Relationship concerns regarding abuse

[princesspeaches]

There's something thats bothering me very much right now about my current relationship. I'm not sure if I'm being silly, over cautious or just reading to much into it. So if you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

 

What you need to know is that my father was an physically abusive man when he drank, his father was the same but worse. Eventually my father stopped drinking when I was five and the physical abuse stopped, but he picked up his own slack emotionally, mentally and verbally. It got so bad that I had a breakdown at the age of eight and I cut off all contact with my father for a year; My mother moved me out of state and I wouldn't be forced to see him again until I was 16. I don't know why, but my Mother always dated the same kind of abusive men, and after a while I learned what to look for and then I started doing research and it's been a focus of most of my secondary education.

 

Now my current boyfriend has been demonstrating alot of tell tale signs of the begining stages of abusive behavior. For instance, when talking about "our" future I'm told that things will be the way he wants them to be, like in terms of money he will control everything and I can't ask questions; I've also been told that I'm expected to be a stay at home mom. (I've always wanted to be, but I've always figured it would be something to discuss not something I was told I was expected to do)

 

Then there is this other thing he does, where everytime I'm talking about something important (to me) he'll cut me off and tell me what is the right way, which is his way. I've been told that because I'm younger, he expects to make the majority of all the important decisions because after all he knows best - which I think is total crap and I've expressed that a few times.

 

Also there are a few nicknames that I absolutely just can't stand because of my father and his wife, and I've expressed that it annoys me and I don't want him to call me them and his response was "Because I know it bothers you, I'm going to keep calling you that. It's how I am."

 

The other night we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, and something happened and I tried to get up to put a little space between us, and he overpowered me, (which surprised me because I'm no lightweight and I'm pretty strong for a girl and I couldn't for lack of better words, fight him off) and pinned me on the couch. That annoyed me because I was already pissed about the prior thing, and he thought it was cute and told me that "I'm stronger than I look." {Side note:from the things I've seen and gone through with my father and his family, I've kind of had a personal rule not to date a guy that I didn't think I couldn't take if something went down. In other words - I've only dated men in the past that I knew I could win in a fight, should a fight ever break out.}

 

I've also noticed many controlive tendencies that he has, especially with money, my time and his possesiveness. He constantly refers to me as his. We've been discussing our pasts and whatever and he revealed to me that he has a short temper and has had some issues with it, including a sexual harrassment charge at a place of employment but he didn't want to discuss it further.

 

The last thing that bothers me alot is the way he talks to his mother. He's rude, short, curt and hurtful. I said something to him when he did it infront of me he handed me the phone and we talked for a few minutes, she was crying. He said that she knew he was kidding around and that if he thought it really hurt her feelings he'd stop. But based on some of the things that I've experienced with him (I haven't even included everything) I'm willing to bet he wouldn't stop.

 

So my thing is this, my gut instinct is telling me that if I stay with him I'm going to be abused on at least one or all levels. I don't want that for me or children, (he's expressed that he wants children soon). I've been through it enough to know its not how I want to live my life. However I'm not sure if I'm jumping the gun and reading to much into this and I'm not giving him a fair chance because of my past. I decided that I'd give it a month and then I'd end things if nothing changed. (I have yet to start to have any romantic like feelings for him, and I usually fall quick and hard for the right man).

 

Am I being silly? Am I doing the right thing by waiting a month to see how things develop?

 

If you're suggestion is to talk to him about it, for the few things that really really annoy me that I have told him, he tells me that he's going to keep doing it because he knows that it bothers me. Which tells me that he's not as mature as I'd like him to be, and that's a big turn off especially because he wants to have children, I'm a full time college student, I work full time, I can be a full time mother, but I can't do that and have to raise him as well you know?

[princesspeaches]

That I can't make eye contact with him, well I can but I won't let myself. I have found myself crying for reasons I don't understand, and I've been drinking at least one alcoholic drink a night since we started dating and I'm usually just a social drinker.

 

I just need someone else's opinion if I'm reading to much into it or if I'm justified in my concerns.

 

Thank you. (Sorry this is long)

[Craig]

but I guess you knew that didn't you?

 

You have some very clear signals that this guy is going to be no good for you and will abuse you even more. If you marry him I'm telling you that you will be sorry.

