Letter from W

[frannie]

So if I am hearing you all correctly...its wrong for the BS to tell off the OW?

 

Karma is a b!itch isn't it?

 

I don't think you can be hearing people correctly.

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse it's not wrong! The BS has every right to want to send off a letter or even call the OW. Only thing she has no right to do is smack the OW. Anything else I think, is fair game.

[Audero]

So if I am hearing you all correctly...its wrong for the BS to tell off the OW?

Apparently not. Reading comprehension is a good thingy.

[Blue Phoenix]

I think maybe crumb is hurt and bitter and strikeing out at the people he thinks are to blame for his situation. I dont think he can read what any one here says with a open mind. But realy theres no point to it your not going to change anything people will go on and have affairs reguardless of who thinks its right or wrong..

[Blue Phoenix]

--"So if I am hearing you all correctly...its wrong for the BS to tell off the OW?"-- I dont rember any one saying that maybe im mistaken??

 

--"Karma is a b!itch isn't it?"-- Yeep but just rember that karma that your talking about goes bouth ways!! Be hatefull and harsh to others and it comes right back to you!! Some times I dont belive people fully understand karma before they go tossing it around..

[riobikini]

Ladies, I know this forum is set up just as the LS description header reads, " The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" -yet, I am always hearing the very same (*exact*, in some cases) story about how it winds up with these kinds of relationships.

 

They suffer the stigma of stereotype, to begin with -then they're coddled to death with soothing words of "wisdom" and strong support (sometimes the "supporter" has personally experienced the same type of dilema, sometimes, not).

 

About half-way or nearer to the end of each past thread from year after year, here (I've read them for hours, studying them) the other woman -no matter how bright she may be, nor trusting, no mater how much she confesses she loves the married man involved in the affair- comes to this awful, sickening, point, either abruptly, or very slowly, where she learns that #1- affairs are simply wrong, #2- that affairs are wrong for a *reason*, #3- that the "reasons" affairs are wrong is because they hurt people, and #4- that they hurt people because that's just what wrongdoing is *designed* to acheive.

 

Looking back through the threads from years back, though, I can see that many a poster has come away from this board changed, and with the ability to start fresh, and with a personal vow of commitment to never *lower* herself to enter into such circumstances as are often discussed here.

 

I disagree with the wording chosen by the forum header -the part that conveys the thought that anyone *finds* themselves in such a dilema.

 

I strongly believe that, young or old, married or unmarried, experienced or inexperienced -unless there's a mental impariment or deficiency, *everyone* *knows* when they first commit to a known wrong.

 

It's just getting to the point where we can no longer hide from the truths that we know that releases us from circumstances that often destroy much more in our lives (and in others') than any good they ever promise.

 

Just thoughts to ponder.

 

-Rio

[Salicious Crumb]

Apparently not. Reading comprehension is a good thingy.

 

here is just one of them...I'm not going back and quoting all the people that don't think its right for the BS to tell off the OP.

 

"Yes the W has the right to have a discussion or two with the OW. But I do not agree that she has every right to spit venom at her."

 

In this case a discussion is not telling them off...the spitting venom part would be.

[lindya]

You are right, I dont know what I feel and who I am. I am swinging between anger at him (but not her) and confusion, and yes, I am scared, and yes I want to hurt him as he is now hurting me. He told me they never had sex, and he was preparing himself to leave. I swallowed those lies because I loved him.

 

I am glad it ended this way, so I wont be pining for him, and wondering what if. If she does come here, I wont tell her anything. I have a feeling she has said her piece. I dont pretend to be blamesless. I am not proud of the one time we stopped by his house to get something, and he asked me to come in, and then persuaded me to go to their bedroom. He got more of a kick out of it than I did. I hate myself and him right now.

 

 

I think if you focus on stopping hating and starting to forgive yourself for all this, then the angry feelings towards him will also begin to die away without you having to put much effort into it. Often when we have really strong anger towards other people it's related to not being able to forgive ourselves for having got involved with them - but the fact is that people make mistakes all the time, especially in matters of the heart.

 

Taking responsibility is not the same as hating yourself or forever beating yourself up for a mistake. It's more about saying "I chose to do X, it didn't work out for me. That's not a choice I'll make again, but in order for it all to actually mean anything I have to figure out what it's it taught me about myself and the kinds of things that could actually bring me long term feelings of happiness and security.

 

Not that you sit down for 5 minutes, say that to yourself then spend another 5 minutes figuring out the solution to everything before bouncing back into action. It's generally far more of a struggle than that. Feeling positive one day, getting angry or downhearted the next...but that doesn't mean you can't identify a goal right this instant. You can - and that goal should be to have some level of control over your own happiness rather than remaining convinced that it lies in the hands of other people (eg the MM).

 

Horrible as you might be feeling right now, the recovery process you're about to go through could eventually turn you into a stronger person than you ever imagined being.

