Do you love your spouses more or less now vs. the wedding day?

[RecordProducer]

My husband and I have had problems lately, mostly related to my in-laws. I feel like I love him less than before. I am just disappointed in his personality and character. I wonder if this is normal and temporary or alarming. My criteria and expectations from my partner are big and very precise. When I see that only 50% of them have been met, I feel like I could have done better than that. How about you?

[whichwayisup]

I think his behaviour, and most of all your inlaws - How they've been towards you and how your H has handled it has HAD and IS affecting your love and trust in him now. If you took out all the crap that you've had to deal with since marrying him, the love and desire for him would still be there.

 

Is it possible that he just isn't the man who you thought he was when you fell inlove with him? Not that your expectations and needs are too much, but maybe all along he wasn't able to meet them because of who he is?

 

Would he go to counselling with you? Just wondering.

 

Nice to see you posting again RP. Hugs baby.

[Moose]

My husband and I have had problems lately, mostly related to my in-laws.

Well, I dunno how many times I've told you this, but your husband needs to divorce his family and cleave to his own.......

I feel like I love him less than before.

Understandable, but not grounds for divorce.

I am just disappointed in his personality and character.

One thing about us men, our character and personality change with time.

My criteria and expectations from my partner are big and very precise.

Obviously, you didn't spell out, "in-law competition", before you said, "I do".

When I see that only 50% of them have been met, I feel like I could have done better than that. How about you?

Well, I know I could've done better, but I chose not to and accept my wife for who and what she is. I'm not getting any physical affection at all from her lately, so she definitely isn't at 100%, and I doubt she ever will be. There isn't anything I can do about that now. I promised her that I'm in this for the long haul, till death do we part. I won't be the one to re-nig on this.....

[TYASAFAHICSI]

Not sure what to say RP---I think counseling might help! SOrry to hear the in law situation is still rearing it's ugly head!

 

Hugs--likeWWIU saud

[RecordProducer]

Is it possible that he just isn't the man who you thought he was when you fell inlove with him? Not that your expectations and needs are too much, but maybe all along he wasn't able to meet them because of who he is?

That's what I'm afraid of.

 

Would he go to counselling with you? Just wondering.

No way, he doesn't want to hear about it. He says he is right about everything and I am wrong about everything. I asked him why he doesn't want to go to MC then if he is so sure that he is right. I guess he is not so sure, huh!

 

Well, I dunno how many times I've told you this, but your husband needs to divorce his family and cleave to his own..

He doesn't want to, OK? I am married to them, too, and I am expected to suck it up with a smile. And I am not the kind of person who will suck it up. He is just not getting it.

she definitely isn't at 100%, and I doubt she ever will be.

But do you love her more or less than when you maried her?

 

Thanks for your replies, guys. And the same queston for you, WWIU, as for Moose, do you love your hubby more or less now?

[Porn_Guy]

My criteria and expectations from my partner are big and very precise.

well sister ()....its time to lower your expectations otherwise you'll looking for a divorce lawyer in the near future.

 

And yes, what you're going thru is normal but YOU have to adjust also.

[bab]

I'd have to say more. We haven't made many friends since we've moved, so we are spending most of our time together, so that might have something to do with it. Most days he shows that he is better than my expectations. He had a snaffu in a project tonight and let his temper fly, cussing and hitting the door frame. That definitely didn't meet my expectations, but he came back inside 1/2 an hour later and apologized for being a jerk. It's those moments when I really know I couldn't have done better. :love:

[RecordProducer]

I'd have to say more.

I am happy for you. And for how long have you been married?

 

apologized for being a jerk.

See, a part of my husbnad's character is that he NEVER apologizes. If he did apologize by accident, like maybe twice so far, he repeated the thing he apologized for many times after he apologized for it.

 

But he is adamant about his family being totally cool and me being paranoid. The situation is so heated between me and his brother that hubby told him he was an ass and I told him I never wanted to see him again. All that is being washed by the next morning coffee he has with his brother... and I remain... paranoid... and very disappointed. It's like wives come and go (I am #3) and family stays.

 

It's not the family that bothers me - it's his attempt to make a fool out of me by not addmitting the facts, him discarding my feelings, and letting them interfere. He does defend me in front of them ALWAYS, but... I am afraid that's just not good enough. I can't deal with them on a daily basis.

[Curmudgeon]

My criteria and expectations from my partner are big and very precise. When I see that only 50% of them have been met, I feel like I could have done better than that. How about you?

 

To me the first question would be, were those criteria definitively articulated for him BEFORE your wedding day? That would make a huge difference. If you're holding him to standards he wasn't ever aware of then you deserve what you get, or not!