[princesspeaches]

but I guess you knew that didn't you?

 

You have some very clear signals that this guy is going to be no good for you and will abuse you even more. If you marry him I'm telling you that you will be sorry.

 

Yeah I did, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't just looking to much into it. Now the hard question how do I end it? I know that I absolutely can't do it face to face with him, he'd never let it happen.

[Guest]

Isn't it horrible that there are so many people like this around. My father was the kindest man ever - absolutely adored by everyone who knew him - but when he drank (which was first weekly then daily) he became verbally/mentally abusive. This didn't serve my self-confidence too well.

 

It is a sad fact that human beings either reproduce the behaviour they've known or 'attract' the same kind of people who reproduce the behaviour on them. My own father had so many problems of his own and truly did love me in his own bad way that I can only forgive him.

 

I wrote a thread on here about a friend (horseplay to abuse) as I too couldn't believe (and still find it hard to) this person I get along with so well can be so unstable. The truth is, he was exactly like your boyfriend from day one and does treat his mother, brother and other people like you describe too. I'm just very uncomfortable with the fact that I have ended up spending time with someone who is physically abusive. This is something I never experienced before so I wonder what it says about me?

[Audero]

The man is controlling, and has all kinds of red flags going up. You're wondering if he has the potential to be abusive? He already is, hon. It's called emotional abuse. Emotional abuse isn't just about name calling, or insulting.

 

http://pw2.netcom.com/~arrowblu/abuse.html

 

http://www.lfcc.on.ca/HCT_SWASM_4.html

 

Those are just a couple of links you might check. FWIW, I lived in an abusive marriage for 20 yrs. What you described sounded like the beginning of mine.

[Craig]

Now the hard question how do I end it?

It's a hard question because you've never been faced with this challenge or had the experience of watching someone go through it.

 

The best advice I can give you is to get an appointment with a domestic violence center in your area and ask to talk to a counselor about getting a "safety plan" together and basically learning about leaving an abuser.

 

Being prepared for the worst is the best thing you can do and be prepared to call 911, repeatedly if necessary. You call 911 any time he threatens you or stalks you in the slightest way. You're not doing it to get him in trouble but you are setting down the record of incidents so that when or if he does something stupid the police will arrest him immediately instead of taking their time. This is for his own good as well as your safety.

 

You know you have to do this so pick up the phone and make that call to your local domestic violence center and get your appointment with an advocate or counselor today.

[MoonGirl]

princesspeaches,

 

Your relationship also sounds like the beginning of my relationship with my husband that I began 6 years ago. If it's bad now, it will only get worse.

 

I'm glad you're opening your eyes now before you're married and before children are involved.

 

How do you break up with someone like this? Change your locks, your phone number, your email address, get a digital pocket recorder in case he threatens you (in case you need a restraining order), and send him a letter stating that you no longer want anything to do with him and that if he shows up at your house you will call the cops. Period. If you can't change your phone number, simply stop taking his calls. There is no discussion with this type of person because they only have their own interests in mind; your opinion/thoughts/feelings don't count to them. Thus, there is no point even trying to explain your position.

 

When I left my husband, I moved all of my belongings to an apartment and simply left. I offered no explanation, no letter, nothing. Had I decided to discuss my departure first, I doubt I would have left because he is so good at making me feel responsible for everything and terribly guilty. Now that I am away from him I feel an incredible sense of relief. It is wonderful.

 

Unfortunately, because we have 2 kids, I still have to take his phone calls, but I discuss nothing but the kids. Trust me, you don't want to procreate with someone like your boyfriend. Would you be happy if your kids grew up to be just like him? If you need some more insight into how your life might turn out with him, read a couple of my threads in the abuse section of the board.

[princesspeaches]

This didn't serve my self-confidence too well.

It's been my experience that abuse no matter what form doesn't do anyone's self confidence too well. I've been in and out of therapy for years, the biggest issue has always been my self confidence and my self esteem. It's amazing how much abuse can make you feel so worthless so quickly.

[princesspeaches]

The man is controlling, and has all kinds of red flags going up. You're wondering if he has the potential to be abusive? He already is, hon. It's called emotional abuse. Emotional abuse isn't just about name calling, or insulting.

