We disagree about drugs.

[milvushina]

Okay, this has to do with drugs but not addiction so I'm putting it here.

 

So, last night I got home from work and my husband asks me if I want to smoke a joint with coke in it. He used to do this pretty often, although it's been two years since I've seen him do it. I guess I just assumed that he wouldn't be doing it anymore after that much time. I'm not going to do this because I would just feel too bad, I feel like it's my job to be a good influence. It's possible that I am a little overzealous in discouraging him to use certain drugs because he was born with a heart condition. Right now he is healthy and everything, but one day it will have to be addressed with surgery.

 

Anyway, since I don't want to do this, he asks if I care if he does. He wants to know if I'm going to get mad. What am I supposed to say? I said, No, I wouldn't be mad, but I am not happy either. I told him I just wanted him to take care of himself. He wanted to know would I be disappointed. I said, Yes. After that he smoked the stuff without sharing the rest of his thought process. I am guessing that he just decided my concerns were unfounded so he dismissed them.

 

A little while later he starts wanting to talk to me about it and I said I didn't think there was any point. It's not like he was going to learn anything because I've told him all about my views before. He said that I don't realize how harmless it is. He is 30 years old so I can't exactly boss him around.

 

Now today I guess I still feel a little bummed out but I hate to make a bigger deal than I should so I'm venting here. I have a couple of questions. How harmless is this? It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't know if I trust his definition, ha ha. Also, am I a complete weirdo for smoking the herb like it's going out of style, and yet not even considering using addictive or dangerous drugs? Or for thinking that some drugs should not even be compared to others? In your opinion - which I do take with a grain of salt because you don't know me - do I seem to have too much of a hardline stance against drugs (uppers)?

 

I hate to think I am getting on my husband's nerves or making him think I am lame. But I also suspect he might agree with me deep down and just balks because he doesn't like hearing it. Sorry this was so long

 

thanks

[blind_otter]

I've used every drug under the sun, to excess in some cases, and I can honestly say that I agree with you. IMO herb is on a different level than cocaine or heroin or ecstasy, the drugs that I consider "hard" drugs. So no, you aren't a complete weirdo and there are others who, like me, through experience, have come to the same conclusions you have.

[polywog]

I feel the way Otter does, and I think herb should be legal, but you didn't say if your husband has ever had a coke addiction. I've never smoked pot with coke so I don't know what it does exactly, as far as becoming addictive (to coke). At any rate, coke and a heart conditions does not sound very wholesome. I might be worried if he got in the habit of doing it again, but I don't think you're weird.

[milvushina]

I've used every drug under the sun, to excess in some cases, and I can honestly say that I agree with you. IMO herb is on a different level than cocaine or heroin or ecstasy, the drugs that I consider "hard" drugs. So no, you aren't a complete weirdo and there are others who, like me, through experience, have come to the same conclusions you have.

 

I was kind of hoping you might have something to say.

 

It is kind of nice to feel validated because a lot of the time I tend to be insecure about my personal convictions. I normally stick to my guns when people say I'm being silly about stuff like that, but it's more going thru the motions than actually being confident about my decisions.

 

Do you think I handled it pretty well, or could I have done/said something more appropriate? I just pick my battles pretty wisely. I've already put my foot down firmly about methamphetamines and benzodiazepimes.

 

Although I am glad he wouldn't lie about it or hide it from me, it irritates on two counts 1) I feel like he led me to believe this sort of thing wouldn't happen and 2) it's a little insulting that he was basically trying to jog me into giving him approval. I specifically told him last night that he wasn't going to hear me say it's okay. And that's about all I had to say. I just feel like I've been mislead.....again. But again I have such a fear of coming across as controlling, that I really hate being put in positions like this.

[milvushina]

At any rate, coke and a heart conditions does not sound very wholesome.

 

No, not really One thing that it does, it makes the house smell so offensive even the dog vacates the area

 

I know he used to do it quite a bit. But not everyone gets addicted. I'm not worried about him starting a habit. It's more like he is hanging out in the gray area where it makes me nervous but not worth fighting about. I guess it hurts my feelings in a weird way. Or maybe it is just that unpleasant feeling of thinking you've established something and you won't have to deal with it again and then you find out you're wrong.