 

As for me, my expectations were simple, direct and easily achieved (if she was so inclined) so it minimized the chance of disappointment down the road. They were love, compassion, consideration, loyalty, monogamy and no abuse of any kind. And, yes, we discussed expectations, hers and mine, before we married.

 

How about me? My wife has more than met my expectations and she continues to bring out the best in me 10 years later. I love her more than I did when we married because the more I've gotten to know her the more I appreciate the truly beautiful woman she is.

[bab]

I am happy for you. And for how long have you been married?

Thanks. Not long. 8 1/2 months.

 

 

Sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Have you articulated how you feel he is handling the situation?

[Madea]

We celebrate our one year anniversary this weekend, and I hate to say it but I don't love him as much I did the day I married him. I wish we had gotten to know each other better before we took the plunge. He is a good person, but has the sexual and emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy(and he is in his late 30s!). I just don't see myself putting up with ten years of that crap much less the rest of my life! Plus, there has been a lot of drama. He is in the army and his superiors had to intervene in our life, and had it not been for that intervention, I don't think we would still be together. Ugh, don't know how things will end up.

[Great Gazoo]

For myself I could of never done better. I love her just as much now as I did 17 years ago when I first met her, in some ways more. I have realized I love her enough to let her go if she wishes.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LESS! Much, much less, BUT I have never forsaken my vows and don't intend to. I DO love myself as much if not more than the day I married!

[CynicalP]

You can choose your friends and your spouse but you can't choose your family. It's naive not to realize when you marry someone your also marrying their family to an extent. It's a package deal like it or not.

[Island Girl]

I love him more - but we haven't had a "traditional" relationship. We have been in a VERY difficult situation even before we were married.

 

One thing I can say is I know he loves me -- really all of me -- even though sometimes I am difficult, quick tempered, and at times a total B-Yatch. He is truly remarkable (I would not have married him otherwise - I said "no" to many before him but I'd have been a fool to let him go).

 

He truly has a remarkable way of looking at interpersonal relationships. It may be a cultural thing - I don't know - he's Tongan.

 

We have been married 7 months but together over six years. A lot of those long distance which can be VERY hard...and with the stress of dealing with Immigration, missing him tremendously, etc.

[Art_Critic]

I loved my ex more every day during my marriage until the day I decided that I needed to divorce her ( aprox 4 years into the marriage ).. then I focused on falling out of love with her.. ( I guess you could call it divesting my love )

By the time I filed for divorce I no longer loved her the way I needed to to stay married and seven months later the divorce was final and I no longer really loved her.. 6 months after that I was over her on moved on with my life..

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't love either of my husbands at all anymore, but then again I divorced both of them. One is a bum and the other died.

 

Sorry RP, I know that is not what you were looking for but I couldn't help myself.

 

Don't you live next door to at least one of your in-laws? That would be tough and if I'm remembering correctly you don't like or get along with the brother nor his wife, right? That would make me pretty miserable. I don't even know my neighbors, but at least I don't dislike them.

 

I can understand the frustration of your H taking up for you and then acting like it's your paranoia afterwards.

 

I think it's pretty normal to have ebbs and peaks in liking a spouse, but if love is waning that's not good. I hope it gets better, but his family is a tough problem to overcome. Best wishes!

[RecordProducer]

To me the first question would be, were those criteria definitively articulated for him BEFORE your wedding day? That would make a huge difference. If you're holding him to standards he wasn't ever aware of then you deserve what you get, or not!

Well, first of all, I don't regret marrying him. I am much better off right now than before so let's take it from there. We were in a long-distance relationship for a year and a half then we got married and I moved to the US. I never had the chance to get to know his character (he is extremely stubborn, to the point where he will do the opposite of whatever you want) and his family. It never even occured to me that they could mistreat me openly and he would tolerate them. They live next door. I just don't see an end to this disappointment related to them.

 

However, the in-laws are not our only problem. Not only that he handles that problme badly, but our fights about THEM end up with him threatening me with divorce (like every 5th time). I am just worn out from these threats and that's the biggest reason why my love for him has shrunk to the point where I don't know where it is and if it still exists. I have nobody in the US (except his mom who loves me), no job, no friends, only his family to mistreat me, and he threatens me with divorce almost every time we argue lately. Hell, I don't even have my residence status resolved! It just hurts when it comes from someone you love so much... then it feels easier to stop loving and be numb..

 

Sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Have you articulated how you feel he is handling the situation?

