GF cheated on me!!!

[olimits7]

Here’s a little about my current situation. My GF and I are both 26 years old now. We’ve been going out approx. 3 years. And around the 2 years & 3 months mark into our relationship I decided it would be a good idea for us to take a break from each other.

 

We were both reaching that marriage stage in our life and I just wanted to be sure that I was ready for this next big step. I’m not going to lie but I’m nervous about marriage because it’s the rest of my life with this person; so I just wanted to be sure.

 

We had our occasional fights just like every other relationship does. Most of our fights always came back to this one thing. I don’t like to show emotion or say “I love you” all the time and be very affectionate. That wasn’t how I was raised so it’s hard for me to show love that way; my family is the same way. So her side of these discussions is that she wanted to know that she was a priority to me and that I choose her and I’m not settling for her. In my eyes she was a priority to me and I did choose her; I wasn’t settling. She said it was hard for her to see this since I don’t always show it.

 

This is what led me to decide it was time for a break after so many conversations about the same topic I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to see if time apart is what we both needed. She did a lot a crying and at first she didn’t understand why I was doing this. The break lasted for about 3 months. We still saw each other occasionally to meet up for dinner and talk, but on the weekends we didn’t hang out with each other. I thought the break was good for us; we started to understand each other, and saw how we do miss each other. When we finally decided to get back together and give this another shot. At the beginning things were going fine, but then she told me that she felt resentment towards me. She said she went on the break because that’s what I needed but she said she never wanted it; this was all on me and what I wanted only. She said there were night were she would just cry because she didn’t understand. She also felt resentment because she thought I was settling for her.

 

I would sometimes hang out with my friend’s maybe 1 day on the weekend, and the other day with her, and I would see her a couple days during the week too sometimes. During the beginning of our relationship she was always down to go out with my friends and their girlfriend’s, but towards the end of the relationship she changed. She started saying I just want to stay in tonight, I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and I don’t like to go out all the time anymore. However, I compromised with her by staying in sometimes with her and going out without her sometimes because she told me it’s alright to go out without her. She would also go out sometimes but it seemed like she really wanted to almost like I was making her go out. Sometimes we wouldn’t even hang out with each other that long when I stayed in with her; she would fall asleep so early and then I’m sitting there watching TV by myself. I like to go out and I think we are still young enough to do this. Sometimes she acts like she’s an old lady already; I’m tired, sleepy, just want to stay in tonight, I don’t want to drink tonight.

 

The thing that kills me is that when she goes out with her friends she stays out all night, drinks, has a good time, and never complains to them about getting home early. I don’t know if this is because she didn’t know if I thought she was a priority or I was settling for her that made her act this way around me.

 

She also brought up that I never showed her any commitment towards her that would make her think that this relationship was moving forward. But the only two options we could come up with that would show her I’m committed is either move in with her or get engaged. She also wanted to know some type of time frame, but I didn’t have an answer for her I just didn’t know when. I thought it would just happen naturally and let life take its course, but she said I can’t just sit around all the time I have to make a decision or have some type of idea. I agree with her on this, but I just didn’t have an answer for her.

 

The whole reason for the break and me having doubts in our relationship is I just want to be sure I’m making the right decision because this will affect the rest of my life. I rather clear up all my doubts now than to go through this 10 years down the road when we are married and have children.

 

Anyway, now onto the cheating. For the past 2 weeks I’ve been staying at her apartment because my house was having construction done and I couldn’t stay there. The first couple of days were fine, we got along, and it was fun being around each other. But then later in the week all we would do is talk about my commitment towards her, how she felt I was settling for her because all my friends don’t go out anymore and just hang out with their girlfriends, and how it took my friends to get girlfriends for me to put her as a priority. She had a lot of resentment towards me.

 

So this past Saturday we decided to take the night off and just go out with our friends since we’ve been spending so much time together. She went out with her friend that was seeing some guy and a couple of this guy’s friends. Anyway, she ended up going home with one of the guy’s friend and she slept with him.

 

I had her password to her myspace account and the next day I saw some messages to her friend talking about how “one night stands were fun”, and “it was amazing to have sex with no emotional attachment”. She also said “but remember technically I still have a boyfriend. LOL”. I know it’s not right to check her messages, but I was getting suspicious about her and I have to look out for myself in the end. Every time I read those words it makes my stomach turn.

 

I confronted her about this and she denied at first, of course, she finally got me in tears and I told her I saw the messages and she finally admitted she did do it. She felt bad and started crying; I couldn’t even look at her or have her touch me. I felt disgusted she would do this and I didn’t even want to tell anybody because I feel embarrassed for her as well as myself. She just kept saying I’m sorry. She told me she poured her heart out for me for years and all she ever wanted was me to want her like she wanted me. And I told her I had doubts that I needed to clear up. I never cheated on her because this is something I think that could ruin a relationship. She always said if I wanted to end our relationship all I had to do is sleep with a girl. I never did, but I can’t understand why she did this to me.