 

http://pw2.netcom.com/~arrowblu/abuse.html

 

http://www.lfcc.on.ca/HCT_SWASM_4.html

 

Those are just a couple of links you might check. FWIW, I lived in an abusive marriage for 20 yrs. What you described sounded like the beginning of mine.

 

Thank you for the links. I was pretty sure before this post, and I was all set to try to end things on Monday. I talked to my mother and she said that I was just making excuses and that I needed to give things time to see where it went. Now because I waited I'm in a really hard place because today happens to be valentines day. I've already tried to get out of it, but I've been told he'll be at my house when he gets out of work. So now I'm kinda stressing that one.

 

My mother's other advice was to sleep with him and see if its worth putting up with all the other stuff for. (My mom and her sister were beat as children and my mom thinks this is normal behavior - for a man to beat his s/o because she saw it all the time.)

[princesspeaches]

It's a hard question because you've never been faced with this challenge or had the experience of watching someone go through it.

 

 

You're right about that, my mother always stayed so I never saw the right way to leave. I did date someone briefly who hit me once, but we fought it out and when the police came I left and never went back. I'm not prepared to do that this time. I can make the phone calls today, but I'm kinda snowed in. We have like over a foot of snow and nobody's been down our street yet to plow, so I can't go nowheres.

[Craig]

My mother's other advice was to sleep with him and see if its worth putting up with all the other stuff for.

That is bad advice.

[riobikini]

re:

 

PrincessPeaches: " The last thing that bothers me alot is the way he talks to his mother. He's rude, short, curt and hurtful. I said something to him when he did it infront of me he handed me the phone and we talked for a few minutes, she was crying."

 

And -eventually- he'll make *you* cry, too.

 

End it.

 

-Rio

[princesspeaches]

princesspeaches,

 

Your relationship also sounds like the beginning of my relationship with my husband that I began 6 years ago. If it's bad now, it will only get worse.

 

I'm glad you're opening your eyes now before you're married and before children are involved.

 

How do you break up with someone like this? Change your locks, your phone number, your email address, get a digital pocket recorder in case he threatens you (in case you need a restraining order), and send him a letter stating that you no longer want anything to do with him and that if he shows up at your house you will call the cops. Period. If you can't change your phone number, simply stop taking his calls. There is no discussion with this type of person because they only have their own interests in mind; your opinion/thoughts/feelings don't count to them. Thus, there is no point even trying to explain your position.

 

 

He doesn't have the key so I don't need to worry about the locks. I never give out my key, never. The phone number I just changed it on Sunday, I think I have to wait a certain amount of time before I can do it again, the phone companys policy. I seriously have considered sending him an email ending things and then blocking him on messenger and sending his mail right to the trash. The phone will be tricky because he uses it all the time, I mean the volume of text messages I get a day and the emails are ridiculous. He's going away for two day's to go skiing tomorrow, so that gives me until friday to figure out a good plan, aside from having to deal with him tonight.

 

Thank you so much, and I'm sorry for what you and all of you have had to and are going through.

[sb129]

that really really annoy me that I have told him, he tells me that he's going to keep doing it because he knows that it bothers me.

Thats terrible!

Thats the sort of thing your annoying little brother does, except with your guy it sounds much more vindictive.

 

It's been my experience that abuse no matter what form doesn't do anyone's self confidence too well. I've been in and out of therapy for years, the biggest issue has always been my self confidence and my self esteem. It's amazing how much abuse can make you feel so worthless so quickly.

 

Damn straight it can. I was in a R that had alot of emotional abuse in it... you start to think that its normal, and that any relationship is better than nothing.

 

My mother's other advice was to sleep with him and see if its worth putting up with all the other stuff for. (My mom and her sister were beat as children and my mom thinks this is normal behavior - for a man to beat his s/o because she saw it all the time.)

 

Your mother really said that?? Not even the best sex in the world is worth being abused for.

 

PrincessPeaches, I think you should get out while its early days. I left my ex, and it got ugly for a while he stalked me and send abusive texts and emails etc etc... but I thank my lucky stars I didn't marry him or have kids to him because now he is out of my life FOR GOOD.