[riobikini]

Meant to add the emboldened statement as an important afterthought.-was unable to edit.

 

 

"I disagree with the wording chosen by the forum header -the part that conveys the thought that anyone *finds* themselves in such a dilema.

 

An affair is *chosen* -not "found".

 

I strongly believe that, young or old, married or unmarried, experienced or inexperienced -unless there's a mental impariment or deficiency, *everyone* *knows* when they first commit to a known wrong.

 

It's just getting to the point where we can no longer hide from the truths that we know that releases us from circumstances that often destroy much more in our lives (and in others') than any good they ever promise.

 

Just thoughts to ponder."

 

-Rio

[Audero]

here is just one of them...I'm not going back and quoting all the people that don't think its right for the BS to tell off the OP.

 

"Yes the W has the right to have a discussion or two with the OW. But I do not agree that she has every right to spit venom at her."

 

In this case a discussion is not telling them off...the spitting venom part would be.

 

You said "all" of us had a problem with the W telling off the OW. I was simply pointing out, that I, for one, didn't.

[Audero]

Meant to add the emboldened statement as an important afterthought.-was unable to edit.

 

 

"I disagree with the wording chosen by the forum header -the part that conveys the thought that anyone *finds* themselves in such a dilema.

 

An affair is *chosen* -not "found".

 

I strongly believe that, young or old, married or unmarried, experienced or inexperienced -unless there's a mental impariment or deficiency, *everyone* *knows* when they first commit to a known wrong.

 

It's just getting to the point where we can no longer hide from the truths that we know that releases us from circumstances that often destroy much more in our lives (and in others') than any good they ever promise.

 

Just thoughts to ponder."

 

-Rio

In certain circumstances, yes, people chose to be in an A. Some of us did, indeed, find ourselves in one, as we were lied to from day one, and had no knowledge until later.

[Salicious Crumb]

You said "all" of us had a problem with the W telling off the OW. I was simply pointing out, that I, for one, didn't.

 

Then that is where I apologize....let me qualify the statement...all of you who think that way.

[Audero]

Then that is where I apologize....let me qualify the statement...all of you who think that way.

Thank you. While I understand you have been hurt in the past, that is no reason to come here and attack people who are in situations similar to what you went through.

 

Women, or men, who set out to cheat are one thing. Many of us truly had no idea going into the relationship, because we were lied to. That's what cheaters do. They lie to their spouses, and they lie to us. When you are lied to, fall in love, and later find out the one you love is married, or not getting divorced, etc, it hurts. I just wish there was not such a generalization about OW. A lot of the stereotypes don't fit all of us.

[Salicious Crumb]

Thank you. While I understand you have been hurt in the past, that is no reason to come here and attack people who are in situations similar to what you went through.

 

Women, or men, who set out to cheat are one thing. Many of us truly had no idea going into the relationship, because we were lied to. That's what cheaters do. They lie to their spouses, and they lie to us. When you are lied to, fall in love, and later find out the one you love is married, or not getting divorced, etc, it hurts. I just wish there was not such a generalization about OW. A lot of the stereotypes don't fit all of us.

 

I know its hard to read all posts from all people...but I have posted before that if you find yourself in that situation where you have been lied to....I truly sympathize.

 

The problem I have is with people KNOWINGLY sleeping with someones spouse without any regard to the lives they are helping to destroy or the homes they are wrecking.

 

Yes, the MM/MW is the most to blame...but the thing that got my blood boiling isn't some of the OM/OW simply coming here to tell there stories...but some actually wanted advice on HOW TO KEEP THE AFFAIR GOING!!!

 

That is what I have a problem with...not the people that found themselves unknowingly bedding down someone elses spouse.

[Audero]

I know its hard to read all posts from all people...but I have posted before that if you find yourself in that situation where you have been lied to....I truly sympathize.

 

The problem I have is with people KNOWINGLY sleeping with someones spouse without any regard to the lives they are helping to destroy or the homes they are wrecking.

 

Yes, the MM/MW is the most to blame...but the thing that got my blood boiling isn't some of the OM/OW simply coming here to tell there stories...but some actually wanted advice on HOW TO KEEP THE AFFAIR GOING!!!

 

That is what I have a problem with...not the people that found themselves unknowingly bedding down someone elses spouse.

Fair enough. And, FWIW, I don't understand why some people choose to get involved with a M person who is not divorcing, etc.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Audero: " In certain circumstances, yes, people chose to be in an A. Some of us did, indeed, find ourselves in one, as we were lied to from day one, and had no knowledge until later."

 

 

When the point came where "later" happened -it offered an opportunity, a pivotal point of change.

 

Like our beloved, and prolific BellaBabyGirl -who clung desperately for weeks here before the truth came to light, claiming she just simply did not know the man she was sleeping with was married -I close only with a half-hearted smile and the disbelief that truly intelligent, educated and instinctive women do not know the marital status of their loosely-termed partner well *before* the love sets in.

