Author princesspeaches Posted February 14, 2007 Author Share Posted February 14, 2007 I'm sorry -I disagree with the idea that there are "rules" in disconnecting from an abusive partner. Except for the courtesies extended to one's ownself, I think the over-riding concern here is not that *the abuser's* feelings get hurt -but, rather, the primary focus should be the *safety* of the *abused*. Of course, there's a "right" way and a "wrong" way to go about it -but getting it done is the only true goal, here. -Rio I'm not worried about hurting his feelings. That's the last thought on my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 I do agree with Rio.. And your safety is paramount. It wasn't his feelings that I was really worried about, just breakup etiquette- which I guess translates to his feelings-sorry. Email him. Texting will only elicit a callback from him, and it will be hard not to answer the phone Change your number at the same time so he can't call you. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 14, 2007 Author Share Posted February 14, 2007 I do agree with Rio.. And your safety is paramount. It wasn't his feelings that I was really worried about, just breakup etiquette- which I guess translates to his feelings-sorry. Email him. Texting will only elicit a callback from him, and it will be hard not to answer the phone Change your number at the same time so he can't call you. Good luck!! Ok thank you. I'm going to email him tomorrow. Thank you for your input, it means alot to me. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Honestly until you said that I hadn't thought of it. The problem is that I believe if its spoken or face to face it will not happen. I believe that he will stop it, and tell me that this is the way things are going to be and I'll have to learn to like it, as I've been told in referrence to other things. I'm not an email or text message breaker upper typically, I'm not usually that cowardly, but I can't help feel like it would be the best way. He's leaving tomorrow morning and going to killington so like it would be the perfect time to send the email, you know? And start the no contact.. I'm just not sure If he'll read the email, or if I should just text him. I've never had to be in this spot and I really resent the fact that I am. I'm usually a better judge of character than this, I don't know how I let this get so far.... Princess, When leaving an abuser, even if "just" an emotional abuser, there is no such thing as being polite and considering his feelings. Abuser's don't consider the feelings of their victims. Your goal is simply to get out, not to be polite. I think emailing him is a great idea. Be sure to stick with the no contact - don't let him talk you into going back to him. If you go back, he will see how weak you are and will take advantage of you more by making you feel guilty for having tried to leave him. You don't deserve to be abused. Trust me, you will be much happier without your boyfriend. Keep us updated and post any time if you need support. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I really hope you manage to free yourself from this guy for good. You don't seem to be too attached - if you still/ever loved him you'd find all sorts of excuses not to leave him - you are scared probably because of your past experiences and you do have to be careful as I know that my friend can go to amazing lengths (sometimes so clever) to get what he wants and I'm pretty sure your bf would too. I used to love being around this friend of mine and still do when he's in his good days. Every time he reverts to his charming self I find it impossible to say no or feel sorry for him and he 'sucks me back' into the abusive/controlling friendship and every time we have a fight (either because I'm not up to his standards or because I'm too independant to his liking) I'm too scared he'll carry on the threats. His own mum told me that when he's in a bad mood she just 'switches off' until he's calmed down and that's pretty much how I deal with things too (hate conflicts). I have searched the net about this and I'm surprised to see that most of the time, the advice is to leave the guy and let him rot in his mess basically. Only one had a glimpse of hope saying that if an abuser does realise there is something wrong with him (hard one since most are convinced it's never their fault) the best route is to teach them compassion. When they can be compassionate, they can start seeing what they are doing to others (rather than what the others are doing to them that makes them angry or whatever). Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 I just sent him the email, and I made all the arrangements to cut him out of my life electronically. I have to wait until march to change my number, so I'll have to ignore his phone calls and text messages. Which reminds me, yesterday he called my cell phone twice and when I didn't answer he drove by house and sat out there watching my house for like ten minutes, called two more times, left an annoyed voicemail and then sent two nasty text messages. I found that to be a little stalkerish since we weren't supposed to see eachother at all yesterday. But that's just me. Anyway on my end, I believe us to be broken up. Hopefully he wont give me to hard a time about it. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Princess, That is WONDERFUL news! The way he is acting right now should solidify the fact that he is not the type of guy you want as a boyfriend. Sitting outside your house, calling you excessively, and sending nasty text messages? Yikes. This guy sounds scary. He is certainly upset that he is no longer in control of you. I hope he doesn't give you a hard time too, but please be careful. Make sure you don't go out after dark by yourself and make sure you get some pepper spray and have 911 programmed into your cell phone and ready to go. I know that all sounds extreme, but you (nor I) can understand what goes through the minds of controlling /abusive men. If he comes by your house again, call 911. Even if it seems excessive to you, it will show him that you're VERY serious and will also help your case in the event you need a restraining order. Keep the texts too. Are you sure your phone company won't make an exception and change your number right now? Maybe if you explain the situation and pay a fee it can be done? Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 princesspeaches is the guy you are talking about in this thread the MM you are talking about in this thread? