low-fat-al Posted October 31, 2002 Share Posted October 31, 2002 Hi all, I have never written on a board about my problems so I thought I would give it a shot. Here we go.. Well I have been dating this girl who has been an answer to my prayers since April 12, 2001. We are about 9 years apart in age. I am 31 and she is about to be 22. I know that should be a problem but it is not. I will try to summarize the situation. Our relationship has been PERFECT. We are best friends and it couldn't better than it is. No fighting and a lot of give and take with much love shared to eachother. Lately in the past 6 months or so we have not been able to be as intimate as we wish. A situation beyond our control (living conditions and work schedules). We don't live together. I work on weekends as a DJ in a nightclub and she has a day job during the week. We have discussed marriage and know that we will get married someday. She has brought up during the course of us being together why I haven't asked her yet considering my past relationship. *(My previous girlfriend and I were engaged after 6 months. We were together like 2 and half years and NEVER got married. She basically left me because she needed to grow up a little. We have since talked and discussed that she was in the wrong and treated me bad.)* Well I have been paying on a ring secretly the past 4 months or so. I planned to suprise her on Thanksgiving. Recently I have been a little depressed about money situation and not having any time to take her out. She has gone out with friends and I feel bad that I can't be there for her. One Saturday night we had a little discussion on where we stood and we both agreed that we have been neglecting each other in ways. The marriage thing was brought up and in her eyes she thinks she isn't doing something right and that I don't want to get engaged and start making plans. The opposite was true and she was in for a shock. Through our heated discussion I couldn't take it anymore and I told her I have been paying on a ring for her. Well the reaction I got wasn't what I was expecting. She was suprised alright. She said she since she thought I wasn't ready she started question herself and if she was ready. Two days later she pulled me to the side and said she wanted to be alone to sort things out. Meaning no contact, no phone calls or seeing each other. She wants to figure out why she is so confused on everything right now. I am so sure of our relationship and now I am on hold. This is killing me and I don't know what to do. It is hard to not know what my BEST FRIEND and soul-mate are thinking. It hasn't been that long since I saw her last but I want to know how long I should wait til I have a say in the matter. I am respecting her time to herself. In the mean time I found the courage to spill my guts on the web to get advice... low-fat-al Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted October 31, 2002 Share Posted October 31, 2002 Welcome!! :-) The first thing that bothers me here, is the fact that she was hung up on the engagement thing, because you 2 have been together for 6 months, and you and your ex got engaged at 6 months. I don't think that kind of 'pressure' from her is a good thing. No 2 relationships are alike. It's not a contest. I don't like the way she's admitted to being insecure, all because you aren't at the same place in the relationship at 6 months, as you were with your ex. Comparisons like this are silly. The decision to become engaged should only come about because BoTH people feel ready, not because it's some sort of insecurity thing or contest. Secondly, you 2 are in no place to consider getting married. With your opposite work schedules and the little time you have to spend together, etc., I don't think you really know each other well enough to consider marriage. 22 yrs of age is rather young to be considering marriage. That's an age where there's still so much growing to do, so many life experiences to gain, a need to really find oneself. Let me ask....were you just fibbing about putting money down on a ring, to make her feel better? (couldn't tell if you were serious or not) Her reaction is strange, in my opinion. I suspect, and please don't take offense because I could be wrong, but I suspect she's expressed feeling insecure at you not having proposed before, not because she's feeling ready to become engaged, but MORE because she's jealous that you proposed to your ex at the 6 month mark. Her reaction after the "ring" comment isn't what I'd expect someone who was dying to get engaged to have.....to totally distance themself and need all this time to think. It's possible that she's playing jealousy games with you. Sort of like that saying, "you always want what you don't have." If I were you, as hard as it will be, I'd give her her space. And in the mean time, I'd think long and hard about being in a relationship with someone who's so wishy washy and pulls away from you this easily. When my husband proposed to me years ago (I was 25), I was so overwhelmed with love and joy and shock that it was one of the happiest days of my life. No way did I need time to think about things. I'm sorry you're going through this, this must be upsetting and confusing for you. You offered her what she said she wanted and now she's confused. I think she's just really young and likely doesn't know what she wants, nothing personal against you. Keep us updated please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author low-fat-al Posted October 31, 2002 Author Share Posted October 31, 2002 Thanks for the reply. First off after I told her about the ring she felt as if she had something to do with it as far as her talking about it and stuff. That isn't really the case for the time of the relationship we both have discussed marriage and kids. Our work schedules do confict but have spent what time we have available together. For someone who is 22 she really is down to earth and is not like your typical of that age. I did tell her that she is gonna go through some changes as normally people do at that age range. I just want to be there for her and help her through this. I am without choice left to step aside while she has time to herself. If you really knew us personally you would freak out that this is all happening as my friends and family are. We are so close to each other. I did pay on a ring but cancelled it. I told her that recently too. She understand and thinks that was best anyways since she is not sure of herself at the moment. It is just weird that I don't see her or talk to her on a daily basis as we were. I already feel as if we just split up and it is killing me. I know it isn't easy for her as well. My friend takes karate with her and said she seems down as well. Why do people do this to themselves as well as their mates when it hurts both parties involved. I agree with you on her reaction to ring. I told her that isn't exactly how I wanted her to find out. At the time is was more to reassure her that I am so ready to have her as my wife. When we talked marriage before we agreed on a long engagment anyways. like a year or two. That in my opinion would be right. I am probably not doing the healthy thing of looking at pictures in photo albums too. ... Throughout our relationship I have made so many projects for her. I do video editing and have a video editing studio as well. I have made a couple of interactive DVD's of different events and stuff that we have done together. Oh well. I really hope she gets her head together so we could move on. On a side note: Her past relationship the guy didn't exactly treat well at all. They fought all the time (verbally) and he sold drugs. I am angel comparred to him. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't even care much for some sports on TV. (basketball, football) low-fat-al Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 31, 2002 Share Posted October 31, 2002 It sounds like she just needs time to think it through and find out if she is really ready to settle down. That's a mature thing to do and, in my opinion, healthier than rushing in to something. If she pulls away then yes it will hurt, but better now than after a few years of marriage and some kids. As for romantic proposals, well... I don't remember when my husband proposed to me, the memory is completely gone from my mind but he tells me that he had to do it twice because I wasn't satisfied with the sincerity of the first one! That sounds like me He said he waited a few weeks before proposing again and I accepted. I don't remember either time (I have a health problem that has sporadically erased some of my memories) There are two types of people out there. Those who like to be surprised by a ring, and those who prefer to pick out their own. Maybe she would rather choose her own ring. I did. I don't like surprises in my life. I need to know what is going on - especially in a relationship/marriage. She may be the same way and you two just need to work on your communication. Also, don't worry about the work schedules - those are always subject to change over the years anyway. When my husband and I were first married we each worked 12-hour shifts--opposit of each other. We left each other notes but seldom saw each other during the work week, but on the one day off we both had - we made the time count and spent good quality time together. We did this for several years until we both found other jobs with other hours, but we still work to make our time together good quality time, and now we sometimes take a break from each other! If you are feeling a little insecure (this is normal too - we all feel like this sometimes) and don't want to call her - maybe you can call her parents or a friend of hers and just inquire if she is alright. Don't ask them to have her call you or anything. At least you will know if she's okay. I would reccomend waiting a while longer before you do this - at least a week anyway. It is subject to backfire so think about this approach well before you do it. How will she take it if she is told that you called someone? Will she be angry or feel like she's being pressured? Take it as a positive sign that she is seriously thinking about the relationship and acting in a mature way. Even if the relationship slows down now that doesn't mean it can't or won't come back stronger than ever later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted October 31, 2002 Share Posted October 31, 2002 The thing you need to remember, is how you might have felt at 22. Yes, she may love you, but sometimes we have to think about whats more important to us....living our life...or getting married. Getting married will abrupt her ability to do what she probably has a natural desire to do. Just don't go fast...period. Dont let her pressure you, and don't pressure her. Its best to get past the "euphoric" stage, before making a commitment. I was married at 21...sepreated at 22 and divorced by 23. Link to post Share on other sites
Author low-fat-al Posted November 6, 2002 Author Share Posted November 6, 2002 I haven't talked to her in a weeks time. The question I have is how long do I wait til I call her and ask what the deal is, and how do I ask? (I mean what wording.) I mainly want to know is the time off a somewhat a deciding time for the relationship. I am in the dark and feel abandoned and I miss her so much. LOW-FAT-AL Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 6, 2002 Share Posted November 6, 2002 I would just wait for her to contact you. I know that for ME, that has made the world of difference. If you give her a chance to sort out her feelings, then you'll be able to see. But it isn't fair to force the issue, when she isn't ready to talk about it. That's why I say, let her come to you. She probably already knows she can call you anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author low-fat-al Posted November 6, 2002 Author Share Posted November 6, 2002 thanks for the reply,... I planned to wait, but he holidays around the corner I think it will be weird and sad to not have any contact with her during that time. That is only if I haven't heard from her yet. I am sure it normal for me to feel sort of alone and in the dark but I can't seem to stop thinking about her. It has been one the most trying times I have ever dealt with in any relationship I have ever been in. Maybe because I know that in my heart she is the one for me. I know she feels the same as well... until recently anyways. low-fat-al Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 7, 2002 Share Posted November 7, 2002 But, I think she'll probably call before the Holidays...we're talkin like a month from now. And if she doesn't contact you by then, maybe she isn't worth worrying over at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author low-fat-al Posted November 8, 2002 Author Share Posted November 8, 2002 well she e-mailed me today and then I talked to her. It is over... She basically said she has things she is dealing with and be alone is most likely best for her. I loved her and wanted to be with her the rest of my life and now I can't. It is another sad love story that I had to experience. that is all. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted November 9, 2002 Share Posted November 9, 2002 it obviously wasn't meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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