 

You can do it. It sounds like you are crying too many tears for this to be a happy R. Just before I split up with ex, I was sitting in the sauna at the gym, and just burst into tears because I was so unhappy. And a lovely chinese lady who's english wasn't that good asked me if I was OK. She quickly cottoned on that it was a man.. and she said "you must remove him from your heart". So I did. And my new BF makes me laugh and smile just as much as the last one made me cry....

 

You must remove this man from your heart PP.

[coco_milkshake]

I agree with the other posters. Please get out while you still can. Its great that you have read the signs - for other people they dont realise until its too late. PLEASE get out!!

[princesspeaches]

That is bad advice.

 

Yeah I know, I think that that is how my mother bases her major relationship decisions. Which is sad.

[princesspeaches]

re:

 

 

 

And -eventually- he'll make *you* cry, too.

 

End it.

 

-Rio

 

I know that. I'm just undecided about how to break up with him. My grandmother said that I should tell him the next time he does any one of the things that he does that I don't like to say if you don't stop I'm going to break up with you. She also said that I shouldn't break up with him today because its valentines day and she said that would be pretty ****ty.

[sb129]

I agree dont do it today.

 

But don't wait till he does something bad because then he own't take you seriously. He will just think you are mad, and pester you.

 

Just say to him you don't see a future together, and that you would like to stop seeing him.

 

Simple, and to the point. You don't owe him any more than that.

 

Hopefully NC will be OK, although I suspect you may need to overemphasise this with him.

[princesspeaches]

 

 

You must remove this man from your heart PP.

 

He's not in my heart. Which was another flag, I tend to fall rather fast and I've got nothing so far. I get nervous but its more of an anxious/stressed out nervous than a good nervous.

 

Like he told me that he expects to see me today, and that he will be over this afternoon when he gets out of work. I eat when I'm emotionally stressed and I haven't stopped eating all freaking day. I can't imagine this relationship going anywhere in a healthy direction, but I needed to make sure (From outside opinions) that I wasn't just judging based on the abuse I grew up with.

[princesspeaches]

I agree dont do it today.

 

But don't wait till he does something bad because then he own't take you seriously. He will just think you are mad, and pester you.

 

Just say to him you don't see a future together, and that you would like to stop seeing him.

 

Simple, and to the point. You don't owe him any more than that.

 

Hopefully NC will be OK, although I suspect you may need to overemphasise this with him.

 

Is this something that I could like email or text him I don't know thursday or Friday? My thought was the same about waiting until he did a bad thing. I think that no contact will be ver difficult for him as well.

[sb129]

Oh, I feel for you PP. Good luck. You ARE doing the right thing. And we will all be here to support you afterwards.

[sb129]

Is this something that I could like email or text him I don't know thursday or Friday? My thought was the same about waiting until he did a bad thing. I think that no contact will be ver difficult for him as well.

 

I don't think that emailing or texting to break up with someone is a good idea, but if you are worried about his reaction maybe its appropriate in this instance.

Or you could ask to meet him somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop so that you can leave without him threatening you?

[riobikini]

I'm sorry -I disagree with the idea that there are "rules" in disconnecting from an abusive partner.

 

Except for the courtesies extended to one's ownself, I think the over-riding concern here is not that *the abuser's* feelings get hurt -but, rather, the primary focus should be the *safety* of the *abused*.

 

Of course, there's a "right" way and a "wrong" way to go about it -but getting it done is the only true goal, here.

 

-Rio

[princesspeaches]

I don't think that emailing or texting to break up with someone is a good idea, but if you are worried about his reaction maybe its appropriate in this instance.

Or you could ask to meet him somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop so that you can leave without him threatening you?

 

Honestly until you said that I hadn't thought of it. The problem is that I believe if its spoken or face to face it will not happen. I believe that he will stop it, and tell me that this is the way things are going to be and I'll have to learn to like it, as I've been told in referrence to other things.

 

I'm not an email or text message breaker upper typically, I'm not usually that cowardly, but I can't help feel like it would be the best way. He's leaving tomorrow morning and going to killington so like it would be the perfect time to send the email, you know? And start the no contact.. I'm just not sure If he'll read the email, or if I should just text him. I've never had to be in this spot and I really resent the fact that I am. I'm usually a better judge of character than this, I don't know how I let this get so far....