I've told him a zillion times how I felt. He doesn't understand or is pretending not to. Once in awhile he SAYS himself that they are jerks, but then he goes back to the "What?!?! You're imagining things, you're paranoid!"

 

You can choose your friends and your spouse but you can't choose your family. It's naive not to realize when you marry someone your also marrying their family to an extent. It's a package deal like it or not.

Soooo true, Cynical...

[Art_Critic]

but our fights about THEM end up with him threatening me with divorce

 

Sorry RP .. that just sucks to have that thrown in your face....

That is dirty fighting and hitting below the belt..

 

It has to make any disagreement that you might have with him almost impossible to get thru with his bad attitude about marriage..

if a marriage was supposed to be a commitment till death do us part then bringing up divorce in a disagreement is non commital and him trying to win the argument by pulling out the BFG ( big effing gun )

[RecordProducer]

Sorry RP .. that just sucks to have that thrown in your face....

That is dirty fighting and hitting below the belt..

 

It has to make any disagreement that you might have with him almost impossible to get thru with his bad attitude about marriage..

if a marriage was supposed to be a commitment till death do us part then bringing up divorce in a disagreement is non commital and him trying to win the argument by pulling out the BFG ( big effing gun )

Yeah, Arty, it's very hard to deal with it. I want to discuss things with him, but all I get is a divorce threat and then I have to withdraw and I am not the kind of person who does that. I don't obey.

[lovelorcet]

I have nobody in the US (except his mom who loves me), no job, no friends, only his family to mistreat me, and he threatens me with divorce almost every time we argue lately. Hell, I don't even have my residence status resolved! It just hurts when it comes from someone you love so much... then it feels easier to stop loving and be numb..

 

 

Don't you think this is part of the problem? Maybe you need to get out and get a life. Maybe you have too much time on your hand to focus on your in-laws....

[CynicalP]

RP, I find it distrubing that your husband would dangle the divorce threat over your head. I think that shows a total lack of respect to you and a disregard for your relationship in general. You cannot hold a person hostage with a threat for long, sooner or later your going to call his bluff and say 'Bring it on'. I think you should point out his lack of judgement in this regard.

[elijahBailey]

RP, all I'm gonna say is that if my spouse were to threaten me with divorce during an argument, I would ask her to go ahead and file it.

[RecordProducer]

Don't you think this is part of the problem? Maybe you need to get out and get a life. Maybe you have too much time on your hand to focus on your in-laws....

I definitely need to do that, but I am so depressed, I can barely get myself to make the bed or do homework with the kids. I think I should just find a job and get out of the house. On the other hand, I need to finish a few more songs and do something with it - anything. And he doesn't work now, he retired so he is at home all the time and it makes me even more depressed, cuz we have a small house and we're in the same room all the time. My equipment is in the living room where he spends all the time, too.

 

RP, I find it distrubing that your husband would dangle the divorce threat over your head. I think that shows a total lack of respect to you and a disregard for your relationship in general. You cannot hold a person hostage with a threat for long, sooner or later your going to call his bluff and say 'Bring it on'. I think you should point out his lack of judgement in this regard.

I already have, Cynical! I've told him that if he wants me to leave, I will, but then he doesn't want me to go. He doesn't say "Oh, please, don't go!" He just wants me to change, he says he can't live with fights, he loves me, I fight for stupid things, I accuse his family of this and that, and they are not bad at all... I understand that nobody can live with fights, but it only means that we can't find mututal understanding. And he refuses to go to MC, he claims I am wrong about everything. He said he doesn't want to change anything about himself. He said he should make the decisions, because he has a better judgment than I.

 

Whatever the case, if you want to split with your spouse, you present your decision in a calm, mature way, you don't just throw it in their face as your best argument. And he apparently doesn't want to split, he just wants to frighten me. He doesn't really frighten me, he is just losing points in my eyes with the speed of light. He is nowhere near apologizing or bending a little and I am witnessing my own feelings for him turning cold and grey. I don't think that's his goal; and when you repeatedly do things that are the opposite of your goal, that speaks of stupidity.

 

His IQ is 158, he is very smart when it comes to engineering and business, but so, so dumb when it comes to life matters and relationship. He has been married twice before me and both marriages were with drug addicts and lasted very short. He is 50, I am 32. I wonder if this is merely a character flaw or deeper than that. He loves the kids very much, though, and is very good to them.

[lovelorcet]

Hmm....

 

I don't want to sound like a jerk here but...

 

Well, you have your sugar daddy and he has his young blond.

 

If your residency isn't even final... and I would assume you would have to stay married for a number of years for that then he has a lot of leverage with waving divorce in your face.

 

I think he is saying put up and shut up or get out.