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1089565#post1089565 Or are you saying that you were seeing 2 guys at the same time with one them being a MM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 princesspeaches is the guy you are talking about in this thread the MM you are talking about in this thread? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1089565#post1089565 Or are you saying that you were seeing 2 guys at the same time with one them being a MM? No, this isn't the same guy. the MM and I haven't been like that since november 2004. I have been out there trying to date other people. The MM just wont let go and stick to nc. I have not been seeing two guys at the same time, that's not my style. I do however still have some feelings for the MM but I'd say they are mostly along the lines of friendship/caring and not actual love. But he doesn't know that. This guy that I'm talking about is the most current guy that I tried to have a relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 Princess, That is WONDERFUL news! The way he is acting right now should solidify the fact that he is not the type of guy you want as a boyfriend. Sitting outside your house, calling you excessively, and sending nasty text messages? Yikes. This guy sounds scary. He is certainly upset that he is no longer in control of you. I hope he doesn't give you a hard time too, but please be careful. Make sure you don't go out after dark by yourself and make sure you get some pepper spray and have 911 programmed into your cell phone and ready to go. I know that all sounds extreme, but you (nor I) can understand what goes through the minds of controlling /abusive men. If he comes by your house again, call 911. Even if it seems excessive to you, it will show him that you're VERY serious and will also help your case in the event you need a restraining order. Keep the texts too. Are you sure your phone company won't make an exception and change your number right now? Maybe if you explain the situation and pay a fee it can be done? Yeah I think I'm going to have to do some urging with the phone company and see if they can't just hook a girl up. I have pepper spray already, but I can't find it (Still unpacking from my most recent move) I'm prepared to call the police if I have to. I feel very relieved it's over, but I'm anxious at the same time because I'm not sure of what he's likely to do....its got my stomach all in knots. But I slept pretty damn good last night, first time since we started dating. So that;s a major plus. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Good news PP! Proud of you! I think you should lay it on thick to the phone company re:potential harassment. This should spur them on to change your number quicker- they DO have the power to do it immediately. When I needed to change my no, I actually started crying out of frustration when the phone company dragged their heels about changing my number. It was embarrassing (and unintentional) but it had the desired effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 Good news PP! Proud of you! I think you should lay it on thick to the phone company re:potential harassment. This should spur them on to change your number quicker- they DO have the power to do it immediately. When I needed to change my no, I actually started crying out of frustration when the phone company dragged their heels about changing my number. It was embarrassing (and unintentional) but it had the desired effect. Good idea, I didn't think of crying, I'll try that the next time I call. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Well I didn't do it on purpose. But I was so fed up with everything and the tears just came out... I think the poor operator was terrified. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Well I didn't do it on purpose. But I was so fed up with everything and the tears just came out... I think the poor operator was terrified. I understand that. I think thats natural. I got it all taken care of. Everything is all done and its not a problem at least its not right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 He emailed me back. He was very nice and polite in his repsonse. I was expecting worse, but he behaved. I just hope it continues when he gets back into town. Just thought you guys might want to know, he accepted the break up and wasn't being a dick about it (yet). Thank you for all your words and support, it means alot to me since I just moved here and I don't have a friend network yet. So thank you all very much. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Hi Princess, Just be careful. He may be trying to be a nice guy so you think about going back to him. My husband behaved this way often, as many controlling men do. He would say something really hurtful for no reason, and then would be very nice for a few days to make up for his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Bee Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 If he's mean and hurtful enough to make his own mother cry, imagine what he will do to you once he has you in deep. You have lived with this abuse in the past.. it's such a relief to know that you can see the signs and are seriously thinking of leaving him. Do it, you can find someone that will help to heal the scars of your past, not add to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Bee Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Crap :rolleyes: Sorry. Next time i'll read the whole post to make sure my advice is needed before making an ass outa myself I'm so happy to hear that you've broken up with this guy he sounded like BAD news Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesspeaches Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hi Princess, Just be careful. He may be trying to be a nice guy so you think about going back to him. My husband behaved this way often, as many controlling men do. He would say something really hurtful for no reason, and then would be very nice for a few days to make up for his behavior. I'm not falling for his charade if it is what he is up too. Who knows. I kinda expected this a little just not right away. I did however decided to switch up my schedule for a couple of weeks just to make sure that I'm not going to have any problems. I'm sorry about your husband doing that its never easy is it? I read some of your other posts though and I'm glad you have your own place Link to post Share on other sites
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