Do you love your spouses more or less now vs. the wedding day?

[Curmudgeon]

...and his family. It never even occured to me that they could mistreat me openly and he would tolerate them. They live next door. I just don't see an end to this disappointment related to them.

 

That's huge, RP. That's part of the loyalty expectation I mentioned. I was loyal to the ex to a fault and, as it turned out, my parents, who never did really like her, were right about her all along (isn't it amazing that the older you get the smarter your parents seem to get?). Had they still been alive when we divorced I don't think they'd have been displeased about it.

 

Regardless, your first loyalty should be to your spouse.. If it's not, why bother marrying them in the first place?

 

I'm sorry your expectations have not been met in this and other regards. Perhaps that's one of the pitfalls of online friendship where people tend to put their best foot forward but that happens in dating and courting too. The difference is that in the latter there's usually enough face-to-face contact for you to begin sorting things out (he says after ending a 25-year marriage to someone he knew as a child).

 

I hope things turn around for you, especially as residency status only adds to the stress of the situation.

[Moose]

I love her ALOT more. She's changed, I've changed, our situation(s) have changed. We've grown and learned alot through the years. She's become an extension of myself. Nothing can change that now. I have to deal with the bad just as well as I do with the good.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, I know I could've done better, but I chose not to and accept my wife for who and what she is.

 

WOW, Moose, I'm shocked by this statement. I surely hope your wife doesn't know that you think you could have done better.

 

After almost two years of marriage I can honestly say that I love my H more now than on our wedding day!

[RecordProducer]

Hmm....

 

I don't want to sound like a jerk here but...

 

Well, you have your sugar daddy and he has his young blond.

I don't know if you implied that I want to have a sugar daddy or that that's the only thing I got from this marriage... but I'll tell you that I wanted much more and I got more. I just can't stand it that he can wave with separation as if this marriage means nothing to him. But then he doesn't want to split.

 

If your residency isn't even final... and I would assume you would have to stay married for a number of years

Actually I have just a few more months to go! So obviously if I wanted to use him and leave him, I wouldn't be posting here and crying over him. It'd be very easy.

[Salicious Crumb]

Do I love her more or less....I love her less because I found out she was unfaithful.

 

But if she hadn't been...I would love her just as much today as the day we met...I'd love her more than the day we met because she is the mother of my children...and that is the only reason i am sticking around.

[Moose]

WOW, Moose, I'm shocked by this statement. I surely hope your wife doesn't know that you think you could have done better.

Are you kidding me? She KNOWS I could've done better, just as I know SHE could of done better as well.

 

We ALL could've done better Mz. Pixie. But the crux of it all is that we CHOSE to be with each other over what, "could've been".......neither one of us are disappointed.

[RecordProducer]

That's huge, RP. That's part of the loyalty expectation I mentioned. I was loyal to the ex to a fault and, as it turned out, my parents, who never did really like her, were right about her all along (isn't it amazing that the older you get the smarter your parents seem to get?). Had they still been alive when we divorced I don't think they'd have been displeased about it.

I understand that we are all influenced by our own experiences, but I assure you this is a different case. His brother started ignoring me LITERALLY FROM DAY ONE. My sister-in-law pretended to be my friend while doing sh*t behind my back. Finally I relaized that they wanted to separate us. I mean, they would complain to hubby about the most ridiculous things that certainly don't prove what a bad person I am. They think that hubby should give the kids food when we go to people's houses, it should be ME; they compalined that I didn't bring a cake to her party (actually I did); they complained that I make tasteless jokes and gave me a hard time about it, to the point where his brother came to our house a few weeks ago and said: "Why did you tell my daughter that you have another pregnancy test kit if she needed it? I think it's inappropirate!"

 

See, this happened 4.5 months agho and they already gave me a hard time about it before. I stoped communicating with his 16-y.o. daughter because I figured she was constantly doing this crap - being nice to me then stabbing me in the back. He came to compalin about the joke (he knew it was a joke), because they couldn't find anything else, anything really bad, anything new so they dug out a joke from the past. And this happened right after my husband told my SIL that he won't go to her party so she needed revenge. SIL is making a b/day party for her husband and his own mother is NOT invited, because SHE hates his mother. I said I wouldn't go if my mother-in-law is not invited and convinced hubby of the same attitude.

