broke 40 days no contact

[missmebaby]

i was 40 days into no contact with my ex boyfriend and i blew it. i called him up thinking i would be ok talking to him, and i just wanted to find out how he was doing and how his family is since i was practically closer to them than i was to my own family. him and i dated for a year, we've been broken up for 6 months now but its really more like we've been broken up for like 2 1/2 months because after we broke up we still talked on the phone everyday, hung out alot, and tried to get back together but it never ended up working out. basically he played me and used me until he found someone else. i was bitter about it for a long time, hence the no contact, but i figured maybe we could have a friendly conversation and not grow to be strangers. i loved him so much and i guess i still do and always will and i think it would be horrible to become strangers with someone i was so close to and shared so many things with. but i guess he doesnt feel the same.

 

i called him and he answered right away and at first he was nice and polite and asked me about myself, the first 5 minutes he was being really nice making conversation and things were going good. but as soon as i tried to be polite and ask him how him and his gf were doing and i asked a few things about her, he jumps down my throat saying "why do you care? i dont ask you about you and your boyfriend." the rest of the conversation didnt go so great either, he made a few sarcastic comments and never asked me anything about myself. i dont understand why he would treat me like that, i havent talked to him in over a month, you think he would at least have wondered a little tiny bit about what ive been up to but i guess not. he didnt even seem like he wanted to be friends or cared about me at all. i guess i just need to let it go, i just really wanted to at least stay in touch with the guy that i cared about more than i ever cared about anyone and the one guy ill never forget. i was so close to his family, it was like i was one of them. but he has this new girl and i guess hes totally over me and doesnt care whether he ever talks to me again. i find that so hard to believe but i guess some people are just like that. they can forget about someone they were totally in love with and spent a great period of time with.

 

i just dont understand because when me and him first started dating he had literally JUST gotten out of a year long relationship and his ex went psycho calling him all the time and threatening me, etc. but alot of the time he talked to her on the phone and told her things about me. he swears he never had any feelings for her and he called her psycho and stuff but he still talked to her like they were friends. me and him had a better relationship than they ever did, he cared about me more, loved me more, and i wasnt psycho like her at all when we broke up. but he wont talk to me the way he talked to her after they broke up, and he wont tell me anything, instead he just gets defensive. i dont understand why he talked to her and acted like he wanted to be friends with her but not me.

i cant think of any other reason why he could be so rude to me and not even ask about me, other than he doesnt care about me at all anymore. i have a new boyfriend that ive been with for about 2 months and i love him and hes great to me, but for some reason my ex is in the back of my mind sometimes and its so frustrating. theres that one person that you will never get over and i think hes going to be that guy.

[MotherGooze]

You have a new boyfriend now. Maybe it hurts him knowing that you have? Why are you together wioth your new boyfriend anyway if you still have feelings for your ex and you can't seem to forget him.

[shockandawed]

Missme,

 

It is clearly obvious that your ex is no where near over you or has forgotten you. In fact, just the opposite. It bothers him to hear about your boyfriend and he is uncomfortable discussing any relationship he has with you. I know that from experience. My ex and I chatted about a week ago, she was asking me questions about my dating life, I had no desire to know about hers. There is absolutely no way we can just be friends.

 

You can't be friends until you both are over each other, if ever. It doesn't sound like either of you are, but you are both in new relationships. If you are going to make them work, then you will have to stay with complete NC for quite awhile.

[alasia]

It is clearly obvious that your ex is no where near over you or has forgotten you. In fact, just the opposite. It bothers him to hear about your boyfriend and he is uncomfortable discussing any relationship he has with you. I know that from experience. My ex and I chatted about a week ago, she was asking me questions about my dating life, I had no desire to know about hers. There is absolutely no way we can just be friends.

 

Sorry but I disagree; I asked my ex recently whether he was seeing anyone else yet and he said whether or not he's seeing someone is none of my business (which is true). On Sunday night I stayed at his place and one minute he was saying he was fine with me seeing another guy (I mentioned I was going out with someone on saturday, just as friends) and the next he said he was bothered by it.

He also hates to hear me talking about sleeping with other men (sometimes say it to wind him up) and told his friends on Sunday afternoon that I was seeing another one of my exes now.

 

None of this means he's not over me or still has feelings; if I'm not there he doesn't think about me.

 

After 40 days NC maybe it just freaked the OP's ex out a bit to hear form her all of a sudden?

 

He may be over her, but maybe genuinely feels like his lovelife is his business, not hers?

[the_total_package]

go back to NC and just forget him. I totally disagree with shocked...this guy is totally over you and just wants you to leave him alone. Also, he cheated on you and a guy who is really into you doesn't cheat on you. It was over for him when he cheated on you.

Also, never ask an ex how it's going with his dating life. Frankly that is none of your business. I had kept communicating via friendly emails with an ex, a couple months after the breakup he asked "So are you dating anyone?" in the email. Also he asked what are you doing this weekend? To me, those are really intrusive questions and I got really annoyed and it turned me OFF.

I suggest you get counseling because there is no protocol for this guy to act, he has already told you he doesn't want to see you and has cheated on you before that, he doesn't love you, what does it matter he talked to his ex on the phone when he was seeing you? Plus he sounds like a completely rude guy because if a guy spent time talking to an ex in front of me, I'd be out the door.....for good... I would expect a guy who respected me as a girlfriend and really cared to say 'I can't talk, good bye' or not even pick up the phone while I was there.