[polywog]

No, not really One thing that it does, it makes the house smell so offensive even the dog vacates the area

.

 

Well I hope he quits doing it for the poor pup's sake...

[mockeryjones]

I feel like it's my job to be a good influence.

don't take that job. it's thankless, painful, and all too often fruitless.

 

normally drug use in moderate doses would not concern me. but the fact that you answered his question about dissapointment in the affirmative and he still did it, imho, raises a big red flag. maybe he considered your concerns and maybe he didn't, maybe he decided that dissapointed was tolerable while mad was not, in any case the precedent has been set for him to use despite your expressed dissapointment.

 

I wonder why did he bother asking if he was going to do it anyway? in a way that is good since it means he doesn't still feels he doesn't have to hide his use. but still it seems odd that he would ask, recieve a negative response and then do it anyway.

 

that in and of itself doesn't mean much however. men will be men after all and sometimes we do decide that dissapointed is ok while mad isn't. it takes awhile for us to realize that mad goes away a hell of a lot faster than dissapointed.

 

if this is something he does once in a blue moon then it might just be easier to let it go than to dwell on it to no end. on the other hand if this is or becomes a pattern then you might want to consider adjusting the dynamics in the relationship.

 

 

He said that I don't realize how harmless it is

It's always harmless until it's not. If it's not something he does a lot then maybe he is using it responsibly and it's just not worth worrying about. but that's the trick, deciding how you well aligned your ideas on responsible use are with those of your spouse.

 

you have drawn your responsible use line at weed and that works for you. your husband has a boundary further along that particular spectrum. Have you spent any time discussing just how far out along that spectrum his ideas fall? Do his actions reflect those ideas? Has he done the research to really know what risks he is taking or is his claim of harmlessness just based on experience without other information sources?

 

It seems to me it might be a good idea for you to come to some mutual understanding regarding what constitutes responsible use and what you consider over the line. figure out if there is some common ground for understanding and creating mutually acceptable use patterns.

 

Also, am I a complete weirdo for smoking the herb like it's going out of style, and yet not even considering using addictive or dangerous drugs?

good lord no. After too much personal experience in this area i have to say that there is a world of difference between the two classes. herb is a completely different experience from any of the harder drugs. i just wish that I had had the intelligence to realize that when i was younger. these days i would probably still smoke up, and i probably wouldn't close the door to one more roll under very controlled circumstances, but beyond that, would never risk my mind like that again.

 

one more thing, where did he get the coke? hanging out with coke dealers isn't generally something i would consider hazardless. I mean it's one thing if it pops out at a party, but he had it in the house no?

[Ladyjane14]

You know, there are financial ramifications here as well. Not just the outlay of money on the drugs... but also the potential for ruination if he gets busted.

 

These days, depending on the charges... it can cost a small fortune to defend yourself, and in many states, personal property can be seized. If there are children in the home, then you're dealing with social services as well.

 

Drug use involves BOTH partners when you look at it like that. The risks he takes are NOT taken alone. If he gets in trouble, you're in it will you or 'nil you. It's unfair for your husband to make unilateral decisions that have the potential to damage BOTH of your futures.

[blind_otter]

I think you handled the situation as best you could, considering your options. But this is very much a situation that needs further discussion between the two of you.

 

LJ is right, although I lucked out with my exH when he went to federal prison for growing pot, I wasn't even questioned by the feds.

[mental_traveller]

Doesn't matter what his views are. By using hard drugs in the same residence as yourself, he's putting you at risk of spending 10-20 years in prison. A complete no-no even if you are totally in favour of drugs being legal.

[milvushina]

one more thing, where did he get the coke? hanging out with coke dealers isn't generally something i would consider hazardless. I mean it's one thing if it pops out at a party, but he had it in the house no?

 

That is a good question! It has been almost two years since any shady people like that have been around. He's a good guy and wants me to be safe. That little bit was given to him by a mutual friend of ours who just had it because of a special occassion, he doesn't even really use it. I'm sure he had no idea it would concern me.