 

They are just mean people. I know what good people are and I know what mean people are. They are mean and jealous. They want hubby for themselves, they don't want him to have a wife and children or they wouldn't be constantly tryting to ruin our marriage.

[RecordProducer]

Look after yourself, surround yourself with friends and family who love you, do things that you enjoy and are good at..... take pride in yourself..

SB 129 said this in another thread about self-respect, but I think it's relevant to my case. I am not surrounded by people who love me. Those who love me are far away and I am only surroinded with enemies. My mother-in-law loves me, but since she is HIS mother and the rest of the family hates her, her friendship doesn't bring me points in his eyes. He can play the strong one when I am weak, lonely, and dependent on him.

[quankanne]

frankly, RP, your husband sounds like he's living large in his role as pompous butthead. Until he recognizes that this marriage is betweeen you and him, and there's no room for divided loyalty, you're going to be miserably married. Unless that's what he wants, to have you in a co-dependent subservient role, appreciative of all that he's "done" for you?

 

to answer your initial question, do I love him more now than when I married him? In a more deepened sense, yes, though we have our moments where I want to run with a4a's suggestion and stab his head with a fork :laugh: (and I'm sure he feels the same about me, too)

 

about his family – unfortunately, there's no way of making them into nice people, really the best thing you can do is kill them with kindness … kind of "fake it til you make it" … and let all their poisoned barbs slide off you. Because while he's in your life, so shall they be.

[quankanne]

some advice to Moose: she's not talking? Tickle her, and wrassle with her. It works!!!

[a4a]

some advice to Moose: she's not talking? Tickle her, and wrassle with her. It works!!!

 

ohhhh.......... if I was angry and the H did that he may loose his teeth and his nutsack could become my personal punching bag......

 

maybe try just holding/hugging her for a few moments and not say a damn word?

[RecordProducer]

frankly, RP, your husband sounds like he's living large in his role as pompous butthead. Until he recognizes that this marriage is betweeen you and him, and there's no room for divided loyalty, you're going to be miserably married. Unless that's what he wants, to have you in a co-dependent subservient role, appreciative of all that he's "done" for you?

I don't think he consciously wants to enforce this power over me. I think he is just doesn't know any better, because his character is that of an alpha male. He was born to be a boss and he was his whole life. He doesn't know how to express or understand feelings. When all is good, he is the sweetest person ever. But when things go wrong, he just doesn't know how to handle them. And I don't know how to put up with an emotionally defective person who doesn't know how to communicate, understand, compromise, and feel compassion for someone. He is not all that bad; if I were a shallow person I would be happy with him as long as I don't make a fuss over anything and don't complain about anything. It's not like he would leave his wife out in the cold, betray her, cheat, lie or anything. He loves me and the kids, I have freedo to do whatveer I want, I don't have to cook, I can spend money (not indefinitely, but I can buy clothes and stuff, he sends $500 a month to my mom, for example)... So he is not an evil person. He is a good man, but he has a terrible character. And I am OK with that. I really am. But it's a turn-off. A huge turn-off that I can't communicate with him on a deeper level. And it bugs the sh*t outta me, cuz I love him less, but I still love him. And I mean, I love him for who he is deep inside. And I love him less for who he is. But I am not capable of telling if I am still in love with him.

 

On the other hand, I probably am, because I desperately want him to approach me and tell me how much he loves me, to kiss me, hug me, apologize for hurting me... So there still must be some love in my heart. Loving him less is obviously a defense tool. Maybe it's difficult to love me. Maybe I am too demanding. Maybe I am exaggerating. But... maybe not.

 

Maybe I am just a normal person with normal needs that he can't meet. He told me that I was paranoid about the in-laws, but his mother says I am not. I hate it that I question my own reasoning and sanity because of the crap I have to put up with. I know thre's crap, but how much is crap and how much am I imagining? Is the truth somewhere out there or should I just drop it and move on?

 

I never thought that living without my parents would be so hard. But I certainly never thought that someone I depend on could give me a hard time BECAUSE I depend on him, because I am all alone, and there's no one to protect me.

 

 

about his family – unfortunately, there's no way of making them into nice people, really the best thing you can do is kill them with kindness … kind of "fake it til you make it" … and let all their poisoned barbs slide off you. Because while he's in your life, so shall they be.