Don't let other posters on here tell you 'oh he's definitely not over you' because he got annoyed when you were asking about his girlfriend, it wasn't that at all, he's just completely annoyed with you and doesn't want to give you the time of day because he has no feelings for you.

PLEASE just focus on NC forever, forget this guy, PLEASE, you don't have a chance, it will never work.

AND get the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' and 'It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.' These books really helped me in that I didn't spend time analyzing men's behavior and pining over an ex who had dumped me and made it clear he wasn't really into me anyway.

Also you are spending so much time deliberating his behavior, I hope it is not affecting your everyday activities. Your post suggests this, an unhealthy obsession with your ex. I would suggest you get counseling, also, if it's possible.

[missmebaby]

well i disagree with saying that hes totally annoyed with me. he answered his phone right away instead of ignoring my call. he has always answered my calls or called me back ever since we broke up. and at first i asked him if he was busy, and he said no, i can talk. plus our conversation was going really good except for the parts where i asked him about his girlfriend. other than that he was asking me how my family was, and told me about his accident he had that sent him to the emergency room at the hospital i work at and asked me if i was there that night. there was even a few periods of awkward silence where he had the opportunity to get off the phone but he didnt. instead i ended the call and said ill talk to you sometime and he said ok.

 

im sure he only cheated on me once with his ex. me and him were always together and he was crazy about me for the first 4 months and then about 5 months after he cheated on me. whenever she called when i was around he didnt answer, and alot of the times when i wasnt around he wouldnt answer her calls. im sure he wasnt encouraging her to call because many of the text messages she sent and the voicemails she left were of her yelling at him for ignoring her calls, and yelling at him for being mean to her, and many were of her making fun of him such as saying he was fat and ugly and she never loved him anyway.

 

yes he cheated on me and lied to me alot and i shouldnt want to be friends with him, but it doesnt hide the fact that i was with him for a year of my life and i had the most fun with him that ive ever had and i loved his family to death. i dont want to lose contact with someone that was so important in my life and someone i made the best memories ever with. its like trying to pretend that part of my life never existed. i guess i just wish he felt the same way. with him acting the way he did last night it makes me feel like i never meant anything to him and our relationship was all a lie.

[shockandawed]

Missme,

 

I agree, he is not annoyed with you, simply uncomfortable discussing his love life with you, as he should be. The fact is the rest of the conversation confirms this. You two are nowhere near over each other. Because of that, you can't be friends now. I know well from experience.

 

I understand the feeling of not wanting to "waste" that period of your life. I feel the same way about the last 2.5 years. Someday, maybe the two of you can be friends, but not now. You both need to heal. Do you really want to know the details of his new relationship?

 

You said you are in a new relationship, and it greatly upset you that when you were with your ex, he maintained contact with his ex. Don't do this to your new guy. Stay N/C for now, and give your full attention to your new relationship. If you can't do that, it's not fair to be in one.

[the_total_package]

try not to spend anymore time deliberating about this guy. Guys will answer and stay on the phone with someone to be polite, that's it. Obviously he hasn't had a desire to talk with you at all since he broke up with you because it sounds like he's not calling you, you're initiating the contact with him.

Yes, you're feeling like you had all these feelings and spent a year with him but bottom line...he doesn't owe you contact, he ended the relationship. People have been broken up a lot longer than that, then broken up, when a guy breaks up with you he is saying "I don't want to see you and I don't want contact." That's just the way it is, he has moved on. Do you want to keep calling and contacting a guy who pretty much wants nothing to do with you and only stays on the phone to be polite? Doesn't sound fun to me. Plus I have never been cheated on, but I can safely say it would be over if a guy cheated on me with an ex, even once. He was clearly demonstrating he didn't care about you very much when he did that and I can safely say that he doesn't care about you at all now. Sorry, please move on with your life and stop torturing yourself with all these thoughts about maintaining contact with him.

[alasia]

Sorry, but I agree with TTP.

 

I was/am feeling the same as you; my ex split up with me (although after only 5 months) and I've spent the past 6 weeks contacting him, thinking that his politeness (he'd answer my calls 9 times out of 10 and would chat happily about what he'd been up to that day, like we were best friends) meant he stil had feelings, when really he was just being nice and probably felt sorry for me (because I was contacting him so much, it seemed like I couldn't let go).

 

I'd read too much into everything just like you're doing, and it was all because I was desperate not to lose him from my life.

 

I really loved him and thought that having him as a friend - or even casual aquaintance - would be better than nothing at all.

 

Truth is, keeping in touch with him was just driving him further away and stopping me from healing - in fact I only realised this today; we slept together on Sunday and I took that (and the fact he was really affectionate towards me) as a sign he still had feelings.

He even said he still had some feelings towards me, but then today I found out he just pitied me, and that's why he let me stay over.

 

Go NC with this guy, try to move on and if he does care about you, he'll come back and start contacting you. Don't sit there waiting to come back though because he probably won't.

 

Trying to stay friends with someone you love (d) seems like a great idea, but both parties have to want it.

If one doesn't then it will never work - do you really want your ex to agree to stay friends with you, but only be doing it because he feels sorry for you or was guilted into it?