 

I was never very emotional towards her but I always was there for her if she needed anything; money, a favor, anything that I can do I was there. This is what was easy for me to show her that I cared. Saying I love you and being cute and cuddly is not who I am.

 

I’m afraid to tell my friends because I know they will tell me I’m an idiot if I try staying with her. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if I can look at her anymore and try to make this work or just tell my friends for some comfort and leave her.

 

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to walk away from her. In a way I can see that how I acted by not putting her as a priority, not showing long term commitment towards her, or wanting her as much as she wanted me could have drove her to do this. But should I take some blame for this?? I told her that after all we’ve been through I would never have done this to her, and I don’t get why she did this to me.

 

I had for the most part a normal upbringing my parents still are together and everyone in my family gets along fine. Her family is a lot different and she has her own issues. She tells me she cries some days and she doesn’t even know why she is crying. Her real dad died over drugs. And she told me that I deserve better than her. She said that her life is all messed up and nothing ever goes right in her life. She always has thoughts racing through her head and she can’t stop thinking about them. She has gone to therapists before and she said they just didn’t help her. She said it’s hard for her to see herself in a positive way; she has no confidence. She said her mom is the same way as her and that she hid this from me for as long as she could but in the end no body can ever love her because the way she is. She hates how her life is and says she just wants to be normal.

 

When she gets like this and starts crying I just give her the space she needs until she gets over this. She has such a good heart and I think this is what kept me here for so long even after all we’ve been through. I think this is what makes it so hard for me to walk away. She deserves to have a good happy life and for someone to love her the way she loves so many (friends & family & me). She just needs help controlling the racing thoughts in her head, see positive in herself, and stop crying for no apparent reason.

 

I told her she has to look and do some research online to find someone who could really help her and not to give up. I tell her all the good in her life and how her life is just like everyone else’s. She just has a hard time seeing it herself. I’m not a therapist so there is only so much I can say to help her. I think with a professional she can find happiness within herself.

 

If anybody has any recommendations on someone in the NJ/NY area it will be greatly appreciated.

 

But when she’s happy, smiling, and telling me how good her day was. I love seeing her in that light because I can see how she really is when so many people don’t understand her.

 

I don’t know if I’m staying here because I love her or that I feel bad for her and I don’t think she deserves to live a life by herself.

 

These were some of the doubts I had with her and why I’ve been hesitant moving the relationship forward. Some of the questions that run through my mind are will she be a good mother? Will I be able to deal with this for the rest of my life? Will she get better? Will our children have the same issues she has? Is this how I really want my life to be.

 

Sorry for the long post, but any input would be appreciated.

 

Thank you,

 

olimits7

[Cecelius]

Please insert all of the "dump her, dude" posts that you've read here.

 

Your g/f is insecure, an attention w----, high maintence and disloyal. She showed you the warning signs for a long time -- when girls need that much reassurance about how you feel, you are inclined to feel that you don't give them enough -- the reality, as you have seen, is that they are sucking vortices of neediness, and if you aren't around to fill it, she'll take any other dude she can find.

 

Think of it this way: you weren't sure about the long term future before this happened -- how sure can you be from now on (keep in mind that in her head, this is your fault: if you hadn't insisted on the break, she wouldn't have been motivated to do this)? For the rest of your life, you would need to think about how much a-- kissing you will need to do to keep her from cheating on you.

 

You need to back WAY off. You ought to explain to her that what she did was disgusting, that in no event would you touch her for a minimum of 6 mos. (enough time to ensure no pregnancy and no diseases) and that you are disappointed in her character.

 

Or you could venture into the wide world with your pride and your testicles intact. What do you think the other dude is saying about you right now? This guy who is a friend of her friend (would you let that situation continue?)

 

Just walk away.

[Javelin]

Not worth your time.

[Sevenmack]

What are you waiting for? Dump her, take stock of yourself and your life and work on ways to not end up with a woman like her again. Whether or not she's got daddy issues is not your concern; she needs to work on those issues on here own. She's not worth your time.

[Salicious Crumb]

Oh dude..this one is too easy....take it from someone who didn't have the opportunity of knowing what you know before it was too late(finding out after getting married and having kids)

 

Since you are not married and don't have kids with this girl.....dump her. You are young and there are plenty of women out there that will be true to you.

 

You don't need this and deserve better. Its your call, but trust me...if you end up staying with this girl, you'll regret it.

 

Find someone who wants you and only you....you'll be better off and much happier.

[Bryanp]

She is total hypocrite. She tells you that if you wanted to end the relationship then all you needed to do was sleep with another girl and she then goes and sleeps with another man and expects to stay with you? She writes it is fun having a one night stand and but she still has a boyfriend (LOL). This shows total distain and disrespect for you and your relationship. She is playing you for a total fool. Don't be a fool. It is time to move on. Why would you wish to be with someone who laughs about having a boyfriend and saying how great it is to have a one night stand for pure sex behind her boyfriend's back? Enough is enough.