It's not them, it's HIM and how he handles them. Killing them with kindness showed to be futile, because no matter how bad they are and how nice I am, he will always say that they are nice and we're both at fault and just don't get along. And whne I ask him "What the hell did I do wrong?" he says "Nothing." Then how can he say that we don't get along cuz we're both at fault? He of all people in the world is not on my side and everyone else is.

 

I understand that he defends his twin brother, but why the sister-in-law, for heaven's sake? Why? Why is she more important than me when he admitted (ADMITTED) in front of his mother that she has tried to separate us by talking sh*t about me... just to tell me two days later that she doesn't want us to split, that everyone makes mistakes... It's just too sad. And I am so disappointed. THEY managed to ruin our marriage, but hubby helped them big time. Without them everything would have been perfect. But he doesn't want to move. My only hope is that THEY will move to Florida, cuz she wants to move there (SIL) and she has her whole family there. But I don't hope too much for that...

[Porn_Guy]

when you marry someone you also marry their family...this is a non-negotiable fact of life.

[Sassy]

Sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better RP!! Inlaws can be a royal pain in the aRSE. Until he stands by you and takes up for you it will be like this. My SO finally quit seeing his mom and dad after they kept causing conflict. He stayed away for a yr and the inlaws treat me better than they ever did especially the dad since going through the miscarriage in November. I still don't trust his mom too much. My SO has learned that his son was even manipulated by my SO mom . He don't trust her too much and really don't have too much use for her too much. He loves my mom and step dad more than his own parents. He will have to see cause believe me it will cause alot of conflict in your relationship. I told my SO mother off and my SO stood by me. Maybe that will be best to stand up to his family ...Good luck and if you need someone to talk with PM me anytime. I have been there and I know what you are feeling. I am glad that phase of the relationship is long gone!!

[Sassy]

when you marry someone you also marry their family...this is a non-negotiable fact of life.

 

This is true but she doesn't have to continue to be put through crap . Her man needs to stand up for her. In the vows it says that they are to love ,honor and protect ! He needs to honor her by standing up to his family!! JMO

[alphamale]

RP is well aware of what I said in the past regarding this marriage. There is no need for me to reiterate it.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your replies, guys. And the same queston for you, WWIU, as for Moose, do you love your hubby more or less now?

 

Technically we're not "married" in the sense of walking down the isle and saying our I DO's - But we are common-law married, which to us means we're married. I love him more now than before, maybe not in the sense of that deep intensity and emotional feeling being felt all the time like it was at the beginning, it's turned into long lasting love which is better.

 

RP, I hope that your H changes his mind about marriage counselling. He's a fool if he thinks he's right all the time and you're wrong all the time. Guess he's not heard about compromising......

 

As for his family, I think he's handled everything wrong from day one. Instead of including you, he's excluded you. Instead of protecting and standing up for you, he's done the exact opposite. That's wrong! So wrong.

[alphamale]

Technically we're not "married" in the sense of walking down the isle and saying our I DO's - But we are common-law married, which to us means we're married. I love him more now than before, maybe not in the sense of that deep intensity and emotional feeling being felt all the time like it was at the beginning, it's turned into long lasting love which is better. .

yea but you can't really compare a common-law thing-a-ma-gig to a true marriage. 1. there is less at stake legally, 2. either of you can split whenever you want and 3. you don't have kids. I think you're comparing apples and oranges.

 

i have nothing against common law or living together but you cannot compare it to a legal marriage

[EnigmasMuse]

He's a fool if he thinks he's right all the time and you're wrong all the time. Guess he's not heard about compromising......

 

I'm coming in this thread a little late, but I will say, I just got divorced a few months ago, and my ex husband was one of these people who thought he was right all time. He would rather be right than anything. It did not matter if he was or not, and he did not care to see the whole picture on anything at all or that there was possibly another side to something.

 

It was ONE of the things that destroyed our marriage . Not the whole thing, there were many factors in why we divorced but that was one. He didn't see compromising as part of a marriage/team thing. He refused to ever see my side, and it got old. People who think they are right or would rather be right than to try to see other sides to things can be toxic people, it destroys all kinds of relationships, marriages, friendships etc.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How about you?