 

 

-Rio

[Audero]

Like our beloved, and prolific BellaBabyGirl -who clung desperately for weeks here before the truth came to light, claiming she just simply did not know the man she was sleeping with was married -I close only with a half-hearted smile and the disbelief that truly intelligent, educated and instinctive women do not know the marital status of their loosely-termed partner well *before* the love sets in.

 

-Rio

 

 

Considering my ex lived 3 states away, and was flying back to see me, yeah, you would be wrong.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Audero: " ...my ex lived 3 states away, and was flying back to see me.."

 

These would have been viewed as clues by anyone not already willing to ignore what might lie ahead.

 

-Rio

[Audero]

re:

 

 

 

These would have been viewed as clues by anyone not already willing to ignore what might lie ahead.

 

-Rio

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion.

[Babybird]

re:

These would have been viewed as clues by anyone not already willing to ignore what might lie ahead.

 

-Rio

 

Why would that be a clue? Sounds like a long-distance R to me.

 

 

 

SC: I agree that the BW had every reason, right, and justification for telling the OW off. If my MM W finds out I expect to be thoroughly told off. I might not like it but I expect it.

[puddleofmud]

That was one person, not all: and it is possible for one to not know that ones' partner is married when one is well educated, street smart and quite savvy, not to mention MATURE.

 

re:

 

When the point came where "later" happened -it offered an opportunity, a pivotal point of change.

 

Like our beloved, and prolific BellaBabyGirl -who clung desperately for weeks here before the truth came to light, claiming she just simply did not know the man she was sleeping with was married -I close only with a half-hearted smile and the disbelief that truly intelligent, educated and instinctive women do not know the marital status of their loosely-termed partner well *before* the love sets in.

 

 

-Rio

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I agree with Rio, even if the MM lied, when the truth is discovered that he is married, why carry on with someone who has lied? Or has it was passed the point of no return that the feelings are too attached to remove yourself from the situation?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Ladies, I know this forum is set up just as the LS description header reads, " The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" -yet, I am always hearing the very same (*exact*, in some cases) story about how it winds up with these kinds of relationships.

 

They suffer the stigma of stereotype, to begin with -then they're coddled to death with soothing words of "wisdom" and strong support (sometimes the "supporter" has personally experienced the same type of dilema, sometimes, not).

 

About half-way or nearer to the end of each past thread from year after year, here (I've read them for hours, studying them) the other woman -no matter how bright she may be, nor trusting, no mater how much she confesses she loves the married man involved in the affair- comes to this awful, sickening, point, either abruptly, or very slowly, where she learns that #1- affairs are simply wrong, #2- that affairs are wrong for a *reason*, #3- that the "reasons" affairs are wrong is because they hurt people, and #4- that they hurt people because that's just what wrongdoing is *designed* to acheive.

 

Looking back through the threads from years back, though, I can see that many a poster has come away from this board changed, and with the ability to start fresh, and with a personal vow of commitment to never *lower* herself to enter into such circumstances as are often discussed here.

 

I disagree with the wording chosen by the forum header -the part that conveys the thought that anyone *finds* themselves in such a dilema.

 

I strongly believe that, young or old, married or unmarried, experienced or inexperienced -unless there's a mental impariment or deficiency, *everyone* *knows* when they first commit to a known wrong.

 

It's just getting to the point where we can no longer hide from the truths that we know that releases us from circumstances that often destroy much more in our lives (and in others') than any good they ever promise.

 

Just thoughts to ponder.

 

-Rio

 

Finally.

 

I have been thinking this same exact thing for years too.

 

Its the same thing every week....new threads about some OW and her MM.

 

Its not until the brutal truth smacks ya in the face that you FINALLY understand the whole affair is just plain wrong.

 

But I guess you have to go thru the process to get to that understanding. I really feel sorry for anyone involved in an A....being a BS...I know it suxed from this side.

 

really Rio...this would be a great topic....but the sharks might come out...

[silktricks]

Finally.

 

Its not until the brutal truth smacks ya in the face that you FINALLY understand the whole affair is just plain wrong.

 

Unfortunately, altogether too many don't EVER realize that it's wrong. Many women simply, and conveniently, blame everything elsewhere (the man) never looking at their own actions as being part of the problem and part of the pain.

 

But I guess you have to go thru the process to get to that understanding. I really feel sorry for anyone involved in an A....being a BS...I know it suxed from this side.

 

really Rio...this would be a great topic....but the sharks might come out...

It would be a GREAT topic!! regardless of sharks.

[Blue Phoenix]

--"It would be a GREAT topic!! regardless of sharks"-- I realy think the name calling has to end on bouth sides no?? Were is it getting every one no weres!! This one calles that one a name then they go back at them in reltalliation common people smarten up.. Respect is given when its gotten least thats how it should be..