 

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I never really felt like making a big deal out of it. But I guess we should talk about it, like you suggested, just to make sure we are on the same page. It's just a subject that makes him unusually snippy. Not that he has any drug problems now, but in the past he has, so he is sensitive about it. I guess it is hard to explain unless you just know what I mean.

 

Honestly, I was mostly worried from a health perspective. No, he does not do any research and he doesn't know anything about chemistry, neurotransmitters, etc. But probably I was being a little paranoid and this will not hurt him if it's infrequent. i still do not think I will be trying it, though.

 

But seriously thank you, that was helpful.

[sb129]

Yuck that weed-coke combo sounds disgusting! And wouldn't the effects just cancel eachother out?? Thats not my bag, weed just makes me puke these days.

 

I think you did the right thing. And I think that the posts on this thread were really helpful and insightful, instead of being morally crusading as they can sometimes be.

 

As long as your H isn't ramming it down your throat, putting you in danger, or getting addicted, and his work and responsibilities aren't affected, I think the odd "special occasion" thing is OK. The only thing that concerns me is his heart condition and coke- bad combo. Is he aware of the dangers coke can put on his cardiovascular system? Again, obviously regular use is worse.

[milvushina]

LadyJane - No, we don't have children. We want to in the not-so-distant future. We both feel really strongly that having anything illegal anywhere in house is basically unacceptable when we are completely responsible for someone else (child). I do realize his decisions affect me. mental traveller says something about this as well.

 

The chances are sooooo slim of something like that happening. But to be completely honest, yes that bothers me. I wouldn't risk getting him in trouble. But we look at things differently. To me, I risk a little and if for some reason I got caught I will pay the fine. Obviously we have different standards of what is too risky. I'm just trying not to be too uptight about it.

 

Blind Otter, can I ask you one more question? Or anyone else who wants to answer of course. It really would be beneficial to discuss this and make sure we are on the same page. What do you think you'd respond best to in the situation? I'm not angry or anything, so should I just tell him my concerns?

[blind_otter]

Blind Otter, can I ask you one more question? Or anyone else who wants to answer of course. It really would be beneficial to discuss this and make sure we are on the same page. What do you think you'd respond best to in the situation? I'm not angry or anything, so should I just tell him my concerns?

 

A direct conversation is what I would respond best to, but I am a rather direct person. Just make sure to use a lot of "I" statements to avoid putting him on the defensive. Make the situation about your perspective, rather than about what you think he needs to do. Make the conversation about sharing your individual perspectives and coming to a common ground that you both can agree to.

[sb129]

A direct conversation is what I would respond best to, but I am a rather direct person. Just make sure to use a lot of "I" statements to avoid putting him on the defensive. Make the situation about your perspective, rather than about what you think he needs to do. Make the conversation about sharing your individual perspectives and coming to a common ground that you both can agree to.

 

Good advice. I agree. Beating around the bush just builds resentment. Tell him your concerns.

 

Its better to start a conversation with "I feel like...." rather than "you make me feel" "or you this that etc".

If you guys have agreed that it will be good not to have anything illegal in the house when you have kids, its a good sign he will be willing to listen to you and negotiate.

[milvushina]

Is he aware of the dangers coke can put on his cardiovascular system?

 

Well...No he's not mentally retarded, if that's what you're asking

Seriously it seems like he should be more concerned than me.

 

I will share something else real quick. My husband's father died when my husband was a child and it contributed to him having a hard childhood and adolescence. His father was an alcoholic who died from a chronic, inherited liver disease. He was barely forty.

 

My husband was born very premature and had health problems because of this. Nothing outwardly is wrong with him. As an infant he had a heart surgery because the valve that connects his aorta to his heart was messed up. This has kept him out of the army. Also, he was scheduled to have another heart surgery about 4 or 5 years ago, but his surgeon was hesitant to do surgery on someone so young. He will have to have this done sometime between 30 and 40. He also had parts of his lungs removed.

