is being completely honest with you and telling you that her drive may not come back. If it is already bothering you not having sex, then you need to think hard before commiting to her. I had a sexless marriage and I could NEVER do it again. It really wears on you.

 

You, unlike many men, have the priviledge of advanced warning. Please don't underestimate the effect of no sex on a relationship. Make a thoughtful decision here.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

ITA with the previous post. Some woman are just not that much into it! If she is on the pill that can affect her libido as well. I heard some of the pills on the market does that to a woman's libido. She is being honest and if you feel this is very important to you (which I can understand) then maybe you should look for someone more compatible with your drive. Good luck!

[kycat2007]

She lays these guilt trips on me and that is what is even worse. She says I guess I am meant to be alone. She also says "I am such a terribel GF"

 

I think I know what to do and why but it is hard because our relationship did not start this way and now it is totally different when it comes to sex.

[Ladyjane14]

This woman has been very clear with you about her wish for a non-sexual, romantic relationship. You on the other hand are very clear in your wish for a sexual relationship. These two agendas are incompatible. You can twist it, turn it, and pull it... and it's still going to amount to YEARS of sexual deprivation on your part if you elect to proceed.

 

There is a growing movement of folks who CHOOSE celibacy in their lives. If this young lady is one such person, your best bet is to move on and find someone else who shares your same goals in regard to intimacy.

 

There are all sorts of folks who are having lop-sided libido issues within their marriage, and in a way, that's oftentimes just a natural ebb and flow. But... It's just CRAZY to walk into a marriage with THAT dynamic already firmly entrenched.

[Topper]

If your seeking expert advice why did you come here? This is nothing but a bunch of well meaning, at times insightful amateurs. Experts would be Dr and Therapist.

Depression isa very serious condition. Like most things that effect the human brain it does have an effect on the sex drive. The drugs they use to control Depression can also have a big effect on men and women. Sometimes the loss of libido is just short term. The good new is that if one drug is having an ill effect then she can try another. It is sometimes a real hit or miss thing. it could take years to work out or it could be she just wakes up out of the fog of depression in a few weeks. But you really do need some expert advice.

[kycat2007]

You guys are correct about the knowing what to do part of this situation.

 

I do not think she wants to change medicines but she doesn't seem to want to lose me either.

 

I will probably have to ask her to go back to just being friends and hope that she finds love without sex from someone else.

[Curmudgeon]

Experts would be Dr and Therapist.

 

If her depression was triggered by the change in seasons she could suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Then again she may have a serious depressive disorder and the season change merely triggered the depression. Finally, it's possible she could be bipolar type II which could explain reasonable sexual activity at one time lapsing into no sex at others.

 

I woulde strongly urge you to gently urge her to have a psychiatric evaluation to either rule out or pinpoint these possibilities. A primary care physician may think they're doing the right thing by treating the depression but if she's bipolar then only treating the depression can actually cause her to get worse.

 

There are new families of antidepressants that are very effective with much fewer side effects than the old family of meds. They also allow a range of options from SSRIs to SNRIs to SNDRIs like the Effexor already mentioned.

 

Of course that will all be dependent upon whether or not she's willing to be evaluated but a psychiatrist is the "expert" that needs to be sought.

[kycat2007]

This is an update on what is happening now. She said that wants me to give her some time.

 

Now she is saying that she might need to take a spiritual route and bring more religoius ways to her life. We discussed the idea that the Bible state no premarital sex. Now my problem is that if I did wait till we got married to have sex again, I may be very disappointed with her because she has this libido issue. Way too much unknown for that to happen. I think.