 

To be honest, even though he is my STBX-H, I love him more now than I did when we married ten years ago, and that love has morphed into something completely different - it is lightyears away from what it was. We spent the last ten years as each other's family, we raised a wonderful D together, we have been through sickness and health, ups and downs, heartbreaks and so many other deeply significant life issues.

 

We no longer share a romantic or sexual love, but we do have a deep love for each other as family - even though we no longer identify as 'husband and wife'. We trust each other implicitly, and are there for each other when the time comes for needing each other. This deep bond we have is so much more than the giddy "in love" stuff we had in the beginning. I guess we grew "out of love" over the years, and grew into more of a "family-type" love over time. We will always be a part of each other's lives.

 

We support each other in our new relationships, and there are no hard feelings about moving on with other people. Our D understands that we are getting divorced, and are moving on in separate households and with new people - but she also understands that she will always have 'mom and dad' as a team on her side for life.

 

We'll have probably the friendliest divorce known to mankind. We can't live anymore as 'husband and wife' since we don't share the necessary passion and desire as a married couple, but we will always be family to each other.

 

RP - how much time do you and your H spend with his family? Do you get together often?

[Madea]

RP, I feel for you as I am also married to a man that is glued to his family but not nearly as much as yours seems to be. Your husband should be sticking up for his wife and you two should be leading your own lives together with your children without interference from the in-laws. I don't suppose there is any chance he would consider moving? Get a job and get out of the house away from him, sounds as if you need a little breathing room. And, when your residency is final, leave his ass the next time he threatens divorce. Call him on his bluff.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better RP!! Inlaws can be a royal pain in the aRSE.

Unfortunately, the in-laws are not the main problem; it's him and his attitudes.

 

RP is well aware of what I said in the past regarding this marriage. There is no need for me to reiterate it.

You said that I married him for the green card and I say you're a complete idiot.

 

He's.... I just got divorced a few months ago, and my ex husband was one of these people who thought he was right all time. He would rather be right than anything. .....It was ONE of the things that destroyed our marriage . ....He refused to ever see my side, and it got old. People who think they are right or would rather be right than to try to see other sides to things can be toxic people, it destroys all kinds of relationships, marriages, friendships etc.

He fits in that description big time. And it did get old.

RP - how much time do you and your H spend with his family? Do you get together often?

LB, sorry about your marriage failure, but I am glad you have someone else.Husband goes to have coffee with his brother every morning without inviting me. I have coffee all by myself. His brother calls many times a day and wakes me up on weekends. It's more the time that he spends with him and I am not welcome in their company than the time I spend with them. When I am with them, they are fine. They do things behind my back.

 

Get a job and get out of the house away from him, sounds as if you need a little breathing room. And, when your residency is final, leave his ass the next time he threatens divorce. Call him on his bluff.

I have to do that. Thanks for your support, I really appeciate it.

[alphamale]

You said that I married him for the green card

well that may have been a bit harsh in retrospect. Maybe "marriage of convenience" would be better terminology...

 

and I say you're a complete idiot.

thats a definite possibility

[Mr. Lucky]

but our fights about THEM end up with him threatening me with divorce (like every 5th time). I am just worn out from these threats and that's the biggest reason why my love for him has shrunk to the point where I don't know where it is and if it still exists. I have nobody in the US (except his mom who loves me), no job, no friends, only his family to mistreat me, and he threatens me with divorce almost every time we argue lately.

I think it's very hard for a marriage to survive once either partner has dropped the "D" bomb. It tends to turn each arguement from a discussion about solutions to a discussion about choices. Your H now has other options beside fixing the disputed issue - he (or you) can leave the relationship. Not saying it can't be done, but I think it's a challenge to get back on track with that word hanging over things. Hope you're the exception to the rule...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecordProducer]

well that may have been a bit harsh in retrospect. Maybe "marriage of convenience" would be better terminology...

thats a definite possibility

I see. I like you anyway! I insult you in a sisterly way!

 

I think it's very hard for a marriage to survive once either partner has dropped the "D" bomb. It tends to turn each arguement from a discussion about solutions to a discussion about choices. Your H now has other options beside fixing the disputed issue - he (or you) can leave the relationship. Not saying it can't be done, but I think it's a challenge to get back on track with that word hanging over things. Hope you're the exception to the rule...

You're right, Mr. Lucky. It's hard to mend the pieces of a broken glass.