 

Also, he is prescribed blood pressure medicine, which he doesn't take. His bp is normal but I guess his Dr. wanted it lower than normal. He didn't think that was a good idea, so he doesn't take it. So. I think that he has some fears of going early. And I definitely have fears of being widowed. BUT I thought this over before we got married and decided that's just life.

 

So it does frustrate me when this thing happened. On the other hand, I don't want to turn into a nag and start a bunch of problems.

[sb129]

Well...No he's not mentally retarded, if that's what you're asking

Seriously it seems like he should be more concerned than me.

 

I will share something else real quick. My husband's father died when my husband was a child and it contributed to him having a hard childhood and adolescence. His father was an alcoholic who died from a chronic, inherited liver disease. He was barely forty.

 

My husband was born very premature and had health problems because of this. Nothing outwardly is wrong with him. As an infant he had a heart surgery because the valve that connects his aorta to his heart was messed up. This has kept him out of the army. Also, he was scheduled to have another heart surgery about 4 or 5 years ago, but his surgeon was hesitant to do surgery on someone so young. He will have to have this done sometime between 30 and 40. He also had parts of his lungs removed.

 

Also, he is prescribed blood pressure medicine, which he doesn't take. His bp is normal but I guess his Dr. wanted it lower than normal. He didn't think that was a good idea, so he doesn't take it. So. I think that he has some fears of going early. And I definitely have fears of being widowed. BUT I thought this over before we got married and decided that's just life.

 

So it does frustrate me when this thing happened. On the other hand, I don't want to turn into a nag and start a bunch of problems.

 

!! I wasn't suggesting he was mentally retarded! But I do know people who have their head in the sand so to speak when it comes to drugs. A "it won't happen to me" kind of attitude.

I once knew a doctor who was the worst cokehead I have ever met! Go figure. Your H's CVS probs sound like he shouldn't be doing coke at all... I am not antidrugs at all, but this sounds kinda serious.

I totally get where you are coming from. I would be feeling the same- you are concerned and rightfully so, but you don't want to nag.

Again, you need to address the situation appealing to his better side.

 

I was going to suggest you say you are worried about his future health but.... hmm.,

Its a tough one.

I think absolute honesty is called for here. tell him you aren't antidrugs, but you love him, and you want him to be as healthy as possible, esp if you are going to have kids.

[sb129]

Also, the other posters said his decisions and actions do affect you, and this will be even more pertinent if you have children together. I think if he knew how upset this was making you he would be quite sympathetic.

[milvushina]

AWW, I just have to say, when I was about to type this he showed up at my office with a bunch of flowers and chocolate and a little gift box of girly stuff from a brand I really like.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to help, guys. The conversation pointers were just what I was asking for. I can do that! I'm very diplomatic.

[sb129]

Good Luck!!

He sounds like a good guy, sure it will be OK.

[michelangelo]

OK, without re-hammering the legal risks to the both of you for having coke in your life, your husband is risking his health by using coke.

 

If he is supposed to be lowering his blood pressure and using pot logic to not take his blood pressure medicine, why in blazes is he then taking cocaine? Cocaine increases blood pressure!

 

With his heart problems he should not be doing this.

[polywog]

Just FYI- when you decide to have kids, ask him to stop with the pot for a while because it really affects men's fertility. I've had friends who couldn't get pregnant until the husband stopped smoking for a few months.

[milvushina]

Just FYI- when you decide to have kids, ask him to stop with the pot for a while because it really affects men's fertility. I've had friends who couldn't get pregnant until the husband stopped smoking for a few months.

 

Yeah, I've heard that before too. I doubt it will be a problem 'cause we'll want to quit before we get pregnant anyway. In preparation for not doing it while I'm pregnant. I just don't want to give up everything fun right now. I already quit drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes. And my husband has kicked worse habits. I know that smoking pot is not great for your cardiovascular system either. But it's not as bad as stimulants or even cigarettes so I have to give him credit where he deserves it.

[sb129]

I think you guys will be fine. Enjoy your Valentines Day without stressing about this one.

[Ladywithafan]

I've tried smoking weed with coke years ago....certainly not my cup of tea...the coke burns right up; why bother?